What it means and what you should do if you get dumped because she says you’re at different stages in life.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about six months. He’s read my book, How To Be A 3% Man, ten times and got the girl he wanted. However, she just dumped him saying that they’re at different stages in life. He’s twenty and she is twenty-four.
Despite dumping him, she is still contacting him and he’s unsure of what to do to make her his woman again. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is an interesting thing going on here, because you have an outside person, a person of authority who, it looks pretty obvious, has interfered in his relationship to the point where his girlfriend dumped him. I’ve been doing this for a long time, and I’ve talked to so many people over the years. There are some really good therapists and counselors and psychologists out there, but there’s also a lot of them that totally suck ass.
I’ve done so many phone sessions with guys that were in marriage and couples counseling, and they go in there and it’s a woman. And then the woman gangs up with his wife against him, and then instead of walking out of there feeling like, “Wow, I really got closer together with my wife, and this therapist really facilitated things,” now, nothing is happening. They walk out of there feeling worse and their relationship gets worse.
I’ve talked to so many guys who are like, “Yeah, I’ve been in counseling for six months. We’re going once a week,” twice a week, whatever. They’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars on these therapists, and he’s still not having sex with her. And then I do one phone session with the guy, he starts acting like an attractive man again, and then his wife or girlfriend’s all over him.
I think therapy and counseling is great, but you’ve got to vet the people that you hire. And if they’re not bringing you and your wife or your girlfriend back together and doing things to help keep your family together, (if that’s what you’re trying to do), and actually giving you advice that’s working, you should fire the fuck out of them. Don’t let some incompetent moron wreck your life, or wreck your relationship or your family. Because there are women out there that are therapists that have problems with men and they don’t like men. They’re pissed off at men. They’ve got daddy issues.
I’ve coached a lot of therapists and counselors, some of the most successful marriage and couples therapists in the world, and the good ones learned this stuff. The good ones care about helping other people. And the one thing that they all jokingly tell me when we first start talking is that the reason they became a therapist or a psychologist is because they were so fucked up and they were trying to understand themselves.
It’s good because your wounds can become your strengths, but the reality is, not everybody’s competent. I mean, all we’ve got to do is look at our government. Our government is not only corrupt, but it’s totally incompetent. Look at the disaster of the pullout from Afghanistan. That’s just one of the latest things. So, you’ve got to vet the people that you hire, especially when you’re trying to save your relationship or your family, because there’s a lot of them out there that suck. That’s just the reality.
After following your work for over 6 months now, I was able to get into a relationship with a girl that I absolutely adore. I’ve read your book about 10 times now, (like you say to do).
Well, I always say 10 to 15 times.
And I believe, thanks to you, I have learnt the principles of relationships and attraction, etc., (obviously there is always still room for improvement). However, I have reached a big hurdle in my relationship that I really need your help with, as it feels like it’s something I can’t control.
I am a 20-year old male with a 24-year old girlfriend, until yesterday when she unexpectedly broke up with me. Everything was going great, she was doing 80-90% of the pursuing, she was the one who brought up being in a relationship about a month ago, and she even was the first to say I love you. Perfect, just as the book says. Now, the night before she broke up with me, she was very cold and distant, so I knew something was up.
I would have asked her, “What’s up? You’re kind of cold and distant tonight. You’re kind of being nasty to me, what’s going on?” I would have asked her right then and there, on the spot.
The next day she wanted to go to the park, so I picked her up. She was crying and absolutely miserable. She kept saying that she “loved me,” blah, blah, blah, but she’s breaking up with me because we are at different stages in life. (She also went to see a life therapist that morning.)
Yeah, I’m sure that therapist is a really fucking a competent therapist. The reality is people that are miserable and unhappy in their relationships or people that are miserable and single, they project that misery onto other people. And if everything is sailing along good, and then she goes and talks to a therapist and now basically tells your girlfriend or your wife to divorce you or dump you, that’s not helpful. I don’t have much respect for people that behave this way, because they’re doing people a disservice. Your job as a coach or a therapist is to help people get what they want.
