Why displaying weakness to women invites unnecessary drama, testing, conflict and challenges.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is living paycheck-to-paycheck and struggling financially. He has been dating a woman casually for the past five months. A few weeks ago, he made a negative post on Facebook about himself and his financial struggles. Of course a helpful mutual “friend” informed the woman he is dating about the post he made. On their next date, she brought up his Facebook post and proceeded to lecture him about money and questioned why he couldn’t handle his finances. He started defending himself, and she said they were not serious after he asked if they were, and she also told him they could not be serious in the future unless he got his financial affairs in order.
He has since backed away and now waits to hear from her exclusively. He says no more spending money on her or dinner dates. He is disappointed but is just looking at her as a friend with benefits type of relationship. He asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
Hi Coach Corey,
Let me first say that you are the man! I really enjoy for videos on YouTube, and I have purchased your book, “How to be a 3% Man,” which I have only read a few times. I know… I know, I need to read it 20 more times. So let me get the meat of the situation that I was or still am in.
I have been dating this woman for 5 months now. Everything to my knowledge seems to be going great. We hang out, have fun and hook up every week. Though I’m struggling, living paycheck to paycheck right now, I usually pay the bill when we go out, and she always wants to leave the tip. Fine.
(That’s great. That’s what’s nice about dating somebody who has a job and has their own money. Sometimes they will take you out or buy you things. It’s nice to have that. You feel like you’re on an equal footing.)
So two weeks ago, I made a post of Facebook about not having money and needing it.
(First off, that’s not something you should ever post on Facebook because it’s negative, it invites other negativity, it makes you look weak and it makes you look like you can’t manage your finances. That’s the reality. The idea is you want to be optimistic, even if you’re working for somebody making a low wage.
The only reason you should be working a minimum wage job is if it’s an entry level position and you want to make a career out of it. If you’re working an entry level job, you should be trying to acquire new skills so you can add more value and eventually move on. Minimum wage jobs were never meant to be a career that you do your whole life.
No matter what you’re doing for a living, you should always be trying to get better, even if you’re working for somebody who is very successful. You should always be trying to improve your skills, reading books on management, leadership or things that will improve your knowledge, your wisdom and your skill set, so you can advance and get raises. And if you can’t get raises and advancement where you’re working, you should be able to acquire skills and knowledge and go work for another company that is willing to pay you commensurate with your skill level, your knowledge level and your wisdom level.
It’s what Scott Adams calls your “talent stack.” You should always be adding to your talent stack. The more talents, wisdom, skills and experience you have, the more you can make either working for somebody else or in having your own business. You never want to get somewhere and just stay that way. The days of retiring at 55 or 60 and getting a pension, those days are gone, but that mentality is still out there.)
Not having Facebook but hearing about the post via a mutual friend,
(If that friend is a guy and he tells her that, if I was a betting man, I would say the reason that guy is telling her about your financial situation is because he’s trying to fucking sandbag you and get her to blow you off, probably to go out with him. But if it’s a female friend of yours, that’s not helpful. But again, you should never post shit like that about yourself, even if you think or feel that way. It’s not positive),
she didn’t want me to take her out to eat for her birthday if I couldn’t afford it.
(You displayed weakness. Now, what does a woman do when you display weakness? That’s a chink in your armor? What’s great about women is they will challenge you to be better, to grow. If they sense weakness, they’re going to test and they’re going to probe it. Not because they’re trying to be assholes, but because they want to see that you can handle it, that you can weather the storm.
When you lose your shit and you get upset about it, it makes you look fearful. If you happen to be dating a woman who makes more money than you or is in a better financial situation, it’s not going to help create attraction. It’s going to create the opposite effect.)
