How to tell if your girlfriend is a keeper or if she belongs to the streets.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is in his mid-twenties and is dating a twenty-nine year old woman. When they met, she was married to another guy who she was not happy being with. She made physical advances on him even though her husband was in the same vehicle, and they later hooked up when her husband was not at home.
She eventually left her husband and got a divorce. They have been together for about six months, but he can’t get over how their relationship came out of infidelity. She has been to therapy since, and they have both deleted the toxic people from their lives. However, he is unsure of whether or not she is trustworthy. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
The idea is that people don’t change their belief system until it is proven invalid, where it no longer works for them. A lot of people that bought into that Q nonsense are obviously really getting hit with in the face with reality right now. I have a couple of friends that were in it, and it’s just so funny. They were convinced that they had the inside skinny and they really knew what was going to happen and what’s going on. And I just rolled my eyes, but today being the 20th, it’s pretty interesting.
The point being is that a lot of people believed a certain way and they were convinced that they were right. And most of us know that it was all bullshit anyway. At the end of the day, that’s the only thing for those people that believe in that. When it doesn’t pan out they go, “I’ve been had.” So, it’s the same thing here. Do people change who they are? Maybe, with a big enough emotionally compelling reason.
I’ve got a buddy of mine who was cheating on his girlfriend, who is now his wife, constantly. But everything changed when she got pregnant. So, since then he’s been faithful to her, but I always break his balls and say to him, “Okay, so what happens when the kids are gone and you guys are empty nesters? Are you going to go back to your old ways?” And he just kind of laughs and smiles, because he wants to be a good dad.
In other words, that’s his motivating factor, his kids. He wants to be a good dad and present a good example, not a guy who is basically a man whore cheating on their mother all of the time. He had a good emotionally compelling reason to change his worldview because he had kids. His emotionally compelling reason was he wanted to be a good dad.
I’m a big fan of your work and was hoping you could give me some honest feedback. I’m a male in my mid-20s working in financial services in Chicago. I do very well for myself financially. I’m healthy and in great shape. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 6 months and things have been going great. She’s a 29 y/o who is fit, feminine, cooperative, financially independent, very giving, and has a great relationship with her family including her dad. However, I do have one big concern.
It’s interesting, when I do phone sessions with guys, one of the things I ask them is, “What’s her relationship like with her father?” And a lot of times, it’s “Oh, she’s got a great relationship with her family.” And then when you really get into it, you find out the family is messed up and dysfunctional, and there was lying and cheating. It’s like, dude, that’s not healthy. That’s not a healthy environment.
When I say healthy, it means she loves her mom, loves her dad, her parents have a great relationship, they talk things out, they work things out in a calm, loving manner. And she respects her father. She’s not abusive. She doesn’t walk all over her father and treat him like a doormat, and obviously, he doesn’t allow that.
But I’ve done countless phone sessions over the years with guys that are in these situations, and they’re like, “Oh yeah, she’s got a great relationship with her parents.” And when you ask for more clarification, you find out it’s a totally dysfunctional family and relationship, and it’s not a healthy environment. The point being is, do they come from an environment where they learn integrity and they value integrity? And they either do or they don’t. It’s a pretty simple choice.
I had an old buddy whose best friend from childhood was married to this girl for 6 years, (no kids). I met her while she was still married to this guy and we all hung out as a group occasionally. I was always attracted to her. The relationship with her husband was an abusive one, (verbal, physical infidelity, etc.).
I assume that means he was cheating on her.
Needless to say, he’s a broke, insecure bum and it was clear that she wasn’t happy and regretted marrying him. Fast forward to my buddy’s birthday party and she was giving me looks all night. We were all drunk and I was sitting next to her in the back of our DD’s car after the party. Her husband was in the passenger seat when she reached over and started touching my leg. She worked up to my dick and put her hand down my pants and started playing with it.
Naughty girl. Not nice.
No one saw because it was dark, and her jacket covered that area. I felt guilty for letting it happen and she messaged me the next day apologizing saying that she “hoped it wouldn’t affect our friendship.” I forgave her and she said, “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it.” (I guess she wasn’t that sorry.)
Well, obviously there was alcohol involved, but damn, her husband was in the front seat? She was playing with your flesh rocket while her husband was sitting in the front seat, totally oblivious. You didn’t say who was doing the physical infidelity, if it was the husband who was cheating on her, or she was constantly constantly cheating on him. That was kind of vague, so I don’t really know.
From there on out, she always wanted me around and interacted with me any chance she could. One day, she called me late at night and asked if I wanted to come over on a day where her husband was out of town. I declined and said if she were single, it’d be a different story.
That’s a good answer. That’s the right way to handle it, because you’ve got to hold other people accountable. If you allow or invite a lack of integrity into your life, guess what? The universe sends you more of that, more of those kinds of people, until you transcend or you just continue being a dirtbag.
She insisted and asked several more times, (7-8 in total), and I declined every time. However, the temptation got to me and the next day I told her I would do it… and I did. We had sex at her place, and I felt pretty terrible about it.
Yeah, sure you did.
Not sure what changed my mind but in hindsight, I should have stuck to my word.
The thirst is real, bro. Yep, you should have stuck to your word. You displayed a lack of integrity.
