How to handle a flakey ex-girlfriend and other women you want to date who jerk you around.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss three different emails from three different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who came from a broken home who does well getting women on dates in the beginning, but they soon become flakey and unreliable. The latest woman he’s been seeing for about four months, but she often cancels at the last minute. The second email is from a guy who has made several dates with a woman he likes, but twice she has completely stood him up, ignores him, but then texts him a few days later acting like nothing ever happened.
The third email is a success story from a guy who spent the inheritance he got from his parents raising his wife’s kids from a previous marriage of hers, only to have her cheat on him and leave him during the financial crisis when money got tight. He mostly gave up on women, after getting another woman pregnant by accident. Then he met a new woman and things got a little rocky, but then he found my work and turned things around. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
I’ve read your book 3 times but still need to go through it at least 20 more times. I come from a similar home as you did with a BPD mother who committed suicide and an emotionally unavailable father. I’m a successful and passionate 27-year old male and have no problem with the initial phases of attracting women and making dates. It’s usually keeping the ones I want, like you talk about in the beginning of your book.
I’ve been seeing someone for about 4 months now that would often cancel plans last minute but always reschedule.
Well, the important thing is that she reschedules, because if a woman cancels plans and doesn’t offer to reschedule those plans, that communicates that they really don’t give a damn about seeing you. They just don’t care. And you’ve got to recognize that.
Now if you come from a family and you’re used to being disappointed and being let down, that feels normal. You’re thinking, “Oh, I’ll just give them another chance. Maybe next time they’ll show up.” Especially if you had a parent that was kind of absent and that would promise to be there for the weekend, and then they can’t make it.
We usually see each other once a week, and in the first two months everything was great. She felt that she wasn’t a priority to me and hated that she was always the one reaching out first.
Well, the fact that she was bringing it up and complaining about it shows that she cares. She was obviously a little worried that she was more into you than you were into her.
So notice what he does next. Typically when guys experience this, because as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” the woman should be doing most of the calling, texting and pursuing and the guy should never do more than 20-30%. The closer he gets to 50-50, it’s inevitable that he’s going to be friend-zoned. It’s predictable.
If you’re pursuing too much, it never gives the women time away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you — for those feelings to develop inside. Because women take time to fall in love. So at least at this moment, he’s doing everything right.
Now what I talk about is, if she continues to complain and be upset, then once a week you’ll surprise her with a text, or a phone call, or a card of some kind, or a little post-it note stuck some place where she’ll find it that says, “Hey, I’m thinking about you,” “I’m thinking about you,” or “This weekend was amazing.” Because the reason she’s complaining is she doesn’t feel you’re saying it enough.
Now that doesn’t mean that you start blowing up her phone. It’s just every couple of months if they’re doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. It’s only when they really press you on it and they bring it up a number of times. In other words, you kind of reluctantly, begrudgingly, do a little bit more pursuing and see how that goes. But obviously, this guy went a little too far.
Like a dipshit, I put in the effort because I truly did and do like her. She started her last semester of nursing school around this time, so she soon became much less available and said she wasn’t sure if she could be the person I deserved.
Obviously he reached out too much, and now you can tell she’s starting to feel smothered. He’s pursuing too much, and now she’s like “I don’t know if I can be there for you.” What she’s trying to say, without being able to articulate it in a way that a guy typically understands is, “Hey dude, you need to back off a little bit. You’re pursuing me too much.”
I’m aware this is bullshit.
Yeah, that’s the awareness that, “Oh shit. I called and I pursued too much, and now she’s taking me for granted.”
And I said, okay give me a call if you change your mind.
So he backs off, which is the right thing to do.
The sex was great, and we’ve never had a time where we got together and didn’t hangout, have fun, and have sex.
Remember, she needs time away to wonder about you, to think about you and to miss you. She’s pushed you away and so after not hearing from you for several days, she starts to miss you, the attraction starts to creep back up on her, and she reaches out.
She contacted me a week later, I made definite plans with her, and she cancelled last minute because she had too much homework that night.
So she was doing it because she didn’t value it very much. She’s taking him for granted, and she’s just expecting him to get pushed around and be like, oh okay. What’s interesting is he does the right thing, but doesn’t understand why it works. It’s confusing to him.
