Everything Is Fine In Our Relationship Except The Intimacy

Some things to consider if intimacy is lacking in your relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss a email from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend for three years. She told him upfront she had an abusive ex and that she wondered if she was asexual because she had a low sex drive. He says everything is working fine in the relationship, but he’s frustrated that she almost never initiates sex.

He says he always has to do it. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend for three years. However, you gotta listen to people when they tell you who they are. She told him up front she had an abusive ex and that she often wondered if she was asexual because she said she had a low sex drive. That’s not the kind of thing you hear in a woman go, “Oh, I got a low sex drive, and I think I may be asexual.” “Well, let me try to fix this.” Like you got to pay attention to those things. She just told you up front who she was. Now obviously, whatever happened in the past, that sucks, that’s unfortunate, but it’s her job to fix herself if she needs to go to therapy or counseling for that so she can get back to kind of being normal. Then she needs to do it. You shouldn’t be thinking, “Hey, I’m Captain Save-A-Hoe. I got Corey’s awesome book here. I can just fix this messed up girl with it.”

So you got to pay attention to those things because he’s three years down the line now and he says everything’s great in the relationship. She’s opened up a lot. He doesn’t seem like he ever gets rejected for it, but she like, almost never initiates or does anything sexual or touches him sexually. It’s always him having to initiate it, and after three years, he’s kind of tired of it. I was like, “Well, she kind of told you up front who she was.” The book is for normal, healthy women, not messed up women. You got to see reality as it is.

Let’s go through his email and see if there’s something he can do to resolve this, maybe a little bit of a communication issue.

Viewer Email:

Hey! Coach,

I’m having a hard time understanding my situation with my girlfriend. We’ve been together for almost three years, and overall our relationship is great. We trust each other, communicate well, and everything is working fine except for one issue: intimacy.

My girlfriend’s ex was very abusive and controlling. He was insecure, prevented her from meeting new people and making friends, and whenever they had sex, he often pressured or forced her into it. This left her with significant trauma and made her very protective of herself.

So why didn’t she go get professional help for that? She’s got unresolved trauma. She should go see somebody that can help her. Therapists, psychologists, whatever happens to be.

She has told me that even before that relationship, she never really felt a strong desire for intimacy or sex, which sometimes made her wonder if she was asexual.

Again, when you hear something like that, “Yeah, I don’t really enjoy sex,” if you make her cum over and over and over, but she’s still like “Ehh,” why would you want to continue with that? But he probably focused on how much he liked her. He thought, “I can work with this. In time, she’ll see what a great guy I am, and then she’ll want to fuck all the time.”

Well, love is playful and fun and relationships that go well, at least two to three times a week you’re having sex, and when that’s happening, you’re just used to always touching each other. I mean, just walking up in the kitchen. Maybe your girl is preparing something in the counter and you walk up behind her, put your arms around her, and your hands just go down her pants and start playing with her clit for a little bit. You get her a little moist, get her a little wet, you finger her a little bit, and then you go, “Finger lickin good, babe.” You get her wound up, a little bit turned on. You’re not trying to fuck her. You’re just enjoying the playful sexual teasing. Then you may be talking to her and she may just come by and she’s walking by and she may just reach out her hand as she’s walking by you, run her hand up your thigh and then grab your cock, massage it a little bit. It gets a little stiff and then she walks away.

That’s part of what foreplay is all about, because again, if you’re having sex two or three times a week, you’re in constant contact, you’re waking up together, you’re waking up with morning wood. It’s very advantageous. One of my favorite things to do with morning wood, she’s laying on her side. I just shimmy up behind her and put the hot dog right between her nice little bun and just move my hips back and forth a little bit. Pretty soon she’ll be getting moist, and then I can reach around the front and then slide myself right in. That’s always fun. That’s how sex is. You never want to let morning wood go to waste.

If you’re good in bed and women like having sex with you, then they’re pretty much open to you. They’re pretty much always going to be down. You shower together. You’re just always together and touching each other, just coming up to her and put your arms around her and play with her boobs a little bit, playing with her nipples, getting them hard and just being amused at that. Then nothing comes from that. You don’t try to have sex, you’re just kind of playfully touching and teasing each other, but you notice if you go and you start playing with her a little bit and she starts grabbing you tightly back, well it’s fucking on because then she’s getting a little aroused because that’s all it really is, is just arousing her.

