Why it is critically important to do what’s right for you, march to the beat of your own drum, be who you really are without apology, accept others as they are without trying or expecting to change them, and check the negative influence of any friends or family you don’t see eye to eye with.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss three different emails from three different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who is focused on becoming an alpha male after a lifetime of being a beta male. He has some family conflicts going on and wonders when to stand up for himself and when he should compromise with family members to keep the peace, without sacrificing his values. The second email is from a viewer who shares some simple successes he has noticed, after applying what he has learned from me, that has his friends, and even his dogs and cat, treating him like the dominant alpha male and leader of their pack. His pets have never acted this way around him before. The third email is from a woman who married a younger man who is adrift in his purpose and life, and does not consistently act like a man. She wonders if her marriage is salvageable or if she should leave, because she is tired of her husband being habitually weak, instead of being the man and leader of the family. She says, even their family dogs do not respect him. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the bodies of their emails:
First Viewers Email:
Thank you for being awesome and doing this great work. My question regards my family, and I’ll try to keep it as short as possible. I’m now 36 years old, and I’ve come to the point where I put a lot of effort into turning from beta to alpha. I know it’s never ending, but I at least see improvements, which for me are enough to keep going. (Remember, success is making progress towards that goal by taking action or moving a little closer to where you want to be.) On top of that, I believe I’ve passed the point of no return in the sense of having shifted my self-image, and also how I can feel a change in others’ attitudes towards me. (People will perceive you how you perceive yourself.) Friends have left me, and it feels as if some people even deny my existence and don’t acknowledge me as someone who deserves total respect. (The more comfortable you become being who you are, that’s when you find out who is on your team and who is not.) I have a lot to work on. I pat myself on the shoulder for being conscious and proactive about this, which is more than some can say, (If you’re watching this video, you’re in the top 3% of people, because the other 97% will make excuses and say they don’t have any time for self-help), but that in and of itself doesn’t fix anything, so I need much of my energy and focus to get things straight. (That’s why it’s important to monitor who you allow into your inner circle. If they don’t pull you up and lift you higher, you need to boot them out.) I have no experience in business at all, and I feel eager to start one, because I consider it the best way to put myself into the world as serving man. (The key is to figure out what you want to do with your life. Success comes from adding value to people’s lives with a product or a service, and you need to love what you do and stay committed to it.) I quit my job and decided to follow another path, but in David Deida’s words, I’m now in the unknown. (It’s not smart to just quit your job and start a business. It’s best to have a job to pay the bills while you build the business on the side.) Scary, but I have to find security in uncertainty. (Your comfort zone tends to be where you’re most uncomfortable.)
I notice other people of a different type turning towards me. In a good way, my family, mainly uncles and aunts from my dad’s side, seem to have put me out. (I’ve experienced the same thing. At the end of the day, if family members love you, they’ll make the effort.) I can partly understand, since after a fairly serious argument between my mother and father’s sister, the family broke in two. I let my cousin know that I don’t intend to choose a side, but I didn’t attend about four or five birthdays/holidays, which now the family seems to pick up as, “Well, fuck you then.” My reason for holding off is that most of the beef is about my mother. I know she is sometimes hard to find warmth with, but I am convinced that is not entirely her fault. So, at times where I see my dad and mom uninvited, I also do not attend. (Why go hang out and spend time with people who don’t want you there? In any relationship, it has to be mutually beneficial, respectful, loving, appreciated and valued. If it’s not adding value to your life, you don’t need it.)
My question is, how can I tell if I am right about all of this? (There’s no point in hanging out with people who don’t want you there. You want to be with people who would jump fences to be with you.) My view of some of my family members has changed to being more sober, as it was previously more romanticized, as if all was always fantastic, which it probably wasn’t. (Spend your time with people who make the effort, who are respectful and who act like adults.) Is there a way to become sure of “being right” about letting go of certain people, if not the whole family? Can I tell if my judgment is right? (As long as it feels right in your heart, you should trust that inner voice. Your feelings are your truth.) It seems so unclear, and I refuse to return to being the nice guy who comes begging for love in his family. (Don’t. If they don’t want you there, fuck them. Spend your time with people who do.)
Second Viewer’s Email:
Once again, thank you very much for the GREAT info and work/book. I will most probably send you more and more emails over time as I grow into the MAN I would like to become. One small thing I have noted today, and it might not look like a big thing, is that some of my friends and I were sitting and having a good time at my place. The dogs and the cat where lying at my feet, and I could feel and see they were looking to me as the leader, the ALPHA MALE. (It’s all about the energy you are putting out there. When you’re sure of yourself, at a peaceful and relaxed state and you love yourself, everyone will pick up on it, including animals.) They never showed that kind of behavior to me before. (You’re giving off a vibe of leadership and dominance, and the animals pick up on that.)
The thing I am thinking is, if the animals around me could sense that there is a leader in their presence, I must have the same subconscious effect on the people around me and the women I meet. I don’t need to practice to be a ALPHA MALE. I have become one. Thank you for opening my eyes. (Absolutely. It’s about demonstrating who you are inside. You had to remove all the excuses about why you couldn’t have the people or things you wanted in your life. If you don’t tolerate bullshit in your life, the right people will show up magically.)
Third Viewer’s Email:
I really hope you can help our situation, if not our relationship, at least to help my husband, whether we stay together or not. I married a man who is considerably younger than me. I guess that should have been my first clue. (It doesn’t really matter as long as he acts like a man is supposed to act. Age doesn’t really matter. It’s all about dominance and maturity.) We met online, and it said he was a fireman. After 2 years of dating, I found out that he wasn’t when he admitted that he was laid off and was back to work at a grocery warehouse job. Fine. I didn’t care about the money. He also said that he was also living back at his parents’ house. He was 33 years old at the time. We’re in California, and it is costly, so perhaps he needed to temporarily get back on his feet after the layoff.
