Why feminine energy is chaos and how this influences a woman’s cat like behavior in relationships.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 40 year old father of 2 young boys who is a recent widower. He is new to my work and just started reading 3% Man, for the 1st time. He has been dating a woman for several months who displays hot and cold behavior. His email perfectly illustrates how women often behave like cats and a man who does not understand this can easily get perturbed and make avoidable blunders that turn women off. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Hi, I’m coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, Feminine Energy Is Chaos.
Well I’ve got an email. This this guy is actually new to my work, but he writes in a good email because you really get to see how women are like cats, and they can be really hot and into you one day and the next day, kind of cold and distant. And this guy doesn’t know any better because he’s brand new. He’s just going through 3% Man, for the first time.
And so he’s obviously pretty bamboozled by this behavior. And so it’s a good email to go through for guys that are struggling with this. Because the last thing you want to do when a woman gets cold and distant is get bothered or perturbed or upset. You got to understand that that’s just the way they are. Women’s emotions ebb and flow like Mother Nature. It’s nothing to take personal. It’s just you recognize it.
You’re not personally diminished by it in any way. You just look at, “Hey, she’s not as excited to see me, so let me give her the gift of missing me.” And you want to kind of match and mirror those actions. So she becomes a little cold and distant. You become cold and distant. If you’re typing her a paragraph in text or in message, and she’s sending you back one line, then you should reduce your texting to even shorter than that.
If she takes longer to reply, you take slightly, a little bit longer to reply to her and just match and mirror that kind of an effort. Instead of getting upset or angry and like, like in this case, this guy started over pursuing, which is what most guys do. Because masculine energy is purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, breaking through barriers, overcoming challenges. And as guys, we were problem solvers.
We want to fix it. We notice she’s not as into it. Or maybe she seems distant. And so we think we’ve got to fix it. And we typically when we don’t know any better, we call more or we text more. We say longer texts, we say more mushy things to the girl, and she’s saying back to us. And what happens is, is the woman eventually starts to feel like she’s smothered and starts to want some space.
And so you probably heard me say many times, if you’ve been following me for a while. We talk about Thích Nhất Hạnh’s quote, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” And so when a woman backs off, you should be as indifferent to that as the weather changing, especially when it changes not to your liking. If you’re hoping for a sunny day, and then it’s raining instead. So with that said, let’s go through his email.
My name is Bob, I am 40 years old live in the UK. I was widowed in December 2022, I have two boys aged 11 and 6 years old.
I am currently listening to your Audiobook How To Be A 3% Man for the first time and really enjoying it. I completely understand that I need to read to the 10-15 times to really understand the content. However, I have the following question I kindly ask you to address either in your newsletter or with a reply to this email.
Well whenever you guys send these emails into the questions inbox. If you’re sending it in there, you’re basically saying, “Hey, please answer my email in a video newsletter.” I don’t answer emails for free just because there’s just way too many of them. And plus, I don’t even do email coaching anymore.
But if it’s a good email, I’ll answer it in a video newsletter. And if you’ve got a question you want to send in, keep the 500 words ideally or less and send it to [email protected] And that’s relationships with an S.
Number one: I have been dating a lady who I met on Father’s Day while I was having lunch with my two boys. She was serving us, and I really liked her. While I went to pay the bill, I asked if I could take her out for a drink, she said, “Yes why not” and gave me her number. Later on, that evening after I knew she was off shift and called her and arranged a date. Fast forwarding a little. I also have two boys aged 13 and 5. Her youngest son happened to attend the same school as my two boys. After two months of dating her and having sleep overs at her house with my two boys she started to act cold towards me.
And I would say this is probably due more so to his over pursuing. And the other thing the book talks about, and I would assume this light bulb probably went off. Hopefully when he went through it for the first time, that men should never do more than 20 to 30% of the pursuing. It’s true that we start the ball rolling in the courtship, but the way the book talks about is just one day a week.
That’s all a guy is really just going to try to do no more than one day a week until she starts reaching out to him a day or two after their previous date, and then you just assume she misses you and wants to see you and make the next date. And then typically with most women, most normal, healthy women, you get 3 or 4 weeks in.
They’re texting you just about every day or calling you every day or FaceTiming you or whatever, and that just makes it easy to either invite them over that night. It doesn’t always have to be a big production date. You can just say, “Hey, come over.”
