How to know if a woman you are seeing is girlfriend/wife material or if you should send her back to the streets.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started dating and sleeping with a woman while she was still in a relationship with another guy. He has tried to set and enforce some healthy boundaries, but still is unsure of what to do. She appears to have honored the boundaries they agreed to so far.
There are several other red flags she is displaying that lead him to wonder if he should keep seeing her or send her back to the streets. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
The reality is, you’ve got two types of people in the world. You can boil it down to A or B. You’ve got people that operate with integrity, and you got people that don’t. And way too many good dudes make the mistake of giving the benefit of the doubt to women who show that they have no integrity. Maya Angelou had a great quote. She said, “When someone shows you or tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”
I had another email, and I was going to go over it as well, but this one, before I get into the one I’m actually going to go through with you, I’ll give you a kind of synopsis. This guy was married to his wife for twenty years. They had a few kids. The marriage has been rocky at times, and he thought it was just an average marriage.
Then he comes to find out one day that she’s on a bunch of different cheating websites. I think it was the Ashley Madison one. When he caught her the first time messaging some dude, she locked her phone, but then he was able to look over her shoulder and see her pass code. So, she’s taking a shower, he looks into her phone, obviously sees all these other dating sites and then sees the conversation between her and other dudes that she’s sleeping with.
Obviously, you can imagine that’s just not a good situation. This particular guy tried to take his own life because of that, which is horrible. It’s a horrible thing to happen. If that guy is watching, dude, you are not responsible for the fact that your wife is a liar and a cheater. But you are responsible about what you do about it, because if you just take her back and forgive her, now you’ve said it’s okay. Now you’ve enabled her behavior.
Yeah, you had some rocky roads, but she went and had sex with God knows how many men, and you said it was okay. “We can get through this and we can work on it together.” Well, the reality is as soon as you slip up again, maybe you get busy with work, you get caught up in life, you don’t date and court her properly anymore, she gets lonely, she gets horny. She did it to you once. Women like this, that think like this, men that think like this, they don’t care. They, deep down, believe everybody is like this.
People that have no honor and integrity, they think everybody else has no honor and no integrity. And therefore, if the conditions are the same way, they’ll just screw you over again. You could choose to forgive her and follow everything that I teach in How To Be A 3% Man, and she may be faithful, but as soon as you slack off, maybe you’re two, three, four years, five years from now, at some point she’ll just do it again, because her word doesn’t mean anything.
And that’s the point. You’ve got to look at what people do, not that they say. They may want to do the right thing, they may say they want to do the right thing, but their actions show you their true nature. And that’s the reality here. A lot of women, because there’s so many broken homes out there now, it doesn’t mean all of them, but most people, men and women, that come from broken homes that don’t take the time to work on themselves or go through therapy or just decide, “I’m not going to be like my screwed up parents,” most average people aren’t going to do anything about it. They’ll continue to operate and emulate what they saw growing up.
And if they don’t value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity, honoring your word, if they don’t have shared values, shared goals, you can’t fix them. It’s not your job to make them do what you want. A lot of people project their fantasy of what they want and then they ignore the reality of how they’re treated. And the reality is, as a guy gets older and he becomes more successful, his reserve of knowledge grows, his gifts, his skills, his talents get developed, his income earning potential grows. Men’s sexual market value, if you will, goes up the older we get, whereas women’s tends to go down.
And so, this particular guy that was getting cheated on by his wife of twenty years, my attitude is learn what’s in How To Be A 3% Man, and then go find yourself a hotter, younger woman who will treat you the way you want to be treated, who has the same goals and values as you. Don’t try to off yourself because your wife is a ratchet chick. It’s not your fault. You didn’t make her that way, she was that way.
The fact that you catch her in something, she says she won’t do it again, and then she locks her phone. Then you see her pass code as she’s putting it in one day, and then you go check her phone when she’s not around, and you see all the cheating, and the messaging, and the hot texts that are going back and forth between her and these other random married guys that are also cheating on their spouses. Like attracts like. She has no integrity, so she’s hanging out with other people that have no integrity.
That’s who she is. Not your fault. You didn’t make her that way. You’re not responsible for her. But you are responsible for what you do. And if it was me, as hard as it is, I’d replace her with somebody hotter and younger, that actually has integrity, and go out and play the field. Because you’re projecting your fantasy of what you want your wife to be, and in reality, her actions show you her true character.
Now, you can forgive her and tolerate it and hope that she doesn’t do it to you again, but at some point, you’re going to get lazy. You’re going to get caught up. You’re going to slip up. And that’s your choice, it’s your life. I’m only here to tell you the way things are, to teach you how to create attraction, but you can’t make good wine from bad grapes. That’s reality.
I just got out of a relationship that lasted 4 years with a great girl. Everything about her was amazing, but I always felt like I could do better. Just like you, I had to end it because of the little voice inside that was screaming, but it was reeeally tough!
You’ve got to listen to your intuition. I know it’s hard. When I was younger, I didn’t have the strength and the confidence, and I certainly didn’t come from the background where I learned to trust that or believe in myself enough to trust that, and I learned the hard way. I ended up getting married, and the whole time leading up to when I got engaged, even before I got engaged, and even going through the marriage process, the little voice is going, “Don’t do it. Don’t do it. It doesn’t feel right.”
