How to determine if your relationship has any future if you catch your girlfriend inviting attention from other men.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for 3 years and read my book 3% Man, 17 times. We also did a phone session a few months ago. His relationship with his girlfriend and her son over the last few months has been better than ever. However, he has the password to her phone and discovered that she sent a selfie of herself in a bikini to two different men. One liked it and the other said it was sexy and asked her to FaceTime.
Her boyfriend obviously checked her on this behavior, but she’s either totally naive or gaslighting him when she is surprised to learn that this is inappropriate behavior for a woman who is supposedly in a committed exclusive relationship. Men value loyalty above all else in relationships. I discuss how to determine if a woman like her is capable of loyal behavior, or if she belongs to the streets. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He’s got an issue going on where his girlfriend gave him the password to her phone so he can look at it whenever, and well, he just happened to go in it and there is her sending a selfie of herself in a bikini to two different dudes. Obviously, he wasn’t happy to see this. And so, he had a conversation with her and she is either incredibly naive or she’s gaslighting them.
What’s interesting is I had a client I was talking to last night. This was the third phone session that I had done over the past year with this particular guy, and he was having similar behavior from his girlfriend. Even though they’re in a year long relationship and things the last several months have been better than ever, the one thing he’s constantly catching her in is that there’s always another dude. It’s either an ex, or she’s out with her child somewhere, and then she runs into another guy who’s the father of a child, and their kids start talking. And then, she’s exchanging phone numbers with this guy.
Or it may be a neighbor comes by who supposedly lives with his girlfriend or his wife. Phone numbers get exchanged, the guy’s wife doesn’t know that he’s talking to this this dude’s girlfriend. And so, the same thing that we talk about in every phone session, he sets the healthy boundary, and then she goes and violates it, because there’s always another male orbiter that seems to come out of the woodwork. So, it’s obvious from her behavior that she’s continually inviting this particular attention and doing things that communicate that she doesn’t respect the sanctity of the relationship.
The number one most important thing to men in a relationship is loyalty. You want to know that the girl you’re with, if you’re exclusive with her, that she’s got your back and she’s going to be loyal and faithful. She’s not going to be sending partially naked selfies of herself after you’ve been in a relationship for a couple of years to other guys that she just randomly met, and the guys are drooling over the selfies. It’s inappropriate behavior.
And so, initially, with this particular client in the beginning of the year, when we talked about what his girlfriend was doing, it was the same behavior, giving out selfies, giving out her number, inviting attention from other men – basically giving these guys the idea that she’s potentially available. So, they stay engaged, they keep pursuing her, they keep reaching out, and obviously she likes this. And so, her boyfriend confronts her about it after we have our phone session, she promises to stop. She’s like, “Oh, I was shocked that his would be seen as inappropriate.”
I had this conversation also with Jade about a month and a half ago, one of the girls I do the podcast with. And I know her boyfriend. We hang out, we double date at times, and we we know each other. And so, I’ve known her for many years. And a few months ago, she was out with a couple of guys that she used to work with, and one of these particular guys has always been interested in her and she always knows this, but she’s like, “Oh, nothing’s going to happen.” And her boyfriend wasn’t happy about her hanging out with a single guy that’s open to get with her. That’s just inappropriate.
Because a woman, a lady who’s loyal, is not going to do those kinds of things. She’s not going to do anything that could potentially insinuate that anything inappropriate is going on. And then the other flip side is us guys, we know how other men are. If you’re in a relationship and your girl is hanging out with other single men, they’re going to probably try to make a move on her and seduce her at some point. And then what do women typically say when those things do happen? “Oh, it just kind of happened.” And so, that’s why it’s inappropriate.
And what I explained to her was, you can’t be doing that. If you’re going to hang out with dudes that you’re friends with, but who are stuck in friend zone, then your boyfriend should be there, or some other girlfriends should be there, just because that’s not going to typically stop the average guy from still trying to get with you, even though he knows you’re in a relationship. And plus, on top of that, you want your boyfriend to know that you’re loyal to him. And that’s the appropriate thing to do. If you’re going to be exclusive and monogamous and want a guy to be committed to you, these are just the bare minimum level of interactions.
And so, back to my client I was doing a phone session with last night. He’d set the boundary, give it a few weeks, and then every single time there would be one or two other dudes, either new guys she met or guys from the past coming out of the woodwork. And each time she’s just kind of trying to make him feel like, “Oh, you’re being unreasonable.” And so, it’s just not clicking. So he sets the healthy boundary, she violates it. He resets it again, because each situation is slightly different. And we had another phone session last night, the third one in the past year, and same thing, she’s continually violating the boundaries.
