Dumped Unexpectedly

Some things to consider if you got dumped unexpectedly to figure out what went wrong.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1^st email is from a viewer who has been following my work for over a year. He was dating a girl and it was going well, but after a month he had to leave the country for a month of travel. When he returned, she went cold and dipped. The 2^nd email is from a viewer who was dating a girl for a month and he thought it was going well, but then she dumped him saying she wasn’t ready for a relationship. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Dumped Unexpectedly.”

Well, I got two different emails from two different guys that pretty much got dumped unexpectedly. They didn’t see it coming. They were kind of surprised, like, “What the hell happened?” So they both write in asking me to look at what the hell happened, to figure it out for them.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ve been following your work for over a year now and it has completely rewired my brain when it comes to dating. I have been listening to your audiobook almost everyday for the past year, but recently purchased the paperback version as I feel it might have a greater impact. So, long story short I met this girl over the summer through mutual friends and we started dating, however a month into it I had to leave the country for a month.

We Facetimed around once a week, sometimes twice and I set the calls up in the same manner I would dates. When she reaches out or once a week where I initiate contact. She texted me that she misses me often. Of course, I wouldn’t be writing you if things didn’t go south. To give you some perspective, she mostly initiated all texting and would get really mad at me but I rarely did, I was definitely never over-pursuing as I was mostly busy anyway. When I returned, I asked her when she was available to meet up.

You would assume after a month and texting you all the time that she’d be pretty excited. She’ll clear her schedule, “Oh my God, I can’t wait to see you.”

She responded, “This week I am very busy with university, there are two big stakes exams, however, there might be some free time during the weekend” and to be fair she really is busy with school.

I would have said, “No problem, we’ll let me know when your schedule frees up. I’d love to see you. I miss you.” And just leave it at that. Wait to hear from her.

She studies Analytics, (Higher Mathematics) where she has to attend lessons everyday Monday to Friday, and be there until 6 P.M. and does a bunch of homework at home. Most of our Facetime calls she was mostly talking about it as well. So, I responded with “No worries, get back to me as soon as you know your schedule.”

Perfect response.

Later that same day she sent me two voice mails saying “I don’t think we should keep seeing each other since I am mostly busy with school anyway and I wouldn’t have time for a boyfriend and I think that your friends are mean and since you hang around with them you are very similar to them.”

So if you were only dating somebody for a month, they shouldn’t know all your friends. But he did say they met through mutual friends, so maybe that means she just knew of these guys and knew how they were. Or he continued to do things when they were dating and involving his friends. Because, as The Book says, you don’t involve friends or family or anybody until she’s in love with you and you’re boyfriend girlfriend. Because this is a prime example. If you got some friends that are assholes, they weren’t very nice to her and you’re just started dating and she’s not that into you yet.

Your friends could be the ones blowing it for you. So that’s why it’s better to take those variables out of the equation and just take your time building rapport with her and you so you can get to know each other. Because if you start involving her and introducing her to your friends and family so quickly, you’re basically treating her like a girlfriend. And women take a lot longer to fall in love than guys do. And so when you start treating her like a girlfriend and you’ve only been dating for a couple of weeks, it’s kind of overwhelming. You come on pretty strong.

I mean, this guy spent a whole month dating her and you know, granted, he was away for a month. Maybe there’s another guy that she met, but as soon as he gets back in town, you would have thought if things were progressing properly, that she would have been excited to see him. And she should have been knowing when he was coming back. So, “I can’t wait to see you.” That’s how normally girls are. But when you get back and you’re like, “Hey, I’m back, I want to see you.” And she’s like, “Well, maybe this week and I might have some time.” That’s not a good sign. That means she’s not that into it. So.

“I think that your friends are mean and since you hang around with them you are very similar to them.” I was shook and responded with, “I don’t know what to say, but if that’s your decision all I can do is accept it, call me when you miss me.” She ignored that, but 5 minutes later texted me, “You’re not even going to fight?” And I said, “What do you want me to fight about? The fact that you’re busy. Or that my friends are mean? I’m not going to beg. I have some self-respect.” She said, “I think it’s crazy that you’re not even fighting as if you finally got rid of me.”

She sounds a little insecure saying something like that.

“It shows that you don’t care about me at all.” To which I basically said that I do, and I wouldn’t be reaching out to her at all if I didn’t and that I think it shouldn’t end this way, we should at least meet once. “But she responded maybe we will see each other next summer.”