I was sick of it and just said, well you have to eat and I already bought stuff for dinner, so just come over with your homework. I’m not mad, just want to talk basically.
He kind of, in a nice, respectful way, says this is my boundary, don’t cross it, just get over here. So of course, because he’s acting masculine, she comes over.
I knew this was the wrong move if I wanted to keep anything alive, but I was over it and wanted some closure.
You actually, without realizing it, did the right thing. You put her in her place, you set your healthy boundary, and you told her to come over.
However, she agreed and acted extremely sweet and ended up staying the night, working on homework. We hung out, had fun, and had sex, and I never talked about the relationship.
See how that worked? In other words, she had been taking him for granted, probably had done other things to jerk him around, and he went along with it. But at this point, he’s been jerked around so much, he’s like, “fuck this. Just get your ass over here.” So, she comes over and she’s extra sweet, feminine and submissive. Why? Because he displayed masculinity and that he wasn’t going to be jerked around. It was perfect.
She texted the next morning. I replied and then cut the conversation short. (She will try and text all day if not.)
What the hell do I make of this, and why did not accepting her canceling work?
Because you didn’t accept it. Because you’re a man. You basically communicated, “hey, these are my boundaries.” You were masculine and therefore, she submitted and went along with it. It’s like, in a subtle way without her even realizing or thinking it, she was testing your strength to see if you were a little bitch.
Thanks for all your guidance and giving me confidence when I couldn’t find it within myself.
You did a good job. The fact that you didn’t vomit all over her and get all emotional about her trying to jerk you around, you just put her in her place. So you need to do a little more of that.
I would say you need to back off and go back to the way you were several months ago, as far as how much you were pursuing when she was complaining that you weren’t pursuing enough. And then let her complain a few times before you start pursuing a little more. But like I said, it needs to be very sparingly.
You went from not pursuing enough to pursuing too much, and now the pendulum is kind of swinging back the other way for you. So you’re getting there without realizing it, so nice job. Stop beating yourself up.
But again, you’ve got the learn the fundamentals in the book. That’s why reading it 10-15 times, you’ll learn it backwards and forwards, you understand the philosophy. You understand the fundamentals. All of the examples in the book, you remember them. If you’ve only been through it three times, you’ll remember a few here and there, but it’s not enough to be sustainable for success. You’ve got attainable success right now, but if you want it to be sustainable, 10-15 times. There’s no fucking shortcuts.
Second Viewer’s Email:
What’s up Corey,
I was being pursued by this woman I really liked when I was going through a breakup, and pretty much almost it all. When she told me to take her out, I was broke and was hesitant to take her out. Finally, I asked her out because she wanted to see me, and she stood me up. I didn’t think much of it. A few days later, she texted me telling me not to be mad at her.
Well, if she stood you up, and you’re like, “Hey, where are you?” and she ignores you, then a few minutes later texts you like nothing happened, I would match and mirror that behavior. So if she stood you up three days ago, and she texts you the third day, “Hey, what’s going on? Are you mad at me? Don’t hate me,” I’d make her wait three or four days before even responding.
This is a feral human. This is the kind of person that blows you off and thinks it’s okay, because she probably got jerked around growing up, and so that’s normal behavior. Plus, if you’re struggling, you’re broke, you’re not feeling that great about yourself, you’re probably not putting out the vibe that you’re a great catch anyway. And she’s picking up on it, so therefore she’s thinking she can jerk you around and disrespect you because that’s the vibe you’re giving off. That’s the way you feel about yourself, so she’s matching and mirroring that to you.
One day she was in town and we hung out, but I was sleeping on my parents’ couch at the time and barely had any money, so I couldn’t set anything up for sex.
Well, you’ve got to think about the logistics of sex. You are an adult after all. Figure it out. Get a part-time job, get an efficiency apartment. You’ve got to figure it out.
We still had a great time. Unfortunately, I drunk texted her and told her that I was going to come for her one day, because she is that damn special to me.
You never say something like that to a girl who stands you up. A girl that stands you up like that, typically you won’t hear from them again, but in this particular case, there was still some interest on her part.
She asked me what makes her so special to her a few days later, and I told her that I didn’t need a reason, because that would make it conditional.
