Did She Play Games With Me After The Breakup?

How to know if your ex is still interested in you or just playing games after your breakup.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 26-year-old viewer who just broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years. He was always turned off by her openly talking about her having slept with 40 guys by the time she was 23 and never having a relationship until him. He says it always made him feel insecure, and she eventually broke up with him over it. She reached back out after almost 2 months and expressed interest, but he was a cold fish.

She then got serious with another guy she was seeing and blocked him after he asked why she would say the things she said while already dating another guy. She said it was a final goodbye. He wonders if she was just playing games with him and why he’s having a hard time letting go when he wasn’t that into her sexually. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

By the time she was 23, she had a body count of 40. She slept with 40 different guys. Obviously, she was keeping track. That’s a lot of a lot of people to keep track of. You look at that and you say, wow, 40 by the time you’re 23? That’s a lot of sex with people you care nothing for. Because the reality is really great, close friends, people that you’re going to date and have relationships with that you really click with – you really like each other, you really feel like a soul connection where you’re completing each other’s sentences and thoughts, you have similar goals, similar values, you feel like it’s just effortless from the time you meet – that almost never happens.

And so, to sleep with 40 different people, especially a woman, because it’s not hard for a pretty girl. The average woman can go out on a Friday night and just tap the shoulder of any random dude, “Hey, you want to go home and have sex?” “You want to go home and hook up?”, or whatever. About 100% of dudes will be like, “Sure, let’s do it.” So, it’s not hard. But obviously men have to work harder at doing the same thing.

So, for us guys, when we look at it, we’re like, she didn’t really pull off anything like, “Wow. Good for you!” But a dude, if he’s able to sleep with 40 women by the time he’s 23, he’s either got the gift of gab or he’s incredibly handsome and charming and just naturally set up that way. But the average dude that’s 23, ain’t got a body count that high. Most guys don’t even come close to having a body count that high, especially around that age.

And so, he always had a problem with it and it bothered him. But when you look at somebody that young, having slept with that many different people, that’s a lot of sex of people you really don’t feel anything for. It’s like glorified masturbation. And so, it always bothered him and made him feel insecure. Apparently he said she was very open about her sexual past and talked about it, and then they had a conversation about it and she broke up with him over that.

There’s a lot of interesting things going on in this particular case, but the key, the most important thing, is how he felt about her before the breakup, which was that he just wasn’t into it. He was totally turned off by her having slept with so many dudes. and the fact that she talked about it a lot.

The reality is, and I’ve talked about this countless times, it’s even in my book, 3% Man, gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. And guys that start talking about their sexual past, every girl they’ve kissed or dated or slept with, with every new woman they date, and then vise versa, listening to her go through every single date, you don’t want to hear that. It’s not going to help your situation. It’s information she doesn’t need to know. So, keep that in mind.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach Corey,

Thank you so much for the work you do, which has been very helpful for me. Alas, nobody has ever asked a question exactly like mine.

Or so he believes.

I am 26 years old and I was in a relationship with a girl for 2 years until a couple of months ago. I was bedazzled by her as a person. She was nurturing, kind, caring and patient. The issue was that I struggled to have attraction for her because I was put off by how explicit she was about her sexual past.

It’s like I was talking about earlier, these conversations are not going to help your relationship. It’s not going to make her more attracted to you if you go through every single girl you’ve hooked up with. Plus, she’ll use it against you, at some point, if you ever have a disagreement or a spat. So, it’s just best to say, “gentlemen, don’t kiss and tell.” Let them wonder. Women like mystery anyway, and it’s really nobody’s business.

And then, vice versa, if she’s openly talking about all the dudes she bangs, he’s not feeling like he’s got a girl that’s special and it really means something in their intimacy. It feels like he just got the town bicycle, basically – the girl that had been run through by the football team, or whatever. In other words, he’s not feeling like, “Wow, I really won a prize, here. I really got this girl that was very discreet in who she hooked up with.” When a girl is 23 and has slept with 40 dudes, it just communicates she didn’t care about herself. She doesn’t value herself, she didn’t value her body, and she was willing to party and give it away to whomever.

Now, obviously, we all have the freedom to do that here in the United States of America, but the reality is, you can tell he’s turned off by it. He wasn’t turned on by it, he was totally turned off. And it just sounds like, off and on throughout the relationship, she was constantly talking about all the other dudes that she was hooking up with.

I mean, can you imagine having your friends and your family over and your girlfriend’s talking about all of these random dudes that she hooked up with? I don’t know if she was doing that, but that’s just something that you’re not going to be like, “Oh, my girlfriend, yeah, she’s been with 100 dudes.” Like, “She’s great!” No guys are going to be proud of that. And your parents are going to be like, “What? Are you dating a hooker?”

She had over 40 sexual partners by the age of 23, but I was her first relationship. I always felt like it was “just my turn”…

Which is something from the red pill community, “She’s not yours. It’s just your turn.” In this case, I would say it’s obvious that’s how he felt. He didn’t feel like “I’ve got somebody really special. I just feel like she was like a doorknob. Everybody got their turn, and I just happened to be the next guy.”

