Does body count matter in women or is it really a matter of character, integrity and values?
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who is 27 and his girlfriend is 26. He has a body count of 3, including her. She slept with 12 random guys before she met her baby daddy at 18 and had two kids with him. He has been dating her for about 8 months.
He asks if it was just a phase she was going through, or if it means she’s not someone who is worthy of his trust. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
When somebody asks you your body count, especially a woman, you should keep your mouth shut. It’s not a conversation to have, because whatever you tell her when you have a disagreement or a falling out, it’s going to get used against you. And vice versa, if she tells you all of her dirty history, there’s nothing good that’s going to come from that. However, you do want to kind of know her dating history, her relationship history, and how she’s interacted. Did she cheat on those spouses or boyfriends? Or also her family background, what were her parents like? Were her parents lying and cheating on each other? Because really, you’re trying to determine what the character is of the person that you’re with.
Obviously, a big thing in the red pill community, they make a big deal out of body count, as if marrying a virgin is going to assure that you’re going to spend your life in marital bliss with somebody who is loyal and faithful to you. Well, a lot of guys got married to women with low body counts or no body counts, and they got cheated on anyway. So, what really matters is a person’s level of character and integrity and do their words and actions match. And if their words and their actions don’t match, then pretty much everything they say is suspect. And this is so super important.
You’ve got to make sure that they have similar goals, similar values, and that they actually have integrity. In other words, if she tells you something, will she follow through on it, or will she tell you a bunch of flowery BS and not follow through on any of it? For me, personally, I like people to say what they mean and mean what they say. And people that talk a lot of shit… because a lot of people in this world put on a phony facade and will blow a bunch of sunshine up your ass, and they won’t mean a single word of it, because their actions never match the flowery words and language. And too many of us get caught up in all of the promises and “Oh, you’re great. You’re this, you’re that, you’re amazing,” and then, when you look at what the person does, it never matches.
This conversation, even in some of the videos I did back with Gracie and Chunky and this and Jennifer, it just it sends so many dudes into orbit. And usually, the guys that get their feelings in a bunch are dudes with low body count and aren’t very successful with women. And so, it’s a way to belittle women and make themselves feel better about the fact that they can’t get laid, in essence. But the only thing that really matters is, what’s the integrity level? Because, like I said, lots of dudes had the experience of marrying somebody with a low body count, and they got cheated on anyway, multiple times. If you marry a liar, you’re constantly going to be lied to. That’s just who they are.
I’ve been seeing this woman for about eight months now. She’s charming, beautiful, and we have great, intelligent conversations together. I am 27 and she is 26. She is the first relationship I have had since my divorce and has helped me through a very difficult time in my life. We have both reached the “I love you” stage – she said it first, actually. I have strong feelings for her but, especially after a particular conversation we had about her past, I have been focused on what I view as red flags.
As you should be, because the vetting process continues. It really should always continue, because if you’ve been together ten years and they’re lying and cheating to you, what does it really matter? If you ignore the red flags, you’re going to experience pain.
You’re trying to determine, “Is this person good for me? Are they good to me? Are they good for my soul? Can I believe what they say? Will they follow through on what they say?” And if they don’t, you shouldn’t be surprised if you keep them around and they keep dicking you around. Because people typically don’t change who they are. They may become a better version of who they are, but they don’t change who they are.
We were talking about our past sexual history. She is only the third woman I have slept with.
Obviously, he was married for a while.
She was very hesitant to tell me exactly how many men she had slept with, but it finally came out.
So, obviously, you kept digging and digging and digging. And like I said, it’s just never a good conversation to have. Especially if you know who some of these dudes were and you’re like, “You slept with that guy? Oh, man, you dated that guy?”
She met the man she would eventually marry and have two kids with when she was only 18. She admitted to going through a “party phase” before meeting him and having sex with 12 men. Apparently, before she even turned 18, she would go to a local bar and pick up guys. This bothered me a lot, but I tried to not let it show. She could tell it bothered me, so she quickly changed the subject.
Yeah, it’s just never a good subject to have.
My main question is this: does body count matter?
