Did I Trigger The Breakup, Or Was She Just Insecure & Nutty?

How to know if the breakup is your fault or if it was inevitable because she’s insecure & nutty.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who was dating a woman he met online. Despite some insecure and nutty behavior, he continued. However, after he followed another girl on Instagram, she blocked him and broke things off.

Now he wonders if he triggered the breakup or if she was simply insecure and a little nutty. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, if you have to ask…

So this particular email is from a viewer who was dating a woman that he met online, and despite noticing some really insecure and kind of nutty behavior, he continued anyway. However, he went and followed another girl on Instagram. He says he didn’t really think much about it and she clearly was creeping his Instagram, saw that, got pissed off, blocked him, and broke things off.

Now he’s wondering if he triggered the breakup or if she was simply insecure and a little cuckoo.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I met this new girl online, and I thought she was amazing, we had a great first date. However, we didn’t kiss till the third (I did try).

So what does that sound like? She’s probably a little structured, got some rules she’s following. Usually the rules, they never tell you about them. They just get upset when you don’t follow them, even though they never told you about them in the first place.

So again, right out of the book, a woman who’s easy-going, easy to get along with, flexible, she likes you. You go to kiss her, she’s going to kiss you back. When she turns her head, or she stops you and won’t kiss you till the third date or the fifth date, whatever it happens to be, there’s always a series of hoops and things that have to be a certain way that you must jump through. In other words, it’s the opposite of just being flexible and easy-going, easy to get along with.

On our second date, she had removed everyone from her dating app apart from me which in hindsight might be a red flag, and would ask if I wanted to see her again insecurely.

Well, if you go out on one date and a girl’s already removing everybody and asking you to do the same, that’s too much, too soon. An insecure person is going to expect exclusivity right away. That’s not a good sign.

Once we kissed on the third date, she could not stop kissing me. Before we continue, she has daddy issues, her dad was not necessarily violent, but would throw and break objects and have tantrums, and leave for extended periods, she has also been awfully cheated on two times.

So as we go through and get later on down in the email, you can see exactly what’s modeled for her at home. Her dad basically not being masculine, kind of being chaotic, feminine and girly, breaking objects, throwing tantrums, being impulsive, disappearing for extended periods of time. That completely influences her behavior. In other words, even though the father was in the home, it sounds like he was a little bit of a nut, a little bit loony, and of course that’s what she’s going to learn.

So if the dad is always very chaotic, hotheaded and would get upset, would storm off, disappear for long periods of time and then come back, probably you should expect that she’s going to behave the same way typically. So it’s clear you know where she got it from.

She was already talking about the future and how she didn’t want anyone else liking her photos apart from me and missing me after the third date.

Again, under normal circumstances, most women, if they’re raised right, their father’s strong, he’s masculine, he’s not doing shit like hurt this girl’s father. She’s going to take her time. She’s in no rush. She’s not going to ask you to be exclusive on the first date or start doing things like that. She’s just going to take her time because she’s patient and because her father provided a stable home. She’s not in a rush, but when she comes from a chaotic home, you should expect her behavior to be chaotic, and obviously her behavior doesn’t disappoint. Whatever is modeled is typically what the kids grow up to exhibit.

But here comes the, “You should have probably ran” part. After a great fifth date, I was writing a post grad essay due, and couldn’t reply for four hours, I opened my phone and she had blocked me on Instagram.

In other words, he didn’t reply for four hours because he’s writing, he’s busy. Imagine you’re in a business meeting or whatever, you’re meeting with clients, you can’t stop to reply to text. It’s rude. It’s unprofessional. Especially if it’s a big deal and you’re on your phone fangirling on your girlfriend, and the guys see that you might lose that $1 million deal because of it, because you’re acting like a teenager instead of an adult.

So what does this tell us? She blocks him because he didn’t reply for four hours. So she automatically presupposes the worst because again, that was what was modeled for her at home by her father. She assumes the worst and she explodes. Gets emotionally irrational, just like dad.

She did take accountability and she said she got upset because she thought I was ignoring her. I reassured her, but it did leave me feeling weird, she could have communicated instead of hurting me like that, I called her and asked if she’d feel better if I told her we’re exclusive, and she got excitable and said, “Yesss.”

Well, at the end of the day, she presupposed the worst because that’s what dad showed her. That’s how he taught her to behave. So you shouldn’t be surprised that she’s behaving like dad taught her because that’s what was modeled for her.

Again, these are not things a normal, healthy woman would do that grew up in a stable environment. So now he’s offering exclusivity to please her because he’s worried about her approval, which I wouldn’t have done. So he’s rewarding her bad behavior with more of his time and attention, instead of calling her out on it and telling her it needs to stop. Again, feminine energy grows through praise and you’re, in essence, praising bad behavior and rewarding her for it by giving her exclusivity, even though I wouldn’t have done it at that point, especially after that kind of behavior. A woman is supposed to earn it because she displays the goals and the values that justify it. Easy-going, easy to get along with, she’s nice to you, communicates like an adult, loves her dad, respects her father.

Obviously, anybody knowing how the father carries on, no self-respecting man is going to respect a guy that’s a hothead and throws a temper tantrum, starts breaking things in the house, and then storms off and disappears for days or weeks on end. That’s not normal.

After that, things were OK for a while, but again got insecure over my past (I have a podcast talking about this kind of stuff), I again reassured her.

She’s reacting exactly how she was taught by her father, and it’s the kind of thing you have to say, “Well, she’s going to automatically presuppose the worst and go berserk and do ridiculous, nutty things.” A normal, healthy guy, do you really want to deal with that? I personally wouldn’t, because again, it’s not normal behavior, because you just never know when she’s going to get pissed off or she’s going to get upset, she’s going to give you the silent treatment, she’s going to storm off exactly like dad taught her to.

