Does She Make Your Life Difficult, Or Peaceful, Easy & Fun?

How to determine if your woman is a good match for you long term or not worth the trouble.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1^st email is from a 33 year old viewer dating a 26 year old alpha female for 2 years who is successful, but often has too much boss girl energy to the point that she is controlling and obnoxious. The 2^nd email is from a viewer who has broken up twice with his now ex-girlfriend because she is difficult, disrespectful & moody. He gave her another chance, but she quickly reverted back to the same behavior so he dumped her again. She still wants to work it out, but he wonders if he should give her another chance. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, Does She Make Your Life Difficult, Or Peaceful, Easy & Fun?”

It just, popped in my mind, “Peaceful Easy Feeling”, The Eagles song that seems to go perfectly with the title of this video. So this particular email, I got two different emails in this video I’m going to go through with you today. And the first email, the guy is 33. He’s dating a 26 year old alpha female for two years who is successful but often has too much boss girl energy to the point that she’s controlling and obnoxious. I’m sorry, she’s 36 years old, not 26. My bad.

So he’s the younger man, she’s the older woman. So she can be a little bit of a pain in the ass, a little too much boss girl energy, kind of controlling and obnoxious, and he’s unsure. The second email is from a viewer, he’s broken up twice with his now ex-girlfriend because she’s gotten difficult, disrespectful, and she’s pretty moody. And so he gave her another chance after dumping her. But after a few weeks, she kind of reverted right back to the same behavior and then basically blamed him. So now he’s broken it off and they’ve been, I guess, apart for about a month, and he hears through the grapevine she still really wants to work it out.

And now he’s thinking, well, maybe I should give it another chance. So the question really is you always got to focus on is she easy going? Is she easy to get along with? Does she bring peace into your life? Does she bring joy into your life? Does she bring fun into your life? Or is she disturbing your peace? Is she difficult? Is she difficult to be with? Is she kind of a pain in the ass? Because dating a girl who’s got too much boss girl energy. It’s kind of like being in a relationship with another dude.

You’re always kind of jockeying for position and control, and that’s definitely what the first guy is kind of struggling with, because he’s kind of getting sick of it. And then plus there’s other things. She’s just not real supportive about the things he wants to do. And first and foremost, if a woman doesn’t support your purpose and mission and the things you want in life, if she’s not trying to help you accomplish them, if she thinks your ideas are stupid or the things that you want to do are stupid, or the things you love doing for fun are wrong and you shouldn’t do them, or you should do something else, she’s not really the right girl for you.

The right woman is going to be your biggest cheerleader and fan. You don’t want to be with a woman who your goals and values don’t line up with, and she’s constantly trying to sandbag your success because that’s going to keep you from reaching your full potential. So let’s go through the first email.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey,

First and foremost. Thank you for your book. I truly was one of those dudes that turned into a stud like in your YouTube video, “From Dud To Stud In Four Days!” thanks to your work. Buying a print copy of 3% Man and reading it along with my free audible audiobook of it was one of the best investments I’ve made in myself. Here’s my dilemma. I am a 33 year old guy dating a 36 year old woman and I feel that she’s trying to control my life so it fits her perfect life she wants or has in her mind. The first red flag I should’ve saw was when we were first dating. She mentioned she knew of your work (and every dating coach) and swore I was using your techniques on her.

Well, pretty much all those dudes have ripped off my work and plagiarized it and give me no credit. They act like they just pulled it out of their ass and learned it.

She said she likes to stay ahead of the game and made the whole situation sound like a challenge of the sexes vs someone who was thankful that the gift of a man working on himself to be a suitable partner came into her life. Well. She ended up still asking me to be her boyfriend.

I’m really shocked.

We’ve now been together for almost two years. I have yet to propose because I get the sense she wants my life to fit hers, and I am being controlled. 

She’s just too much in her masculine. Obviously.

She is an alpha female with a good job with work from home benefits. While I work two jobs one in sales and waiting tables (fine dining $300-$400 a night two weekdays each week) part time.

