Did I Screw Up Or Is She Wrong? Should I Move On Or Get Her Back?

How to know if you’re the problem or if she’s too messed up to rekindle your romance.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 24-year-old viewer who got involved with a 26-year-old woman who had a drug problem, came from a broken home where cheating and lying was normalized and always has other guys in the background she is talking to. She supposedly quit the drugs and partying and is doing well in therapy. However, she still has guys in the background and broke things off blaming him for the breakup.

Now he wonders who was wrong and if he should move on or try to get her back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Did I Screw Up Or Is She Wrong? Should I Move On Or Get Her Back?”

So this particular email is from a 24 year old viewer. He got involved with a 26 year old woman. He got involved with an older lady, two years older. Who, she at one time. This is, I guess, before they met, had a drug problem. She used to like the booger sugar apparently. She came from a broken home where cheating and lying was normalized and she had cheated and lied on her previous boyfriend. And he cheated on her too. Remember, like attracts like.

People that like the same things tend to like each other. And so if it was modeled for her at home that, hey, if you’re unhappy, just go fuck somebody else. No big deal. All’s fair in love and war. Well, when she’s not happy with you, probably she’ll just go out and fuck somebody else. Because all’s fair in love and war. And always has other guys in the background that she’s talking to. And when he first met her, they dated for a little bit in January, and then she went back to her ex to give it another try.

And then six months later they gave it the second try in June and things were better. But a lot of things happen, which I’ll get to. So she supposedly quit the drugs and the partying and is doing well in therapy. However, she’s still got these male orbiters in the background and then broke things off with him and blamed the whole breakup on him. And now he’s like, “was I wrong? Was she wrong? Should I try to get her back? Or is it that the juice isn’t worth the squeeze?” So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I started seeing this girl that I met at the gym, she’s 26 and I’m 24. We talked for a month in January and then rekindled in June. Long story short, she left me for her ex the first time.

So the reason why she would do that is she’s just simply going to have more time with the other guy. And 75% of the time women are doing the dumping. So probably he was in the background. And so this new guy starts spending time with her. Things progressed. Maybe he over-pursued a little bit, and then she started missing the other guy. So she started to pull away, and then he started to pursue more literally kind of driving her back into the other guy’s arms.

But it’s in those cases when you got a girl that just had a breakup, you got to let her come to you, especially if they were together for a couple of years. Because if you pressure her and you don’t make her feel like she’s got the freedom to come and go, like the Thích Nhất Hạnh quote, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” Then you should expect for her to bounce back to the ex or potentially another guy who had actually good game and his game was much tighter than yours.

This second go round the ex is out of the picture, and she fell in love with me quick, she did 80% of the pursuing.

So I assumed maybe he became a better student over the last six months of studying and applying The Book with other women. So when she did come back, she found a confident, more attractive man who had much tighter game because he’d been practicing. So that’s the idea.

If you’re in a situation where you got dumped, you had a breakup, and you want to get the other person back, it would behoove you to be reading The Book 10 to 15 times and applying it, and getting experience seeing the principles in The Book work with other women. So when the ex comes back, your game is much tighter, much cleaner, and you’re less inclined to display unattractive behavior that turns her off and drives her away.

We were hanging out every day and things got serious quick. Everything was great until we had a minor argument because she still had a SnapChat streak with a guy she talked to last summer.

So remember, she grew up in an environment where lying and cheating was just the normal thing, and she’s lied and cheated on previous partners. So, I mean, we haven’t got to that part in the email where he discloses that. But obviously I’ve been through the email already. And so there’s that caveat there, and I wanted to bring it up after reading that sentence. “We were hanging out every day and things got serious quick”, and then everything was great until they had this minor argument over her talking to another guy.

So again, a family oriented girl that’s loyal and faithful and wants to be with one dude is not going to keep Snapchat streaks with guys she used to date and probably sleep with. That’s very clearly she’s stirring the pot and keeping things warm. More than likely, she dumped that other guy. Especially if he’s trying to keep his Snapchat streak going with her. I think it was, he said it was like a summer ago, so it’s almost like a year later.

So he clearly probably got stuck in friend zone. But he’s hoping to get another shot. And she keeps him around because she likes the attention, probably because she didn’t get enough of it from her own father growing up. That’s just how these women behave. And if you want somebody that’s loyal and monogamous and exclusive and will value those things, these kinds of actions are not the actions of somebody that values loyalty. These are the actions of a hook up girl a party girl, friends with benefits, sex playmate. Not a wife or a girlfriend or a baby mama.

She reassured me that she’s only interested in me and after we made up, she cut off any guy she had a streak with that was more than just a friend to show respect for me.

You shouldn’t be having to ask her this thing. But, I mean, she grew up and came from a broken home, so maybe she respects the boundary. Maybe she doesn’t.

But she did express to me that it seems I do not trust her at all.

Ha, Ha. Woah, big shock.

Because I would always be looking over her shoulder, asking her about her past, previous lovers etc. I was being overly insecure about her past because she comes from a broken family where cheating was normalized, she has been living on her own since she was 18.