She knew, I knew, our friends knew, but they were like, “Oh, it’s so cute. Everybody’s getting married. Oh, you’ve just got cold feet. It’ll be great.” But you’ve got to remember, we all project what’s inside. And so, when you’re surrounded by people who more often than not are also settling in their lives and they see that you’re settling, if you settle and they settle, they feel good. If you don’t want to settle, then they start to doubt themselves. And so, you’ve got to remember, people project their values onto you and they try to get you to conform to their way, or their worldview, or their way of showing up because it validates their life choices.
So, don’t validate the life choices if you have mediocre people around you, because otherwise, then you’re going to be just like them. Having the strength to walk away and move on when it doesn’t feel right is a superpower. And quite frankly, unconsciously, you give people permission to follow in your path if you’re the one that says, “Nah, I’m going to go this way” — if you’re the square peg in the round hole, so to speak.
I managed to end it in a loving way, and we are still sending some messages now and then, nothing romantic though. In the meantime, I met this other chick that leaves me wondering. Here are a couple facts that just confuse me and that I would like to have your opinion on.
1. She has lunch with a co-worker that tried to kiss her.
Because she likes the attention and validation. That’s the bottom line. She’s inviting attention from a guy who’s tried to kiss her, who she’s rejected, apparently, as far as you know, but yet she still continues hanging out with him. A woman who is honorable and who has integrity is just simply not going to do that, would never entertain that and wouldn’t want to screw up her chances with you.
2. She keeps in touch with men that are after her through Instagram.
She’s probably got a missing father in her life, or a bad relationship or not, just didn’t have a father figure, so she’s craving and missing that male attention that she didn’t get as a little girl. And so, she fulfills this need in a dysfunctional way. But this is a learned behavior. She’s an adult now. The odds of her changing and becoming a person with integrity, if you’re in Vegas and you’re betting on that, you’re probably going to lose everything. You’re going to probably lose all your money on that hand. It’s not worth it.
3. She slept with me while still in a relationship, feeling no remorse.
She belongs in the streets, baby! You can’t make good wine from bad grapes. You can’t fix this. This is the kind of woman that’s a friends with benefits, open relationship, sex playmate, fuck buddy, that’s it. You don’t try to wife up a hoe. It’s the way she is. She cheated on the other guy with you. When she’s unhappy with you, she’ll cheat on you with somebody else. Maybe she’ll go back to the other guy, because he’s probably still pining after her. You can’t fix this. It’s not your job or your responsibility, but it is your responsibility to recognize what you’re dealing with.
And this goes for not just for romantic partners, but with friends as well. People who screw you over, people that borrow money and they don’t pay you back. You just don’t stay involved with those kind of people. And the only reason people do is because they’ve got a low self-esteem, they don’t believe in themselves, and deep down, they don’t think they’re worthy. And so, therefore they hang out with people that don’t make them feel worthy and do shitty things to them. That’s reality.
4. She lets other men touch and hug her when she is drunk.
She’s got no boundaries. Again, she had no daddy, no honorable man in her life to teach her how to be an honorable woman. So, therefore, she’s not. She’s a hooker. Plain and simple? Don’t try to turn a hoe into a housewife. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Always wear a raincoat. But again, there’s no guarantee that the raincoat is going to prevent you from getting a gift that keeps on giving, so you’ve got to be fucking smart.
I confronted her about all of this and there wasn’t any further incident of this kind anymore. Still, it leaves me wondering if I should or should not send her back to the streets.
Thank you for everything you do.
Well, I think I pretty much answered that question. It’s pretty obvious from the whole email, both emails. It’s delusional to think that women like this are going to change, are going to become good, honorable people. Maybe a small fraction do. Maybe they find God, they become born again Christians or whatever, and now they have a system that they’re going to operate in.
But just because she supposedly found God doesn’t mean that she’s permanently reformed. As Gerald Celente of the Trends Research Institute says, “Current events form future trends.” If she’s had no integrity up until this point in her life, she’s probably always going to be that way. I know that’s harsh, but you can ignore reality, but you’re going to suffer the consequences of ignoring reality.
I’m just trying to help you head off a disaster in the future. Because way too many guys get wrapped up with these women that they’re trying to fix, trying to be Mr. White Knight, Captain Save-a-Hoe, and give her the benefit of the doubt, and then they get screwed over and they’re like, “Why me? How did this happen?” It’s like, you said yes to her. You allowed her into your inner circle and you committed to her. That’s just stupid. I mean, plain and simple.
It’s like the people who think Marxism and communism and collectivism will finally work with the right people in charge. It doesn’t matter, the body count’s over one hundred million. They’re like,”Nah, it’s all capitalism’s fault. Socialism failed because of the United States, because of capitalist societies.” Okay, only low IQ, weak ass people believe that bullshit. But there’s lots of them out there, lots of feral humans out there that we have to put up with and live with.
So, if you’d like to book a coaching session with yours truly, maybe you’re in a situation with a woman that’s like this or you’re going, “My Spidey sense is tingling. There’s all these signs, but I’m in love with this girl and I can’t help myself. I want to talk to Corey and tell him the whole story, because I know he’ll tell me exactly like it is. And then I can make an informed, intelligent decision whether to stay, or to go to find somebody better, or just be a glutton for punishment.” Go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Relationships that start from cheating almost always end due to cheating. People who show you through their actions that they are not trustworthy are not to be trusted. If someone screws you over, that is on them. If you enable their behavior by forgiving them and then they screw you over again, that is on you. Always look at what people do, not what they say. If you ignore reality, you will suffer the consequences of ignoring reality.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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