You know, if she texts you at 6:00 and you don’t have any plans, she’s like, “What are you doing?” I was like, “Hanging out with the kids. You just come over, bring yours over, and let’s have a sleepover. We’ll make dinner for everybody. Put them to bed and if you play your cards right, maybe you’ll get a little kissy poo later.” Just like that. Have fun, easy going, easy to get along with.
Remember, hang out. Have fun. Hook up. That’s it. You’re not there to lock her down. Get her into a commitment. You’re just there to create an opportunity for sex to happen. And when she’s feeling it, when she feels in love. And it’s typically week 6 or 7. If you’re following what’s in the book that a woman is going to be in love and start bringing up the topic of exclusivity, or, “Hey, where’s this going” kind of conversation?
So with that in mind, so what’s happening here is she’s getting a little cold. And so when you notice the enthusiasm drop, you want to match in mirror that this discussed in the book. But again this guy has only been through it once. So you got to understand when we’re kind of like cats, you don’t take this behavior personally. I mean, there are obviously going to be instances where maybe she’s really upset at you. And you say, “Hey, you seem a little cold” or not a little cold.
You say, “Hey, you seem a little distant. What’s up? Something on your mind? Something bothering you? You want to talk?” And she may give you some vague answer, but it typically what happens, like in this case, you’re going to notice that she seems less accommodating to make room in her schedule for you. She takes longer to reply. Her messages replying to your text gets shorter than yours, and so you’ve got to pay attention to that.
Women like you more if they think that they like you more than you like them. But obviously in this case, I can just tell that she knows that he’s way more into her than she’s into him. It takes time for a woman to fall in love, and you cannot rush the process. And us guys are again, we’re driven to solve problems and so we try to fix that instead of understanding, hey, if you’re baking a cake in the oven, you just got to let it be.
Don’t open the door every five minutes. And go, “Is it done yet?” Because then you let all the heat out, all that sexual anticipation if you will. And then you just kind of reset the process. It takes time for the oven to heat back up again, for the anticipation to come back, and the interest to go back up. And you just have to learn to be patient. This is why you should be focused on your mission, your purpose. Like in this case, this guy’s got two boys.
That’s a full time job in itself. And he’s got his purpose, his mission, his friends, his family. Plus, he has to work out and take care of himself and control the controllable. As I talk about in Mastering Yourself. So back to our email.
In August the kids and I met up with her, her kids and a few of her friends for dinner.
So you’re doing group dates again? This is before we found out about The Book, but I wouldn’t be going out on group dates with people outside of just you, until she’s head over heels in love with you and exclusive. Because and I’ve done so many emails over the years, a lot of guys get themselves into troubles.
They go out with a girl a few times, and then she starts inviting them to group dates with their friends. Oftentimes there’s dudes that are in those groups that are carrying a torch for the girl that you’re dating, and they’ll try to sandbag your success. Or maybe you say something and one of the girls doesn’t like you, that’s a friend of hers.
And then without realizing it, you just totally cock blocked yourself. So you want her emotionally bonded to you, and in love with you, and asking to be your girlfriend, before you start doing the group text. Because if you start doing it too early on, there’s a good chance you go out and you do one of these group things, because I’ve done plenty of emails as well.
Guys go out and I drink a little too much and they say or do stupid things, and they act like an ass. And then the whole girls peer group totally turns against the guy. And since she’s not that emotionally bonded to him, “Pssht.” She dips out and he blew all his chances with her.
After we parted, I sent her a text good night and I got no response not normal.
So this is where he really starts going bananas and over texting. And, you know, because dating is like tennis, you send one text and you got to wait for her to reply. And he didn’t do that here. But again, he’s going on a group date and obviously the group date did not go well. Instead of her being more excited about him, she’s less excited because she doesn’t even respond to his texts.
Then I texted the next morning without a response. I sent a message every day and also a message asking what happened and if it was something I did.
So what you should have done is when you text her good night and she doesn’t respond, then I would not do anything until you hear from her next. Obviously her interest has dropped for whatever reason. And you went on a group date and like I said, I’ve just gotten countless emails where from guys over the last almost 20 years, I’ve been doing this to where things are going well, they go out on a group date with their friends.
They’re not exclusive yet. And then right after that, she goes totally cold on them. Because they did or they said something. Or maybe in this case, he invited himself to go on the group date, and it wasn’t like she was really excited to have him there. So she kind of felt like she was losing her freedom because he’s kind of imposing. I’m just making an assumption here in this case.