We met for a seventh date, had a great time, saying she’d wanna live with me. By this point, she had posted about me on her social media which I liked. But for some reason she deleted it, it made me feel confused.

So she grew up in a chaotic environment. Didn’t feel safe. Her dad didn’t provide a stable, masculine presence in the home. It was chaotic, so she acts chaotic.

We spoke on the phone and it was clear she was being off and she said she needed space and was scared to have a boyfriend.

So what she’s saying and how she’s behaving now looks like, in his effort to please her, he started pursuing more. Again, remember he offered exclusivity. I wouldn’t have done that. He’s basically trying to please her, “Oh, don’t get mad at me. Hey, how about we be exclusive and then you won’t get mad at me?”

The day later says she wants to carry on things on and got back to her needy, affectionate ways.

I made a foolish decision by following a girl, honestly it wasn’t anything deep…

Oh, I guess Chunky is here. Go say hello to Chunky.

…And I didn’t even remember who it was, it was some random girl on Instagram.

If your girl’s creeping your social media like that and you’re following random cute girls on Instagram, of course she’s gonna think, “Oh, you must be hitting on her. Oh, you’re sliding into her DMs.” If you’re dating an insecure girl like this one, of course she’s not going to react too well to that. That’s going to go over like a lead balloon. Remember, she’s presupposing the worst. So if you’re following another girl on Instagram, it must mean that you want her.

She noticed this, removed all our posts, put on her story, “Hungry dogs aren’t loyal” without communicating. I unfollowed the girl and I explained it poorly and said that I felt a bit insecure recently about us, and I made a foolish decision (In saying so it was just a follow, nothing else). She said my behavior was unstable…

Oh, you’re the unstable one, despite the fact she’s unstable and blows it up and breaks it off. Dating a girl like this is just fucking tiring because her dad didn’t provide a stable, calm environment. Masculinity is calm. The father was the opposite of being calm. Therefore, the daughter is not calm. Even when there’s reasons to be calm, she looks for reasons to go berserk and get upset. She again, acts unstable because she’s emotionally hijacked.

So again, she’s always going to assume the worst. Dating a woman like this is just fucking tiring, because it just seems to never get any better, even when you set healthy boundaries. Again, she’s been living that way for decades because that’s what was modeled by her father. The odds of you correcting that behavior, even trying to enforce healthy boundaries, the odds are not in your favor, let’s put it that way.

…And she is worth more than that, she said any sign of disrespect and she is leaving and wants someone to hold her emotions. Was this my fault it ended, or my fault that I picked a toxic woman?

Bob

Well, I’d say it’s a little bit of both. Under normal circumstances, if you’re following girls and doing beaver and bikini shots, any woman you’re dating is going to look at that and go, “Why is he following that girl?” Everybody knows that Instagram is basically a dating app. If you’re following a hot girl that’s posting lots of thirst traps, well it must mean that you’re not completely satisfied with what you got. Quite frankly, from the behavior she displayed, why would you feel comfortable in a relationship with her? You never know when she’s going to go off on you and get upset, get the silent treatment or block you for days on end, and then show back up a few days later and go, “Oh, it was just a phase I was going through. Oh, I was just emotional. Sorry.”

Again, a man wants a woman that brings peace into his life, not a woman who’s constantly disturbing his peace. You want a girl that makes your dick hard, not your life, and she’s making your life extremely difficult instead of communicating. First she assumes the worst and goes bananas. So, I mean, you even admit that you proceeded anyways. You offered her exclusivity, even though quite frankly, deep down, you knew you shouldn’t have done that. So you were trying to please her. You kind of had the mentality of “Happy wife, happy life.” In other words, no amount of lunacy from your girl will cause you to back up and say, “I don’t know about this.”

So at the end of the day, if you are really in love with your girl and really liked her, you were content, you’re probably not going to be following and fangirling other girls on Instagram. The fact that you never felt easy because you knew just around the corner she’s going to get upset about something, and of course she found a reason to get upset, there are people that go through life looking for occasions to be offended and upset. Just go to Twitter or look in comments on any social media post. People get triggered and they get upset about the littlest things.

You know when you go home to your girl, you want refuge from a difficult life in a difficult world. You don’t want to come home to a chaotic woman who’s gonna get upset about whatever reason, because she’s really reacting to how her father raised her, and not necessarily your behavior. A normal, healthy woman would have been like, “Hey, why are you fangirling these? Why are you following this bikini model? Like, do you like her? Are you interested? Are you hitting on her? Would you rather date her? What’s that all about? Same thing if you’re dating a girl and she’s constantly following these bodybuilder types or dudes that are always doing body shots and posting male thirst traps. You’re going to assume, “Oh, she’s sliding into that guy’s DMs. Like, why would she follow that? Why would she follow him?” So it’s just out of respect, you’re not going to do those kinds of things. A man who’s content with the women in his life is not going to be following girls with thirst traps. A guy who’s looking for more is.

So at the end of the day, what happens when you date somebody like this is you just get tired because you realize no matter what you do, she’s not going to be consistently happy, and the way us guys operate, if our woman’s happy, we take credit. If she’s not happy, well we blame ourselves. So at the end of the day, typically maybe you would have been lucky if you had got six months, but eventually you just get tired of this nutty behavior because again, her father did not do a good job of raising her. So six one way, half a dozen the other, what does it really matter? It was not going to work anyways because her behavior is just tiring and it wears you out. If it was me, I would move on, because you’re not going to fix that. You’re not going to undo all the bad things that the father did.

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