Do This If You Got Too Emotionally Invested & Chased Her Away

What you can do if you got too emotionally invested & chased her away.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says he got too emotionally invested in a girl he hooked up with whenever she was in town. He started missing her because she seemed genuinely interested in his life and after reaching out, she invited him to her city. He started fantasizing about their future together and over communicated his interest. She left him on read.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Do This If You Got Too Emotionally Invested & Chased Her Away”.

I think most guys have had this experience. Start dating a girl. It’s hot and heavy. Get a little excited. You start thinking about your future too much. You talk about it too much and you ignore the fact she’s not saying the same kinds of things. And the next thing you know, she leaves you on read. So this particular email is Bob from Japan. He’s been following my work for a while now, but he says he only got around to reading 3% Man once.

So that’s obviously going to be part of his problem. But about two years ago, he met a girl at a club they ended up hooking up. She’s kind of back and forth. Like when she comes into town, she’ll text him, they’ll get together and hook up. And the last time that they saw each other, she was asking him a lot of questions about himself. And he recognized, wow, this woman is sincerely interested in me because he says every time he hooks up with somebody like never sees him again and never really cares.

But this girl, he started to miss her, started to get a little dopey. He reached out, which is not bad. And then she invited him to go see her. And I think she’s in Beijing, China. And instead of waiting for the next time for her to come back. And then again, he started kind of getting in his emotions and his feelings a little bit. Over communicated his interest, then she was back in Japan. They were talking about getting together and you could tell her attitude was a little different.

Instead of being James Bond, the guy that she’s the one trying to figure out and get together with, he over communicates his interest and also kind of communicates that he’s having a hard time. He’s going to get emotional and she likes it casual because again, she’s just not back in town all the time. So now he got left on read. He shares the text exchange. So we’ll go through that. So these things are going to happen. You’ve got to remember, one of the things I talk about in 3% Man is that dating is like tennis, and you’ve got to match and mirror the other person’s efforts.

So if you find yourself in a situation like this, you get too emotionally invested, you call too much, you text too much, you notice she’s slipping away, and then all of a sudden she just doesn’t reply to your last message. She leaves you on read. Think of it as like, you hit the ball over the net, and then you’ve got to wait for her to hit it back. And in this case, she might not hit it back for several months until the next time she comes in town. So he’s just going to have to chillax.

Because when you really start to care about somebody, if you don’t know the book, you’re going to get exposed because your emotions override your logic. And what typically most guys do is we just display too much unattractive behavior and unmasculine behavior, and it turns the woman off. If she feels like you can’t handle it, if you’re not gonna be able to keep your mouth shut, or if you’re going to get overly emotional trying to lock her down, which is basically acting like a woman, she’s going to lose interest and back away.

Because the reality is, women like you way more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them. And when it’s the other way around, they’re going to be less interested. It’s just the way they are. They’re designed to get our attention. They do this naturally and innately, but if we don’t give them the chance to come to us at their own pace, they’re going to bounce. So it’s a fine art between hanging back, hanging back too much, being too much of a cold fish and being too overly warm and overly invested like this guy got.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’m Bob from Japan and I’ve been following your work for a bit now. I’ve only read the book once. Yes Coach, you can crucify me for it, I deserve it.

Well, you’re writing in because you didn’t take the time to learn it. You can’t make the time to do it right the first time. When will you be able to make the time to do it over the second time? As Confucius said, “Success depends on prior preparation. And without said preparation, there’s sure to be failure.” But he does a really good job of just letting her reach out. Because if you’re kind of seeing a girl like this where she hits you up when she’s in town, you should always leave it that way.

I wouldn’t be reaching out to her. It’s just unnecessary. And plus, again, if she’s only in town, you’re happy to see her if you hear from her. If not, you’re living your life. She should be the one getting overly invested in missing you and reaching out. And then you can make plans to go see her in China. But if you push too much, if you become impatient, her interest is going to evaporate like the rain does.

And wanted your perspective on a situation that made me realize I may have gotten way too emotionally invested in a woman before the relationship justified it. Two years ago, I met a girl at a club and we had strong chemistry. Her friends were cock-blocking me.

I hate when that happens, but it happens. This is why it’s important if you’re in a situation like that to spend the time talking to her friends and opening them up and talking to them so you can create rapport. If you ignore her friends or you’re not nice to them, then they will torture you. They’ll clam slam you and you’ll get nowhere.

