How you can use the fact that eventually, every man gets bored of his woman to help create and maintain romantic attraction.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says that his girlfriend sometimes becomes cold and distant. From the content in his email, you can tell that he is obsessed and focused on dating and relationship labels and where he stands with his “girlfriend.” This is causing her to act hot and cold and as a result he is in a constant state of fear and doubting himself and what he should and shouldn’t do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I believe I did a coaching session with this guy around last summer. I remember he was way over pursuing this woman. He dated her for a couple of years, and she basically blew him off, broke up with him, and then she started dating somebody else. Then they didn’t date or talk for a year, year and a half, and then they ended up running into each other again and started seeing one another. So, as he was telling me how things progressed throughout the relationship, he was always doing 70-80% of the pursuing the whole way through.
Whenever I hear that when I’m doing a phone session with somebody, I know it’s just a matter of time before they get friend-zoned or the woman says, “I’m not feeling it,” or “there’s not enough chemistry there,” and that kind of thing. And obviously, that’s what ended up happening.
What was interesting is that I had a hard time pointing out the fact that the guy was not following what How To Be A 3% Man teaches, what he had learned in the book. He couldn’t see that he was way over pursuing her. It was really hard for him to accept that and admit that, and that was a big part of what was causing her to lose interest and then eventually dump him, because her feelings were gone, and date somebody else.
In a matter of weeks of them breaking up, she was already in a relationship with somebody else. And then, obviously, he started dating her again, but he was having the same problems. He was just over pursuing. He’s a very successful guy, but he just has a big ego and has a hard time admitting when he is doing something wrong.
The theme of the video, Eventually, Every Man Gets Bored Of His Woman, I use this a lot when I’m doing phone sessions with guys that are behaving this way. You’ve got to think of, how would you be treating her if you were bored with her, if you were already tired of her, if you were maybe even thinking about breaking up with her or unsure if you wanted to continue dating? Because that vibe, that mindset, can help a guy shift out of it and back off enough to where he stops smothering the woman he’s dating.
I’m wondering what the heck is up with my girlfriend. We’ve been dating now around 5 months, and I have noticed that lately she sometimes goes somewhat cold for what appears to be no reason. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m discussing “our relationship” when we’re together, (sometimes I say things like “I’m certain we’ll grow old together” when she asks me if I think we will)…
Well, just the fact that you’re a couple of lines in on your email and you’re focused on the relationship, that’s obviously a big flag. And the fact that you’re going, “What the heck is up with my girlfriend,” means you’re too obsessed on where you stand with her.
An example I like to use a lot, because it’s so familiar for most people just having gone through the holidays again, is a movie from 1946 called, “It’s a Wonderful Life.” It’s black and white, it’s old, it’s kind of hokey in ways, but what I liked about the movie is that you get to see this love story develop from these two characters from when they’re a little boy and little girl, and the little girl has a crush on the little boy that’s a couple of years older.
She kind of has it in her mind that, “I’m going to marry him someday and I’m going to have his babies.” That’s kind of like her theme. She kind of schemes and plans the whole movie to make that happen, and that’s obviously what happens in the movie.
It’s a beautiful love story, but the thing that you notice is Jimmy Stewart’s character is not focused on that at all. He doesn’t want anything to do with staying in the little town. He wants to move away, wants to see the world. He’s got big dreams and goals, big plans, big things he wants to accomplish.
And obviously, he’s enamored with this beautiful woman now. They start spending time together, the chemistry happens and the sparks fly. They just did a good job of kind of naturally seeing how they looked at one another, how they got close, and being close the sparks started flying. It’s very rare to see that in especially today’s movies.
But the theme you notice is Donna Reed’s character is always seeking the attention and validation of Jimmy Stewart’s character. And she’s a good woman, a good wife, always kind, always submissive and always on his team, and that’s the kind of thing you want.
Whereas, when you read an email like this guy, he’s behaving like a little schoolgirl who’s got a crush on somebody, and he’s wondering why he doesn’t know where he stands with her. Number one, a man should not be focused on that because that’s feminine energy. A man should be focused on achieving his grandest goals and dreams.
…or it’s the fact that she does 100% of the pursuing and I just focus on growing my business empire and band.
Well, quite frankly, that’s not really accurate. That’s what you tell yourself. You tell yourself that you’re following the book, but having done a phone session with you, that’s not the case. And I’m pretty sure I pointed that out to you, even though you had a hard time accepting that.
I have been leaving cards once a week, and lately I have surprised her with some super sexy heels!
I believe what he’s referencing is sometimes she would complain that he never makes any effort to reach out to her, so he’ll send her a card or he’ll call her or text her out of the blue. But the fact that he’s sending a card once a week, it sounds like he’s becoming predictable and boring, doing the same thing over and over again. It’s not what I told him to do. I taught him to mix it up, but he’s not listening.
How would this guy be acting if he was bored of her? He wouldn’t be in such a rush. He wouldn’t be worrying about all these things. Like I said, his whole mindset is “Where do I stand with her? Is this going to turn into a long-term relationship?” And that’s part of what led to him getting dumped the first time around.
It seems like when I’m somewhat affectionate when we’re together she goes a little cold for a few days afterward and might not text me until the day after we see each other.
Well, you’ve got to remember, he was already with this woman once before, and he over pursued her to the point where she got turned off. And so, this is his weakness. He’s over pursuing because he’s insecure about himself and doubts what he brings to the table. And obviously, he’s obsessed with his girl and really into her. He got rejected the first time around, and rejection tends to breed obsession.
