In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is very successful in business, but not so much in his romantic relationships. He tends to be a bit of a hard ass and has a “screw you!” kind of attitude towards other people, including the women he dates. He grew up with a very domineering mother that kicked everyone in the ass metaphorically in their family to do what she felt was best. Because of his edgy masculinity, he is able to attract women with ease initially, but because of his rough edges he tends to turn them off to the point that they don’t want to stay with him long-term. The thought of sending sweet texts to women makes his skin crawl, and he avoids it at all costs to the detriment of his relationships. He asks me what he can do to overcome this, as well as go about meeting new women since he does not like bars, nightclubs, malls and other activities he finds boring. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email:
After reading your book, I saw that there are a few eerie similarities in our lives so far. I am Russian, and I grew-up in a family with absolutely no “I love you’s” and no affection. (I know what that’s like. When you first start saying “I love you” to a girl, it feels weird.) My dad left when I was 10, so my mother took on a masculine role… and never left it. She overcame, conquered, and intimidated every man around her to become a very wealthy and powerful woman; I ended up growing up with pretty much zero input or guidance on proper relationship “giving,” “communicating” or “emotions”. (I know how that feels. You get shamed when you have those kinds of emotions.)
My mom moved us to the USA when I was 14. I never had problems attracting girls, even at that age, mostly because I had the “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, and I was just focused on my life. So unknowingly to myself, my indifference was attracting girls without me having to do anything. (Exactly. You’re focused on your mission and purpose in life. You’re being who you are, and you’re being unapologetic for it.) In college, it was pretty much the same story; both girls I was with sat next to me, liked the confidence and “I don’t give a fuck” attitude I had, and started chasing. (When you act like a man, it’s like you become a light bulb in the dark, and of all the moths flock to you.) I never had to ask a girl out in my life. Girls came to me on their own. I do have a huge issue with appearing vulnerable, relinquishing my dominant “fuck you” position, or compromising on anything with anyone, which is great in the business world, but it is destroying every romantic relationship I am currently trying to start. (At the end of the day, the purpose of all relationships is, you go there to give. You’re there to help each other grow and become more. You’re there to meet each others needs. You’re not there to take.) How did you overcome being an emotionless and non-empathetic guy? (You’ve got to start making the effort. Women love the sweet things. It doesn’t mean you have to do it all of the time, but you have to do it some of the time.) You know that in our business world, it is a cutthroat business; I am having an impossible time showing any emotions or sensitivity to a woman. Anger and aggression, yes. (Network chiropractic care would help you with this. It will chill you out. You will still feel anger, but you won’t project it onto others.) Anything else, no. I am great at walking away, telling people to “fuck off,” and being indifferent, but that doesn’t bode well for a long-term relationship, which is what I am wanting now. Trying to show emotions, or even texting something like “baby I really miss you,” is fucking cringe-worthy for me. (You only need to do that about once a week. Love is about giving something away.) I physically can’t send that text, as my inside says that it is not what I am feeling. I think women are feeling that too. My affection is that of a caveman who just beat the shit out other cavemen for his woman and now is ready to “mate”; I had women complain repeatedly about me being “rough” in foreplay and lovemaking. My friends and circle of friends know me as the intimidating asshole, my boss jokes about me being “in the mob” to the clients, and my co-workers are often “scared” of being around me or of my presence. (Network chiropractic care, therapy or counseling may help you out. You’ve got to feel it to heal it. The emotions you avoid feeling are going to express themselves somewhere. You’re going to be pissed off at everybody, and they’re going to feel it. If you’re stuck in fight or flight mode, you’re highjacked by that physiology.)
My second question is, how do you handle meeting new women when you are busy? I am busy working, working out, and handling the business. I have no interest in clubbing anymore, I hate weddings, I hate malls, I hate boring activities and general wastes of time. Any help or advice would be appreciated man. (Focus on doing the things you do like. You have to participate in life. Take action to get to where you want to be by doing things you enjoy and have a passion about. Read my book 10-15 times, and apply what I teach. If you’re not going out on dates, how can you expect to smooth over your rough edges? Look up a Network Chiropractic doctor in your area. Go to WiseWorldSeminars.com and see if there is someone in your area that is Level-3 certified.)
My response to him:
You need to read my book 10-15 times until it becomes instinctual. Reading it once is not going to make enough of a difference. In your email you have a “this is just the way I am and there is nothing I can do about it,” or “here are the reasons and excuses why I don’t want to do what you teach Corey,” kind of attitude. This is the story that you tell yourself so you don’t have to make any changes to your behavior, which you readily admit is not getting you the results you want. Developing a great relationship is the result of becoming good at pickup skills, dating skills and relationship skills. The only way to get any better is to practice. Repetition is the mother of skill. Your attitude and the story you tell yourself is justifying your behavior of doing nothing to help yourself. You must participate in your own rescue. If you want to become better you need to learn what’s in my book and get off your ass and apply it. If you are unwilling to do that, then there is nothing I can do to help you because you are unwilling to help yourself. You should ask out 100 different women per month. Go on dates and practice what’s in my book. That is the only way you will get better. Meeting women is a side effect of having a great and emotionally compelling life you are pursuing. When you are not working, you should be spending your time doing things you love with like minded people. You will meet women as a side effect of having a great life and having fun. If you don’t want to go to malls to practice, then go to trade shows, farmers markets, car shows, etc. Go someplace you want to be and do something you enjoy. Stop making excuses. Get off your ass, and take action. You must read the book 10-15 times. There are no shortcuts to success. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to do, and focus on doing things you would love to do. If you choose to continue saying you don’t want to text sweet things to women you are trying to date, then get used to being single and lonely, because nothing is going to change otherwise. Women like confident, charming and chivalrous men. Not dickheads or mean assholes. It’s your choice how you show up in life. The only person that can help you is the guy you see in the mirror.
“At one point in your life you either have the things you want or the reasons why you don’t.” ~ Andy Roddick.
You are acting and behaving like most unsuccessful people who exercise a learned helplessness attitude towards life. It’s time for you to take massive action if you are really serious about changing your life.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“We live in a vibrational universe from a physics perspective. Like attracts like. In order to attract the life, lifestyle and lovers that you want, you must make your vibrational energy match that which you desire. You can only attract what you are in vibrational alignment and harmony with. You must focus on what you want to attract and create by taking actions that are consistent and in harmony with your desires. You should not focus on what you don’t want or what you want to avoid in life, because this actually causes you to vibrate energetically and be in harmony with what you want to avoid and don’t want. What you fear you attract. Therefore, you should love, crave, visualize, fantasize, contemplate and have positive expectation of your desires and dreams to manifest and make them a reality.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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