She sounds a little insecure, but I would say also he’s probably involving his friends and his relationship too much too soon. So I assume there’s probably other things in The Book that he’s violating. So his friends and their behavior cockblocked him. But maybe because he met her through mutual friends. She already knew all these people and knew what they were like.

But this is an excuse. What’s going on here is that she doesn’t even want to see him after he spent a whole month away from her. So instead of her getting more excited for him coming home. He comes home and she doesn’t even want to make time. And on top of that, she just breaks it off. So her interest was going the opposite way instead of it increasing.

Next morning I had a moment of weakness and sent her a 3 minute voicemail saying that “It dawned on me that we are not going to talk anymore and it would be a waste not to continue and that we had a good time together.” But she coldly responded, “Yeah the vibe was there but you know, school, I don’t like your friends, the long-distance changed things, maybe we will meet again in the future.” And I then gave up and wished her luck and said my goodbyes. By the way, just a week before I returned, she said she wanted to go see this one movie with me and that she missed me.

It’s been about a week since we last talked. What do you think about this situation? Is there any hope?

I am hoping you could make a video newsletter about this. I appreciate your work and will read the book 10-15 times at least to really understand it. Best of luck to you!

Bob

Well, flip a coin. You shouldn’t have involved your friends and your relationship. So I would assume maybe on those phone calls you talked and texted her out of liking you. Because she should have been more into you by the time you got back. But maybe the sex wasn’t that good. You know, at the end of the day, her interest went down instead of up. And, you know, the stuff about the school, and your friends being mean. The friends had a bigger impact than they should have because they were involved in your relationship.

But again, maybe she just knew of them. But the reality is she dated you for a month and she did all that talking in the phone. And then all of a sudden she’s like, “Have a nice life. Maybe next summer.” If I was a betting man, there might be another dude in the picture. Or maybe one of her exes came back in the picture. But the bottom line is the interest was not high enough and so she dipped. So I would say that probably there are things you did and said again.

The one thing that stands out is involving your friends in your relationship, to the point where she knew them well enough to make the decision that they’re assholes. So and that’s on you. You shouldn’t have been, you know, inviting this girl that you were just kind of casually dating and hooking up with, I assume, hooking up with, to your dates with your friends. You only do that once you’re in a serious relationship. And so if you’re violating those principles, that’s why. That’s why I tell people not to do it.

Because other times you’ll have friends that know the way you used to be, that you used to always get rejected or friend zoned. And they’ll go up to the girl you’re dating thinking that they’re putting in a good word for you. And they talk about, “Well, you’re a really pretty girl. You’re the prettiest girl my friend’s ever been with. And, you know, he’s a good guy and he’s always got dicked over by all the girls he’s dated in the past. He gets friend zoned a lot, he gets rejected a lot. And I always felt it wasn’t fair to him. And I’m really glad that you’re giving him the chance.”

And probably say something stupid like that. And then she goes from liking the guy to thinking he’s a loser. Other women don’t like him. There must be something wrong with him. And so that is not helpful. And so she’s in love with you and that kind of shit happens, it’s not really going to have as much of an effect on her, but when you’ve only been dating for a few weeks and this happens, it can be enough to torpedo it. Or you go out on a group date with her and her friends. You have a little too much to drink, and you say something that some of the friends don’t like, and she’s not that into you yet.

That can be all it takes for her to depart from you permanently. So in this case, there’s nothing else to do. I mean, will she come back, flip a coin? There’s a good chance there’s another guy in the picture. But her interest went the other way. I mean, it’s kind of odd that she’s telling you that she misses you a week before you get back. And then as soon as you get back, she doesn’t even want to make time to see you and just breaks it off over text. So if I was a betting man, I’d say there’s probably a good chance that an ex or some other dude came along while you were gone.

I mean, she did say the long distance changed things. And again, maybe when you were on the phone, you were trying to crack jokes or saying things to her, and they went over like a lead balloon. Like, all we can look at is that during your time apart, her interest went down instead of up. And so I would have to assume that things, or maybe your mutual friend group, your friends were doing and saying things while you were out of the country that made you look bad, that you didn’t know about, or you have yet to find out about.

Because like I said, if you were doing things right on these online dates, she should have been missing you terribly, and she should have been coming over as soon as you got home. You don’t have to go out on an official date. It’s like if you come back at home, she’s like, “Hey, what are you doing?” He’s like, “I want to see you. Get your ass over here, get your cute little ass over here and come kiss me, I miss you.” Something like that. But chalk it up to the game. So let’s go through the next email.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been following your work for a while and have seen improvements in my dating life, but I still have challenges. Here’s a recent situation. I was dating a girl for a little over a month. At first, I kept phone communication limited to setting up dates, but over time, we started texting more frequently.

Yeah, that’s a mistake. Phones are for setting dates. If you start texting the girl a lot, what you’ll notice is you’ll be talking and texting more on the phone, and you’ll be seeing each other less in person. And her enthusiasm will be going the other way, because you talk and text her out of liking you. So there’s a principle right off the bat that you’re violating that’s in The Book.

Everything seemed to be going well until this past weekend. I woke up to a long text from her saying she wasn’t ready for a relationship but thought I was a great guy.

So when a woman says she’s not ready for a relationship, she’s getting the relationship vibes from you. She’s getting the vibe that you’re ready to lock her down and you’re ready to be boyfriend and girlfriend. You’re more serious about her than she is about you. In other words, you care way more about her than she cares about you. Because when she says she’s not ready for a relationship, it’s typically because you’re smothering her.

Probably because you’re talking and texting too much on the phone. Because usually when guys start doing that, it goes well for a few days or maybe even a week or so, and then all of a sudden it’s almost like she kind of gets bored. She starts leaving you on read sometimes.

Her replies get shorter, she takes longer to reply. And that’s why a big reason why you don’t talk and text. The phone is for setting dates. That’s it. Because it helps you remain mysterious. And plus, if you’re always talking and texting instead of just talking and texting to arrange things.

Then she gets used to that. She gets used to you being available 24/7. And then she expects it and it’s just a bad way to go. Plus, I mean banging away on a keyboard or on a cell phone with your thumbs. It’s like I like to get to the point, you know, sitting there sending tons of long messages back and forth, or using a message app, Snapchat, WhatsApp, things of that nature, it’s just stupid to do that.

The more you talk and text, the less time you spend in person. And the more you talk in text, and the less time you spend in person, the closer you are to getting friend zoned or getting texts like this. “Hey, I don’t think we should see each other. You’re a great guy.” In other words, you’re too nice. That’s also what she means.

She suggested we meet to talk, and I agreed. We planned to meet after dinner, but she was out with friends and kept pushing the time back. I told her I was golfing the next morning and couldn’t stay up late, so I suggested we connect the next day. She kept insisting we talk that night, but I eventually fell asleep and left it for the next day. The following morning, I woke up to multiple missed calls and texts from her, sent while she was drunk, asking me to come over.

Sounds like she was down for a booty call. But if it was me, well, she’s drunk. You should say, “Take an Uber and come see me.” If she says, “Oh, I’m too drunk.” I’d be like, “All right. Well, we’ll have to get together tomorrow. I’m going to bed.”

I texted her during my golf round, suggesting we meet for lunch and talk.

Why would you meet for lunch? If you’re interested in sex and romance, you don’t go to lunch. When you agree to meet for lunch to talk you’ve already given up. You’ve already lost. You’ve already acquiesced to platonic vibes and interactions. You’ve got to think about these things. If you’re interested in sex and romance, you don’t make lunch dates.

We met at a park, and after some small talk, she explained that she was still dealing with financial issues with her ex of five years, who she split from about 10 months ago. She said she had feelings for me but wasn’t ready for a committed relationship because she wasn’t in a place to give 100%. She also shared that she thought I was a great guy and admired me, but needed more time to heal.

What it really boils down to is, “I’m just not feeling it, bro. I’m not feeling it for you.” The time to heal sounds great and all that stuff, but it wasn’t a problem earlier. It’s only a problem now. That tells me again. His game was probably sloppy. He was doing and saying things that were unattractive.

I mean, right off the bat he started dating her and then he started talking and texting all the time. And so he was probably texting things that he thought was funny, and she didn’t take it as funny. And so he talked and texted her out of liking him, and it destroyed the mystery.

I told her I wasn’t rushing to label things since it had only been a month. I was content with seeing where things would go naturally. However, I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in being just friends or a casual fling. I said if she changed her mind, she could reach out to me.

