How to know if you have a 2nd chance with a woman who dumped you and if you should want one.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started dating a woman who was coming out of a divorce. She was also seeing another guy at the same time and cheating on the other guy with him. She chose the other guy because he is too emotional, girly and weak.
He’s stuck in friend zone and wonders if he still has a chance since he is now stuck in friend zone. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Hey Coach Corey,
I met this girl coming out of a divorce. We hit it off pretty much immediately, but we stayed a friends first thing.
Typically, when a woman says “friends first,” it means you’re not getting anywhere beyond friend zone.
We had instant strong chemistry, and I never had a girl chase me like that.
So, she was really into him at first, but with the “friends first” thing, she probably didn’t feel that this guy had his act together.
I got complacent, she backed off. I chased hard. But she met some new guy, broke my heart. She kinda bounced between us but stayed more committed to him, at least in terms of titles.
Well, she obviously chose him because he acted more masculine, more consistent.
She cheated on him with me a few times and complained about him to me.
So, he was the other guy, the side piece, the emotional tampon. He’s obviously, without realizing it, a little Frankenstein boyfriend project.
I started to break every rule of your book, not even knowing it, being emotional. But she stuck around, while he’s been more of the guy you describe to be in your book.
That’s why she chooses him, mostly.
Even telling me at one point “she feels like she has to be the strong one.” Fuck me, that hurt.
In other words, “I feel like I have to be the man in this relationship.” Obviously, she doesn’t like that. That’s why she chose the other guy.
Over the course of the last 1.5 years, it’s been waxing and waning between us. I can tell she still cares and doesn’t want to lose the friendship at minimum.
The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And the thing that you’re ignoring is she’s in the middle of a divorce. And on top of that, she cheated on the other guy she was supposedly in a relationship with with you. So, she probably gets the emotional tampon part from you, and when things don’t go well with the other guy, she’s happy to sleep with you. And when the other guy acts more masculine, or you become effeminate and chase her right out of your life, she stays with him.
The thing that you’re ignoring is character is destiny. This is not somebody that’s going to be loyal and faithful to anybody, especially you. Because if she cheats on him with you, she’ll cheat on you with somebody else. That’s just a fact of life.
I feel I can still see glimpses of attraction towards me, but in the end, I don’t know.
Well, women vote with their feet. If they’re with you, it means they voted for you.
But why would she stick around for just a friendship if I’m that difficult?
Because you’re part of the Frankenstein boyfriend project. So, obviously, she doesn’t get the intimacy and the emotional connection with the guy she’s actually sleeping with most of the time. She gets that with you. And so, whatever she’s not getting from you she gets from him, and vice versa. So, together, you two make part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project. And then, she never has to worry about being alone, because you’ll probably jump through your butt as soon as she texts you.
I recently told her we need to stop talking for a while because I realized I just wasn’t getting anywhere and kept re-digging holes.
Yeah, “3% Man” is not going to help you if you read it 10-15 times and do the opposite or you read it once or twice and cherry pick. The other thing is, you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. You can’t turn a woman who has no integrity into a woman who has integrity because you got “3% Man.”
It’s obvious from her behavior, and the audience is going to see it and will respond in the comments, but you’re ignoring the reality of the fact this chick has no integrity. She has no character. She ain’t gonna be loyal and faithful to anybody. “These hoes ain’t loyal!”
I knew I had to break the cycle and get straight with myself first.
Well, as Jim Rohn used to say, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” When you stay involved in relationships like this with no integrity, being the other guy, the side piece, if you will, you’re telling the universe and sending the vibration and communication out of, “Hey, please send me more of these types of people and situations, because I like this. I allow this into my life. I accept this into my life.” And then, nothing is going to change. If you want to have a woman there because she wants to be with you, then you’ve got to act congruent with that.
So does that sound like there is still opportunity?
Why would you want that opportunity? Why would you want to be with a liar and a cheater? I mean, think about the amount of lying and deviousness that she’s got to do with the other guy. She’s probably lying to you both, because if she’s lying to him, that’s in her nature. Character is destiny. And for you to think that she’s not lying to you too, that’s just delusional.
If so, from what approach? Getting a friend to be my girlfriend? Getting your ex back? “Starting new”?
Well, if I were you, I would be meeting and dating new women. I’d tell her, “As long as you’re dating this other guy and having a relationship with him, it’s not appropriate for us to talk and hang out. And so, I don’t want to hear from you unless it doesn’t work out.” I mean, I wouldn’t get involved with her at all, unless you’re a glutton for punishment. And from the tone of your email, it just sounds like you’re going to save this girl. You’re gong to be Captain Save-a-Hoe and you’re going to fix her. And because you’re such a good dude, she’s going to now, all of a sudden, become a woman of integrity? That’s not going to happen, dude. That’s not how people operate.
You have to see the situation as it is – not better than it is or worse than it is, but as it is – and you’re seeing it way better than it is. You’re living in la-la fantasy land, here. If it was me, I would move on and say, “Hey, we’ve made some great memories, but I’m looking for something real. I want a woman who will commit to me. I want a woman who’s loyal, who’s trustworthy, who’s not going to cheat on her boyfriend.”
And one of the other things, one of the warnings that’s in my book is don’t get involved with women in the middle of a divorce or in the middle of a breakup, because they need time to heal. A good woman who has a good head on her shoulders is going to take time to heal. And on average, it takes most people about a year and a half to completely get over a long-term relationship that broke up, to heal properly, where they’re ready to start dating and seeing somebody else.
Insecure people, they go right from one relationship to the next. Like in this case, she’s got both of you in her life. Who knows, there may be a third dude that you don’t even know about. But insecure women like this always have multiple guys around, and when things are going well with one, that’s who she devotes her time to. And when things aren’t going well with the primary guy, she starts hanging out with dudes like you.
If you’re cool with being her side piece, if you want to be hooking up with a woman who’s hooking up with some other dude, hey, whatever, man. Whatever floats your boat. I wouldn’t mess with it. I would just move on and say, “It’s been great memories.” But if you want to leave the door open, you can’t just keep hanging out and talking to her unless you’re hanging out and hooking up. I wouldn’t meet her out, I wouldn’t go pick her up. I’d have her come to your house and make dinner together. Treat her like a friends with benefits. And I would absolutely wear a raincoat with somebody like this if you’re going to stay involved with them.
If you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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