Not really, because, again, just because she’s got a low or no body count doesn’t mean she’s not a liar and a cheater. You have to look at the integrity. You’ve got to look at the family history. What are the people like that she surrounds herself with? What are her friends like? Are her friends ratchets and are constantly lying and cheating on their boyfriends, or the people that they’re dating, or their spouses, for that matter?
You are who you associate with. If you lie down with a dog, you’re going to get fleas. It’s the way it is. If it’s a girl that slept with hundreds of dudes, that’s somebody that just doesn’t value themselves. But you don’t really know what she was going through and what she was thinking. Maybe she was rebelling. Maybe her parents were very controlling, I don’t know. I don’t know what the answer is to that.
The only thing that matters is, what’s she doing now? What’s her character like? What are her friends like? What’s her family like? How has she treated you? Does she say what she means and means what she says, or half the time when she tells you she’s going to do something, does she not follow through?
Does the fact that she was only a teenager doing this reflect on her character?
I don’t know. Maybe she was going through a rough time. Maybe she had broken up with a boyfriend and had her heart broken. I don’t know. Who is she now?
If she was this promiscuous (in my opinion) when she was younger, is it possible she has moved past this?
Or could this simply be a part of her personality, making her someone I shouldn’t trust?
Well, the only way you would know if she’s somebody that you can’t trust is if she does untrustworthy things. Does she lie to you? Does she tell you she’s going to do something and then does the opposite of that? Has she told you one thing, and then a few months later the truth comes out and the actual truth is opposite of what she told you? That’s what really matters.
What’s her character? Somebody who always tells you the truth and is honest and doesn’t feel like they have anything to hide and their actions match their words, obviously, they’re probably trustworthy.
Am I being too old fashioned, or should I jump ship based on this?
I think you should continue. It’s coming up on eight months down the road and you’re in love with this woman. You’re not going to just ditch her over your fears and your suspicions. The only reason that you’d ditch her, is she lying to you? Is she cheating on you? Is she inviting attention from other men all of the time? These are the things that matter. What’s her character? What’s her integrity? How does she operate with you?
At the end of the day, she’s got two kids at this point, and having children makes you grow up. I don’t care who you are, man or woman. When you’ve got other people, little beings depending on you, you’re going to get your shit together more, even if you were a total fuckup before that. Kids can be great, and I know a lot of the guys from the red pill community absolutely hate single mothers. All they do is complain about and cry about and whine about them, and I’m sure some douchebags will be in the comments going, “Oh, she belongs the streets. She’s a single mom, screw her!”
The guys that are saying that are the incels. Those guys ain’t getting laid by anybody, so you just tune them out. We happily block them and mute them, and they can go on down the road and go to some other community and crap all over other human beings to make themselves feel better about themselves. I’m not going to put up with their bullshit here. I don’t fucking need it.
So, like I said, I’d continue to vet. See what happens, see where her integrity level is. How does she operate now? If she’s been a great girlfriend and been amazing and her words and actions have always matched for eight months, then you shouldn’t be giving her shit about it. You should appreciate the fact that she was honest with you. I mean, at the end of the day, all you have to do is look at what people do, not what they say. That’s the only thing that really matters.
And you should be applying what’s in “3% Man,” because it brings out the best in the best right away, and it brings out the worst in the worst right away. And when somebody thinks that you trust them implicitly, they’re going to tell you things that they normally wouldn’t tell you. So, as long as she feels safe and comfortable to really open up and share and bare her soul to you, then that’s the conditions that you want. If she thinks you trust her implicitly, is she talking to any other guys? Is she giving out her number? Is she texting other dudes or old boyfriends? Those are the things that matter. If she’s not doing any of that shit and she hasn’t given you any reason not to trust her, then you should be loyal and faithful to her and give her the benefit of the doubt.
But I’d date her for a couple of years before moving in, or getting married or anything like that, or starting a family with her, because it’s still new. You’re in the honeymoon phase right now, you’re still learning this stuff, and you’re going to have to take at least another six months or a year or more to really make an intelligent, informed decision about this, and that’s the reality. And don’t listen to these douchebags in the red pill community, because they don’t know their asshole from a hole ground anyway.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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