I told her I could, but money is tight. After telling her that, I was not going to argue about it and for her not to make a thing of it,
(Well, like I say in my book, women tend to take little things and they blow them up. Your job as a man is to shrink it back down into not being a big deal, because if it’s really not a big deal, she can sense that and she can feel it. She’s going to let it lie. She’s going to drop it. But if she can tell your emotional about it and you get upset about it, she’s going to continue to push you and bring it up. But if you continue to display it doesn’t bother you, it’s not going to bother her),
of course she had to bring it up at dinner getting all into my finances, asking me why I can’t save money and she was mad at the post, saying that it was negative and putting out negative energy.
(Well, she’s right about that. It is negative and it is putting out negative energy.)
I defended myself, saying I can manage my money. Always have.
(I would have said, “You know what, that was probably stupid on my part to put that out there. I was having a frustrating day, I was venting on Facebook to my friends and my family, and I don’t appreciate a supposed friend saying something to you to make me look bad.”)
In the middle of her lecturing me, I asked if we were serious?
(You don’t want to ask that.)
This is where I now realize after reading your book I shouldn’t have asked this. She said no. I asked, “If we aren’t serious, then why do you care? Let’s just enjoy our time together and have fun.” She didn’t let it go though.
(Because obviously it bothered you, because you defended yourself like it was a problem, and obviously your reaction didn’t go over too well.)
She went on to explain that she doesn’t see us getting or being serious, because she wants to go out and do things, and if I can’t afford doing that, it will be an issue.
(There are people in life you can call gold-diggers, I like to call them fucking parasites. There are women who aren’t good with their finances. Maybe they’re very beautiful and look for guys who’ve got their shit together and have money because they’ve got resources. If you’re successful in business or an entrepreneur and you’re doing well, you’re going to be amazed how many people want to be your “friend.” What they really want is what you have, your resources.
If you’ve got a close friend who at one point was on the same level as you financially, and now you’re doing really well and you’ve got your own business, they’re going to think they deserve to be your business partner. I’ve experienced that. I wrote about that extensively in my new book, “Mastering Yourself.” I’ve experienced this in business numerous times.
All those people who want to go into business with you, when you go through a difficult time, they also tend to disappear. Then when you start doing well again, they all want to hang out. So it’s really important to know who you are and what you want in life, because you’re going to have men and women who are not on the same level as you financially wanting access to what you have, whether it’s money or wanting to be a part of your business without having to work for it. So it’s really important to read people and see what their true intentions are.
As Warren Buffett said, “It’s better to hang out with people better than you. Pick out associates whose behavior is better than yours and you’ll drift in that direction.” If you’re the most successful one in your peer group, you should also be hanging out with people that are more successful than you so you can drift in their direction. Because if you’re hanging out with people who are less successful than you, they’re going to tend to drag you down to their level.)
High achievers, very successful people, tend to be very optimistic and very positive. And when you’re going through a difficult time, they’re going to so say, “Hey, no problem. You’ll get through it. You always figure a way out,” and they’re going to have positive, encouraging words like that. But other negative people are going to say, “I told you that shit wouldn’t work out. You’re the fucking idiot that decided to be an entrepreneur and you were smarter than the rest of us.” That’s the shit you’re going to get from those kinds of people.
There’s a book I read last year by Rollo Tomassi called “The Rational Male,” which I think would be a great book to read. He really goes into the psyche of what causes women, or “drive a gold digger,” to go after men with resources. I think it’s a great book that everybody should read, because it’s not just women who do that to get access to a dude’s resources. There are plenty of guys who hang out with other people that have money or resources, because they want to see what they can get out of them. I’ve experienced this in business. The older you get and the more success you have, the more you’re going to notice those kinds of people. They come out of the fucking woodwork. They’re everywhere.
You want to make sure people are there for you because they want to be a great teammate and a great partner, not because they’re a fucking leach or a parasite and want what you’ve got. When you don’t have a high opinion of yourself, and you’ve never really gotten much attention, and then you have a lot of financial success, those guys tend to be very vulnerable in those situations. You have to pay attention to who you allow into your life in your inner circle and who you date.)