…and never felt truly comfortable in the relationship. She, in turn, started to lose attraction for me because she could tell that I wasn’t truly desiring her and was only initiating sex for her sake, not mine. 

So, he was giving her mercy fucks he was so turned off.

We talked about it, and I admitted my “insecurity” to her with regards to how vocal she is about her past sex life. She felt judged.

Hey, 40 dudes by 23… that’s a lot.

She said I should never have felt threatened by it, and broke up with me. 

So, there wasn’t much going on there. He didn’t want to sleep with her, he was giving her mercy fucks. He wasn’t that into it. He finally, in essence, admitted why he wasn’t that into her, which is basically because she slept around a lot. He didn’t feel like he had won somebody special. He felt like he just hooked up with the town bicycle. She’s like a moped. A moped will get you to where you want to go, but you don’t want anybody to see you on it.

After some sporadic conversation which ended in us mutually agreeing on no contact, she then sent me an email a month and a half later to tell me that she “truly misses me” but that “we should still live apart for a little while longer”, and that she hopes she doesn’t “mess up my mental health” by telling me that she missed me. To me, she made it sound like she was viewing the breakup as a temporary thing.

Well, it sounds like she was open and hoping, potentially, that you might want to get back together. Because rejection breeds obsession, and at the end of the day, from her perspective, you weren’t interested in sleeping with her anymore. So, you were rejecting her, and you were turned off by her high body count. And so, she was rejected. But unbeknownst to him at this moment in time, she already had another dude lined up. And more than likely, it wasn’t some guy she just met. It was probably some male orbiter that she kept around.

I played it cool and said that I miss her too, but that this seems to have been for the best because I’m working on my physical and mental health, and we ended the conversation pleasantly.

His response is basically saying she’s communicating she’s open. In other words, she’s signaling, “Hey, I’m open to potentially rekindling things,” and he’s basically saying, “Hey, it’s all for the best.” So, he rejected her again.

A week later, though, I saw her posting pictures of a new guy in her life, and suddenly I felt very confused by her message. I reached out and said, “Why did you tell me that stuff if you’re seeing someone?” She said that it was only ever intended as a final goodbye, and that she’s not in a new relationship, and also blocked me.

From my perspective, what I see here is that she reached back out because she’s seeing somebody else. She’s probably thinking about getting a little more serious, and wanted to see, before she got serious with somebody new or started posting things on social media. Because then everybody’s going to be like, “Oh, she’s with a new guy.” She wanted to see if he was potentially interested in rekindling things, and he obviously said he wasn’t. Therefore, he rejected her again for the second time. He was rejecting her for the same reasons, being that he just wasn’t into a girl that had a high body count.

What the hell man? And why am I finding it so hard to let go if I wasn’t even sexually attracted to her?

Bob

Well, what happened was rejection breeds obsession. So, you’re thinking, “Oh, she’s open to rekindling things,” but then all of a sudden, you find out now she’s got a new guy. And so, he gets rejected, in essence. Plus, she blocks him. So, I can understand why he would say, “Is she just playing games with me?” To me, that was her Hail Mary. That was her one last chance to see if potentially anything could be rekindled. Because women know that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and she wanted to see if he had changed his mind after a month and a half of being apart. And basically, he communicated that he hadn’t changed his mind, therefore, she was free to move on with the new guy.

And she says she’s not in a relationship with him, but she’s posting pictures of this dude on social media. So, she’s communicating to the world that she’s got somebody new. And so, that’s what happened. But at the end of the day, you’ve got to go back to where you were when the breakup happened or before the breakup happened.

He didn’t want to sleep with her because he was so turned off by the fact that she had a high body count. He didn’t feel like he had won something or he had got some special girl that very few men had been with. He was with a woman who felt like she didn’t value herself and just gave herself away to anybody for a random hookup, where there was drug or alcohol induced hooking up, whatever it happend to be. So, that’s all it was.

She was like, one Hail Mary to see if you’re potentially available. You’re like, “Pound sand.” And she’s like, “Okay, I’ve got a new guy.” And more than likely, she was already talking to this new guy before they broke it off. That’s probably why she broke it off, because she could tell it was not working out. As he said, her attraction was dropping.

More than likely, because she could tell the end of the relationship was coming, and he wasn’t making the effort, and her attraction was dropping, she was talking to the male orbiters behind this guy’s back. Because there’s just no way that you go from being in a relationship and living together for two years, to five, six weeks later, you’re posting social media pictures with you and somebody completely new without having lined that up ahead of time.

And, yeah, I would say this chick belongs to the streets for doing that. I mean, even though she didn’t say it or admit it, she monkey branched from a two year relationship, to five or six weeks later posting pictures on social media with a completely different guy. More than likely, the people in her life didn’t even know that she had broken up with her boyfriend. She’s with the old guy, and then all of a sudden there’s a new guy. So, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.