Drama, Poor Communication & Stonewalling

Apr 30, 2015 by Coach Corey Wayne

Young couple with relationship difficultiesWhat you should do if you are dating or recently broke up with someone who creates unnecessary drama, is a poor communicator or who stonewalls you when you try to communicate and talk things out.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who broke up with her boyfriend who obviously does not understand women and how to communicate with them. Prior to their breakup, she says they were constantly fighting. She wants to work things out with him, but so far he has been unwilling or unable to communicate and work things out. He contacts her and says he wants to work things out, but then he does not set a date or make plans to see her. He’s giving her mixed signals. This has caused her to second guess and question herself. She asks me to help decipher his true intentions and what is really going on.

Hello Corey,

I have watched a lot of your videos after the fact of making horrendous mistakes with this breakup! I don’t think I am too far gone, but now I am in a difficult situation and don’t know what to do.

I will be 21 on April 17th, and my ex-boyfriend who is 23, broke up with me two weeks ago. We dated for four months in high school, but I broke up with him. He had a party at his house with girls and lied to me about it. (People may become a better version of who they are, but they don’t change. He lied to you back in high school, which tells me he lacks integrity. upset girl and boy He’s not used to communicating and being honest about things, so his conditioned behavior is to lie and deceive.) Time passed, and he re-entered my life and wanted another chance saying, “I’ve dated around, but I realize I’m just looking for another you.” This time, however, he was the one who broke it off after we dated eight months. We fought a lot about the littlest things. (Men who argue with women don’t understand them. Most guys are trying to win an argument through logic and reason, and women are trying to be understood and heard.) I would always try and sit down and talk about our problems so we could fix them, but we would just end up arguing and never solved anything. He was bottling everything up for weeks and losing attraction for me because of all the fighting. (It’s too painful and uncomfortable for him to talk about it. He never learned how to talk things through.) When he ignored me for a week, I knew things were going bad, so I went and bought him a pair of shoes as an excuse to go talk to him/bribe him. I gave him the shoes, and he said thank you, but continued to break up with me. After he broke it off with me in person, he said things like, “I never loved you. I don’t care for you,” and, “I’ve been so happy while we haven’t been talking,” which really hurt me. (He’s trying to make you hurt more than he does, which makes him feel like he had a victory.) Couple silhouette breaking up a relationHe explained how he only wants to be friends. I told him I was “okay” with that, even though I really wasn’t, and we agreed every other day we would take turns saying good morning, and whoever messed up owed the other dinner. (Never agree to be friends with somebody when you want to be their lover. That’s not authentic, and you will just torture yourself.) He said I had to go first, but I ended up changing my mind about that agreement and didn’t text him.

On the fourth day of no contact, he texted me “You know you owe me dinner right?” then followed by various “Hello’s,” “I miss you,” “Why do you hate me?” and phone calls through the week, and at one point he texted, “Already got a new guy?! I knew you would,” because I posted a bouquet of flowers to social media. (It sounds like you were just ignoring him, which is not what I teach. The idea is to let them go, and when they realize they fucked up, they reach out and you make a date.) He was stalking my social networks, blowing up my phone, and he then went on to message my best friend on Facebook saying, “Please have Jessica text me.” businessman talking to mobile They talked, and he told my friend he “wants to fix things with me and work our way back to dating again,” and that this is “kind of a last chance.” My best friend told him to apologize to me, and he said he would the next day, but never did. I finally answered his text after five days of ignoring him, and he spoke as if everything was normal and even said, “Goodnight pretty thang.” I spoke friendly with him, but made sure I was always the one to leave the conversation first, and made sure I was not very open with him! I made him wonder if I even missed him. We have been texting daily ever since, and he asked me to come say hi to him the other morning at work because he was nearby, so I did. It was a very quick hi and bye, and I brought him a snack and left. He texted me thank you, and that I owe him dinner for not texting good morning that day. I said, okay fair enough, but he never set up dinner plans with me. Later that day, he texted “I can’t even tell if you’re into us anymore.” I asked what ‘us’ means and he said, “Ever being more than friends.” I asked him if he was into ‘us’ and he said “Not if your not gonna be.” (You’re punishing him a little too much. As I discuss in the article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” when they reach out to you, assume they want to see you because they miss you, and bring up getting together.) Couple or friends talking in a restaurant I then comforted him and told him I felt the same. He kept asking if I’ve been on dates, and even though I said no, he didn’t believe me and said “I figured you would have already had a new guy by now.” I brought up the idea that he owes me dinner as well, and I attempted to make plans to finally go out Friday as friends for fun! (Friends only is not what you want.) He said he would get back with me when he got off work on Friday and to let me know. Well, Friday came around and he didn’t text good morning, as it was his turn, or let me know when he was off work, so the plans fell through, and I held my composure and did not text him asking why. Regardless, I’m devastated. (Remember, you ignored him for five days. He’s doing it to you now.)