That’s not a helpful conversation. It’s not going to make you look more attractive in her eyes. You’re rewarding bad behavior. In essence you’re telling her, “Hey it’s okay for you to dick me around and stand me up, and I’ll just put up with it.” Therefore, you’re inviting more of that to happen in your life.
When I tried to take her out for coffee, she agreed to having breakfast, and she stood me up again.
You’ve got to read the book dude. Don’t be making coffee and breakfast dates with a woman you want to seduce. You’re acting like a platonic friend.
I called her once, and then the next day I asked if she was okay.
If it’s somebody you know and she disappears, you’re like, “Hey did you get hit by a bus? Are you okay? I didn’t hear from you.” But somebody like this, you don’t keep calling and texting, especially when they ignore you, because that communicates that you don’t value yourself and again further reinforces and actually invites more flakey behavior.
Then, I didn’t do anything after that. Then a few days later, she texted me saying, “Hey Bob, how are you. What are you doing?” I was hesitant to respond at first, then I said, “At work. I’m good, what’s up?” She didn’t respond.
So in other words, she’s stirring the pot, “Oh, he’s still into me.” She’s looking at you as definitely a backup plan that she can dick around and jerk around, and you’ll just put up with it. I would have waited a few days to respond to her. “Hey, what’s up. Got your message.” That’s all I would’ve said.
Then a few days later, I texted her telling her to be careful out there, with this Coronavirus. Again, there was no response.
You don’t keep texting somebody that’s ignored you.
If you grew up in an environment where you’re constantly getting dicked around, or blown off or being disappointed, you’re naturally going to want to keep reaching out, because that’s what you probably did with your family members growing up. So again, that behavior is not going to work for you.
You definitely need to read the book dude, because you’re doing the opposite of what I teach, and you’re going to continually meet people who are going to disrespect you and jerk you around if you keep putting up with it.
Third Viewer’s Email:
I just wanted to drop you a letter and tell you how well this stuff works.
Like I say all the time, even if you think I’m full of shit, all you’ve got to do is read “How To Be A 3% Man,” apply it, and you will see that it works for you.
I’ll try to keep it short, but I was with my ex-wife for 12 years, and ended up spending over half a million dollars and all of my parent’s inheritance raising her two children from her previous marriage,
That’s a nice thing to do dude. I hope her kids appreciate that fact. Fuck whatever happened with her, but I hope the kids appreciate the fact that you were a step-dad to them.
only for her to end up cheating on me and leaving me when money got tight back during the financial crisis.
What a fucking piece-of-shit, feral human she was. How could that not leave the average guy jaded when something like that happens?
Not long after that, I had rebound sex with a girl half my age, ended up getting her pregnant, and we now have a baby girl. We aren’t together, she’s married to someone else now, but we all get along great, so that situation ended up okay in the end. Anyway, after all of that drama, I decided to swear off women, and I was perfectly content with the idea I might be alone.
That’s why what I teach in “How To Be A 3% Man” is so valuable, because it teaches you how to negotiate on your behalf to make sure you’ve got good people that actually have high interest in putting a deal together, if you will. In other words, a deal for dating, a deal for romance. Because this is basically what it is. It’s a negotiation. And the other person can tell based on how well or poorly you negotiate for yourself whether or not you have something of value to offer.
Again, if you love yourself and you value yourself, you’re not going to put up with the feral humans. You’re going to spot flakey behavior right away, and you’re just going to ghost them and be too busy to hang out.
Anyway, my passion is playing pool, and I am pretty much the best pool player in the pool hall that I hang out in. I make a decent side income gambling. No woman is going to keep me from playing pool, so if I did ever hook up, she would have to be someone who could put up with me playing pool most nights, and I would prefer that she liked the game herself. To be honest, that’s going to be hard to find, so again I had just decided that I was okay being alone.
I’m about to turn 53, and the chances of finding a woman that age who loves to shoot pool all the time is pretty slim.
I talk a lot about doing things that you love and enjoy, because people who like the same things tend to like each other. And it’s in the process of loving and enjoying your life, doing the kind of fun things you enjoy, you’ll meet other like-minded people.
Anyway, there’s a 35-year old, gorgeous woman who plays league in my pool room every Thursday night. All the other guys are following her around like little puppy dogs, trying to impress her, flirting with her, that sort of thing. Because she is so hot, and the age that she is, all the young guys would hit on her as well as all of the older dudes. She would flirt with me from time to time, and I would flirt back, but compared to everyone else in there, I probably seemed quite indifferent.