But it’s just kind of that happens as well when guys are overeager, because I can see he’s already double texting her and triple and quadruple texting her, and she’s totally ignoring him. That makes you look weak and unattractive. Plus, it’s rude that she’s not responding and you have to have a healthy enough self-esteem to be like, Hey, well, you say good night and she’s going to go a couple of days without talking to you, then, hey, women are like cats.
When she’s ready to talk to you, she’ll reach out. But the thought of never speaking to her again and not doing anything until he hears from her next typically freaks out most guys the first few times that they do it. Because the thought of never and hearing from her again is not a pleasant experience. Especially when you’re doing it for the first few times.
After four days I sent a final message saying that if she did not respond to me by Sunday (two days away) that I would not contact her again.
After 5 minutes she responded to me giving me a vague response. I then said that this is not good enough and told her it is over, then she told me that she was annoyed that when I took her out on the first date that I did not buy all the drinks and she did not feel “special.”
I would say that is an excuse that she’s giving, but the reality is her interest has dropped. Her attraction has dropped. It doesn’t really have much to do. She may have been annoyed. Maybe this guy went out and had her pay half the drinks, I don’t know. She could have, just like you said, to look at that and say, oh, something happened.
The first date is why I’ve ignored you for 4 or 5 days. That’s bullshit. What it really is, is that our attraction has dropped and her feelings have dropped, and she’s probably struggling with that and wrestling with it because she’s like, this is a great guy. He’s got he’s a good dad. She should really like him more than she does. But yet her feelings are what they are, and they’ve dipped.
Her feelings have dipped. So therefore. That’s typically what’s really going on. But her excuse sounds logical because she’s saying, hey, it’s your fault. Because technically it is because of her attraction for him dropped instead of continuing to increase. Then usually it’s because of something he did. And like in this case, he’s texting her every day for 4 or 5 days, almost a full week.
She’s ignoring him and he continues to text her. You never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. You’re looking for an effort from her side. And what’s going on here, at least at this point in the story, is that he’s making all the effort and she’s not appreciating that.
I apologized and also told her that she should have told me long before then instead of deciding to go quiet on me.
Which is true. I wouldn’t have kept badgering her like that. I would have just waited to hear from her. And then if she’d had gone 4 or 5 days, I was like, why did you wait 4 or 5 days to respond? Are you mad? Are you upset? What’s going on?
She told me that she hates confrontations and would rather bottle things up until she explodes and also said this is something she is working on with herself. I then asked if she was home alone, she said yes. I went straight over to her with a bunch of flowers.
Like every other goofball had seen too many movies. Sorry I got to bust on you for that. Because as the book says, you give flowers to your wife or your girlfriend. You don’t give them to a girl that you’re dating. Especially a girl that blew you off for a whole week because that’s disrespectful.
So you going over there with a gift just because you’ve seen too many movies and you think, oh, I’ll just give her flowers when I fuck up and that’ll solve everything. It’s like a bribe for sex in a relationship, and it looks weak and pathetic.
Spoke to her and we ended up kissing.
From then until now I notice a pattern that we will have days when she is really into me, we meet up, go on dates, she spends the night at mine and vice versa, we have sex and it’s all lovely.
Then the next day she slowly starts to go cold.
It’s so lovely. You can tell he’s English. That’s so lovely.
I really like this lady. I don’t know why.
This is, hey! Women are like cats. Don’t take it personal, man. That’s just the way they are. Feminine energy is chaos. It’s one minute they’re all over you and hot and heavy, and the next minute it’s like the weather changes. It’s just how women are. Don’t take it personally. It has nothing to do with you, most of the time. It’s just the way they are.
But you went on a group date and you were over pursuing, and I would say more than likely because you’re new to my work. You were smothering her. And that’s why she’s really starting to back off, because her feelings are going down and she recognizes this. And that’s why she tries to stay distant from you. Because she’s trying to process that and see what happens.
Because women know that if they have enough time away from you, to wonder about you, and to think about you, that their feelings might return. And that’s why when you just let them be like when the cat takes off, jumps the fence and goes around the neighborhood, like it’ll be back. It’ll be back in a few days or whatever. When the cat misses home, it’ll come back.
And that needs to be your attitude. Oh, and by the way, if when you say women are like cats, men are like dogs, it’s like on Facebook and Instagram, now, that is considered dehumanizing language because you’re comparing human beings to an animal. Yep. That’s great. But I can still say it in a video, at least for now. Ridiculous.