She’s 24, out of university with a career. I’m 20 and just finished my first year of my business degree with two more years to go, and I tennis coach on the side to make money. Basically, I feel as though because she is the one who’s ahead of me in life, with a career, more experiences, etc., she feels more dominant and in her masculine.
Well, the only way she’s going to feel more dominant and in her masculine is if she’s structured or you’re acting like a bitch all of the time. That’s a fact of life, if you’re not being the leader in the relationship.
The other thing we’ve got to consider is women don’t dump men who they’re head over heels in love with. They dump men they don’t respect and have lost attraction for. So, you have to reexamine, how has your behavior been the last few months? He says everything is rosy. I’ve done a lot of phone sessions over the years where guys try to present the image to me that everything is rosy, and then when I go through the actions and what’s actually being done, I find out the truth.
That’s part of my job as a coach, because nobody wants to admit that they fucked up. I mean, that’s reality. And so, I’m usually giving guys tough love, and that’s why I’m so savage and harsh in these emails, because I know, not only the person that wrote it, but there’s going to be other people that are watching it.
And when I’m harsh or I use harsh language, that’s what’s called a pattern interrupt. It’s the kind of thing like, “Oh my god, did he really say that? Oh, I can’t believe it.” It changes your state. It’s the kind of thing that causes you to pay attention. And when you interrupt somebody’s pattern like that, it makes them pay attention to something they need to pay attention to, especially if they’re trying to save their relationship.
Although I treat her like ‘a little sister’ and she feels really girly and feminine around me, she feels as though she can’t support me or be by my side at this point in time.
Well, here’s another harsh reality, and I believe I’ve mentioned this in “How To Be A 3% Man.” If a woman doesn’t support your purpose and your mission, what you do in life, she’s the wrong girl for you anyway. Period, end of story. That’s the bottom line. If she’s not willing to support you and cheerlead you as you’re going through college, finishing up college, and then later on in your career, she’s the wrong girl.
And you should even say that to her the next time you’re lying naked in bed together and she starts throwing this stuff in your face about being at different points in your life. I wouldn’t be so quick to get back together and be exclusive with her after what she did. And again, I’m assuming that you’ve done everything right, like you claim to have done here in the email.
The last video newsletter I did, the guy was saying that he was “a player” back in his 20s, but he was making such rookie mistakes. He couldn’t even get past a first or second date with these women. So, he didn’t sound like much of a player. It sounded like he was just trying to bullshit me and puff himself up. But all I have to do is look at what people’s actions are and what the woman’s actions are that they’re interacting with, and I can tell exactly what’s going on.
She said that if it was 2 years later, things would probably be different. I need your help, Corey on what to do here.
So, this is the important thing…
Only one day later she already contacted me, basically saying she feels like shit.
Obviously, she cares. If you didn’t hear from her, and she’s fine, and she’s not upset about it, then she wasn’t in love with you. The fact that she calls you a day later and she feels like shit, if it would have been me, I would have been like, “Well, of course you feel like shit, babe. You’re experiencing Corey withdrawals. I think you need to get your cute little ass over here, and bring me some wine and some chocolates and make it up to me for being such a jackass yesterday.” That’s all I would have had to say.
Have her come over. Your job as a man in the courtship is to just simply create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. You’re the prize. You’re the guy that she wanted to be in a relationship with, and now she says she doesn’t, but now she’s texting you the next day.
So, again, what it really looks like to me, if I was to bet – if I’m in Las Vegas and I’m going to place a wager based on everything I’ve got – what’s the real reason why they broke up, I would say it’s probably the therapist. That’s what it looks like. Because if she didn’t care about you, you wouldn’t have heard from her – probably weeks, several days would have gone by.
But the reason why you go no contact, it’s not a strategy, it’s not a technique. She’s basically said, “I can’t be in a relationship with you anymore. We’re at two different places in our lives. We need to go our separate ways.” And you’re like, “Well, that’s not what I want. But if you’re going to break up with me because of some therapist that doesn’t know me and doesn’t really know you, told you to break up with me, well, maybe you should should reexamine your reasoning for even hiring that particular therapist and actually find somebody that’s good and competent in what they do.”