So I left and reached out the next morning.

So it seems like she liked him. He liked her. He got the number. He wasn’t gonna sit around for a cock blocking. He moves on, which is the right move in that case. But you know, again, did he take the time to create rapport with the friends? Doesn’t look that way. But it doesn’t matter because she likes him. Attraction cuts through everything.

She lives abroad and said she’d text me when she came back. A few months later she did, and we slept together a few times.

You see how that works? So she’s leaving the next day, says, hey, I’ll hit you up when I get back in town. And he’s like, cool, that’d be awesome. You just let her be. You don’t have to do anything in that case, because again, she’s not here. So you’re doing her a favor by dating her, hanging out with her, hooking up with her when she’s nearly not around. If you’re looking for a girl to have a relationship with, you want her to live in your city. But you’re open to give the woman a chance who lives abroad. But she’s got to make the effort to get your attention, and then you’ll give it to her. Because again, it’s not really the ideal situation. But they have a lot in common. As you’ll see. They’re kind of kinky. They got the same kink, apparently.

A year later I randomly bumped into her at the same club and told her to text me if she wanted to spend the night together, which she did.

I mean, very cocky, very self-assured. Hey, hit me up if you want to spend the night together. And he does nothing. Which is great because again, not really trying to date her. And you hadn’t heard from her. So I mean, his game is pretty tight when he’s doing this. So he’s doing well.

While we were talking, she took my phone and followed herself on Instagram, meaning she had removed me sometime after our previous encounter.

Well, clearly it was just a hook up.

We had a lot of kinky sex. We’re both into BDSM.

You naughty boy and girl.

And she asked about my life and seemed genuinely interested.

It’s so much better when the woman actually likes listening to you and talking to you and wanting to know what’s going on in your life. It’s nice to be cared about.

I’d never really had that experience because usually I hook up with women and we never talk again. Afterward she sent me a video of us. I just liked it, and we didn’t talk for six months. Somewhere along the way, I started missing her. A lot. I was still seeing other women, but she stayed in my head. Sometimes I even felt guilty being with another girl, almost like I was cheating on someone I’d never actually been in a relationship with.

The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And the difference with her is she actually took interest in him as a person, which that feels different. That’s why it’s so much nicer when you meet a woman and you just click right away. Love at first sight, whatever you want to call it. You’re just really into her from the get go. Versus a woman where you feel that way about her. And she’s kind of like, eh, but she’ll go out with you.

And then it takes a month or so to get her to the point where she’s really into you. It’s much better to meet somebody that you just click with right away. It’s just a deeper connection. And I found that after you’ve had those relationships, they’re just better memories. They’re more intense feelings. At the end of the day, you want to play full out. You want to see what your heart is truly capable. You want it to blossom and flower.

Eventually I texted her and the interaction was amazing.

So he put a little bit of an effort in which probably he should have done before, but again, she lives in another country. He was probably thinking, it’s just a hookup. Plus, that’s what he’s used to doing. So he started kind of catching some feelings.

Eventually I texted her and the interaction was amazing. She called me “Daddy” and told me I should come see her (messages attached).

I would have been booking my flight. It’s like, great, when are you available? I would have booked a ticket, sent her my itinerary. Can’t wait to see you.

From then on, I started imagining us married and what our life could look like.

Well, your job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. She’s inviting you to come see her in Beijing. And you should have made time to do that. Maybe he didn’t get his visa in order, I don’t know. Whatever the reason was, he didn’t go. But she gets back to Japan and reaches out. Or I think they bump into each other.

Despite us never having been in a committed relationship. Stupid, I know. From then on, I started imagining us married and what our life could look like despite us never having been in a committed relationship. Stupid, I know.

Well, if you start talking about your future with her, you lower your chances of actually having a future with her. It’s got to be her idea. Your job is to make the opportunity for sex to happen, happen.

Recently we were both in Tokyo for a festival. I saw on her Instagram story that she was there and asked if she was still in Tokyo. She said “Yup.” When I suggested meeting, she replied, “We can meet in Osaka later.” I’d never gotten such a cold response from her before. I replied, “sounds good,” and she left me on read.