I mean, I went into extensive detail on a video newsletter I did about a month ago or in the past month on that. I can’t remember if it was a member’s video or it was one of the free ones. I went really in extensive detail on sexualness, playfulness, and getting your girl turned on, because that’s part of it. If you’re having sex two or three times a week, you’re going to be touching each other and nudging each other playfully throughout the week. Maybe one day you just pull her pants down, or maybe she’s naked and you give her cunnilingus in the bed first thing in the morning. Just make her cum a few times and that’s it. Then you go do something else. Then maybe later that day, you give her the meat missile.

So part of it is you want her to enjoy your sexual content. If your sexual contact is not very fun or stimulating, then yeah, she’s not going to be too into it. I’ve never dated anybody that I had that issue with like this guy has, because that’s one of the things I learned early on how to please a woman, and once you’ve broken that barrier and you’re together and you’re not in your head, it’s pretty easy. The legs are always open or always have been open, but it’s an art to keeping them open because you got to know how to do it. There’s specific things to do that. Sometimes you just got to sit there and you got to listen to her go on and on for about 30 minutes about nothing and just listen to her. At least look like you’re listening to her occasionally. Repeat some of it back to her, and then she’s gonna hug you and kiss you and, “Oh, I’m so glad we talked. It feels so much better.” Then you start making out, then the clothes come off and boom! Now you’re having sex. Sometimes just waiting and being patient with it is fine.

When I came into her life, I provided a safe and comfortable environment, and she has told me many times that I’m the person who makes her feel like a woman and that she no longer thinks of herself as asexual.

Well that’s interesting. So that tells me she is getting turned on.

However, throughout our entire relationship, I have always been the one initiating intimacy as you suggest it must always be the man’s idea.

No, that’s not what I said. I said sex must be the man’s fault. Usually that’s in the beginning when you first start dating somebody and you hook up for the first time. So what does that tell me? How well does he know the book? So there’s probably things that he doesn’t know because that little nuance, “Well, sex always has to be the man’s idea.” So that’s his operating system for three years when in reality, that really is kind of something that applied in the beginning, which is until you have sex, then it’s got to be your fault. The woman has to be able to blame you. In other words, you kept playing with her clit while she was trying to make pancakes in the kitchen and she called you a jerk and goes into the bathroom, takes out her tampon, cleans herself up a little bit, and walks out and starts sucking your cock. Then you have sex.

That’s what typically happens in a healthy relationship, especially if a girl is like, “Oh, I’m on my period.” It’s like, “I don’t care. I got my red wings, babe, a long time ago.” She says, “I got bad cramps. Are you sure?” And you keep massaging her, you keep teasing her and she says, “You jackass,” and then goes and takes her tampon out and then has sex with you because you got her turned on. It’s the art of getting her turned on and getting her wet. That’s part of the fun of it.

The other thing is you get to a point, especially in a long-term relationship, where you know her on and off switch. Some girlfriends I’ve had, their nipples are so erotic and so sensitive, I just go and start playing with them a little bit and there and then 30 seconds later, my hand goes down her pants and it’s dripping wet. Other girls, it’s sticking your tongue in their ear or touch them in the smaller back, making out, heavy petting, or massaging their clit through the yoga pants. Every girl’s a little different. That’s part of the fun of a new relationship, is you get to know somebody. You get to know really quickly what her attraction strategy is and how to turn her on. So she’s always open to you, provided there is no communication issues or things where she felt like you haven’t listened or you haven’t taken the time to open her up, because as we know, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open. When she doesn’t, the legs are going to close.

So right there, that tells me he probably doesn’t know the book that well. Maybe he went through it a couple times, felt it didn’t apply to him, he didn’t need to read it 10 to 15 times, he started getting laid right away and he’s like, “Man, I got this! This is easy-peasy! I don’t need to read it 10 to 15 times,” and there’s probably a lot of little things where he’s got a knowledge gap and he doesn’t even realize it.

I understand her past and have been patient, but after nearly three years, it has started to wear on me because I still don’t see much desire or initiative from her side.

Well again, it’d be a good idea for you to go back through the book because maybe some light bulbs will go off because again, just that one little thing, sex must always be the man’s idea, you’ve been in a relationship for three years, and that’s your operating system. That’s not what I teach. I said, sex must be the man’s fault. That’s usually when you haven’t slept together yet, but in a long-term relationship, you got her turned on. It’s kind of a game. Especially if you can tell she’s not, “I’m not really in the mood.” It’s like. “Really? Are you sure you’re not in the mood?” Because then it’s kind of like a challenge. It’s kind of fun because you don’t really care if you have sex or not. You’d like to, but just the fact maybe she’s a little cranky or she’s telling you she’s not really in the mood, then it’s kind of a game. Then it’s like, “Oh really? What if I touch you here? Or if I touch you there?” If I do this or if I do that, and eventually what you get, you get a little crack of a smile, and then she starts squirming a little bit, and then she closes her eyes and she starts moaning a little bit. Then she gets into it and she says, “You’re an ass.” Then she takes her clothes off and has sex with you, because why? It’s your fault. She didn’t want sex, but you turned her on, and therefore she had to have your dick inside of her. Especially like when you’re doing cunnilingus and you’re going down on a girl and you’re making her cum, then she grabs you and she’s like, “I want you inside me now,” and she’s had enough of it. She wants you inside her. She wants to feel all your strength, but it’s an art.