Indifference makes the difference. Every guy’s after her, and you act like she’s just another average chick. Now, why would she find that attractive? Because a man who already has too much female attention in his life is not going to need any more than what he already has, so he’s naturally going to be indifferent. Therefore, he’s giving off the vibe of a man who’s a catch.
She had been giving me signs for several weeks, but like I said, I was content with being alone, so I never really asked her out or tried to kiss her, even though she would give me a peck on the cheek every night and eventually started giving me pecks on the lips.
So she’s pursuing him and he’s continuing to be indifferent. Partly because he’s thinking, “Ah, that’s never going to work for me anyway.” So it actually worked to his advantage, his mindset that he had.
Finally, I’m thinking, okay this girl definitely likes me. I should ask her out. So, I asked her out and she said yes, and that’s when I found your work.
Good job dude.
I was looking on YouTube for first date ideas, and I ran across one of your videos. The stuff you were teaching made a lot of sense, so I kept listening, and I quickly realized that my indifference was what snagged her.
I ended up having to cancel our date, which I’m sure didn’t hurt at all,
Yep. Rejection breeds obsession. You were unavailable. She was probably worrying, “Oh maybe he doesn’t really want to see me. What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t he like me? All these other guys are after me.”
and for the next couple of weeks I didn’t contact her first at all, and she didn’t text me much either, so the anticipation was definitely building.
Last Thursday night at League, we made out after I walked her to her car. I didn’t text her all week, and she only texted me once really quick, and then this Thursday night she was waiting for me at the door when I arrived, and she was all over me all night. I tried to invite her back to my place, but she said that she wasn’t looking for a quick hookup, but was looking for a relationship, and that since I was the only guy in there that didn’t try to play grab-ass with her all the time, she wants me.
Imagine that. She comes right out tells you point blank. Everything that’s in the book is legit, and it’s how it is in the real world.
As it was getting late and everybody was leaving, we stopped playing pool and she sat in my lap and we made out and talked for about an hour. Anyway, she asked ME out again, and we set a date for next week, somewhere outside of the pool hall.
I didn’t know about your work until after we had set up the first date, but because of my previous experiences and my indifference towards women, I realized that I had been accidentally playing your playbook to a T.
Good for you dude.
Now that I’ve got her hooked, I’ll continue to follow your advice. Like I said, I was perfectly happy being alone,
And that’s the important thing. If you love being alone and you enjoy being alone, that’s typically when a chick comes out of left field when you weren’t expecting it, and you meet her in the most easy and effortless way. It’s just fucking magical. That’s why you really have to focus on yourself and getting your own shit right.
but I think that shows in your demeanor and makes you even more attractive to women.
And, even though I’m happy being alone, I think I’m much happier with this hot woman all over me, telling me she’s wanting a relationship.
Yeah, because you’re a fucking catch dude. You’re acting like a catch, and therefore you’re being treated that way.
And, she doesn’t text or call me all the time or try to stop me from doing what I enjoy which is playing pool, so she seems pretty emotionally mature as well.
Well, she likes pool as well. Like attracts like. People who like the same things tend to like each other.
Again, this stuff works. Thanks for all you do. I really appreciate it.
Those are some great emails that really illustrate the right way and the wrong way to deal with this kind of behavior, and when you treat women properly, how well they respond and how easy they make it for you.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The unfortunate reality is that there are a lot of feral humans we all have to deal with in life. They drive slow in the left lane, cut you off in traffic, stand you up on dates without apology or remorse, take advantage of you when you least expect it, etc. If you come from a broken home or dysfunctional family, you will have plenty of emotional blind spots, flaws and faults that feral humans will try to exploit to take advantage of you. When we are conditioned by flakey, dishonest, devious and messed up people that this behavior is normal and to be expected, we will naturally gravitate towards people who display these behaviors and make excuses for how they mistreat us. The way to transcend these flaws and shortcomings is to have high standards for who you allow into your inner circle, set and enforce healthy boundaries and quickly bounce the bad people permanently from your life, so you can make space for good people to occupy. Whatever you allow or tolerate in your life, you will invite more of it. Choose wisely.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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