And decided to research this behavior. After watching your YouTube content before purchasing your Audiobook I started backing off on her.
There you go. You got to match and mirror the action. She even asked for space. So that tells me, I haven’t even got that part of email yet, and I already knew what was going to happen. That tells me you were smothering her.
“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free”, As Thích Nhất Hạnh said. Just remember that. And so she didn’t feel free. She felt smothered. And this is the real reason for her backing away. Had nothing to do with that bullshit about drinks and her paying half of it on the first night.
She may have been irritated, but at the end of the day, she never brought it up, and it wasn’t until she was mad or butthurt or upset, that she said that to you. So like I said. Because I’ve doing this a long time.
I know how they operate. You know, it’s like they say one thing, but yet their actions typically communicate something else. This is why, as a man, you’ve got to have your shit together. You’re supposed to be the leader. You’re not supposed to be bamboozled by this behavior. You’re supposed to be indifferent to it.
You’re supposed to be unperturbed. And when a girl goes a little cold on you, you should be excited about it, “Oh, cool. I can go hang out with my buddies, have a few beers. I can do something with the kids. I can go see my mom. I can go to the gym. I can clean out my garage. I can work on my car. I can mow the lawn. I can get some sun. I can send my balls in my butthole.”
If you’re one of those guys, if you see that on the internet, it’s pretty funny. Pretty funny stuff.The point being is that you should have a busy life outside of your girl, and when you’re with a woman long enough, you’re like, when you get time and space away from her, you really appreciate it. It’s nice to have peace and quiet as a man, because if you’re in a relationship with a girl and she’s in love with you, she wants your attention all the time. All the fucking time.
She even asked for space I gave it to her and never texted her. Then she texted me the next day saying she misses me.
Hey, the cat wants to come home. Don’t take it personally. You just go. That’s all she needed. 24 hours.
And then told me that she loves me, but also told me to stop suffocating her because it is pushing her away.
See? She’s trying to help you. She’s coaching you. She says I’m a cat. Don’t chase the cat. When the cat jumps out of your lap and wants to go sniff its butt, or sniff another cats butt or whatever, then let it go. It’ll come back and sit in your lap when it’s ready.
So he did the right thing and boom, she came right back and she gave him a great piece of advice. She’s saying, hey, I’m like a cat. Don’t take it personally. It’s pushing me away. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.
So, I have been more cold lately.
It’s not about being cold, it’s just giving her a space. Stop smothering her. She at this point, she should be doing 9,095% of the pursuing. And if it’s been like 50/50 or you’re doing 70 to 80% yourself, you need to slowly back off over the next several weeks until you get it to the point where you’re never doing more than 20 to 30% of the pursuing. And ideally, most women will let you get away with 95% her and maybe 5% you. Or even 100% all her.
I do park at her house every morning and we walk to school with her kid, we walk back to hers after wards, we both get into our cars, she goes off to her job and I go off to mine.
Well, it’s like you kind of already started that that routine. I wouldn’t have done that so early on. But obviously he didn’t know any better. But it is what it is. If she’s glad to have you there, keep doing it. If she takes it for granted and would rather do it on her own with her kids, that’s fine too.
As I write this email, she has for the last 2-3 days been a little cold over text, no “darling”, “babe” love hearts etc. and what appear to be cold short responses.
So match and mirror that.
After parting this morning, I texted her and said have a lovely day, thinking about you.
Don’t do that, dude. You’re not a girl. Cut it out. It’s disgusting. You’re ignoring the fact that she’s not doing this to you. You’re not going to talk her into liking you. You’re not going to drool all over, all over her enough to make her fall in love with you. She already said she’s in love, but she says, hey, back off. You’re smothering me.
And when you do stuff like this, after she just tells you that you’re smothering her, you’re continuing to do it whether you realize it or not. And plus, you’re acting like a girl. That’s the kind of thing you say where you have a lovely day thinking about you. Maybe once a week you say something like that, but that’s only if she’s texting you just about every day or calling you every day, and you want to use that sparingly.
You want her giving you more compliments and more I love you’s than you give her. It’s just the way it is. I like you more if you tell a 100 women in a room that I don’t agree, it’s got to be 50. But when you do that, they take it for granted. Scarcity creates value.
After a few hours I got a thumbs up response. I did not send any other messages. I did however make plans to stay at hers tonight with the kids.
