Ex Fiancee Contacted Me After 5 Months Of No Contact

How to handle your ex breaking no-contact after five months.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who broke up with his fiancée five months ago. She reached out in February of this year to wish him happy birthday. He tried inviting her to fly to see him. She said she was broke and offered to send his stuff back. He shares his conversation thread and asks for a critique of his responses.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who broke up with his fiancée about five months ago, and he’s in the military, so an additional wrinkle that he has is he’s obviously deployed on a base overseas or he’s in another country. She reached out for his birthday after five months of no contact. So he invited her to come see him. She declined, saying her finances, she couldn’t afford it, basically. He turned around and said, “Hey, well when your finances get straightened out, hit me up. I’d love to see you.” Then she starts talking about sending his stuff back. It doesn’t sound like it’s really much that he left behind. So what he’s doing is basically saying, “You can keep it. You can throw it away. You can pawn it. I don’t need it.” Then he ends up ultimately giving her his address.

So this just shows it doesn’t always go the way you want. When a woman breaks no contact, maybe she’s just feeling them out, especially if it’s like a shirt or two and it’s like not really a big deal. So he’s creating the opportunity where she could just send everything back, if that’s all she wants, then maybe he never hears from her again. He sends in the text exchange because he wanted me to go over and critique how he handled it. At the end of the day, you’re open to potentially giving her another chance. He doesn’t go into what led to the breakup or anything. He’s just new to my work and he’s in no-contact and this is the first thing he’s heard. So maybe she really is just reaching out to give him his stuff back because she’s done, but also it’ll be interesting to see if she actually does that, because sometimes women will say that and all they’re really trying to do is find out if you’re still available or still open to seeing them. Maybe they’re dating somebody else at this point or whatever. So it’s like you’re kind of calling their bluff.

Remember, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. You invite her to come see you, but she says, “Well, I just want to send your stuff back,” it’s like, “Great! You could throw it away, pawn it. It doesn’t matter.” He ultimately sends her his address. He just has a “take it or leave it” kind of attitude. Obviously, it’s probably nothing really that important. If she sends it back, then maybe he never hears from her again. Or if she doesn’t send it back, maybe she’s going to bring it with her. So he kind of leaves the possibility open either way, and I think he actually does a pretty good job of responding to this, because she doesn’t really give him much to go on. So until more time passes, we won’t know if she was just reaching out and fishing to see if he’s open to seeing her. Maybe she’s starting to think about it, maybe she’s starting to miss him, we don’t know, but he did a pretty good job of responding.

Viewer Email:

Hello Corey,

My name is Bob,

I would like your help on a situation that I am currently going through with my ex-fiancée. I am currently in the military and my ex-fiancée and I were together for almost two years before She broke up with me five months ago. She recently text me in February to say happy birthday, I attached the text message thread so you can get a better idea of what our conversation went like. Can you please critique me? I’ve read your book nine times so far since our breakup and started reading The Way of The Superior Man. Also we were long distance our whole relationship as I was stationed in Korea before being stationed in Hawaii and we have known each other since high school. I am 27 now and she is 25. I would really appreciate your help and advice on this matter.

Bob

Well, as they say, if somebody’s been in your life seven years or longer, typically they’re always going to be in your life, but people do come and go. If this happened in February and he’s writing this like into March, that tells me, because this happened in February, he gave her the address and if he got his stuff back, I would assume he would have mentioned that, but he doesn’t. So she didn’t send the stuff back. If she didn’t send the stuff back, then that means it’s really not that important for her to send it back, because if she was just donesies and really wanted to get him his stuff back, she would just send it and that would have been the end of it. She held on to it.

So that tells me on some level she’s considering potentially seeing him or coming to visit him because he said, “Hey, get your finances in order and hit me up. I’d love to see you.” Then she starts saying, “Well, it’s only about the stuff,” and he’s like, “Look, if you’re just calling about the stuff, you can send it back. Unless you’re interested in hanging out and potentially rekindling things, I want to move on with my life. I don’t want to keep seeing your name pop up in my phone over this.” So he basically told her, “Hey, I’m interested in romance, but if you know that’s not what you’re interested in, I’m not looking to be your pal or your friend. I don’t want to keep chit-chatting.” In other words, he’s holding her feet to the fire for romance, but the potentiality of romance, because they were engaged. So it’s not like it was a Tinder date that he went out on three dates with and she rode off into the sunset.

So there’s a 50/50 shot that she might come back. Especially, because again, if she was just done, she would have sent his stuff back and he would have had it in the letter. So I assume that she never actually did send his stuff back, because that was not her intention. She’s probably reaching out just to fish for information. Let’s just go through the short text exchange that he provides.

So she reaches out, and this is February 6th. So almost a month ago at this point. I don’t have any further emails. So obviously she clearly never sent the stuff back. So I would assume again, she’s fishing. Maybe she’s reconsidering. She’s gone five months that she hasn’t talked to her fiancé, the man at one point she was thinking and feeling that she was going to spend her whole life with him, and now she got to experience what life is like without him. Probably go out on some dates, probably has some bad dating experiences, and then she starts kind of looking through the past through rose-colored glasses.