You have to learn these things. You have to go through it. You have to do trial and error. Part of being a man and a good lover is understanding how to get a woman turned on, even when she doesn’t really seem to be that turned on. Then if she always has a good experience when you have sex, she’s gonna like being touched by you because she knows when you touch her, it fucking feels wonderful. So it’s important. If you’re finishing first and she’s finishing last or not at all, then it happens too many times and you don’t have the sensory acuity or the self-awareness to realize she didn’t get off, that’s just kind of dumb. A man’s job in the bedroom is to make sure the woman’s satisfied. You want her walking away, gushing to her girl friends, her sister, her best friend, or her female co-workers about how good you are in bed. It’s great for your reputation, and it’s nice for your ego, too.

To be clear, everything else between us is wonderful. She is loyal, open with me, and shares everything about her life. My question is: Should I bring this issue up and have an honest conversation with her, even though I don’t want to hurt her feelings? Or should I continue being patient and hope that intimacy develops naturally over time?

Well, something needs to change. Obviously, you need to change what you’re doing or you need to have a conversation with her.

So from a coaching perspective, because he also says…

From my perspective, though, three years feels like a very long time to wait.

Bob

Well, you’re waiting and you have unmet needs. Women aren’t a mind reader. Again, just because of that one thing about you saying that sex has always got to be the man’s idea, that’s the nuance of what happens when you don’t read the book 10 to 15 times. You read it once and you get a complete misread of what the statement was and what it was in regards to. So now you have a completely wrong view of something that I teach, it’s causing a problem for you. I say 10 to 15 times for a reason, to avoid little mistakes like this. So this is why I want you to go back through the book, because there will probably be some things when you go back through the book and you go, “Oh shit, I am doing that. OK, no wonder.”

So first we want you to clean up your behavior and make sure you’re acting consistent with the way the book lays it out, and once you know you’re doing all that, then what you can do is have a conversation with her. Just tell her what you like. Say, “You know, we’ve been together three years. I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I’d really like it if two or three times a week you grab my cock and start sucking it. Or if I’m sitting there watching TV, you come over, pull my pants down and give me a blowjob and a nice happy finish and then clean me up, pull my pants back up, and give me a nice ice cold beer. Make me a sandwich, take good care of me. Or maybe other times you come over and just pull my pants off, straddle me, and ride me cowboy style, just randomly. It’s your job as my girl also to make sure I’m sexually pleased and I’m always making sure you’re sexually pleased, and I would like a little more reciprocation than you have been. Now, you do occasionally initiate, but I want more. I want at least multiple times a week because I want to feel wanted too. It’s my job to please you as your man, and it’s your job as my woman to please me. So this is what I would like. This is what how I would like it,” and see if she does that. Then you can take it from there.

Like I said, clean up your behavior first. Make sure you’re doing everything you should be doing and making sure she’s getting turned on, because the reality is if she’s a normal, healthy woman, especially when she’s like, “Well, I don’t actually think I’m asexual anymore,” that tells me she enjoys sex, she likes sex. So it may just be a communication issue, but before you do the communication, make sure you’ve handled your behavior first. If you’re doing everything you can to be maximally attractive, then really it’s just asking for the order, but if you’ve been doing things and you go, “Oh shit, I’m not doing that. I’m not doing this. No wonder she’s not that horny,” and then you clean up that behavior, the sex issue might go away. She might just walk up to you in the house one day and start massaging your cock and kissing you and making out with you. Pretty simple.

So clean up your behavior first, and then once that’s done, if the issue still persists, then have a conversation and tell her explicitly and specifically what you would love for her to do several times a week. Don’t complain and don’t whine, “Well, you never do this. You never do that.” Just say, “I would like it if you do this more,” and how many times a week. If she’s a good woman, she’s a giver, she’s flexible, and you explain things like I did, like you go out of your way to make sure she’s satisfied. If you don’t ask her, “Is there something you’d like for me to do to you or do to you more? A different position? Different things we do in the bedroom?” I mean, you’re in a relationship to meet each other’s needs. So you gotta have a healthy communication about what you each like.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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