So, obviously it’s very upsetting to my client. He doesn’t like this, because he wants loyalty, and she’s still behaving like she’s single. And then she just kind of acts like, “Oh, well, this is kind of unreasonable that you’d be upset.” And he’s like, “Well, we just talked about this a few months ago. You said you wouldn’t do it again, and here you are doing it again with another guy.” And she’s like, “Oh, yeah, but this is different.” So, it’s clear that there is a value system conflict there.
And so, for this particular guy, he had dumped his girlfriend about a month or so ago and wanted confirmation that he did the right thing. It’s like, the behavior didn’t change. And he was upset about it several months ago when I talked to him the last time. Things got better between the two of them, at least he thought, and then once again, there are other dudes coming out of the woodwork.
And at some point, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. And so, if you set a healthy boundary and they violate it, and they violate it again and again, well, if you keep putting up with it, you’re actually enabling their behavior. You’re teaching them there’s no consequences. And the only thing that’s going to change a woman’s behavior like this is her continually getting dumped by guys when that happens. Most guys make excuses for it, because their thirst is so bad and they keep putting up with it.
Even my client I was talking to last night, he wanted it to be other than it was. He’s been with her a couple of years. You know, he’s tired of putting in the effort and it not getting reciprocated the way he wants. But when you’ve got a lot of years invested in it, you know, it’s easy for us listening to it, reading an email, or talking about it, because we’re not in the situation, to just say, “Oh yeah, dump her.” But you want to set the healthy boundary, and then you’ve got to see if she respects it. Because if she loves you and she respects you, she’ll keep the boundaries. She’ll submit and not do anything to further display this behavior.
But when a woman continues to display it, despite what she says, because she says the right things, but her actions are the opposite. So, her actions show that she’s not going to comply and has no intention of complying. Because every time he confronts her about it, she acts like he’s being unreasonable, even though they’ve talked about it continuously. So, you’ve got to set the healthy boundary, but you have to enforce it. And enforcing it may mean that you’ve got to break it off, even if you’ve got lots of time involved.
If loyalty is important to you, which it is to most men, and your girl is doing things that make her look like she’s disloyal, you’re either going to put up with it and it’s going to continue to happen, or you’re you’re going to leave her and find somebody that will respect the healthy boundary. So with that in mind, we’ve got this this guy here that this thing has happened, and obviously he’s not happy about it. So, it’s a similar situation, where a woman’s integrity and her ability to be loyal is now called into question.
This is part of the vetting process. If you’re looking for marriage, if you’re looking for exclusivity, if you’re looking for somebody to have kids with, or whatever, you want to know that the kids are yours, and that she’s going to be loyal, and she’s not going to continually exhibit this kind of behavior. So, this particular guy is now where the other client was earlier in the year, the first time these things happened when they were dating.
I have been following you for 3 years. I have read your book 17 times and had a coaching call with you a couple months ago. At the time, you said it sounds like a made a few small mistakes, but that overall, I was handling it right. So, I have been dating this beautiful woman. She’s a 10, and I can tell because guys’ heads turn when we walk in everywhere. I’m a good-looking guy that works out, and I’m a real estate Investor.
Anyway, into the immediate problem. I’m bonding with her son and her, helping her with her son’s failing relationship, and it’s going better.
So, he’s being a great guy. He’s being a great leader. He’s bringing masculinity to the relationship. Her son’s responding positively, she’s responding positively, or at least she appears to be.
We meet up a lot now that we have been dating for almost a year now. She has her mom, sister, and brother coming down for Christmas, and she plans on doing family things all together, so I know she is showing he signs of attraction.
And regarding that, the other client that I was talking about, there are other things that the girlfriend’s continually doing, which is communicating he’s not really that much of a priority to her. And things like this, she leaves him out of things that are really intimate and close. And so, you’ve got to pay attention to what a woman does, not what she says.
She always calls me in the morning. We have lots and lots of sex. We are decorating for Christmas with her son, which is not normal. He is usually in his room on his games. So, he is putting in the effort, I am, and she is. Everything was great that night. So, the next morning, I couldn’t find my phone. She had given me her password before, and I know what you’re thinking at this point and where this is going.
So, he couldn’t find his phone. Maybe he’s going to call it or whatever. He knows how to get into it.
Yes, typically I’m not going through phones or care to.
Yeah, you want to trust that your girl is loyal, but you’re in there, your intuition is going, “Well, let’s just look through her text messages.”
This time I did. I saw some texts. I scroll down and see some guys. So, she sent selfies to two guys. One right when we were on vacation the week before!