“I’ll give you a chance to win me back, but I’m not going to jump right back into a relationship with you after you just blew it up because you talked to some stranger. I’ll give you a chance to earn me back with sweet kisses, kissy-poo, waking up naked in each other’s arms.” You’ve got to be the prize.
So, I know she’ll come back with use of the no contact rule.
Dude, fucking-a, dude. She’s already coming back. She called you the next day. You completely missed an opportunity. You don’t sit there and wait for her to go, “Okay, let’s be back in a relationship.” That’s not how it works. The bottom line is you look at her actions. She said she wanted to break up. What happens after you break up? The very next day she calls you telling you that she feels like shit. That’s when you sweep her off her feet and say, “Come to daddy, baby. Come to daddy, come to daddy. You miss daddy.”
But when she does, what do I do? How do I make her ‘my woman’…
You don’t make her your woman. She’s just one of your women. She has to make you her man again, and you should take your time before you agree to that. I would find out more about what this therapist said and say, “Well, if you want a chance at making me your man again, you’ll fire that fucking incompetent therapist and go find yourself a good therapist. Maybe somebody who’s nice and kind and who would love to meet me and have us both sit down together. That would be great, because that’s something somebody that understands the value of teamwork would do. That’s something that a competent professional would do.”
…and be her man, even though I’m in university with no career yet?
You have a career. Right now, you’re a student. That is part of your mission and purpose, and therefore, you need to be the best student you can be. And when you’re not in class and studying, you should be doing some kind of part time job so you can make some money, so you can romance your girl, or girls.
She obviously wants a man with a purpose and mission that she can support and be by their side throughout.
You’ve got to remember, I talk about this in “How To Be A 3% Man,” women tend to take these little things, the asshole therapist, and go, “Oh, it’s the end of the world!” And I can understand her saying, “Oh, well, you know, he’s four years younger. He’s got to go through school,” and by the time he finally finishes school, and then when you eventually have kids, you’re going to be in your late twenties, so you should just find somebody a little older, probably something along those lines.
Or maybe you were acting like a bitch, I don’t know. There are some hints here in your email, like you kind of don’t seem to understand your direction or your mission. But your mission and your purpose is school and to be a great student, so you can learn what you need to learn and go get the job that that college degree is going to facilitate you getting.
Hopefully, you’re not getting one of those useless bullshit degrees that we hear so much about in the news, where people go $100,000 into debt and they’re waiting tables, because they can’t get a job in the field that they want, because they got a useless degree.
The thing is, I have a purpose and a mission, but it’s all through my studies and being at university. Is it just bad timing?
No, the therapist threw a grenade into your relationship. But your girlfriend’s already regretting her decision. So, I would wait to hear from her, and the next time you do, it’s like, “Babe, stop torturing yourself. Don’t stay away from daddy. You need to come over.” Just like I said earlier, hang out, have fun, hook up. This is a simple thing.
And if she talks about getting back together, it’s like, “I want to just kind of take my time before I commit to you. I want to see you get rid of that therapist and find a therapist that you like, that is supportive of us and our relationship. Maybe even bring me in on some of your therapy sessions, because we’re teammates.” That’s what a competent therapist would do. An asshole, a narcissist would blow up your relationship. “Fire the fuck out of that idiot!” That’s what you need to tell your girlfriend to do. If she wants another chance with you, fire the therapist. Get a good one.
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women don’t dump men who they are in love with. They only dump men who they don’t respect and don’t have high attraction for. Women who are attracted to you will make the effort to stay in touch, be available to see you, keep the plans you make and be open to your romantic advances. Women who aren’t attracted break dates, ignore you, suggest group dates, give you the cheek instead of a kiss, jerk you around, make no effort to stay in touch, suggest that you be friends only or friends first and make themselves unavailable for dates.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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