What you should do if you are monogamous with a woman, and not boyfriend & girlfriend yet, but she kisses another man.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy in his mid-twenties who’s been dating a woman who lives three hours away over the past three months. They are monogamous, but not officially boyfriend and girlfriend. On a recent trip with her girlfriends, she was having a cigarette with a guy she hadn’t talked to previously at the party as it was dying down. He hugged and kissed her twice on the lips before he left for the evening, and she kissed him back.
She called the guy she was supposedly exclusive with crying and told him what she had done. He thinks he should break up with her but is unsure since she was so honest and upfront and told him about it immediately. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I am a man in my mid-twenties living in Europe. I have read your book at least 10 times and also listened (and still listen) to the audio book. I have felt lost until I read your book the first time, thank you!
Well, you’re welcome. He’s obviously talking about “How To Be A 3% Man,” my first book. You can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter.
So, I have been seeing this girl for three months now, and she’s told me, she’s never felt like this before with a guy.
Yeah, guys that understand my book, they hear those kinds of things all the time. You’ve got to see yourself as the gift and the prize, because that’s why my book’s titled, “3% Man.” Such a small percentage of men are willing to learn the material and actually go out there and apply it. It’s just like self-help in general. Most people won’t participate in their own rescue. Most people have low standards for themselves and won’t do anything to help themselves.
So, finding good, like minded people, like minded guy friends, like minded business partners, like minded women to date is so extremely rare. Because the reality is most people just are selfish. They don’t operate from a place of high integrity. And so, that’s why finding somebody really good, I always use the analogy — especially like when guys get upset that they haven’t met the right person yet, or somebody better than the last girlfriend hasn’t come along yet and it’s been several years — when was the last time you met somebody that became a new best friend or a really close friend?
It’s something that for me, when it comes to women, my experience has been one to three over a decade, typically, that are just great, high character, high integrity women. And the same thing with guys, maybe one to three in a decade that you meet, typically. In the last ten years, I met one guy that has this same kind of integrity and morals and ethics that I do, and then we just instantly jived together and felt like the universe kind of brought us together. He’s one of those guys you can not see for a while, and then you get together and it was like you were hanging out yesterday.
That’s what I’m talking about, and that’s rare. And those kinds of people are worth it, to wait for them to come along. And then everybody else that comes along in the meantime, they belong to the street — hang out, have fun, hook up, open relationship, sex playmate, friends with benefits. But if they don’t have the same character, morals and integrity that you’re looking for, you can’t get caught up in the emotions and ignore that.
I see that a lot in my phone sessions. People get carried away in their emotions, and then they use logic and reason to rationalize away the red flags that they see, because their emotions are so overwhelming. So, it’s important to be a high character person in everything you do, because you will unconsciously set that standard for everybody in your life, and those that can’t live up to it will be bounced right the fuck out where they need to be.
She has never been in a relationship before, and we are not there yet. I primarily focus on the three H’s. She’s told me she doesn’t want to see anyone else and is only dating me, and to that I reciprocated. So far, I have not had any reason to think she’s lying to me. Previously, she’s told me about other guys and how she has rejected them because she has feelings for me.
So, that’s a good sign. A woman who’s loyal and faithful will typically say those things to you. She’ll say, “Oh, this guy hit on me at this party. I told him I was seeing somebody,” because she wants you to understand and to know something that happened and how she handled it, because she’s trying to communicate that she’s loyal through her actions and she wants full disclosure. So, so far, everything sounds great. I like this girl.
I have other women eager to see me as well, but I have told them that I can’t at the moment, but I’ll get back to them if I become available.
And so, you have a high character guy. He’s got other women hitting on him, and he’s like, “I’m in a relationship.” I remember when I was married, there were women that hit on me and approached me. And there was one in particular that I really liked, but I was married and I honored my commitment. Despite how I felt inside, I honored my commitment.