Don’t do that, dude. You’re not a girl. Cut it out. It’s disgusting. You’re ignoring the fact that she’s not doing this to you. You’re not going to talk her into liking you. You’re not going to drool all over, all over her enough to make her fall in love with you. She already said she’s in love, but she says, hey, back off.
You’re smothering me. And when you do stuff like this, after she just tells you that you’re smothering her, you’re continuing to do it whether you realize it or not. And plus, you’re acting like a girl. That’s the kind of thing you say where you have a lovely day thinking about you.
Maybe once a week you say something like that, but that’s only if she’s texting you just about every day or calling you every day, and you want to use that sparingly. You want her giving you more compliments and more I love you’s than you give her. It’s just the way it is. I like you more if you tell a 100 women in a room that I don’t agree, it’s got to be 50. But when you do that, they take it for granted. Scarcity creates value.
My question is. What can I do better?
Stop smothering her. Stop calling it texting. You need to back off more. You’re doing way too much. You keep smothering her. You’re literally going to chase her out of your life and turn her off to the point where she sticks you in friend zone. That’s typically what happens when guys like you do not stop.
Should I stop walking to school with her and the children on the school run? Should I stop texting her good night and good morning?
Yeah. You should not be texting your good night and good morning. That should be an occasional thing. Like if she texts you, like 11:30 at night and you’re snoozing, then text her good morning the next morning, “Hey, got your message. Sorry, I was already counting sheep.” But as far as the thing with the kids, you can always go and take the kids on your own.
Just, “Hey, I got to do some errands so I’m not going to be able to stop by and walk with you” if you’re doing it every single day. Again, that sounds like you just totally imposed yourself into her life. So she seems to take it for granted, or she’s not excited that you’re there to do that. Then go do it without her a couple times a week. Remember, scarcity creates value.
Number two: I am thinking about dating other women, but, however. I am a solo parent and my children do require babysitters. If I do meet someone, I like get her number etc. and then call her to make a date. Your advice is to ask, “when are they free” They are going to tell me a day or give me a couple of days and I could agree to it, but then I would need to arrange a babysitter. What if there is no one available to watch my children while I go out on a date?
Dude, you’re an adult. I’m not going to hold your hand. Figure it out. If you need a babysitter, figure it out. Get a roster of babysitters so you have one for seven nights a week. Figure it out, dude, you’re an adult. It’s not my job to hold your hand and help you make appointments with babysitters. It’s like, come on, dude. That’s like a guy going, “I love my parents? What do I do? Where do I take a girl on a date so we can hook up?” Figure it out.
You need a place to go. I had a guy a few years ago I did a video newsletter with. It was a musician struggling. He played on the street for tips and money because he loved music and he would take girls to hook up in his car. He lost, I think he said he lost his virginity in the car, if I’m not mistaken. It’s like, if you act like a man and you’re all about your purpose.
And like, I remember him talking about how he picked up a lot of girls that way. He just playing his music and they love hanging out. And he would tease and banter with them and keep playing and interacting with the crowd. Arrange a date. Take her back to his car. And, “Boom chicka ba ba” so it really doesn’t matter. Figure it out. You’re an adult. If you can’t figure it out, figure it out.
Number three: If a woman asked if I have a girlfriend or married etc. How do I go about telling them that I am a widower?
Just say, well, I’ve got two boys. And unfortunately my wife passed away last year. I’m a widower. Whatever. Just be blunt, and brutally honest like that. Women go, “Oh.” I was like, well, we should go out on a date then. You seem like a nice girl. Let’s go out on a date. Don’t hold back,
I look forward to your response and again really enjoying your audio book.
Well, you got to read it 10 to 15 times because I can tell you need to clean up your game. And dude, you need to back off. Women are like cats. Feminine energy is like chaos. They’re all over the ice. Don’t take it personally. It’s just the way it is. The more you smother a girl, the more she’s going to back off. The more you let them come to you at their pace, the easier and the more effortless it’s going to be. And all of this catlike behavior will get to a minimum.
But still, especially when you’re living together or you’re in a relationship or married. They get like that. And as a man and you’re with her long enough, you’re with her six, 12 months. And the infatuation period has worn off when she wants to go hang out with her family or her girlfriends or whatever. You’re glad that she goes. You’re excited that she goes and does those things because then you get your place to yourself. You can have some peace and quiet, and you can get caught up with other people and other relationships that you have in your life that are important to you.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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