Well again, your job is to be the appointment setter. I would have said, “when are you going to be there? What time? I’d love to see you.” You could be a little warm to her. So let’s go through his text exchange, because it’s also possible that she hooked up with another guy. That’s another dude. Because instead of “hell yeah, I’d love to see you.” It’s, “Yeah, we can meet in Osaka later.” So that probably means there might have been somebody else in Tokyo. Maybe Chad Thunder Cock was in Tokyo.

He said: “Hey what’s up?

I’m taking a few weeks off from work. Thought it’d be fun to catch up if you’re in Japan right now.”

She says: “Daddy”

He said: “There she is.

That’s what I would have said. But here’s what he says.

He said: “There she is.

What’ve you been up to? Been a good girl?”

She says: “I’m in Beijing right now”

He said: “I see.

Any plans on coming back to Japan this year?”

So this is back in like June, middle of June.

She says: “Possibly”

With a, um, what is that fruit or what is that vegetable eggplant.

She says: “Why not come see me daddy

He says: “Careful, I might actually do it.

I was actually planning to visit Hong Kong next year. Just gotta get some paperwork sorted first.”

So he’s not really available.

“Sounds good. Hit me up when you’re back in Japan.

Miss fucking your pretty face.”

Yup. So I guess this is still June. Yep. Or maybe this was recently. So this is still back in June.

So here’s where he kind of loses the plot.

She says: “Miss having you inside of me too”

He says: “Good girl. Guess we’ll have to fix that when we see each other again.

Can’t wait to give you my babies.

Probably with me saying that it’s too much.

All of them.

And she hearted it. It’s a little too much.

U still in Tokyo?”

She says: “Yup”

He says: “I’m here till tomorrow morning.

You should come hang out”

She says: “We can meet in osaka later”

He says: “sounds good.”

So that was the end of it. She never replied and we assumed she went back. So what do you do in this case? You don’t do anything. You just let her be. It’s more effective when it’s her idea. But he did communicate. He’d like to see her, and now he’s letting her be. And so you let her wonder. Because again, dating is like tennis. He hit the ball over the net and she just she said. Osaka later, he said, sounds good, but he didn’t really nail down any plans unless that part got cut off because he did send me one of these texts. That were twice. So let’s go back to his email. So she never replied after he says.

Then I started overanalyzing everything, whether I should’ve just liked her message, whether I looked needy or stalker-ish, etc.

It’s the comment about the babies is like, oh come on dude. That’s like a face palm moment.

She also recently deleted the videos she’d sent me, which made me feel like she may be pulling back. What bothers me most is my reaction. I’ve never been like this before. I’ve felt jealousy, embarrassment, and anger toward myself.

It’s like, it’s okay. You’ve got to give yourself permission to fuck up so you learn. You realize, okay, well, that message went over like a lead balloon. I’m not going to start talking about babies with a girl I only hear from every couple of months. Because you’re like James Bond when she’s in town, she hits you up when she’s available, and you could have been a little bit warmer when you were together. You just kind of were a little too cold, and that caused her to be a little colder as well.

That would be, like I said, you should be happy to hear from her and make the appointment. If she says, “we should meet in Osaka later.” Say, great. “What day are you going to be there and what time?” And then send her a place to meet. “Hey, how about we meet at this place?” It’s really cool because your job is to set the appointment. But you just said, sounds good, and you left it up in the air. Your job again, even if she reaches out, your job is to arrange to get together. It’s to create the definite plans.

How do I reset mentally without becoming cold or bitter? And if she reaches out or I see her again, how do I react and avoid falling back into over-investing?

Thanks for your work,

Bob

Well, reading the book 10 to 15 times would help you read it once, and you’re kind of surprised that shit went sideways. So that’s on you, my man. So at this point, you don’t do anything. You wait to hear from her, and when you do, make definite plans. If she again reiterates you coming to visit her, is that something you can do? Or maybe you know, it takes a little longer to get a visa, so it might not be possible. And you could just say, “well, let me know, when are you going to be back in town? I want to see your face.”

And she says, “oh, in six months”, or I just said, six months is like, “you should make a trip sooner. I don’t think you should stay away from me that long. I don’t think you can handle it. I think you need to come back and see me and so we can have fun. Because I miss you. I’d love to see you.”

And say, “figure it out. Let me know.” But again, I’d be a little bit warmer when she reaches out and be more definitive with making plans. And don’t be talking about making babies. It’s just not, it’s inappropriate. That could come later on when she’s really feeling it, but not when you hear from her maybe every 3 to 6 months. It’s too much.

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