Anyway, everything seemed fine until we got married. We didn’t live together before we married, because I have a daughter, and he made it seem like he had friends, activities and interests. Now, fast-forward 2 1/2 years, after meeting his family, it is exactly how you describe in your story. His father is the weakest, quietest man I have ever seen. His wife is gossipy, silly, bosses him and his other two brothers around. (Why? Because she can get away with it. They’re too afraid to stand up for themselves.) She obviously has a favorite son, which is the only one that actually moved out of the house at 19, got married at 25, bought a house and had a child by 31, unlike the other two, that apparently lived at home still. (That son is the favorite because he acts like a man.) She told me when I met her that she felt like he betrayed her by not telling her about me, and that he has never smiled in any picture his whole life, yet he was smiling all the time in our pictures, and that she was convinced he hated her! (Well, if she has always treated him like a second or third class citizen and been an ass to him, because he didn’t behave a certain way, what do you expect?) At our wedding, she didn’t even dance the mother-son dance, because she was “tired,” but then preceded to dance with other people and act all loud and gossipy as always. (She can’t even see how she is the cause of the crappy relationship between the two of them. You could ask her to apologize and tell her being abusive and emasculating doesn’t help the situation.)
I have learned over the past 2 years that he never had moved out of his house his whole life until we married when he was 34. He literally has no friends, other than two guys he has worked with for 15 years at the warehouse, which was his first job he started at age 17 and never advanced. He has never even interviewed or tried for another job. (He’s got no goals or ambition. If you have a mother who is always putting you down as a child, eventually you will start to believe those things, and you’ll never love yourself enough to succeed or feel you deserve success.) I am from a very traditional Catholic home. He wasn’t raised with any faith. My father was a CEO and was a Sargent in the Army. My mother was very outspoken, and they showed love and respect for each other but were two very strong people. We were taught to work towards improving ourselves and learning new things. I was a single mother who bought homes, fixed them up and resold them on the side, as I worked as a pharmaceutical sales rep in New York, after my child’s father decided he didn’t want to be involved and has never seen her.
I love my husband and have tried to encourage him to join classes that other men might be in, so he can have a sense of how a “man” is, like a class in plumbing, construction, etc., since he was never shown any of these skills. I tell him it is not his fault, but that he never had an example of a strong male in the family, and that keeps him from trying new things, experiencing life, or making friends. I told him I think trial and success or failure is essential to grow as a human being, because he had literally never “tried” to do anything, nor failed or felt pride from any type of accomplishment. My father made sure we all knew basic maintenance of a home, car, etc. His father was very uninvolved. (My dad was the same way. He was like a lampshade, just tuning everyone out.) His childhood consisted of annual Disney passes and cruises, and the rest of his days spent sitting in his bedroom playing video games by himself. His Dad worked for UPS as a driver, left the house at 5 am and didn’t return until 9 or 10 at night, supposedly because he wanted to miss the traffic. (More than likely he wanted to miss being around his wife.)
I realize it is not his fault, but he NEEDS to step up and be the man of the house. I am sick of having to take care of everything. (You’re being the man. You are in your masculine, and he is in his feminine.) My daughter, and even our dogs, don’t respect him. It is truly sad. I am about ready to give up, but we are expecting a child, and I’ll be damned if our kid ends up being a wimp, because I am so frustrated at this point that I find myself yelling at him to do something!! I have lost so much respect for him. (These are all the things I talk about in my videos, over and over again. This is a guy who is just not being a man. I would highly recommend you give him a copy of my book as a gift.) For example, last week, he drove an extra 20 miles to go into a Target because the one literally down the street from his work, he didn’t like the area, when my daughter and I shop there regularly. Or getting gas across the street from his work, he drives to another exit and pays $.50 more a gallon, because he doesn’t like being around the homeless people. It’s California. We have homeless people everywhere. I shop around them all the time. It’s not even unsafe. Another example… last night my dog, who has been trained for the past 7 years to sleep in his crate, is now getting spoiled by my husband to the point where he was whining all night. I told him the next night to put his crate in the basement because we couldn’t sleep. So what does he do?? He slept with the dog, not in his crate, in the basement, so the dog wouldn’t whine. Now my dog is ruined, and it will take me retraining him again. His family dresses their dogs, carries them everywhere and cooks dinner for them every night. I’m not lying, fresh chicken every night. I can’t stand living in a home that promotes weakness. (Well, you’re pretty far down the road at this point.) It isn’t good for my child to see a man act this way, and I have tried being quiet and waiting for him to take charge, but I feel like our life is just completely dead, because we don’t take control of anything in our lives with him at the wheel.
Are we hopeless? Please help!!! (Get him a copy of my book, sit him down and tell him you aren’t happy. Tell him you want him to be a man and a leader, because you need that in a man. He needs goals, ambition and to take care of the house if you’re going to stay together as family. Do it in a loving way, but give him 90 days. If he loves you and cares about your relationship, he’ll get this handled.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Alpha male or female energy is the energy of leadership, dominance, strength, certainty, attractiveness, success, self-love, self-respect, self-reliance and self-mastery. Beta male or female energy is the energy of submissiveness, timidity, fearfulness, uncertainty, indecisiveness, weakness, inequality, failure and defeat. Alphas lead, and betas follow. Alpha energy is about reaching your full potential, while beta energy is about being too fearful and weak to do what is necessary to win and succeed. Alphas go for what they want, in spite of their fears. Betas make excuses, play it safe and run from challenges. In life, you get to decide who you are and what you become. Your decisions, focus, actions and beliefs will shape and determine your destiny. What you focus on tends to expand. Therefore, you’ll either become what you love or become what you fear. Choose wisely.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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