That’s good part time money. The other thing is, if you’re going to wait tables, it’s much better to work at a restaurant where the dinner checks are much more expensive versus, you know, where the average dinner check is $15, $20. Because it’s really the same amount of work, and you get tipped based upon the size of the check. So it makes sense to go work at a high end restaurant. Work smarter, not harder.

She constantly berates me that I don’t have a growth mindset and that I work too hard even though I talk to her on the phone an hour a day (or she’ll get upset) and take her on constant new and fun dates.

Well, that sounds kind of exhausting. Having to spend an hour a day. It’s like, why would you spend an hour a day on the phone with your girlfriend? I would never do that. It’s like I would spend that time in person. It’s like, if you’re calling texting me, it’s like, “Hey, are you coming over? What are you doing? You come up. Just come over. Come by.” It’s like, “I’m not going to sit on the phone for an hour.” It’s like, no thank you.

And if you’ve been together with somebody for two years, I mean, talking on the phone for an hour. I don’t know, maybe, I don’t know, 30, 40 minutes away from each other. That’s just absurd. The amount of time that you spend talking on the phone, she should just get in the car and come and see you. So. [I just lost my place here. Erica was working on the file and just saved it, and it just went boop. So now I’m trying to find my place again. Thanks, Erica.]

She constantly berates me that I don’t have a growth mindset and that I work too hard even though I talk to her on the phone an hour a day (or she’ll get upset) and take her on constant new and fun dates. She has mentioned that she saw her dad die (blue collar) working his life away and resents him for that. I just bought a $500k+ house and explain how I work to pay bills and build a better future, but she hates it.

Yeah, that’s not a good sign. It’s not a good sign for her to be ripping into you like that. She should be supportive of it. She’s not there to be your mommy or your drill sergeant, or to berate you or belittle you. She should be challenging you to do better, but not telling you that the way you’re living life or going about it is all wrong. No man wants to hear that. It’s too much boss girl. It’s just like another dude telling you what to do. Any guy is going to resent that shit.

Despite me dropping work for her whenever she has an emergency it is never good enough.

Well, remember, women want your attention all the fucking time. It’s in The Book bro. It’s just the way she goes about trying to get your attention. It’s like nails in the chalkboard. So maybe you should have a conversation with her about that. It’s like you got to be nice to me. Easygoing, easy to get along with. Be nice to me. Not a pain in the ass. Not a demanding pain in the ass. It’s like if you don’t have something good or positive to say about how I’m living my life and how I’m accomplishing my grandiose goals and dreams, it’s like, keep it to yourself.

I don’t want to hear it. I don’t need you trying to sandbag me or make me question or doubt myself. And if you can’t support me in what I’m doing, if you’re not proud of me being your man and how I live my life, well, you’re welcome to go find somebody else who you can control and dominate and walk all over. But this boss girl energy shit, you need to cut it out because it’s a real turnoff. It just makes me not want to be around you and not want to put up with this crap.

Easygoing, easy to get along with. And she’s not being easygoing and she’s not being nice to you. It’s not nice for her to berate you about how you live your life, because from my perspective, I mean, you got a nice house. I mean, you’re working at a high end restaurant, working smarter, not harder. That’s a that’s a great part time gig, Man. I mean, two nights a week to make that kind of money.

I help her with her side business and love to watch her grow. Yet she has mentioned that if we broke up she would hate it because she has seen me grow in my own life and feels that she did the work someone else will benefit from.

So she also feels like she’s your mommy and somehow should get credit for your life. Can you imagine being married to a woman like this and say you split up? She’s going to feel entitled to not only half of everything you own, probably most of what you own. Can you imagine going through a divorce with a woman like this? She’ll drag it out for as long as possible. You got to think about that.

When I ask her for help, she sometimes will respond with “figure it out”.

So she wants to boss you around? But then when you ask for help, she’s like, “figure it out.” So she’s definitely, you know, in inner masculine energy a lot. Dating a woman like that is very difficult. It’s not for me. Some guys like that. Some guys like my dad, he loves being told what to do. I don’t do well with that at all.