Yeah, you got to say, “Look, the reason why I ask these things has nothing to do with insecurity. It’s like we’re vetting each other. I’m vetting to see if you’re a good long term partner or not. I’m trying to determine whether or not you’re capable of loyalty and monogamy and exclusivity or not. And having Snapchat streaks with a guy you used to fuck that you put in friend zone, or giving out your phone number to other people, or staying in touch with exes. That communicates to me that you’re not loyal.”

“You’re insecure to the point where you got to have other men around you. And so that’s not what I would want to see. If you’re trying to convince me to become your boyfriend. That would just tell me that. Hey, you’re a hook up girl, party girl sex playmate, friends with benefits, and that’s it. All’s fair in love and war. I can date and sleep with who I want. And you can date and sleep with who you want. If you want me to be exclusive, it’s like you’re going to have to behave much better than this. So that’s why I asked you these questions. I’m trying to judge your character because, quite frankly, the way you behave, it’s not good. It doesn’t look good.”

She used to party heavy, drink, and even do coke.

Cocaine. “Cocaine is a hell of a drug.” As Rick James said. “Crack is whack.” As Whitney Houston said.

Her last relationship was three years on and off of cheating on both ends.

So this was obviously the ex that she went back to in January. So again, cheating is normalized in her family. Cheating was normalized in her relationship. So why would this guy have any reason to trust her? She’s never been trustworthy. She doesn’t have a demonstrable track record of being loyal and faithful to anybody. Her attitude is, “hey, if you’re not happy, just go fuck somebody else. That’ll solve the problem.” That’s what her parents did.

The reason I still considered taking her seriously knowing all this.

It’s like, really?

Is because she has been completely sober for over a year, goes to therapy, doesn’t party anymore, takes her schooling & career seriously, and is a highly ambitious alpha female.

With obviously a loyalty problem. Because if she’s been sober for a year, she was still with the ex, still cheating, cheating on him. He was cheating on her, despite the fact she was sober. Character is destiny. We judge people by what they do, not what they say. So she cheated on her ex. He cheated on her, even though she was sober, wasn’t doing the booger sugar and/or the alcohol anymore.

So it seems like she is actively doing the inner work.

Yeah, but she’s still a liar and a cheater.

After our argument she told me she wanted to continue getting to know me over the next few weeks before deciding on the route of the relationship.

And this tells me he’s kind of put her in control of that, as if he’s kind of seeking her approval, which she should not have the leverage. She should be the one trying to win him over. He should have the attitude of, “I think you’re great. We have a lot of fun together. And I think it’s awesome that you’re sober and you don’t do the booger sugar and the partying anymore. And you’re in therapy. That’s a good sign. But your last relationship, you were cheating on that guy, and he was cheating on you, even though you were supposedly sober at this point.

So I have to assume you’re still this person that’s not capable of loyalty. And by the way, when we started dating in January, you went right back to the guy who you were cheating on, who was cheating on you. So you were still in touch with him. So that’s not any evidence that you’re capable of being loyal to me. And the only way I’m going to get into an exclusive relationship and commit to you is if it looks like you’re capable of loyalty. And so far, I haven’t heard any evidence of that. Show me where I’m wrong.

Have you ever been loyal to any man you ever been with? Has anybody in your family ever been loyal to anybody they’ve ever been with? What else am I supposed to think? So if I asked you these questions, it’s not about out of insecurity. Again, I’m trying to judge your character, and it don’t look good. You just look like the party girl in the hook up girl who happens to be sober now. Nothing’s changed in your character.”

Things seemed to be going well for the most part after that. On a random Wednesday after her weekly therapy session, she texted me to end it.

Sounds like the therapist is really being helpful.

Basically saying it seemed like I still didn’t trust her and things didn’t progress like she thought it would’ve.

It’s like, “well, you haven’t given me any evidence that I should trust you. We’re just kind of dating and seeing how it goes. So you haven’t earned my trust yet.”

And said we could try again in the future after I did the inner work.

It was like, after I did the inner work? You’re the one has that has the alcohol and drug problem, the broken family and the fact you’re not loyal and faithful to anybody. So all I’m really hearing is my sex playmate doesn’t want to see me anymore. Or my friends with benefits doesn’t want to see me anymore. Telling me I got to do the inner work. It’s like, no, how about you become a loyal person. How about you become a person of high character. Again, this more character revelation here. This is beautiful.

The next day she went out with a guy that was “previously interested in her”.

A woman who’s never been loyal and faithful comes from a family of people that were never loyal and faithful, and cheating was normalized the very next day after she broke it off. She’s hanging out with and probably having sex with some other dude. “Great job honey. That’s a great way to win me over and really make me think, God, I really want to be her boyfriend.” It’s like you’re just one of the dudes she’s sleeping with, is what it looks like. And you can say this to her. Because that’s how she’s behaving.

And slept over his house.

Well, obviously they were playing hide the salami. So she goes from being in your bed, and then the next day she’s in some other dude’s bed. And that was obviously somebody she’d been talking to while you guys were together. So she wasn’t being loyal to you.