It’s like, things are going better together. You’re on vacation, and she’s on her phone. Maybe you notice it, maybe you don’t, maybe you’re in the bathroom. She’s sending a selfie to another dude.
One of them responded, just liking the photo. It was a photo when we were on the beach and she had her bikini top on. It didn’t have her boobs all in it. It was the top part, but you could tell she had a bikini top. She sent another to another guy, and he said “sexy.” Then he said, “Let’s FaceTime.” She responded she’s working.
So, that kind of response, it sounds like she’s used to interacting with this guy. And so, if she sent him a selfie in her bikini when she’s on vacation with her boyfriend, she’s inviting romantic attention from that other guy. That is totally disloyal behavior, and no guy is going to be cool with that. That’s just not appropriate.
So, I immediately brought this up to her when she walked out of the room that morning. She was thrown off, of course. A little back history also is she is from California and has lived there forever, except the last 2 years she has lived in Texas. No, she did not move here for me. We just happened to meet when she was here. So, I had the conversation of what is going on. I said, “If you want to do that though, we can’t date.”
Because, again, she’s inviting romantic attention from two other men, sending selfies of her in a bikini. It’s like, come on.
I also stated that in any serious relationship she’s in, whether it’s with me or anyone she’s with, this is unacceptable. She didn’t see the issue at first, Lmao. Anyway, I said “this is common sense.” Sorry, more history. Her longest relationship has been 3 years, so she probably thinks this is just normal. I told her, if she is married and the man or woman sends selfies to anyone and they respond, ‘Sexy, let’s FaceTime,’ is that okay? She said, “no.”
So, she knows better, but she’s doing it anyway. Maybe she sloppy. This is what happens when a woman’s comfortable. When she’s happy, and she’s comfortable, and she feels like you trust her, that’s when she does things like this. And you just happen to go on her phone and you’re like, “Oop! Look at that. Looky there.” It shows that she’s not trustworthy.
So, as a defense mechanism, she brings up this one chick who messaged me 3 times on Instagram and I never responded to. Anyway, she believes in her head that I was talking to her. I was not.
So, she’s questioning his loyalty. Why would she question his loyalty? Because she’s behaving disloyal, and she’s gotten busted on it. So, now she’s trying to deflect and say, “Oh, you did the same thing.” One way messages with a girl sliding into your DMs is not you flirting with another woman, but she’s trying to twist it to absolve herself from any blame. And this is why you have to hold women accountable when they bring these things up. And you’ve got to make it crystal clear why the behavior is inappropriate.
Just like the conversation I had with Jade. And since then, Jade has respected it, and now she understands it. But she never really thought of things that way or how it would look, because in her mind, she’s never going to do anything inappropriate. But her boyfriend knows, and I know, and you guys know that guys are guys. If the guy has his eye on a prize and she is spending time with him, he’s going to, on some level, think that he’s got a shot.
Women who respect their boyfriends and their relationship and themselves are just going to not put themselves in a situation where something inappropriate could happen. Because she could be in the restaurant with just him. And it just so happens, this all came about where she was hanging out with this guy, and one of his friends happened to see her and he’s like, “Hey, your girlfriends hanging out at a restaurant with these dudes.” Just her and a couple of guys, or one guy, I can’t remember what it was. And so, he hears this and he’s like, “It doesn’t look good.”
Not not only does it look bad for your girl, but it looks bad for you, because now your friend is noticing that your girlfriend is hanging out with a guy one on one, or her and two dudes that are not the boyfriend. It just looks bad. And then, like I say, at least with Jade, she’s like, “Yeah, it makes sense.” She went and apologized to her boyfriend, and she hasn’t done it since, because now she understands. That’s what a good woman is going to do. A ratchet is going to go, “Oh.”
And then, my client that I had last night, it’s like she just continued doing it. And then each time he caught her and called her out on it, she was just like, “This is such an inconvenience, and I just can’t believe you’re getting upset about this.” In other words, she just wanted to continue doing the same thing. And on top of that, she disrespects him to other people and just kind of communicates that he’s really not a priority to her. That’s why he dumped her, and rightly so. These hoes loyal.
When I’m in a committed relationship, I am only with that woman. She said she wouldn’t do this anymore if I didn’t like it. I said okay, but that is not enough. She needs to not do it because she thinks this is not something to do in a relationship. She responded with, “common sense, isn’t always that common.” Basically, she did not know this is not normal, though she would change. Does this relationship have any future?