When she says she wants to pick up a hobby I am supportive. When I told her I wanted to do martial arts her response was that only weird people do that.

It’s like, yeah. These are major red flags here. A man being more dangerous and kind. I mean, if you’re going to have kids together, you want to. If you have daughters you want to be able to teach them how to defend themselves. That’s just not stupid. Maybe this girl is a lefty. Maybe she’s got the feminist mind virus. Maybe she caught the wokemind virus.

Anything that takes more time out of my day that doesn’t go to our relationship she objects and she has said that everything I do she thinks “well why doesn’t he invest more time in us”.

Again, remember, women want your attention all the fucking time when they love you.

I do think she’s a good person but here’s the kicker. We only dated for a month before getting serious. I should’ve done more vetting but I’ve been in my emotions for the past two years and am now just seeing reality for what it is. 

Yeah. So you trained her to be this way. You trained her to teach you this way.

I feel that I can’t spend the rest of my life like this and that I’m giving up part of myself to be with her. What do I do Coach? 

Grow a set of balls. Maybe jump up and down if you have to, until they finally drop and set and enforce healthy boundaries. You need to tell her I love you, but I’m not happy. I’m over this boss girl energy. I am over the fact that you’re often not supportive of me. And when I do ask you for help, you tell me to figure it out. It’s like you want to control my life and boss me around and tell me what to do. But then when I would like for you to be a part of that and to help me. You’re giving me a hard time.

Are you telling me the things I want to do are stupid. You’re not supportive. You should be excited. You go to a relationship to help each other grow and to become more to meet each other’s needs. To help each other meet their own needs. And I tell you the things that I want to do that I’m excited about. And you’re like, oh, that’s a dumb idea.

It’s like, if you can’t get behind the things I want to do and the man I want to become, then you’re just not the right woman for me. And so you need to consider, if you want to stay with me, that some things are going to need to change, and your attitude towards me is going to need to change. I want a supportive, loving girlfriend that’s easygoing, easy to get along with, not a boss girl, pain in the ass. It’s trying to run my life. And no matter what I do, you’re not happy about it. So, she might not be able to change.

She might just be okay for like, the next guy be okay for a few weeks and then she’ll just revert back to it, because again, she’s an adult now. She’s 36 thinking that you’re going to change a 36 year old boss girl woman into being more easygoing, easy to get along with. Maybe if she gave up her career and her job to be a stay at home mom, she’d be more chilled out. But even then, she’d probably be trying to boss you around. She doesn’t respect her father it sounds like. She didn’t approve of the way he lived his life.

And she looks at you and in essence, is comparing you to her father. If she doesn’t respect her father, she typically doesn’t respect her man. And it clearly doesn’t sound like she respects you. And as you said, you were all up in your emotions. So you’ve kind of created a monster here. And so whether you can work with that or not is all going to depend upon whether you’re going to be able to successfully set healthy boundaries and enforce them. Will she respect the boundaries, or she be good for a few weeks and then just go back to berating you and wearing you down.

Again, if she didn’t respect her father, it’s highly unlikely she’s not going to respect you. So I would say the likelihood that she’s going to be able to modify her behavior, I wouldn’t be optimistic about it. But you’ve been together two years. See what you can do. Tell her these are the things that you need to change. And this is the behavior you want to see from her. And this is the behavior that she needs to cut out. If she wants to remain your girlfriend and wants to have a future with you.

Because if these things don’t change, it’s just not going to work long term. You’re eventually just going to get sick of it. You’re going to get fed up. You’re going to have the attitude of, no matter what I do, she’s not happy, so I might as well let her go and be miserable with somebody else. And I’ll find a girl who’s easygoing, easy to get along with and who supports me.

So let’s go through the second guy’s email.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I have read your book at least ten times and it has had a huge influence on my dating life. My ex and I dated for nearly a year before I broke things off for good recently. Things were great for most of our relationship, including the two months we lived together. She’s very smart, loyal, and caring. However, she lacks self confidence, trust, and motivation to maintain her nice figure.