So, a lot of the things that turned her off and led to him getting friend-zoned and blown off for another guy eventually, he’s still exhibiting those same behaviors, even though he might not think so. Because the email is, “I didn’t do anything wrong. What’s with this girl?” And that was kind of the same vibe that he was trying to give me when I was doing a phone session with him.
You can bullshit yourself, but you can’t bullshit me. I can see right through it, because all I’ve got to do is look at what you’re doing and saying and what she’s doing and saying, and that tells me everything.
When she does text or call me, she seems a little cold, almost like she’s upset that I haven’t reached out, (might be my thinking).
Well, if she’s acting cold and we know you have a problem with over pursuing and calling and texting too much, and in the previous line you just said, “It seems like when I’m somewhat affectionate when we’re together she goes a little cold for a few days afterward.” In other words, you’re communicating constantly that you’re way more into her than she is into you, and then she backs off.
What’s going on here is he’s trying to absolve himself from any blame and say that it’s not his fault. It’s somebody else’s fault or maybe there’s something wrong with what I taught him, what’s in the book, but he’s over pursuing. He just said, when he’s affectionate she gets cold to him, but notice what he says next.
But when I’m somewhat stoic and indifferent when were together, she is hitting me up within an hour of seeing each other, telling me how in love she is with me.
It’s pretty simple and obvious. You’re still doing the same things wrong that you were doing when I did the first phone session with you six or eight months ago. You’ve got to let women do most of the calling, texting and pursuing.
Again, like Jimmy Stewart’s character, he wasn’t focused on a relationship. He’s resistant to that. He pulls away from anything to do with settling down and getting married, because to him, part of that would mean that’s the end of his dreams. But the reality and the tone of the movie was that the town needed him.
He was the main man in town. Him and his family and their savings and loan business were a big reason why the town had actually grown and flourished so much, because they had touched so many lives, even though he was trying to escape from that, if you will.
But he still did what was necessary, because his father dies suddenly in the movie and then he has to take over. His brother is in college, and he’s like, “Okay, well my brother is in college. He’s going to come back here, run the family business, and then I’m going to go off to college, get to see the world and do all those things.”
And then, what ends up happening is his brother comes back a war hero, he’s married, he’s got this great job opportunity out of town, and he’s like, “Okay, well I guess I’m going to stay here and keep running the family business,” because everybody depends on him for their jobs and their livelihood. It’s a really cool story.
But the point being, he can tell when he does things right and he follows the book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” which you can read for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com, it works. And when he doesn’t, when he starts acting like a woman, she becomes unsure, she becomes distant, and so he’s vacillating back and forth. And that’s what’s getting in the way of her falling head over heels in love with him.
He does things right, she comes in closer. He gets too over eager, too over zealous, because deep down he doesn’t feel like he’s good enough for her, and then he starts chasing her out of his life again. She starts losing interest, becoming unsure, not as open to getting together. It’s just interesting how we tend to bullshit ourselves and we ignore what we’re doing. We tell ourselves it’s something else and we can’t accept responsibility that we fucked it up or we made a mistake.
A big part of being successful in life is recognizing when you’re making errors, so you can learn from them. Because if you don’t learn from your mistakes, you’ll keep making them and you’ll keep experiencing pain. And typically, the pain gets worse and worse as the years go on until you have some kind of crisis where you recognize, okay, and you’re finally able to admit to yourself that the way you’ve been showing up is wrong.
The best mindset is, how would you behave if you were bored with her? If you’re feeling insecure, nervous and worried about where you stand, and you want to text or call to find out where you stand with her, how would you be acting if you were bored with her? You’d be glad you weren’t hearing from her.
You’d be like, “Ahh, I have some peace now. I can get some things done that I want done. I can go hang out with the boys. I could maybe do a little traveling. I can go hang out and catch up with my family, or maybe my friends that I’ve neglected. Maybe I can finally have time to clean out my garage or reorganize my shop out back or build my man cave” or whatever it happens to be.
How would you act, how would you behave? What would you say, what would you do? What would the tone of your voice be if you were kind of bored already? The reality is, the longer you’re with somebody, you’re going to get bored with her. And you know what, she’ll get bored with you too. It happens in relationships. It’s part of the ebb and flow, and that’s why having healthy time and space away from each other helps create that desire again.
This guy, if he doesn’t cool it, if he doesn’t knock it off, this chick… who quite frankly from everything he shared, I was thinking, she belongs to the streets! But hey, he really cares for her and wants to keep dating her. They were together for a year and a half, and she started dating somebody else within a matter of weeks after splitting up and she was in a relationship. He wanted to get her back after she dumped him, and then he found out she was taken.
And now she’s back, and more than likely what will happen is her interest drops and she starts entertaining invitations from other guys. At the end of the day, that’s how she behaves when her interest is low, she talks to other men. She invites attention from other men. Me, personally, that’s not the kind of woman I would want to be getting serious with. There’s a lot of women that behave that way in the world, unfortunately, but guys think, “Hey, I’m going to be different. I’m such a good guy, she wouldn’t do that to me.”
If you haven’t read “How To Be A 3% Man” or my second book “Mastering Yourself,” you can read them both for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter. And if you’ve got a problem or a challenge that you’d like to get my help with, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“Men should focus on becoming the kind of men that women notice due to their success and competency at life and getting what they want. Men who want to improve their social lives and pool of potential dating prospects should be focused on creating a great life and lifestyle for themselves. Being successful at creating a life and lifestyle you are proud of is the hallmark of a competent, successful and desirable man. This will put you in a position of choice with women because they will be seeking your attention and validation hoping to win you over.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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