Why you should always focus on your outcome and trying to get better every day, so you can improve your skills, become a person of higher value and evolve into the person you need to become in order to reach your full potential.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is a recovering cocaine and heroin addict. His ex-girlfriend made him go to rehab, but when he did, she also broke up with him. He says they are trying to work things out, but he suspects there are other “guy friends,” of hers in the background that want to date her. She’s constantly hanging out with these guys, and they pursue her all the time. He takes responsibility for his own actions that caused all of his problems and the trouble in his relationship, but he worries about her sleeping with another dude, even though they are no longer together, and it’s really none of his business.
He asks my opinion on what he should do. I tell him what he should focus on, instead of pining after her, to give him the best possible chance to get her back or attract someone better. I also discuss two different short testimonials, one from a woman and the other from a man, who share how my work and focusing on the right things has changed their lives and led to success and choice with the kind of lovers they want over the past year. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
First of all, I want to thank you Coach for all the videos and all of the knowledge you have spilled into the world for men who lack this section and area in life. May God continue to bless you.
I am a recovering cocaine/heroin addict. I have no one to blame but the stress from work and relationship I had with my ex girlfriend contributing to it. (People who get into trouble like this and develop addictions are trying to change their state to escape and numb their feelings.) Once she found out, she made me go to rehab, broke up with me, and now we are trying to fix it, (If she’s the one who broke up with you, it sounds like you are trying to fix it. If she was really on your team, she would have been with you through thick and thin. Women don’t dump men they love), but she wants to take things slow, one step at a time, which I do understand, but I suspect there are other “guy friends” she keeps hanging out with, and they constantly message her. (The only thing you have control over is how you show up. With these other guys in the background, it doesn’t sound like she places a high value on loyalty. However, you are not currently together so it seems like she’s playing the field. Since she was the one who blew you off, it should be her idea to get back together. The only thing you can do is walk away. If you perceive yourself as a person of value, you’ll only interact with people who perceive you have that value. If there is any interest on her part, there’s a chance she may come back. Scarcity creates value.) I had a feeling, even before my addiction came to surface. (You should be extremely observant. Like Ronald Reagan said, “Trust, but verify.”) I am clean now, have passed two drug tests and will continue focusing on my sobriety.
How can I rebuild trust and love back, and how can I deal with the male friend issues without stressing myself out? (Let go of it first of all. If she’s going to date these guys, there’s nothing you can do about it. As I discuss in my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” you should do nothing. She needs to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from now on. If she is the one who has to make the effort, she will value you and want more.) If I found out she had slept with someone else during this time, I would be devastated. (You have to proceed as if it’s over and you’re never going to get back together again. Then move on and start applying the things I teach in my book. Try to get a little better each and every day to become a man of higher value. She’ll either see that and make an effort, or somebody else will come into your life. Don’t focus on the person, focus on yourself.) I want her to be happy, and if it’s not with me, I respect that, because I take responsibility for my actions, which led to this. (That led you to my work, so now you can focus on the little things that will make yourself better.) However, me worrying about her sleeping with someone else may be toxic for my health. (All you can do is be the best option.) I know what you mean Corey, we are not together and it’s none of my business, but it’s too fresh of a breakup for those actions. (That’s just you choosing not to follow the things I teach.) What are your thoughts on what I should do? (Make her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, make dates when you hear from her, and if she dates other guys, it’s none of your business. It sounds like you’re not really sure if she was that loyal of a girlfriend. You have to start all over with her. The next time you go out with her, look at it as a first date. Look at it as, she needs to earn another chance with you.)
Testimonial that came in as I was writing this:
Hello Corey ,
As I am writing this email, I am waiting on the hottest bitch in my life to get ready so we can go to dinner. I’ve read your book 10 times and going. (The men and women that do really well read my book 10-15 times. They get to know it so well, they don’t have to think about it. What my book teaches is human behavior. It teaches what motivates men and women to do what they do. When you understand that, it gives you the upper hand in your negotiations in life.) Thank you for enabling me to grow in my love life, as well as in my professional life. Love you man!
Testimonial from a woman:
I hope all is great with you. I have been reading and re reading your book, listening to your video newsletters and doing the work for almost a year now. (Successful people take action because they know imperfect action is better than no action at all. If you do the work, you will get rewarded. It’s not a quick fix, but it will last a lifetime.) My business is doing much better, I have learned to stand up for myself and demand, earn, and maintain respect, improve the type of dudes I have been dating, be able to chuck the deuces to the ones that are not a good match or don’t treat me the way I want to be treated, and I have been able to show up as a much better version of myself and maintain my cool in situations that quite frankly just piss me off. I have also been able to re-define my sense of purpose. (You sound like you have your shit together.) I am not at the top of my first mountain just yet, but I am getting there. (You’re getting a little better every day.) It’s proof positive that finding great mentors and making the necessary changes in your life really works when you are willing to DO the work. (That is the key. You have to take action. Even when you don’t know what to do, do something. At least when you do something, you get results. Then you can look at your results and see how close or far away you are from your outcome. Then you can adpat, refine and modify your approach. Always try to get better.)
Have an awesome night!
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The superior person and the champion athlete have a single-minded focus on trying to become a little better each and every day. To become excellent at anything takes endless persistence and happens slowly over time. By focusing on becoming better, refining your approach, learning from your mistakes and modeling the actions of those who are more successful than you, eventually you will develop your skills and the ability to add value to such a superior level of competency, that your employment and entrepreneurial choices and options will also grow exponentially, along with your income earning potential. The process of becoming a competent person of high value doing something you love for a living is the ethos of a winner.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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