How to determine if you have cold feet, commitment issues or if you simply are not that into your lover and should let them go so they can find someone who will really love them the way they deserve to be loved, and so you can find what your heart really craves.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who was in a relationship with a woman for seven years. He never wanted to commit to her and says he could never understand why. Towards the end of last year, he could tell that she was starting to check out of the relationship. Eventually he ended it at the beginning of the year. The more she backed away, the more interested he became in her. Two days after he ended it, he called her and asked her to come over so they could talk about things. He apologized and talked about his perceived commitment issues. He asked her to give their relationship another chance. She said she would think about it. Five days later he texted her, but she simply said that she was sorry for hurting him. He is now approaching three months of no contact between either of them. He says he’s ready to commit to her now and asks my opinion.
I’ve been watching your videos for the first time over the past couple of weeks, and I’m really enjoying your advice! Here is my story…I’ve been in a relationship with a woman for over seven years. In that time, we were very good together as friends and physically, but I could never figure out why I didn’t want to move ahead in the relationship. In October 2014, she basically started checking out of the relationship. Of course I didn’t realize this as it was happening, but after I ended things in early January 2015, I’ve come to realize this. I basically suggested it, because she just seemed miserable. Her big problem was, I didn’t want to move forward with the relationship, and I always said it was because I wasn’t ready to. (She realized you just weren’t that into her.) Yet, in the months she started to check out, I found myself getting towards that point, but not realizing she was making her plan to exit the relationship. (As she started to back away, you became more interested. However, you don’t mention being in love with her. There was no passion.)
thought of nothing but that for two days after we were done. I came to the obvious conclusion, I’ve pretty much had a major fear of commitment my whole life and really haven’t been able to commit to much. I asked that she come over so we could talk two days after — yes I know, panic mode. However, I didn’t beg and plead. I explained why I had put things off as I have because of my commitment issues, explained I was aware of them, and that I feel I have gotten to the point where I want to move forward with life. (You don’t say anything about moving forward with her.) I said I would like to start fresh if she still had feelings for me. I basically talked to her for two hours, and it was a very open and non-hostile talk. Her response at the end was that she would think about it, leaned over on top of me and gave me a very long hug and kiss on the cheek, said she was very proud of me, then said she probably shouldn’t stay over that evening, which I agreed with. (When a woman says she’ll think about it, that means no. She is doing you a favor at this point. She finally realized you weren’t into her, and she was the one who had the balls to move on.)
I’ve had one texting slip, and that was five days later when I said, “this really sucks,” and she replied the next morning with just, “I’m sorry.” Since then, I went no contact. My logic was, as much as I am hoping we can start fresh, I needed to begin the process of getting over her. Since then, I have continued to heal, and I am quickly approaching the three-month no contact point. Her birthday is in five days, and I’m really tempted to reach out to her, but am not going to. I don’t think it’s a wise move. (You shouldn’t reach out to her. Let her go and find the right guy for her. Don’t hold her back, and don’t hold yourself back.)
I was really just hoping for your feedback about this. She used to love me a lot, and that really was gone towards the end, so I’m trying not to get my hopes too high. (You haven’t mentioned anything about your feelings or loving her at all.) I’ve made excellent progress with my health since the breakup, by eating a lot less, and I have gained some strength and size. I’ve always been a frequent to the gym, but because of poor diet, I never made any strides – again, fear to commit to something completely. (If you’re not happy with yourself and your life, you’re dicking around. You need to find something you’re passionate about. That will affect the kind of women you attract in your life.) I really feel I’m ready to commit to her and other things in life, and if she still loves me, I feel we could have a happy life together. (There’s no passion and love in this statement. Wake up and stop bullshitting yourself.) I’m just not sure she still has that fire for me she once showed. (I’d say she doesn’t. Let her go so she can find someone who knocks her socks off.)
I hope I get some feedback from you. Keep up the good work. You seem to know your shit! (Life’s too short to be mediocre. What you had sucked, but now you’re free to find a woman who really makes you happy, makes you want to give to her and love her in the way she deserves, and make her love you in the way you deserve.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“People tend to want what they can’t have. When they are simply no longer into their lover anymore, or realize they never were in the first place, they don’t make the effort to make them feel loved. Eventually, when their lover leaves them, they delude themselves into believing that their former lover is “The One” and that they must get them back at all costs. Rejection breeds obsession. The reality is, the relationship was over a long time ago, but they were simply too weak and fearful to leave or end things out of their irrational fear that they will never find anyone better. When you really truly love someone, you will want them to be happy and loved, even if it isn’t with you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne