Easy & Effortless Relationships Happen When Your Goals & Values Are Aligned

Why your goals & values must be aligned to have an easy & effortless relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who wants children. His girlfriend wants kids also, but she’s on mental health medication and becomes a jack-in-the-box when she’s off them. She’s now decided she doesn’t want kids because she can’t handle being off her meds during pregnancy which is required.

He doesn’t want to leave her, but he wants a family. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

You’re obviously going to have problems when they’re not.

So this particular email is a viewer who I believe he’s written to me before. I think he’s 26, she’s 34, and she’s got some mental health issues. She’s on multiple medications. I guess originally when they started dating, she wasn’t really or didn’t seem to be interested in having kids, but because she was happy with him and he wanted children, she said she was down. However, when she went off of her medication, she became very angry, very depressed, very miserable, because she can’t be on those medications if she’s pregnant. So after a couple of months of that, they were just not getting along. She didn’t like how she felt, so she went back on the meds.

Now everything’s great. She’s nice, she’s happy again, and she’s like, “I don’t want kids.” Now he’s thinking he really does want kids, but now she doesn’t just because she doesn’t react too well when she’s not on her meds. So he’s like, “What do I do, Coach?”

Viewer Email:

Greetings, Coach! 

You responded to one of my emails in a video a few weeks back.

Short recap:

The basic gist was that my girlfriend of six years, struggles with mental health difficulties, for which she takes medication for. When we were trying for a baby, she had to come off these meds for a safe pregnancy. However, this drastically exacerbated her difficulties, causing her to become severely depressed and have almost daily outbursts of rage.

Yeah, that doesn’t sound like a lot of fun at all. Anyone that comes off of those meds, it takes many months to kind of get used to not being on them. Especially the first 30 days after they go off of them, they’re just like Jekyll and Hyde. I’ve seen it with a girlfriend of mine that did that. I saw what happened with my dad’s fiancé when she went off of hers. She was a manic depressant. She ended up offing herself. She hung herself. That was like her fifth suicide attempt since she was like 21, 22. She was in her, I think, late 50s when the fifth time was successful. Then my own mother being on and off for anti-psychotic medications in the 80s, it just didn’t end well. She was better when she was on them. She didn’t like being on them. She constantly was taking herself off of them, and she just would go full lunatic when she wasn’t taking her meds. So it’s a tough situation. Especially her body’s used to it, then she goes off of it, she’s going to be unbearable to be around.

She concluded that she can’t handle being of medication and no longer wants to try for a baby. We have been together for six years and a baby was always a shared goal of ours. 

I could have sworn he said in the last one she didn’t really care one way or another, but since things were going so well, she decided that she was excited to have a kid with him, but obviously the side effects of being off her meds are too drastic and she doesn’t want to deal with it.

She is 34 and I am 26 in April. We also have a mortgage together. Nowhere near paid off yet. 

Well, if you get a mortgage, you gotta understand the way an amortized loan works, the bank gets most of its profit in the beginning, and it’s only about halfway into your 15 years of your 30-year mortgage that about half the payment goes to principal and the other half goes to interest. It’s like 99% of it goes to interest. That’s why most people, when they go to refinance or sell their house after paying it for five or six years, they’re shocked that they really didn’t pay down anything because that’s just the way it works. So if you only had a mortgage for a couple of years, you barely even made a dent.

Present Day: 

“Jessica” has gone back on a new medication now. She is still unable to have a safe pregnancy with this medication. Her condition has stabilized and she is now being very kind, feminine and loving towards me, but a baby is still a big no.

The truth is, I absolutely do want children. I have always wanted to be a father, and although her mental health difficulties can be very challenging, I don’t have a desire to leave her. She is my best friend and I still love her. I wanted this family with her as the mother of my child. 

She has told me she would be devastated if I left and although she’d want me to be happy, she would never move on.

Well, it sounds like a little bit of emotional manipulation just trying to make you feel guilty so you don’t leave.

She has said that I alone am enough for her and she wishes that feeling was mutual. It’s not that black and white for me though. She as a woman is enough for me, but the life we always said we would build involved a family. The thought of leaving her alone is crippling me with guilt. I can vision her being extremely upset if I left her, and once again, I don’t actually want to leave her. I just don’t know if I have to at this point. 

Well, if she’s not going to be off her medications, she’s just not going to be able to have kids herself. So your two choices: You can adopt or you can get a surrogate, which is extremely expensive. Basically they’ll take her eggs out. Then basically you’ll you rub one out in a cup, they’ll mix them together and then implant them inside the surrogate and hopefully the eggs take.

A lot of couples do that. Even Tony Robbins did that. I remember back in the day, 20 something years ago when I was a platinum partner, Tony had adult kids by that point, and he was like, “I don’t want any more children.” He had a young hot wife, Sage, who I think at the time it was like 2004, she was 26, 27, maybe 27, 28, something like that. She wanted kids and they were really butting heads over that, but they eventually worked it out and agreed no more children. However, during COVID and the lockdowns, when they were home a lot and he wasn’t able to do seminars and stuff anymore, they basically came to a meeting of the minds and decided to have a child through a surrogate. He’s like almost exactly 10 years older than me. I’m 56, he’s 66 now. So he was 63 back then. I think it was 63, 62 maybe. So I guess his daughter must be about six years old.

So they got a surrogate and had a baby through a surrogate. He’s a dad again, and eventually Sage got what she wanted. She’s a lovely woman, so I think it’s great she gets what she wants. As he got older, he got a little softer. What else are you going to do with your life? You know, he’s got more money than he could ever spend. He’s very successful. Just imagine how much better of a father he’ll be in his 60s than he was when he was in his 20s and he didn’t know anything. So I’m sure his daughter will grow up and be amazing like his other kids are pretty awesome too. So people do it all the time, but they’re extremely wealthy and they can afford it. So I don’t know what your situation is, but that’s your choice. You can get a surrogate or you can adopt.

So if having a family is that important, then the question becomes, “Does she want to be a mom with a surrogate or adoption?” If she’s not interested in any one of those two options, well then obviously your goals and values aren’t actually aligned. If having a family together was that big of a deal and the only stumbling block is her mental health and her medications and the only options are adoption or surrogate, and she doesn’t want to do either one of those, well then it’s pretty clear through her actions she doesn’t actually want to have kids. In that case, if it was me and having a family is that important, I mean, you’re 26. You’re a baby. You got plenty of time to decide this, but obviously she’s 34. So if you’re gonna take the eggs out, you better do it soon.

Again, you’re going to have to have a heart-to-heart with her and see where she’s at, because those are basically your only two choices. If she’s not going to carry the child herself, somebody else is going to have to do it, or you should just adopt kids. If she doesn’t want either one of those options and family’s that important, I would tap out and leave. It’s as hard as it is, but at the end of the day, if she’s not willing to follow through on her commitments, it doesn’t really matter.

You had to leave a woman you love over different life goals, as mentioned in the book. Would you stay with someone you loved in my situation? 

Well, if it was me and I was in your situation, then it’s one or the other if it’s that important. If she doesn’t want to adopt and she doesn’t want to do a surrogate, then yeah, I would leave.

If not, what would you advise for me going forward into my new life? Do I need to be clear about having kids quite early on? Or is that still the woman’s department to bring up?

Well, obviously when you’re dating, at some point in the first few dates you’re like, “Do you want kids? Do you want a family? Do you have a family? Do you have kids?” Those conversations are going to come up. If you absolutely want to be a father, you say, “Yeah, someday with the right girl, I definitely want to be a dad.” That’s all you need to say. It’s not like you hide it, but that’s part of vetting when you date, are your goals and values aligned? Do you guys want the same things? If she’s really young and she’s like, “Oh, I don’t want kids, she may change her mind. Usually 25, 26 is when women that are diametrically opposed, they don’t want anything to do with kids, all of a sudden change their mind.

I’ve had a lot of friends watch their daughters grow up, and they were like that. When they’re teenagers in their early 20s, they were like, “I don’t want kids. I can’t stand them.” Then as soon as they hit 25, 26, you’re like, “Oh, babies! I want a baby. Babies are cute. I want to be a mom!” It just changes. If your woman’s older and she’s in her late 20s, early 30s, mid 30s, and she’s still like, “I hate kids. I don’t want them,” I would not stay with that woman. If a family is that important to you.

As you say, “What you fear, you attract.” Nonetheless, this experience of being with someone for six years thinking you were headed for the same goal to have the rug pulled, has left me questioning what lessons I can learn from this. 

Thank you for all that you do, Corey. I can’t wait to hear your thoughts. 

Kind Regards, 

Bob

Well, like I said, you got two choices. If I were you, in the relatively near future, I’d sit down and just say, “Well, I definitely want to have a family. I’m committed to this. You said you were committed to it, but obviously because of the health situation and the medication, it’s just not going to work. I want you to be happy. I want you to stay in your meds. So our choices are either to adopt or to get a surrogate. How do you feel about that?” If she’s just diametrically opposed, well then you got your answer. So then it becomes a gut check. How important is family to you? I mean, it seems pretty clear in your email that it’s really important to you.

So have that heart-to-heart in the very near future. If she’s down, then you can take that next step together. If she’s not, well you’re going to have to pull the plug and start over. Dude, you’re 26. You got plenty of time. Just not with her. Again, if you’re going to opt for a surrogate, her window is closing really fast because she’s already 34. So she’s got maybe, I don’t know how many years left or how many eggs she’s got left. Obviously the doctors can advise her, but you better figure that out really quickly if you’re going to adopt and it doesn’t really matter. You can do that whenever, ideally sooner rather than later.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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