Jessica: “Happy birthday, Bob.”

Bob: “Hey, it’s great to hear from you. Thank you for the birthday wish.”

Jessica: “It’s good to hear from you as well. Birthdays are important and I didn’t forget your birthday.”

Bob: “Oh yeah? Well, you should book a flight out to celebrate with me. When are you available?”

Jessica: “Bob, you think I can just do that?”

Bob: “You can do that and bring the green lingerie I like too. No rush though. Whenever you’re ready. It was great hearing from you. Stay in touch.”

Jessica: “Hi, Bob.”

Bob: “Did you figure out when you’d be available to come out?”

Jessica: “I can’t anytime soon due to finances, unfortunately.”

So again, it looks like a phishing email. She’s just fishing to see if he’s potentially interested, but she’s not emotionally ready to potentially do that.

Bob: “That’s understandable. I’d love to see you. So when you get your finances in order, let me know. I’ll take care of everything once you make it out. All I need you to bring is your favorite wine.”

Jessica: “Maybe we can figure something out.”

So that shows that there’s a possibility it’s stewing. So this whole exchange, you’ll see that he basically says, “Oh, this is nice, but the cake is not ready. Let me just put it back in the oven, and when the turkey baster pops out, then she’ll probably come see me.” Remember, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.

Jessica: “What do you want to do about your stuff? I would like to send the stuff to you.”

Bob: “You can add that to the list to bring with you.

1. Green lingerie.
2. Your favorite wine.
3. My stuff.

Just let me know when you get your finances together. Stay in touch.”

Jessica: “Can we figure out a plan for you to get your things?”

So now she’s kind of pushing back and testing. Again, the way to respond to this is indifference. You can take it or you can leave it. You can send it back. She could throw it away. She could pawn it. It doesn’t matter. He just says, “The invitation is basically open. I’d like to see you.” So it forces her into a conundrum, because she knows if she sends the stuff back, she’s basically saying, “Hey, have a nice life. I just contacted you because I wanted to send your stuff back.” Remember, she said, “Maybe we could figure something out.” So who knows? Maybe she’s trying to come up with the money. If she’s highly motivated, she’ll find a way to come up with enough money for a plane ticket.

Bob: “Yeah. So when you get your finances in order, we can discuss a date that works for both of us. Then you can send me the itinerary.”

Jessica: “I’d rather send your stuff.”

Bob: “That’s unfortunate. I already told you what I want. Please do not contact me unless you are open to coming out here. As always, it was great hearing from you.”

Jessica: “What would you like me to do with your stuff?”

Bob: “If it’s that pressing for you, just get rid of it.”

He’s basically saying, “I don’t care. Keep it, throw it away, give it to the homeless guy at the end of the street. Whatever. It doesn’t matter.”

Jessica: “It’s because I’m moving soon and I’m trying to get things situated. Not everything is a personal attack.”

So now she’s starting to troll him.

Bob: “Congratulations on your move. I’m not taking it personal. I just already told you what I wanted. Unless you were open to coming out here and working on rekindling what we had, there’s no reason for us to talk, as it’s hard to move on when I’m continuing to see your name in my phone.”

Jessica: “I hear you and understand that but can you understand I’m trying to move your stuff out of my space and you’re giving me absurd ultimatums.”

Again, he doesn’t care about this stuff.

Jessica: “It would be easier if you could just send a good address to ship the items and I’ll send you a receipt and tracking info so you can pay me back for it. I’m trying to get things situated.”

So he just sends the address.

Jessica: “Thank you for the address. When I get the chance to send your items, I’ll let you know.”

Bob: “You have my permission to throw this stuff away or pawn it. I appreciate you trying to send it, but I’m not interested in whatever it is.”

So again, he’s just like, “That stuff doesn’t have any value. I don’t really care,” because again, he’s just like peeling away the layers of the onion. “If it’s only why you’re contacting me, you can throw that shit away or you can send it back.” Again, a month has gone by and she hasn’t sent it back. So she’s holding on to it. If she really was like, “Hasta la vista! Have a nice life! I’m never talking to you again,” she would have just sent his stuff back or she would have thrown it away instead of just saying, “But this stuff’s valuable. Don’t you want it back?” He’s just like, “I don’t care.”

So Bob, I think you actually handled yourself really well here in this exchange because again, just the fact that she said, “Maybe we can figure something out,” but again, she’s trying to deflect. So what that tells me she’s kind of stalling for time. Meaning in the back of her mind, she’s considering going to see him, but right now, for whatever reason, maybe it’s another guy, maybe she’s not emotionally ready, but it gives her the possibility. Again, if she was just wanting to slam the door, she would have mailed the shit back or thrown it away, and he would have never heard from her. So to be continued.

Let us know if you hear from her again or what happens, or if she sends your stuff back. You got a 50/50 shot at this point and you handled yourself well. You weren’t butt-hurt. I didn’t detect any butt-hurt here, but it sounds like she was a little butt-hurt that you just didn’t really care one way or another if she sent the stuff back or not. It doesn’t sound like he even knows what it is. It probably isn’t that important. It might be like a shirt or something, maybe a pair of shoes and it’s not a big deal. So to be continued…

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