“Or a casual fling.” Why would you even say, “Oh, I’m not interested in a casual fling?” So that right off the bat, that tells me that’s what his mindset is. “I gotta lock this girl down to a commitment. I want a girlfriend.” That’s what he’s communicating. It’s too much, too soon. And that’s why she’s dipping. Because, as she repeated multiple times, “You’re a great guy.” In other words, she knows it doesn’t matter how good looking you are or what a great guy you are, or how handsome you are, or how big your bank account is.

If she ain’t feeling attracted to you and she doesn’t respect you, doesn’t matter. She’s going to dip. And so I’d be getting back into The Book and find out where you went wrong and where your game was sloppy. I mean, again, right off the bat you went, you started dating, and then you started talking and texting more. I mean, it’s right out of The Book. It says, don’t do this and this is why. And so you violate the principles, you get rejected.

Despite this, she was firm about not wanting a romantic relationship right now.

Again. You just reiterated to her that you wanted her as your girlfriend.

Though she joked about our sex life.

She joked about your sex life. I mean, she really loved having sex with you. You could have said, “Well, I’m not interested in friendship, but we can be friends with benefits.” That’s what you should have said. But you told her, “You’re my girlfriend or nothing at all.” Like you weren’t even boyfriend girlfriend yet. It should have never happened this way. So you’re trying to lock her down to a commitment, that was the vibe.

That’s why women say, “I’m not ready for a relationship.” Because they know you’re really serious about them, and they’re not in the same place. And then when you get together, you basically said, “I want a serious relationship. If you can’t have a serious relationship with me. I’m out.” It’s the wrong thing to do, Man. This is not what The Book teaches.

It left me confused about whether she was letting me down easy or genuinely needed time to heal.

You turned her off. You talked and texted her out of liking you. Again, go through The Book. There are things you did, things you said that made her interest go down instead of up. And again, if I look at how what you said, or what she said and what you said when you were together in person, it’s pretty clear you’re focused on locking her down to a commitment. And that’s the real reason why she dipped. It wasn’t casual. All relationships start as casual.

You went from casual, and at some point you decided you wanted her as your girlfriend, and it was girlfriend or bust. And so she dipped because she wasn’t in the same place. She knew you were too serious about her. She couldn’t give you what you wanted. In other words, she was trying to say, I’m not as into you as you’re into me. And so it’s better if we don’t see each other, because she probably didn’t think it was going to change over time.

She also mentioned I could reach out to her if I needed anything, but I’m not planning on contacting her. I won’t text, call, or approach her at the gym.

Remember, as I talk about in The Book, a man’s job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up. And you were focused on locking her down to a commitment and a relationship. So that’s on you for not following The Book.

Although it was a short time, she has qualities I admire, and I wish we were still talking. I can’t tell if she brought up her ex because she still misses him.

Or maybe she’s talking to him. Maybe she’s getting back together with him. You just don’t know. But your game was pretty sloppy, so that’s why you’re rejected. And now wondering what’s going on with her.

She said she thought they would get married and that they lived together for most of their relationship. Am I just a rebound, or is she really struggling to move on?

Well, she lost interest, attraction and respect for you because your game sucked. Simple as that.

I’d appreciate any advice you have. I know it’s only been a couple of months, but she stands out compared to other women I’ve dated.

Again, your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen and not to get to know somebody over the phone and not to lock a girl down to a commitment after only a few weeks of dating. So you shouldn’t be surprised that she bounced from you. You got to follow what’s in The Book, Dude. These things are laid out because I went through fucking hell to learn this stuff. And I’ve been teaching this for 20 years. Guys that listen to what I teach, they do well. And guys that don’t, and they cherry pick like you’ve been, you get rejected.

And then you’re scratching your head. It’s like you shouldn’t be scratching your head. Because going through the email, it’s pretty obvious what happened. But then again, that’s why I go through the emails. So I appreciate nonetheless that you sent the email. It’s, chalk it up to experience. You’re in No Contact. Don’t call, don’t text for any reason. If she reaches out in the future and says, “Hey” or whatever, just assume she wants to see you. Invite her over to your place to make dinner together in the evening.

No fucking lunches. Again. You’ve been following me for a while and you’re asking a girl to lunch. I mean, that’s stupid. That’s on you. So if you don’t follow The Book, you shouldn’t be surprised that your approach is still not working. All I can do is suggest. And the rest is up to you. It’s your life, after all. You get to choose who’s in your life, and you also get to choose who’s not. And if you don’t behave in attractive ways consistently, women will choose to put you in friend zone or to boot you right out of their lives. That’s just the way it is. I’m just the messenger.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.