When most people decide they want something or that they should take some kind of action towards their goals, that’s when their fears surface and they use some kind of bullshit personal story or limiting belief as justification to do nothing and take no action. When they write to me, they can’t help but reveal what they are using as an excuse to not take the action they know they need to take. Like Andy Roddick says… “At some point, you either have the things you want in life, or the reasons why you don’t.”
Most human beings do not like change and will do anything to try and hold onto what they’ve got because they do not feel comfortable making changes in their life. They have been disappointed so much in their lives at one point, that they have decided to avoid change and anything that causes them to feel out of their comfort zone. People will do more to avoid pain than they will do to gain pleasure. They get into their little rut and then over time they develop a whole array of bullshit lines and excuses as to why they can’t do this or do that, etc. It’s the same for men and women. Both sexes do it to themselves.
How many overweight people do you know who resolved to lose weight and start taking care of their bodies with a proper diet and exercise, only to be ready with dozens of excuses why they have actually gained weight six months after resolving to make a change? We all know people like that. What do they usually say? “I got a thyroid problem… my elbow hurts… my knee hurts… I don’t have the time… when I get some more money I will eat better and join a gym… my feet hurt… I can’t exercise… etc.”
Maybe they want to be more successful with women and know they actually have to talk to women to get their phone number, but give themselves countless excuses and reasons why they don’t or can’t… at least not yet until something happens. I get countless emails from guys who go through all kinds of mental gymnastics to avoid talking to women, or if they are talking to women, simply getting them to ask for their phone number. Some guys see a chick they like in a restaurant and will go back several times to eat when she is working. They may even spend hundreds of dollars with the same waitress, not to mention hours of their precious time and still never ask for her number. Here’s a recent email I got from a reader (I have bolded my comments in brackets like this):
I am in need of some advice. It was yesterday that I went to Hooters and this waitress who has brought me drinks even when I haven’t been sitting in her section. She has been doing this a while. For me this act has been hardly note worthy. Anyways I am getting side tracked, I sat down and after bringing me a drink again I wasn’t sitting in her section, she said, “This isn’t my section.” I replied,” It isn’t? Dang.” She stood there for a bit I guess she was waiting for me to say something (probably waiting for you to be a man and ask for her number) or maybe get up and move to her section . After a few seconds had passed I simply smiled and said “Tell you what. I will get ya next time.” She said, “Ok.”
The next time I sit in her section I want to be able to say something humorous at the same time light hearted. Do you have any ideas? (Sure, just pull out your cell phone and ask her for her number. She will either give it to you or she won’t. Stop engaging in this mental circle-jerk with yourself.) Tom.
Now this guy has written me about Hooter’s waitresses in his emails going back six months. He’s still spending money and not asking for phone numbers. How much money has he wasted there? He says he can’t afford my coaching because he is broke, but yet he can spend hundreds of dollars over six months going to the same restaurant over and over and not asking the girls he likes for their phone numbers? I call bullshit.
Here’s another email the same guy sent me several months back:
“Well I found out why I’ve been having such a hard time reading social cues from women and well everybody. I’ve been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome from my doctor. I’ve been reading and found out that people with Aspergers have a very difficult time in social situations. Also though they might have average to above average intelligence it takes them a lot longer to process information. Bill Gates and Albert Einstein are thought to have it. Possibly why Albert Einstein had such a difficult time with mathematics. Also found out it runs in males more frequently. Anyways I’m thinking that developing a relationship might prove to be quite impossible. Personally finding this out I am really overwhelmed.”
That sounds like more bullshit to me. People/social skills are a learned behavior. He’s just too chicken shit to ask, and he constantly looks for excuses and reasons why his life is the way it is instead of doing what he knows he needs to do. Simply ask. He goes into restaurants and interacts with other people (including women) just fine. He orders his food just fine. Instead of finding a way, he looks for a way out along with justification for his continued lack of effort to change his situation.
As I have stated in countless emails, articles and my book… you simply must ask for her phone number. Some will like you, some won’t, some will be cold, some will say they have a boyfriend, some will be nice and happy to talk to you, and some will actually give you their number. It’s a numbers game. If you do not ask women out and ask for numbers, you are not going to get any dates.
Here’s another guy who wrote me recently:
I found much I agreed with in your article “What Women Are Attracted To In Men” especially in regard to being “needy” and “insecure” being a turn off to women and to people in general for that matter. Far from being a strength, it projects weakness.
That said, your example of the jet ski, it’s important that you note that the girl holding on tight was smiling and laughing (correct, its called sensory acuity, not self-centeredness). A friend Mary who’s now divorced, was married to a man who enjoyed driving fast, and it terrified her. She would beg him to slow down and he would be the one laughing and seemed only to encourage him to drive faster (he did not listen to her. Very foolish. Not listening to your lady will lower her interest level in you as this will make her feel like you don’t care about her or her feelings). Far from exciting her, it demeaned her and made her feel worthless (yep, the guy does not understand women. All of his ex-wives and girlfriends probably left for the same reasons).
Another couple Larry and Cindy now also divorced because he did not notice that his go it alone attitude left her feeling more and more marginalized in their relationship especially when important decisions in their life were being made. Far from attraction, it repelled her (he did not know how to effectively communicate and appreciate his wife’s contribution to their relationship).
As a married man with a wife where the “two are one” and children who depend on me, I find I am not free (that is a limiting belief) to “pursue my dreams relentlessly.” As my wife Esther will sometimes say, “You die on me, and I’m going to kill you!” There are a number of responsibilities and considerations a man must consider in following his dreams (very true, but you should not be using that as an excuse to not pursue your dreams. There’s always a way if you are committed to accomplishing your dreams. If your relationship with your wife is one where you both love and support each others dreams unconditionally, she will be your biggest cheerleader. In a balanced and healthy relationship and life, you should be supported and free to pursue your dreams. Pursuing your dreams does not mean you do it at the expense of your relationship and family. The idea is to be balanced in all areas of your life. Together you and your bride create a life plan that enables you both to pursue the dreams and hobbies that are important to you both. Two people come together in relationship NOT to complete each other, but to SHARE THEIR COMPLETENESS). Tom.
We all have areas of our lives we are or should be working on to improve. It is us who makes the decision to either take or not take the action we know we need to take. When we don’t do what we know we should do, we come up with bullshit excuses and reasons why we did not in order to make ourselves feel better. Nothing will change until we DECIDE we are dissatisfied enough with our lives or specific areas of our lives. Once we have DECIDED we are OVER IT we must TAKE ACTION in order to change our circumstances.
I know you have areas of your life you want to improve. We all do. Is it your relationships, health, finances, business, career, etc. that you know you need to improve? Let go of your story and make the change you know you need to RIGHT NOW. Does it serve you to continue to live the way you always have? If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always got.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze.” – Elain Maxwell