When I was in my mid-20s, most of my friends were all getting married and starting families. Almost 20 years later, the majority of them, including myself, got divorced.
Some of them have gotten remarried and divorced again. It’s interesting talking to older clients of mine who are in their 50s, 60s and 70s. A lot of the women that are their age are either pissed off at men in general, or they want to get married. Some of these women are so fixated on marriage that they scare most men away. With the divorce rate over 50% and the rise of open relationships, living with your girlfriend or boyfriend, couples who are together raising a family but not married, etc., the argument can be made that marriage is a dying institution. Do all women want to be married?
I know from my own personal experience that the reason I got married in my mid-to late 20s, was because I felt like it was what I was supposed to do, but deep down not what I really wanted to do in my heart. But yet, I got married anyway. A year and a half later I was getting a divorce. At least I got out before we had kids. I thought to myself at that time that I was not ready to be a parent. Deep down I knew that I still had some growing to do as a man. I was not completely content with my life or totally certain of my future. After I left my wife, I still believed I was going to get married again, but the next time I got married I would get married because it was true love. Well, I’ve had several amazing relationships with some absolutely amazing goddesses since then, but I have never been in a place where I felt like it was the right thing to do.
When we look at the history of marriage, it was the Catholic Church which originally pushed the ideology of marriage onto its congregation. Why? What was happening was that people were having sex and many women were getting pregnant, but the men never stuck around long enough or had the desire to raise a family. So there were all of these women with children and no father to help raise the children. So the powers that be in the Catholic Church, which consisted of a bunch of men and women who were virgins, who did not have sexual relationships and who were not having relationships telling all of society what kind of relationships they should have. Quite frankly, when you look at the history of it all, that’s a bunch of crap! If you are going to advise people on what kinds of relationships they should have, you should be leading by example. Not projecting some kind of dogma, personal ideology or social engineering onto people who are engaged in relationships that you have no personal experience, or knowledge of what is appropriate. It’s common sense. If I want to understand how a car engine functions so I can repair it, I am not going to ask someone who is an expert chef how to fix my car engine. I’m going to ask a mechanic who works on car engines for a living. The only reason people listened to the church is, because people assumed that the church knew what God really wanted, and therefore, if people did what the church told them to, then they trusted that they would be doing God’s will. Plus, most people were totally illiterate and had no idea what was even written in the Bible or any other spiritual tradition back then. Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Did you ever study in high school or a history class how the Catholic Church sold indulgences? Basically, if the King wanted a new wife, but he beheaded his first wife, he simply paid the church enough money and the church would proclaim that he was right with God and therefore, he was forgiven for his sins. Look at how the Catholic Church covered up and hid for decades the fact that hundreds of its priests around the world were pedophiles! I was raised a Catholic and went to a Catholic high school. This is outrageous behavior! The current Pope was a member of the Hitler youth when he was a teenager. I’m sure a man can redeem himself through his actions, but I gotta be honest. Growing up I never felt like the leaders of the church had their hearts in the right place. I never resonated with, or internally felt the churches fear-based dogma was an accurate description of the divine. I can read the Bible myself and draw my own conclusions. I don’t need a priest to tell me what it means. When you put the opinion of others above your own, you give away your power and open yourself up to manipulation by others. Never do that! Never trust anyone else’s judgment above your own, including mine. “Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.”–Albert Einstein.
You should only get married if you and your partner want to be married, and feel in your heart of hearts that it is the right thing for you to do. Not because of what others think you should do, but because it is what you want to do. From my own experience, and from having interviewed thousands of women and men over the years in life and in my own coaching practice, I can tell you that most people who get married are doing it for the wrong reasons. That is why when it comes to matters of the heart, you should only listen to your heart and your gut feeling, and ignore everything else. Your feelings are your truth. Your feelings are how God speaks to you. Every spiritual tradition talks about the importance of the heart. Jesus said that the kingdom of God is within. It’s the spirit that gives life, the flesh counts for nothing. People who are uncomfortable listening to their heart or their gut feeling, usually have some kind of dogma or limiting belief that causes them to dismiss their hearts desires.
Every relationship is an opportunity to help each other grow and become more. The whole purpose of all relationships is… you go there to give! Nothing else! Love was not put into your heart to stay. Love is not love until you give it away! The following is an e-mail I got from a woman who is 27, single and childless. She feels outside pressure to get married because of what her peer group is doing, but internally she is not ready to get married. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of her e-mail:
I have a sort of random question. I have been cheated on in my past, however I am not insecure. I don’t go through phones, nor do I question whereabouts (You are a trusting woman who sounds like you have a healthy self-esteem.) However, I am relationship phobic. (Anyone who is contemplating a long-term relationship or marriage should understand that you must choose very carefully the person/people you are going to spend your life with. Why? 95% of your happiness or your misery will come from that one decision! I only get into long-term relationships based upon a deep mutual love and respect for one another. Anyone else that comes along is just someone to have fun with until you meet someone who intoxicates you by their very presence. I don’t do mediocrity. I want the best, or nothing at all. I have found that it is always better to wait for the right one, than to settle for someone who is less than what I really want. Why? You can’t make the other person become what you want. They’ve either got it, or they don’t.) I have NO desire to be tied down to any one person and I will be 28 in 3 months. (In my opinion, you have simply not met anyone who pushed your buttons enough to cause you to feel that way. You should focus on becoming the very best version of yourself that you can be. You must become what you want to attract.) There has to be something else. Most women my age are looking towards marriage and children and here I am 27, single, and childless. Any insight? (There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect just the way you are. You are whole, you are complete and you are perfect as God created you. Only get into long-term relationships with people who you want to be in a long-term relationship with. If you become exclusive with another when it’s not what you really want, you are screwing yourself and them by not being authentic. A marriage is simply one type of relationship that you can have. You must be who you are, what you should be is not important!)
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“When you meet someone who’s soul isn’t aligned with yours… send them love and move on”-Dr. Wayne Dyer