Well, like I said, a good woman, just like I was talking about with Jade, is going to go, “Oh, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings like that.” I mean, obviously not everybody works with somebody like me, but I made it crystal clear to her, because I know her boyfriend as well. It’s like, “You can’t do this. This is not cool. You need to not ever do that again, and you need to convince your boyfriend that you understand, and you’ll never put yourself in a position like that again if you want him to see you as, potentially, the future mother of his children.”
And so, in this case, we will give her the benefit of the doubt because you’ve got a whole year in. Because, at the end of the day, just like my client last night, she’s going to slip up again. If she doesn’t care, if she doesn’t respect you, if she doesn’t have the values of loyalty, she’ll do it again, and you will catch her again. And if you tolerate it, then she’s gotten away with it twice. So, why would she assume she couldn’t get away with it a third time? That’s why it’s so important. Because so many guys put up with this crappy behavior, then the girl can easily find somebody else. And then that guy will put up the same disloyal behavior, because they’re so thirsty. And so, what it takes is men in their masculine, not tolerating disloyal behavior.
I remember a few months ago, there was a post on Twitter that I saw. There was this woman that was really upset. She’d been with her boyfriend of several years, an they’d been talking about getting married. And she was hanging out one time and she said, “What do you think about an open relationship, you know, exploring that and hooking up with other people?” And he just got up from her house, walked out, blocked her on all social media and dumped her. He walked away, and he never looked back. She was crying and upset and really sad, and the dude didn’t come back.
That’s the kind of thing that will cause her to change. Because if a woman wants to keep a good, loyal dude around, and then she gets dumped like that, by being disloyal, just for bringing it up, you’ve got to respect the guy for that. He’s like, “I don’t think so.” Because if you’re in a long term relationship and you’re talking about marriage, and all of a sudden you ask about exploring an open relationship, I mean, that’s communicating you’re not really that important to her, and she’s not really that down for being loyal to you.
So, that guy, he wants a wife. He wants someone to be exclusive with, have children with. It’s like, the conversation’s over at that point for for that dude. For him, that was the most disloyal thing, because, in other words, she’s communicating, “You’re not really a priority.” Despite the fact she wasn’t talking about marriage, by the same token, she’s like, “How about sleeping with other people?” And he’s like, “That’s not what I signed up for,” and he dipped.
And good on him for doing that, because he had standards. He’s holding himself accountable and holding her accountable. And when that happens enough, then those things won’t happen as much, because men just won’t put up with or tolerate women that behave this way, and the reputation will get around town. People will know that she belongs to the streets.
And so, the client I talked to last night, we know his girl belongs to the streets because it’s over a dozen times this has happened, it’s the same issue. And every time, she’s just acts surprised and can’t believe that he’s upset at her, but she continually behaves like she’s single. And that’s what he told her, “You act like you’re single still.” So, just like this guy said to his girlfriend, it’s like, “If you’re going to behave this way, we can’t date. I’m looking for this.”
He wants loyalty, so he’s telling her. He set the boundary, and now we just have to wait to see if she keeps it. If she loves him, and she respects him and what they have, she will keep the boundary, she will respect it, and she’ll never do anything like this ever again. But if she does it again, then the only thing you can do is dip. Because if you stick around, you’re enabling your behavior, you’re teaching her it’s okay to do it.
And that’s what most guys are doing, because there are so many weak guys in society that have been feminized, and they’re girly, and they put up with this kind of ratchet behavior from women. And so, the women get validated, and that’s why they continue doing it, because nobody holds them accountable. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge, maybe you’re in a similar situation like this, because when you love the person, and you’re in a relationship and something like this happens, because your emotions are involved, and we make our decisions based on our emotions, you’re going to probably try to find a reason to keep excusing this behavior, just like my client. And I just said, “Dude, this is the third phone session we’ve had. It’s the same issue. The whole past year, we’ve been discussing this and having the same issue. It’s not getting better.”
And the fact that he had dumped her is a credit to him because he he was like, “That’s it. You continually violated my standards.” And so, the only thing he was questioning was, he wanted to run through with me, “Am I crazy? Am I being unreasonable?” And because she’s been gaslighting him and that’s what gaslighting does, it causes you to question yourself. “Well, maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I’m being unreasonable.”
That’s what a narcissist does. Because they get you, they gaslight you, and they get you to question your own ability to interpret reality. Therefore, that’s how they continue to manipulate you and bamboozle you. They just tell you things and, eventually you start to believe their judgment over your own. And that’s definitely not healthy. That’s when you open yourself up to significant abuse and really huge downside risks.
So, if you’ve got a situation like this that you’re in and you want you want to run it by me, I do a lot of phone sessions, especially when it deals with breakups, or potential breakups, or divorces. Because you’ve got to know whether or not the person you’re with is going to be loyal to you. And if you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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