Well, that tells me that she lacks discipline. And if you’ve been dating for a year and she’s letting herself go, and especially look at her parents, look at her mom, especially if her mom’s let herself go, well, ten, 15, 20 years, that’s what she’s going to look like, maybe even sooner, especially if you have a few kids. So if you’re fit and in shape, you need to be dating a woman who’s also fit and in shape, not a chick that just lets herself go. If she’s young and letting herself go, she’s just going to be ginormous when you get older, especially after a few kids.

She’ll gain a bunch of baby weight and then just won’t lose it. And then you’ll be stuck with a woman that doesn’t make your dick hard anymore, because she doesn’t care to take care of herself and be beautiful and feel beautiful. You come together with somebody to share your completeness, not to complete each other. And so if you were to consider getting back together with her, that’s something that’s going to have to change. And because the other thing is, is that you can’t really motivate somebody.

That’s the one thing I learned a long time ago is you can help, you can coach, and you can encourage people who are self-motivated and self-starters. Like I saw this being in sales in real estate. There are people that I could hire. They look great on paper, but they weren’t motivated enough to do the things that were necessary. Like initially when I would hire sales agents, people would send their resumes and we would call them. But over the years, we found out that people that we had to call back, people that versus people that were calling us, that were showing up at the office, that were coming by with their resume.

They were asking to speak to me or my partners or the VP or some of the other people in the company, because they really wanted to work there. When those people came to work for us and we gave them a job, they just made things happen. We would tell them what to do, show them what to do, and then they would just handle it. Whereas at other people we had to call them up and make appointments. It’s like kind of pushing the wet noodle. Those people never worked out. You’d give them ten great leads and they would be lucky if they converted one.

Whereas the guy that wouldn’t take no for an answer, they would keep coming by the office if you weren’t hiring somebody. He’s like, “Well, when can I come back and check back in with you?” Like, “Check back in a month.” They check back in a month and you give that person an opportunity. You give them ten good leads and they would convert half of them. And so again, it’s what I learned. And I’ve just seen it over and over. And my coaching practice. You can’t teach ambition and you can’t teach motivation.

Somebody is either ambitious and self-motivated or they’re not. Most people major in minor things. And if you’re dating a woman who’s young and beautiful, but she’s already starting to let herself go. And when you look at her family, they’ve kind of all let themselves go. That’s your future. You want somebody that shows up and is already disciplined, not somebody that you got to push the wet noodle on.

She blamed all of those issues on her ex prior to me.

Yeah. So if she blames her ex for the fact that she’s letting herself go and be out of shape, or the fact that she lacks confidence, trust and motivation, which that basically is become, it’s her story. So her story is, is that it’s not her fault. She doesn’t have self-confidence, trust, and motivation to maintain her body. It’s her ex’s fault. So if it’s her ex’s fault, then there’s nothing she can do to shape and change her destiny. She’s just along for the ride.

In other words, she’s telling you she’s unmotivated and she’s undisciplined and it’s not her fault. Well, as Maya Angelou said, “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” So she doesn’t want responsibility for taking care of herself. It’s just much easier to say, “Oh, it’s my ex’s fault.” And then just continue to let herself go. And if her mother is obese, like, well, that’s just what she learned from her family. The story and the excuse is the ex, but in reality it’s her. She’s the one that controls what she puts in her mouth, no pun intended. Obviously.

She blamed all of those issues on her ex prior to me, who she was engaged to for several years. She claims he was a beta male and cheated on her. She also attributes some of it to her parents, who have had a tenuous marriage. She has a very strong personality and can be pretty moody at times, which became an issue when I made attempts to address her behavior. 

Yeah, and she doesn’t take coaching well. She doesn’t take constructive criticism and feedback very well, especially when she’s crossing your boundaries. Again, you can’t teach motivation. You shouldn’t care more for other people than they care for themselves. You just got to take them as they are. She’s got to want to take care of herself. She’s got to want to look hot for herself and for you. And with her just saying, “Well, I’m overweight and out of shape, and I’m not motivated because it’s all my ex-boyfriend’s fault.”