That’s called emotional self control, when your emotions are wanting you to do something, you think from a place of integrity. And this friend that I was telling you about, the one guy friend that I’ve met in the last ten years that’s just an awesome dude, one of the first things he told me, one of the first things that came out of his mouth, he says, “Integrity is really important to me.” He’s a high character, dude. A good, good man. Like I said, I met one guy like that in ten years that I became friends with, one. That’s how rare good people are. One a decade.
Last weekend, I had her visiting me in my apartment, because it is kind of a long-distance relationship, (3 hours away by train). It was such a good weekend. I scheduled different things and everything, to which I can feel her attraction growing even more.
Here is the issue:
She went on a vacation-trip with her girlfriends. They partied and had an after party at their holiday-apartment where a few different people showed up as well. When the party was dying and people were leaving and going off to bed, she goes out for a cigarette and there is another dude there that is also smoking who she hasn’t been talking to at all during the evening.
She said there was no flirting going on at all between them. They chat while they smoke, and when they’re done smoking, he says goodbye, hugs her, and kisses her twice on the mouth. She was shocked and ashamed afterwards that she didn’t push him away but kind of kissed back by reflex, because it all happened so fast; this really disappointed me.
“Oh, his penis ended up inside me. It just kind of happened.” So, she didn’t push him away, that’s the important thing. She knows what she did was wrong, therefore, that’s why she feels ashamed about it. But if we just look at her actions, her actions show what her real character is. Maybe she was buzzed, but does it really matter? Would she really put herself in a situation like this if she was a person who actually honored her commitments?
The words are of somebody that says she values loyalty, says she values integrity, but if we strictly look at her actions, she kissed the guy back. So, for whatever reason, in her mind, the guy she’s seeing that she’s supposedly exclusive with, that didn’t stop her from kissing this guy back.
What’s holding me back from ending it with her is the fact that she called me right after it happened and told me about it saying how sorry she is, crying on the phone. She could’ve kept it secret from me, but instead called me right after saying she’s so sorry, and that it didn’t mean anything, and I admire that she told me right after.
“It didn’t mean anything.” I think every cheater and liar that’s ever existed in human history has said “it didn’t mean anything.” Well, if it didn’t mean anything, then why’d you do it? Because she wanted to. A person’s actions always reflect their true character. It’s having emotional self control, having attraction, a mutual attraction, but if you’re committed to somebody else, you have to resist the urge. Just like when I was married and I had the urge, and this woman was amazing, but I passed.
And the same thing, all the girlfriends I’ve had over the course of my life and when I’ve been in a relationship and been exclusive, the things I know. Especially when I’m at parties and guys I know, their wives start coming on to me and bumping into me and touching me. Even if they’re hot, I choose to operate from a place of integrity, because it’s the right thing to do. Even if somebody else is not going to have those same kinds of standards.
So, me holding myself to those standards, I also hold everybody else, including the women who are supposedly committed and exclusive with other dudes who come on to me. You’ve got to do the right fucking thing.
She offered me that she could come visit me on Monday, (thus skipping her vacation plans), to work on this breach.
Well, what is there to work on? She was away from you. This is the whole reason why you test-drive. People can hide who they are for about the first ninety days of a relationship. And you guys aren’t exclusive yet, but you’ve been dating ninety days already. And so, within ninety days, she has violated her commitment to monogamy. Plain and simple.
I don’t care what the reasons were, or “it just happened,” or he grabbed her and kissed her. Any guy that’s ever tried to kiss a woman and got the fucking cheek knows that if a woman doesn’t want to kiss you, she’ll give you the cheek. It’s so easy. But she kissed him back. Why? Because she fucking wanted to, that’s why.
And she’s coming to him, wanting him to just go, “Oh, yeah, no problem, not a big deal. We’ll just get through it. We’ll work on this breach.” It’s like, he didn’t do anything wrong. She did. He’s been turning women away. She’s been turning men away. But this particular guy, she didn’t turn away. That’s all that matters. Nothing else matters. She didn’t honor her commitment. Black and white. She’s not loyal. She doesn’t believe in it. I don’t care what she says, she may want to believe in it. She may say she’s loyal, but her actions show she belongs in the streets, baby.