It is day four of him not speaking to me after he “stood me up” on the dinner plans. (It didn’t sound like you really had plans.) I know it is best to continue no contact with him until he is crawling back apologizing and begging for another chance, IF EVER. (No. If he reaches out, assume he wants to see you and suggest dinner.) I just want to know where to go from here! Should I block him completely, remove him from all of my social networks, etc? (No. That would be childish.) Or should I leave some lines of communication open? thoughtfull pretty serious young woman on a white background I really need some help on how to handle this! I was doing so good ignoring him until I caved in and responded to his text. (Ignoring him wasn’t getting you anywhere.) I just didn’t know how else I was supposed to make plans with him! I messed up by telling him I’m not dating anyone else, now its to the point where he knows I’m “hanging onto his every word” and he knows he could have me back at any moment, so he doesn’t want me. (You’re both punishing each other. What does that accomplish?) I’d like to get back together with him. (Really? Well, what are your actions communicating?) I don’t want to be his friend. (Stop telling him you can get together in a friendly manner.) As much as I wish I knew what he was thinking and why he’s doing the things he’s doing, I just can’t wrap my head around it! Ugh! Men!!

P.S. I’ve attached pictures of him and I in the email, if it helps you in any way. I tried my best to keep this short and summarized, but I still left a lot of things out. If you have any questions I can answer them! Feel free to use us as an example for your YouTube Channel! I love your videos, and have watched a lot of them. (The next time he reaches out, respond to him and tell him you’d like to see him. Help the guy and stop torturing him. Maybe you could suggest he read my book.)

Thank you for all of your help thus far,

Jessica

My response to her:

Jessica,

Your ex boyfriend obviously does not understand women. He sounds pretty immature. He has no communication skills either. He obviously became frustrated that he could not understand you or make you happy. He therefore withdrew from the relationship completely and gave up. I would not call or text him again. He dumped you. Therefore, he must be the one to repair things without any prodding or forceful contact from you. Move on with your life and start dating other men as if it’s over for good. You are a beautiful woman and should have no trouble attracting another guy who is mature, understands women and who knows how to communicate like an adult. Question. Closeup portrait of dumb clueless young man, arms out It is not your job to fix your ex. You should have some high standards for yourself regarding men that are getting higher now that you are learning my work. You deserve the best for yourself. Do not settle or put up with bullshit from little boys like this guy who do not know how to be a man. Never agree to be friends with any man who you want to be your lover.

The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. I would not block him from social media. If he does contact you, be honest and tell him you are not interested in being friends only. That is bullshit. It’s not what you want either. Don’t’ ignore his messages. If he ain’t making dates to see you, then everything else that comes out of his mouth is drivel. Tell him that if he wants to rekindle things, then he needs to apologize and start communicating with you like an adult to work things out. Give him a copy of my book if he is open to it. Otherwise, you are simply wasting your time with a guy who will never get any better and will only continue to hurt you. Stand up for yourself and make sure he meets all of your conditions for giving him another chance. Otherwise, you are done.

Corey

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“It’s never easy when you love someone to acknowledge or admit to yourself that they are not a good match for you or that you simply are not compatible. Sex, love and lust are not enough to make a relationship work or last. It’s much easier to let someone go when you no longer care about him or her or want to be with them, but when it comes to a breakup, that’s not usually the case. The only way any relationship can work is if both people place a high value on keeping the relationship and are willing to listen, understand each other and communicate to work things out in a calm and loving manner. People who refuse to talk and open up, who stonewall your efforts to resolve things maturely or who are stuck in a destructive pattern of creating drama and arguing, are much better off becoming part of your past than remaining part of your life. It’s not your job to fix people who can’t or won’t communicate like an adult.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

Published on April 30, 2015

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Corey,
    Here is a follow-up question from another female viewer. How do I (as a female) alter the 7 principles for getting an ex back, and the “Hang out, have fun, hook up” strategy? When I last saw my ex, he wanted to hook up, but I didn’t, not that I don’t want sex (I really, really want it, with him especially), but I want sex in the context of a committed relationship. Besides working on being the best version of myself, how do I proceed?
    Thank you,
    Jen

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