So she’s kind of stuck in the past, and she blames it on him and blames it on her parents because then it’s not her problem. That’s how most people on the left tend to be. “Oh, it’s not my fault. It’s the government’s fault. It’s the rich, the evil rich people. That’s why I’m a broke loser. It’s other people’s fault that I can’t get laid. It’s other people’s fault that I can’t get a job.”

“It’s other people’s fault that I can’t save any money. It has nothing to do with the fact that my expenses always exceed my revenue.” But hey, it’s not my fault. It’s not your fault. Then you have absolved yourself from any responsibility to fix it. And if it’s not your responsibility to fix your life, well, then you’re just along for the ride.

After our initial breakup, she came to me and pledged she’d improve her behavior, so I agreed to give her another chance. However, her behavior got worse over the next three weeks, and I broke things off again. She blamed it on built up resentment towards me for the initial breakup.

Yep. It’s not her fault that she didn’t change this. Now your fault. It’s no longer the ex’s or the family’s. It’s your fault because you dumped her the first time around. No self-awareness, no accountability. This is what she learned from her family. I don’t see this woman as being fixable. You got to participate in your own rescue. You could even tell her that. And she clearly doesn’t seem like she wants to.

Because it’s your fault. It’s not her fault. It’s your fault. That’s why Socialism and Marxism and Leninism and Collectivism appeals to the masses of people. Because, “Hey! It’s not my fault. I’m a loser. If we just adopt this system, then I can just do art all day and fuck around or read books. I don’t even have to work. I’ll just work when I need money.” It’s totally delusional and it never works. It never has worked and never will work. People have to participate in their own rescue. The government is not there to be your mommy.

The tough part in all of this is that I viewed her as the potential mother of my kids someday because of her good qualities. She never did anything malicious during our time together either.

Well, being abusive towards you is not okay.

We have gone no contact for about a month now but I’ve been told by mutual friends she still wants to work things out. Should I give it one more try or let her go for good? 

Thanks,

Bob

Well, again, she told you who she was. You gave her a second chance and her behavior was worse. And then when you broke it off, she said it wasn’t her fault, it was your fault for her behavior getting worse because you dumped her the first time. You got to participate in your own rescue, and she’s just simply unwilling to do that. And that’s on her. It’s not your job to fix somebody or to save somebody if they won’t help themselves, there’s really nothing you can do. Again, you can’t teach motivation. You can’t teach ambition. You either have it or you don’t.

You’re either self-motivated and a self-starter or you’re not. You clearly are. But your ex-girlfriend isn’t. You gave her two chances, and instead of her getting better, she actually got worse. So that’s who she is. I personally wouldn’t give her any other chances because she hasn’t done anything to warrant it. I mean, her behavior got worse because you took her back. The only thing that could potentially change her behavior is you just not wanting to get back together with her and moving on and finding somebody who is self-motivated, who naturally takes care of herself, who already is in shape.

She doesn’t need you kicking her in the ass to go to the gym. She’s already doing those things. She’s already eating healthy, and typically her parents are fit and healthy and focused on that. So you attract how you act. You are who you associate with. If you’re fit and in shape and your girl is lazy and she comes from a lazy family, well, that’s who she is. That’s on her family that fucked her up, not on you. So you got to see people as they are not better than they are or worse than they are, but as they are. You can’t fall in love with the fantasy of who you want somebody to be.

You got to just see the reality as they are and meet them where they are. And again, you already gave her a second chance and she got worse. Nothing improved. So she said one thing and she did another. You can’t work with that.  You gave her a chance. It’s great that she says she wants to work things out, but from her actions, she wasn’t willing to work them out. On top of that, she got worse.

So if I were you, focus on your outcome and what you want and the kind of relationship you want. And don’t settle until you find a woman who matches what you want, whose goals and values are aligned with your own. Because again, it’s not your job to fix her or to save somebody.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.