Long story short, she filed a divorce and he’s out of her life completely. There’s been no drama for several months, and I no longer associate myself with that friend group.
My question is, considering how this relationship came to fruition, am I wasting my time or should I continue to see where this relationship goes?
Well, you’re six months down the road. You’re in a relationship with a girl who left her husband for you, and the bottom line is she was grabbing your joystick while in the backseat of the car while her husband was in the front seat. So, if she’s ever unhappy in her relationship with you, she’ll come up with a reason to go, “Well, I’m not happy, he’s a jerk, he’s this, he’s that, ” whatever.
So if we just look at her actions, and we take Gerald Celente’s line from the Trends Research Institute, “Current events form future trends,” given the right set of circumstances, if she’s ever unhappy in the future with you, if you think, “Now, she’s going to be loyal and faithful to me, because I’m such a good dude,” I’d say that’s delusional. And she belongs to the streets! But I don’t expect that you’re just going to break up with her.
The point being is that with women like this, you know how she operates. If she’s happy, she’ll maybe be loyal and faithful, and if she’s not? But we’ve got to read on, because there’s some caveats here.
We’ve met each other’s families and I do love this girl. I believe she is a good person who did a deplorable thing, (I am equally to blame).
Well, I guess you’re both in Hillary Clinton’s “basket of deplorables.”
We both regret what we did and are ashamed. She went to therapy and we both cut out toxic people/habits from our life.
Okay, so the fact that she went to therapy and that you both cut toxic people out of your lives means there’s a chance. What I like about that is she made the effort to recognize, “This was fucked up, what I did. Let me go get some professional therapy and counseling for it.” Now, that doesn’t mean it solves anything, but it does mean that she did more than 99% the liars and cheaters are willing to do. So, she gets a brownie point for that.
But at the end of the day, you always bottom-line her actions. Look at what she does, not what she says. The longer you’re together, the more likely you’re probably going to get lazy and complacent at some point. Hopefully not to the point where the ex was, because obviously it sounds like he was a totally useless human being. But like I said, people don’t change who they are, but they may become a better version.
It depends. Like, my buddy’s got kids, so he won’t cheat on his wife now. But 8-10 years ago, he didn’t give a shit at all. Actually, he really didn’t even want to stay with her, but when he slipped one past the goalie, everything changed. But they do love each other and they have a pretty good relationship. He’s loyal to her now, but it’ll be interesting to see what happens.
We’re both pretty happy right now, and we always have fun together (trips, dates, quality time, etc.). I haven’t fully trusted her for obvious reasons.
And you shouldn’t. You should always look at what she does and not what she says.
But my trust for her has grown over the last few months. She deleted social media and has given me no apparent reason to not trust her since the divorce.
So, there are good signs, but she’s still got a naughty side.
I have lost a lot of sleep over this and I’m not sure what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Well, I’d keep reading “How To Be A 3% Man,” 10-15 times. You also should read “Mastering Yourself,” get familiar with it. You can read both of them for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter. Get to know the information backwards and forwards so you can recognize the signs.
The best thing you can do at this point is continue to be her best option, but notice what she does. If you’re thinking about getting married, I’d wait a few years and see how she is, because you’re still in the infatuation period at this point. She was with this other guy for six years, and somebody that stays with a guy like that for six years tells me her self esteem isn’t that great. But, we have the caveat that she did go to get some therapy. And you guys cut the toxic people out of your life, she’s gotten off social media, she stopped engaging in a lot of the behaviors that can lead to naughtiness.
So, you’ve got to take it day by day. That’s all you can really do, live in the present moment. Because if you just sit and worry about her potentially cheating on you in the future, that’s not going to help you. That’s not helpful, it’s not going to make you happy. Be the best boyfriend you can be, and take it day by day. See what she does.
As far as getting married, if you’re thinking or considering that, make sure you check with a good attorney in your state and find out what the laws are. Maybe you want to consider a civil marriage where you just get married and then have a legal agreement between the two of you on what happens when you decide to not stay together. In other words, don’t involve the government in your relationship.
So that’s an option, especially if you live in one of those states where you just lose everything and all of the laws are slanted in the woman’s favor like Commiefornia is. I wouldn’t get married to a girl in Commiefornia, no way in hell, never. Not gonna happen.
So take it day by day, that’s all you can really do at this point, and see what happens. Give it a few years. You know, maybe she is a changed woman. It’s possible. My point being, whenever I go through these things, the odds are not in her favor. But the fact she went to therapy, acknowledged she had a problem and got help for it, that’s way more than almost 100% of what other people are going to do.
You know, when I read these emails, it’s like, the liars and the cheaters, they think there’s nothing wrong with them. They think everybody’s like that, and therefore, they have no motivation to change. So, maybe she’s one of the few that will actually change and become a good, quality human going forward. But only time will tell.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Can a liar and a cheater become an honest and trustworthy person? While it is possible that people can change their belief system and act accordingly, it is simply not likely that a low integrity person will become a person of high character. People typically don’t change who they are but may become a better version of themselves with an emotionally compelling enough reason to do so. The reality is that if someone does you dirty and you forgive them thinking they will change, you shouldn’t be surprised if they do it again in the future. The only thing that matters is what people do, not what they say.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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