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Focusing On Getting A Commitment Too Soon Turns Women Off

Jun 14, 2024 by Coach Corey Wayne
Photo by iStock.com/Prostock-Studio

Why focusing on getting a commitment too soon turns women off & leads to rejection.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 24 year old viewer who met a 23 year old girl on a dating app who had recently broken up with her boyfriend. They hooked up on their first date and he started pestering her about her intentions and their potential future together every time they saw each other. Then she started backing away and being evasive about setting future dates. He asks my opinion on what he should do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Video Newsletter is, “Focusing On Getting A Commitment Too Soon Turns Women Off.”

So this particular email is from a guy, he is 24 years old, and he met a 23 year old girl on Tinder who had just recently broken up with her boyfriend. And so they hooked up on the first date. She felt a little guilty after that. I think he’s got to be new to my work because every time he started interacting with her, he’s constantly trying to find out where he stands with her, where they are in regards to a commitment. He’s like, “I don’t want to waste my time if you’re not sure of things.” And so, he’s just totally giving off the vibe that he wants to lock her down to a commitment.

And this is the last thing that you can do with somebody that just had a breakup, especially if she’s still talking to the ex, and hurt, and didn’t take time to heal. But it’s very common because women understand this typically way better than us guys do that the best thing, the best medicine for a breakup, is to get back out in the dating world and start meeting and dating new people. Because as soon as you meet somebody and you have a really great connection, especially somebody you’re really attracted to, you really click with, doesn’t matter.

Whoever you are hurting over before, it’s going to be a complete attitude change for the better. It’s one of the reasons why women tend to move on so quickly after a breakup is because 75% of the time they’re doing the breaking up, and usually when they leave, they’re leaving when they’re feelings are pretty much gone. So that’s why a week or two after they break up with you, you will hear through the grapevine or a friend, “hey, I saw your ex-girlfriend out on a date with some other dude, and they were all over each other.”

And the guy still licking his wounds because typically he didn’t see it coming. But when she left, she was over it. She was ready to move on emotionally, and most guys just did not see it coming. And so, this guy is smothering this girl and constantly focusing on trying to lock her down. And she’s not going to feel free when you do that. And as Thích Nhất Hạnh used to say, “you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

Photo by iStock.com/sesame

And so, this guy is so worried about losing her, probably because he’s seen too many Disney movies that caused him to be fearful and scared of losing a woman because it’s like, better get a ring on her finger, better lock her down or Chad Thunder Cock’s going to steal her from you. And then what ends up happening is you do what your emotional anchor to do in the movies, and you just chase the girl right out of your life so she doesn’t want anything to do with you.

And it literally it messes people up. It messes guys up emotionally and mentally. It causes them to act in ways that are the opposite of what a masculine guy would do. It teaches them to act more like an effeminate girl. And so, that ruins the sexual polarity. A feminine woman wants a masculine guy. They’re going to be naturally attracted to that. That’s innate. Talking and propaganda is not going to go against our innate nature. That’s just a fact of life.

And so, when men act out of alignment with their natural essence, or women for that matter, it ruins the sexual polarity. And this happens in heterosexual relationships, gay relationships as well as the lesbian relationships. It’s the differences in our essences that really draw us to one another. The high polarization is what really turns us off/on and attracts us to one another. So with that in mind, let’s go through this email.

Because now she’s backing away and kind of becoming evasive and “oh, I’m busy” and he’s trying to make dates to see her again. And she’s being evasive. And that’s putting him into a more fearful state. And he’s getting upset and trying to lock her down even more. “Hey, what’s going on?” And he’s becoming anything but calm and unperturbed. He’s becoming perturbed, which is a bad way to go.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey,

A couple months ago I, 24 year old guy, met a girl who was 23, on a dating app and had a great first date. After we slept together for the first time, she spewed to me that she had just gotten out of a long relationship, that I was the first guy she’d been on a date with since, and that she felt too easy sleeping with me after only one date. I assured her I thought nothing less of her and that I’d love to take her out again.

Well, if she’s going, “oh, it was a little too easy.” I would say. “Babe, it’s not that you were too easy. It’s like we had a magical connection. It was wonderful. I want to see you again. What’s your schedule like?” So feminine energy grows through praise. So you’re going to praise what behavior that you want her to do more of. And it’s got to be our fault for the sex to happen. Because especially if she sleeps with you right away, she feels guilty. She’s worried about being labeled a slut by her girlfriends.

Photo by iStock.com/Deagreez

And so, you just you don’t want to reassure in a White Knight kind of way. “I don’t think anything less of you, Your Highness.” You just say, “babe, we just had such a great connection. It’s like, when was the last time you met somebody you really clicked like that? It’s like it was wonderful. I’m excited to see what happens next.” That should be the attitude. Instead of “oh, don’t feel bad.” Instead of saying, “oh, don’t feel bad about that.” Say, “Hey. Feel good about the connection that we had.” That’s what you want to reinforce.