And she doesn’t want to wait until I am in a better situation apparently.
(If this girl is more broke than you are, then what does that tell you about her character? She wants a guy who is going to take care of her.)
So from what she says, I’m getting the impression that she would never actually date me, but yet still expects me to treat her like a boyfriend would?
(Well, you kind of opened yourself up there by posting that stuff on Facebook. Whoever that mutual “friend” is, you might want to reconsider that friendship. And I definitely wouldn’t be posting this shit on Facebook, because it’s not helping you.)
Acting like we are together, but we really aren’t? I’m not having that. Now I have backed away from her. No more going out to dinner or drinks or social events with her.
(A woman who’s really into you, really cares about you, and has the same goals and values is going to be like, “No problem. We’ll go some place less expensive,” or “I’ll chip in some more,” but a woman like this who just basically is like, “If you don’t have enough money, that’s going to be a problem,” — do you really want a woman with an attitude like that as your teammate? I can’t make that decision for you, but look at her actions. Does she ever spend money on you? Does she buy you things? Or is she in the same financial situation as you are or maybe worse?
It’s understandable if she’s doing better financially than you are, and she’s challenging you and challenging your manhood to step up and be a better man. Try to walk in her shoes and understand where she’s coming from. If she someday wants to have kids, settle down and stay at home with her kids, obviously she’s not going to have her income. If you’re dating somebody who’s on the same level financially, you’ll figure it out together. You don’t want a chick who’s breaking your balls expecting you to treat her a certain way.)
I only talk to her after she contacts me, letting her come to me.
(Well, it’s not serious, so if I were you, I’d be dating other people. I’d be entertaining other offers from women, because you want a teammate and an equal, somebody that’s going to push you to be better. There are some red flags you’re seeing here with this woman. She wants you to take her out and spend money on her. That’s not a good sign.
A good woman who comes from a good family where mom and dad “struggled well together,” to borrow a phrase from Ray Dalio’s book “Principles,” which I highly recommend, she’s going to figure a way you can do things together and not fucking beat you up over it. Everything happens for a reason in life, and this should cause you to reexamine your being with her.)
It’s been a few weeks since I backed off, and we have hooked up twice. Seems like we’re going to be friends with benefits… Hang out, have fun and hook up, right?
(I don’t see why not dude. Quite frankly, what has she really done to justify you making the extra effort? You’re being a great guy by taking what little, limited extra money you’ve got and spending it on her, and she’s fucking saying, that’s not going to be enough. I want the good life. Does that sound like an equal or a teammate? Somebody that’s going to be on your side, that will go through thick and thin with you? I don’t think so. So I think you did the right thing dude. Great fucking job for standing up for yourself. You handled yourself pretty well and it seemed to reveal a potential character flaw in this woman that you’re dating.
If you’re not making enough money for her, then she doesn’t warrant consideration for being a girlfriend or a future wife. This is friends with benefits, and that’s it until you can find a chick who will accept your financial situation — someone who will push you to be better, but will also accept where you are and figure out a way you can work together as a team. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. You’re supposed to lift each other up, because life is long and you’re going to go through difficult times together.)
“If you want a truly equal partner romantically and financially, you should date people who have a similar or better financial situation than your own. By dating people who are better off or who are more successful, you’ll tend to drift in their direction. If you date people who are not, you’ll also tend to drift in their direction. There is nothing wrong with dating someone who is not on the same level financially as you, or who don’t have the same level of drive and ambition as you do, but you’ve got to be realistic that you’re going to be supporting them financially, especially if you plan on having children together and want them to stay home with the kids, while you are the primary breadwinner. Everyone must decide for themselves what their goals and values are and what they want in a romantic partner. High achievers tend to prefer dating other high achievers. Like attracts like. The best friends and romantic partners tend to push and bring out the best in each other. Surround yourself with people who lift you higher and inspire you to be better and become more than you are today.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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