I am confused, (so probably about to learn something).
Yes, when you’re confused, it means you’re about to learn something.
We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend, but we’re monogamous.
Well, you were monogamous. You’re not monogamous anymore, because look at this chick. She violated her agreement and she didn’t try to stop the guy. It doesn’t matter that she called afterwards, “Well, I’m sorry.” People that go and they do bad things or they sin and, because I’m originally Catholic, then they go to church, they go to confession, confessing their sins and it’s all forgiven. It doesn’t work this way.
You made a commitment to me and you broke it. We were test driving to see before we got to boyfriend-girlfriend if you were worthy of having the label as my girlfriend. And because of her actions, she shows she’s not worthy. She doesn’t have the integrity to match his level of integrity. And if you forgive her for it, she got away with it.
And so, when it happens again in the future, she’ll just call you and tell you and expect to get away with it. Pain is what causes people to change the way they show up in life. And it’s good for you and it’s good for her, because you need to set and enforce healthy boundaries, and this woman violated those boundaries. And so, it’s not your fault. It’s her fault. She’s going to suffer the consequences.
Do I give her another chance for being honest on the spot, or is she disqualified from ever being my girlfriend because of this incident? (I don’t want an open relationship.) Hope you see this soon.
She’s disqualified because she belongs to the streets. So, what I would do, if she comes back to town and wants to come over and hang out and have fun, hook up, as you’re laying there naked in bed or you kiss her goodbye as she leaves, you can say, “Hey, I just want you to know that I appreciate your honesty in telling me everything, but you didn’t honor our commitment. So, the only thing I can offer you is an open relationship, friends with benefits, we can be fuck buddies, but you’ll never be my girlfriend. I just can’t do it. I can’t get past it.”
“If I was to forgive you, now I’m enabling your behavior. And so, hopefully this will be a painful lesson for you, because now you’re going to miss out on the chance to be my girlfriend. Because I gave you three months, we were exclusive and you violated it. So that’s your fault. That’s on you. I don’t feel bad about it. I’m sad that it happened. It sucks, because I really cared for you. But at the end of the day, you violated our agreement, and therefore you’re not to be trusted.”
“I’m sure you want to honor your agreements, but hopefully this will be a painful enough lesson to you that the next time you encounter a high character, high integrity type of guy, you remember the pain of losing me, and therefore, you won’t do it again. Because if I just accept you back and say, yeah okay. Well, I’ll continue to be monogamous, even though your actions show that you’re not going to be monogamous, then you’ll just do it to me, and eventually we’ll break up anyway. So, it’s like, what’s the point?”
“Let’s save us both a lot of trouble. Let’s just operate from the fact I’m going to look at your actions. I’m going to judge what you do and not what you say. And you didn’t uphold you’re part of the agreement, so that’s on you. Hopefully you learn your lesson and you don’t fuck around another guy in the future. But it’s been great, it’s been swell. Thanks for the memories. Thanks for the pussy. It’s been awesome, but baby, you belong to the streets.”
So, if you haven’t read my new book, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations,” you can also read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com by subscribing the email newsletter. And it’s also available in audiobook, paperback, hardcover, digital format.
And if you’d like to book a coaching session, maybe you’ve got some kind of weird situation. You’re going, “Man, I’m all emotionally wrapped up in this girl, and I’d sure like to tell Corey about the whole situation, so he can give me his unvarnished, brutal, honest feedback,” go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“Women who are faithful, loyal and who place a high value on exclusivity, commitment and monogamy never put themselves in situations where they flirt with or invite the romantic attention of other men. The reality is that very few men and women have a high level of integrity in this world and can be counted on to honor their words and commitments through their actions. When someone violates their agreements or commitments to you and you tolerate it, you enable their behavior and invite them to do it again because there were no consequences. You must set and enforce healthy boundaries and be a person of consistent integrity who holds those in your inner circle to the high standards you have for yourself. Whatever you tolerate, you invite more of into your life.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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