This started a pattern of a date once a week and then meeting out with friends on the weekend. Lots of intimacy.

Well, I hope you weren’t going out on group dates because you’re talking about meeting up with friends. So I don’t know if that meant you would go out on a date, and then the rest of the weekend you’d be hanging out with her friends or she’d be hanging out with yours.

And that’s the kind of thing that comes down the line when you guys are, when she’s head over heels in love with you, and asking you to be in a relationship. When you meet a girl and you hook up, and then the second date, you’re introducing her to all your friends, she just got out of a relationship. And so, now you’re making her feel like she’s already in one. And that’s not going to make her feel free. It’s going to make her want to flee from you.

On the third date I asked if she was fully over her ex and ready to meet someone new.

Again. You’re basically saying, “hey, are you ready to be my girlfriend now? Because I’m ready to make you my girlfriend.” You can’t do this, dude. This is something a girl would ask. This is part of how what’s in movies and the TV shows screws guys up. Because he’s been taught to act like a girl. He’s been emotionally anchored to act like an insecure little girl.

And if you grow up in an environment where mom and dad didn’t give them enough hugs, didn’t say I love you enough, he’s going to be incredibly insecure and constantly need attention and validation from a woman, which basically makes him act like a woman and it’s going to ruin the sexual polarity, turn her off and cause her to not want to be around him.

On the third date I asked if she was fully over her ex and ready to meet someone new, said that I liked spending time with her and wanted to continue to, but wanted to be up front before I started investing more.

In other words, what you just told her is, “I can’t handle it, mommy.” It’s like, “I like you too much and I’m going to lose my shit. So if you don’t really like me, let me go now so you don’t break my heart. Because I’m a little boy. Don’t hurt me. Don’t be a big meanie. I need my mommy. I want to suck my thumb.” That’s not masculine. You sound like a little boy.

Photo by iStock.com/andriano_cz

She assured me that I had nothing to worry about and that she was really happy with our situation.

Again, this is not attractive. You’re like, you’re a good little boy. You’re such a good boy. You’re a good boy. Mommy likes you.

The next week we were hanging out at my place and she mentioned that she was stressed because she had a very busy week the week following. That Saturday we were at the same bar and when I brought up a date that week, she reminded me again about her busy week.

So he’s with her and he’s trying to make dates in the future. Why? Because he’s scared she’s not going to want to see him again, because he could probably tell at this point her interest is going down instead of up. And when a woman starts telling you how busy she is or how busy she’s going to be, she’s starting to make excuses because now you’re trying to smother her and spend more time with her than she really wants to spend with you. That’s a bad way to go. Again, you’re really acting like a girl and an insecure little boy here.

I said, no worries we’ll do something the next week. By that point the texting was pretty constant and mutual.

The phone was resetting dates, so he’s chit chatting all hours of the night and day and in essence, talking and texting her out of liking him.

But that Sunday she stopped responding.

So what does that tell me? He got the automatic tennis ball machine, put it on full blast. He’s like, “this girl likes me. If I just send her a thousand texts, she’ll probably really love me then.” And so what happens? She stops responding because she’s probably like, “oh, this is overwhelming.” She doesn’t want to be your mommy or your therapist or your emotional support human bro. The phone is for setting dates, not getting to know somebody.

Stop fucking cherry picking information from the videos because you’re not going to be successful doing that. The videos are based on the assumption that you’ve actually gone through The Book and are learning the fundamentals. Because the idea is these emails are to help you fine tune your approach based upon the Book. But if you don’t even know the Book, you have no clue what you’re doing. It’s like everything you’re doing is really extremely unattractive behavior.

Photo by iStock.com/skynesher

And that’s why she just stopped responding, because at that point, she doesn’t respect you. You’re needy, you’re neurotic, you don’t have your shit together, and you’re just smothering her. That’s why she was telling you how busy she was going to be, because she could tell you were getting really clingy and probably a little controlling and calling too much, texting too much. And eventually she’s like, “this is overwhelming.”

I didn’t reach out until Monday after work.

So in other words, she never replied. He didn’t wait for her to reply and he continued, so she stopped responding on Sunday. So he waited until Monday and then he started his barrage again. Dating is like tennis. You hit one ball over the net and you wait for her to hit it back. You don’t turn the automatic ball machine on and nail her with a thousand tennis balls. She’s going to run off the court and think you’re a lunatic.

I didn’t reach out until Monday after work and asked if she wanted to go on a walk since her plans were Tuesday-Friday. She said yes and we had a nice walk, texted a bit after, and she cut the texting again.

Because again, you’re just, “Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. I love you. I need you. Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Why aren’t you replying? You’re a big meanie.” Come on, man.