Few days later she reached out to me saying how much she missed me and we ended up hanging out and having sex a few times over the weekend, which is when I found out about this new guy.

So she let it be known that, “oh, by the way, there’s this other guy who’s been interested in me.” So what happened? She probably hung out with the other guy for a few days or so. He started acting like a beta male, and she got turned off. Her feelings dropped. She started missing this guy, and they went back to him. Because she’s just going wherever she feels. And the fact that she’s got low character, again, she’s acting like a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate.

So she ended things with me but couldn’t keep herself away from me, which was odd.

Well, like I said, what happened was the new guy probably turned her off. Then she bounced back to you. Because this is her pattern. She did with the ex-boyfriend. It was off and on for three years. She just goes wherever she feels most attracted to. Again, in her internal constitution, all is fair in love and war.

Then a few days later she put a halt to us again and said she needed “space and time to herself” because she’s “confused”.

That tells me he probably started to pursue. You shouldn’t ever be calling or texting or pursuing a woman like this because she pushed you away. She’s got to fix it. That’s just the way it is. That’s the way it’s got to be.

And needs to figure out if she is lonely or if this is a genuine connection. Just to then continue hanging out with this new guy and sleeping over his house consistently.

Again, fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate. That’s all this girl is. Make sure you wear a raincoat and you flush your condominiums down the toilet. Don’t throw them in the garbage can. Especially if you’re a wealthy guy. Especially if you’re in the NBA. You don’t want to be having surprise another baby mama on your hands.

It seems like after our trust issues arose, she started lining up my replacement and then dumped me to start pursuing him.

Yeah, this is how liars and cheaters are. The guy was always in the background. It didn’t just start. She’s probably got a stable of him because she’s totally insecure. She ain’t loyal to anybody. She just goes off of what she feels. If she feels less attracted to you and she doesn’t think it’s going to work out, I mean, she’ll go from like literally in a relationship with you one day and the next day she’s fucking another guy that night. Again, her parents screwed her up. It’s not your fault. You just got to see reality as it is.

It seems like after our trust issues arose, she started lining up my replacement and then dumped me to start pursuing him.

I would again, I would say she was already pursuing him. He was already in the background. She already knew him.

I know I screwed up but it’s a little crazy that she claimed she was in love with me but then broke it off with me just to be in another man’s bed the next night.

Hey, she’s a Hooker. That’s a Hooker. Are you a Hooker? This is a Hooker. A Hooker. If you ever saw the old Arthur movie with Dudley Moore from the early 80s, Are you a Hooker?.

We were never officially dating so I’m not sure if I can get mad at her for it, I feel like I’m blinded by love.

I would say you’re blinded by the infatuation and the fantasy of who you wished she was. And you’re ignoring the reality of who she is. She’s a hook up girl, sex playmate, friends with benefits. That’s it.

And don’t know if she’s untrustworthy.

She’s definitely not trustworthy.

Or I should try to get her back after my screw up. 

Bob

Yeah. You didn’t screw up, bro. She’s a screwball. There’s really nothing to fix here. You just got to see reality as it is. She’s a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate. That’s it. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up, while you continue to look for somebody else. If she’s like, “oh, our relationship, this or that.” I’d say, “honey, I think you’re amazing. I do love you, I really do. You’re beautiful. You’re great in bed. You’re interesting. We have a lot of fun together, but you’re just not going to be loyal to anybody.

You got all these other guys in the background. And so I just assume I’m one of the guys that you’re fucking and talking to. Because that’s how you’ve acted since we met. So let’s just be real. Let’s just be fuck buddies, friends with benefits, sex playmate. I want a girl who has the values that I want. Which is loyalty and family and monogamy and exclusivity. And you’re just not capable of that. I mean, I just look how you operate with your last boyfriend. I look how your family operated. I look how you’ve operated since we’ve known each other and been seeing each other.

You haven’t done anything to demonstrate that you’re capable of being exclusive and loyal. You have to get attention from other men because you’re incredibly insecure. And that’s just because your dad did a shitty job. And I’m just being real and being honest. I know that maybe hurt your feelings, but it’s the truth. But at least this way, you always know where you stand with me.” And so another thing I would do is I would never call or text this girl.

If she reaches out, hang out, have fun, hook up. If she talks about getting back together or being exclusive, again, just say, “I’m not going to be exclusive with you. We’re fuck buddies, friends with benefits, sex, playmates. That’s it. It’s never going to go any further than that. And when I find a girl I really like and who is capable of the kind of relationship that I want to have and has the same values that I do. I’m going to become exclusive with her and I’m going to have to break things off.” “

So if you can’t handle that, you should probably leave now. And we shouldn’t see each other anymore. But if you’re cool, then I’d love to see you when you’re available and hang out and have fun and we’ll have a good time together and fuck each other’s brains out. But other than that, it’s like I’m not interested in being your boyfriend. Ever. You just don’t have the value system that I require for that.” Honesty is the best policy, and in this particular case.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.