What you should do if you are dating someone who says they fear getting hurt, tries to friend zone you, runs away and then comes back, dumps you unexpectedly, and you would still like to see them romantically, but not as friends only. How to make sure you get what you want after a breakup, and whether or not you should give them another chance.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who got dumped after three months of dating a guy she liked. He made all kinds of weak statements afterwards, and basically said he broke up with her because he was afraid of getting hurt. He suggested they could be friends, or even friends with benefits. She does not want to be friend-zoned, but would like to entertain seeing him again in a romantic context.
He has texted her a few times since he dumped her, but she has ignored him. He also says he does not want to lose her. He told her he fell hard and fast for her and got scared of what may or may not happen in the future. She asks my opinion of what she should do to continue seeing him romantically, and to prevent their interactions from becoming exclusively platonic. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
Hi Coach Corey,
First of all, I would like to thank you for the invaluable life coaching advice you have to offer on your site as, well as on YouTube. I am a female, and I have been watching your videos, both on your site and on YouTube, for a while now. The advice you offer to your clients makes a lot of sense and resonates well with me compared to other relationship/life coaches I’ve been following recently. (At the end of the day, I teach stuff that works. I’ve experienced a lot of pain to learn the things that I share.)
I know most of your advice is focused on men, but I have a little question that I wanted to get your opinion on. I was in a 3-month, “no label” relationship, and the guy recently called it off. So basically, I am the “dumpee” here, Lol. He said he doesn’t want to lose me. Also, the reason he didn’t date me or make me his girlfriend is because he fell hard and fast for me and was afraid to start something serious out of the fear of getting hurt. (He’s afraid and run by his fears. What he really should be doing is facing his fears by spending time with you.) Plus, I am leaving the city in the next few months to continue my studies, so he didn’t want to start something that had a time restraint on it. By the way, these are things he said himself, not my assumptions, Lol. (It’s understandable, as you’re moving away, so you two would be in a long distance relationship.) He also said that he’d like to remain “friends” and joked about how we could perhaps do a “friends with benefits” kind of thing. I’m not sure if he was serious about it. (There’s a lot of truth in jest. He wants to continue seeing you romantically but doesn’t want to get hurt. He just doesn’t really have the balls to come out and say what he wants.) I smiled and let it pass as a joke. For reference, we both are in our late 20’s — the same age.
Now the situation is that, at that time, since I was already upset and torn by the whole breakup, emotions duh, I didn’t say anything to him about wanting to be friends with me. After the breakup, I have taken about a week off, no contact, to process the whole situation, to think rationally, and to know what I want. (You’re taking time to be present with your feelings.) After doing extensive research online and watching your videos on various relationship/breakup scenarios, I’ve decided that I don’t want to be “friend zoned” by this guy, because we never started off as such, and I am genuinely not interested in being friends-only with him. However, if he wants something intimate or romantic, he can reach out to me. (That’s the right response whether you are a man or a woman, just as I discuss in my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” If somebody pushes you out of their life, then they have to be the one to pull you back into their life.) I want to “be able to walk away and stand my ground,” as you have always advised your clients. I told you, I like your advice better! (What I teach works.) The only thing I am confused about is, I have not contacted him in about a week, during which time he texted me twice in the first couple of days, but I didn’t text back. (You never should ignore the other person. You should have told him you were not interested in a friends-only relationship.) His last text was on July 31st at 1:30 am, so I am not sure if I should just call him myself or wait for him to call/contact me again. I’m not sure if he’d do that. I would tell him that I thought about it, and I am not interested in being friends with him.
I know this is a very little thing, but I am not sure how to go about it. I would really appreciate any lead in this regard. (Give it a week or so to figure out if you want to hang out in a friends with benefits relationship until you leave town. Let him know you’re only interested in seeing him romantically.)
Many thanks and kind regards,
“People who are fearful, scared of success or failure, and who allow their fears to hijack them emotionally to the point that they run away from their dreams and dream lovers, can be extremely erratic, hot and cold to date. Many people spend their lives running away from their problems, because they perceive them to be insurmountable, unfixable, emotionally too uncomfortable to deal with or hopeless to solve due to a total lack of faith in and belief in themselves. They, in essence, resist what they really need to deal with. Therefore, it persists, and they become a prisoner to their limiting beliefs. This keeps them stagnant, not growing and not advancing towards the people, things and circumstances they want for their lives. When you encounter people who behave this way, love them and encourage them to be better versions of themselves, but give them the space to make the right choices on their own. However, it’s not your job to fix or save them. If they are unwilling to participate in their own rescue or help themselves, it’s better that you let them go, so you can find people who can lift you up, instead of dragging you down.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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