I didn’t reach out all week and on Saturday she texted me at midnight.

Well, at least she backed off. One ball over the net. You got to wait for her to hit it back. If she doesn’t hit it back, we’ll go play with somebody else. Maybe she reaches out in the future. But I promise you, if you keep barraging her with text and doing 100% of the pursuing, she just eventually going to ghost you completely.

And the other thing that you got to understand and the Book talks about this is, women on the rebound like this, they’re going to be hot and cold. This is totally normal. And then you try to smother them? Yeah. She’s just going to blow you off. And each time she blows you off and you keep texting. You communicate that your time is not very valuable and you don’t have much self respect.

I didn’t reach out all week and on Saturday she texted me at midnight asking me to come over, which I did. After we were intimate, I brought up the topic of her dating intentions to reaffirm that I wasn’t investing into a waste of time and because I wanted to make sure things were going at a pace she was comfortable with. She said all was good and said I was the only guy she was seeing (which I didn’t even ask about).

Photo by iStock.com/bojanstory

Again, you’re saying, “oh, we’re definitely going to have a relationship, right? You’re going to be my girlfriend, right? I don’t want to keep dating you if you’re not going to become my girlfriend.” There’s nothing mysterious about that. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, and you’re basically begging her to pay attention to you and have a relationship with you.

This is not masculine. This is not attractive. This turns women off and makes them flee from you. Even though she’s reassuring you, because she’s like, “you’re such a good little boy. You’re such a good little boy, you little pussy.” You gotta act like a man, dude. You gotta be more masculine than she is.

That morning, I brought up dinner Thursday, she said she was very sick of going out to eat from the week before, so I said, okay let’s call it a maybe and we could do a different activity.

So now he’s agreeing to maybe dates. “Oh, you can waste my time, Your Highness.”

On Tuesday I offered a few date options and on Wednesday she got back to me with a valid excuse. 

Yeah. This is a bad way to go. Dude, you got to read The Book. Come on. This is horrible. Your game sucks. Your game is non-existent. You’re, like, begging her to spend time with you.

I wanted to see her before I went on a trip the next weekend so on Sunday I reached out asking when she was free that week and she tells me maybe Thursday and I say sure let me know. Wednesday night she tells me she has a work happy hour and is unsure of the end time and offers to play it by ear. I say, I’m likely going to be work late and rescind the offer.

She says, she was sorry to hear that. I “like” the message to end the conversation. The next night she texts me again saying “Safe travels have a fun trip”, I say thanks and tell her to have a nice weekend. A week has gone by, and I’ve heard nothing and am not sure how to proceed. Her interest fell off a cliff.

Because you talked and texted her out of liking you. You came off as a needy, insecure, controlling jackass. That’s what happened. You didn’t act like a man. You acted like a little boy who was trying to lose his virginity on spring break. It’s not attractive, dude.

Her interest fell off a cliff, but she has had many opportunities to fully end this and won’t. 

Thanks for all of your help and hope to gain some clarity on this situation.

Thanks

Bob

Photo by iStock.com/Prostock-Studio

Yeah. You have to learn to let go and be unattached. Extended invitation. If she’s busy, say no problem. Call me when your schedule frees up. And so what I would do in this particular case, because we know you’ve talked and texted her out of liking you to the point where she just ignores you. I wouldn’t text her or do anything. I’d wait two full weeks just to see if she reaches out. If you don’t hear from her after two weeks, I would text her, try to get her out on a date, invite her over to your place to make dinner in the evening and see if she agrees to it.

And if she’s like, “oh, I’m busy. Works crazy.” Just say, “No problem. Figure out your schedule and get back to me. I’d love to see you.” And just leave it at that, and never call or text her again for any reason. And one of two things will happen. You’ll never hear from her again, or at some point she’ll reach back out and then you set the date. But you know there’s a good chance.

I mean, it’s also possible that she’s talking to and potentially going back to the ex and with you over pursuing and smothering her like you did and acting like a needy, neurotic jackass. That’s why a week’s gone by and you haven’t heard anything, because she doesn’t miss you. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And so, it would be unusual for her not to hear from you for two full weeks.

That’s why if it’s already been a week, wait another full week. Go a full 14 days. And if you still don’t hear from her after 14 days, that’s not a good sign, but I would definitely reach out then try to set one date. Don’t be asking her where she’s at. You don’t want to waste your. Don’t talk about that.

Your job is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, and to hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be kissed, touched, and seduced. It’s pretty simple. Such an easy thing. You can’t behave this way and expect a girl to stick around 100% of them you will chase out of your life. Read the Book 10 to 15 times, and learn what’s in the Book, dude. And clean up your game because you’re not going to get anywhere with this kind of behavior for very long.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.

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Published on June 14, 2024

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