FOMO: I Don’t Want Any More Kids. She Does. What Should I Do?

Some things to consider if you don’t want any more kids but she does.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for 3 years. He was happily married for 22 years, but his wife passed away. He’s close to 50 now, has 4 kids and is almost an empty nester. His girlfriend is 35 and will be an empty nester in a few years. However, now she says she wants more kids, but he doesn’t. She says she will leave him unless he agrees to have more kids. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, FOMO. (That stands for Fear of Missing Out.) “FOMO: I Don’t Want Any More Kids. She Does. What Should I Do?”

Well, this particular email is from a viewer. He’s been following my work for about three years and he was happily married for 22 years, but his wife passed away and he’s closing in on 50. He’s got four kids and he’s almost an empty nester. And so his girlfriend is 35 and she’ll I think her kid’s like 16, I think. So she’s only got a few more years before she’s an empty nester. So now they’ve been kind of dating for a while.

She says she wants more kids. But he doesn’t. He’s been in the military almost 30 years. He’s looking forward to getting out. I assume he’s going to get a nice pension and he’ll retire from the military. But he’s like, he doesn’t want to have any more kids. And she says, “Well, if you don’t want any more kids, then I’m going to break things off because I want to have more children.”

And so they have a pretty good relationship, but he’s just not interested in having kids. He’s totally adamant he’s done. He’s checked that box and he’s looking forward to being an empty nester in just a few more years. So he’s like, “What do you do in a situation like that?”

Well, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And if you’re going to be in a long term relationship, you got to make sure that your goals and your values match. Well. It’s pretty obvious their goals around children and family are not matching. So with that said, let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Coach,

I have been following your work for 3 years now, I was happy married for 22 years but tragically she got sick and passed away several years ago.

Well, I’m sorry for your loss. That sucks.

I was 46 years old when I decided to get back out and start seeing other people, however I was completely clueless on how to talk or meet with girls anymore. One night though I was at a bar and a guy mentioned your book and I was like yeah I’ll try anything so I read it and I read it several times and I continue to read it to this day.

With that being said Corey, you’re the man I met a woman in my dreams who is an absolute 10 she is 12 years younger than me and is everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman, our relationship has been great. I’ve been following all your principles and the book and I didn’t know I could ever be happy again.

And so that’s kind of what’s hard about this is after losing his wife, he’s thinking, “Well, shit. I guess you only get one of those. I guess you only get somebody that you have four kids with and a family. That’s the end of that. I guess I’ll never be happy again.” Then he meets somebody and they’re happily ever after so far. And then she’s like, “Well, I’ve decided I want more babies.”

However, with that being said my relationship has since taken a bit of a turn when we first started dating, I have four kids that are almost all out of the house and she has one that is 16 years old and when we both started dating, we both said we didn’t want kids. However, she is 35 and has been talking about how she wants kids again, and when she talks about it, I kind of ignore her or change the subject.

Well, you’ve just got to say, “Look, when we first started dating, we were both looking forward to being an empty nester, and I don’t want to have any more children.” I don’t know if you’ve had your [signals scissors cutting with fingers] you had a vasectomy, you had your tubes tied or whatever.

But then the topic of discussion more and now she says either give me a baby or I’m going to leave.

Well, that’s like an ultimatum. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. So then the question becomes, “Are you 100% certain you don’t want any more kids? Is it worth not being with her so she can go find somebody else and have a child with them?”, potentially.

I’m really in love with this woman, but I just don’t know if I can bring another child into this world Coach, I’m 48 years old about to retire the military four years after 30 years of the military and I’m looking forward to living my best life. What do you think I should do?

I think you should be a fucking man and do what is right for you. And if you’re 100% certain that you don’t want any more kids, then you got to be honest. But if you’re like, 95% certain and you’re 5% open to changing your mind, well, if you were open to changing your mind, what would be different in your life? What would how would things have to be different in your life in order for you to go, “Yeah, I want to have. I’ll have more kids. I’ll have some babies with you.”

If that was a possibility. You’ve got to ask really great, high quality questions. Because when he says, “I just don’t know if I can bring another child into this world, Coach.” I mean, you can imagine everything’s been through losing his wife, then having to cope, having to be a parent for four children on his own, and then being in the military where you’re away a lot, you’re deployed. That is tough.

And he’s probably looking forward to not having to deal with that stress anymore, getting out and getting some kind of job, enjoying his pension that he gets from the military, and kind of coasting and being a grandparent potentially. But he’s with a woman who’s 35 and still childbearing and she wants babies. What do you do? That’s a question that I cannot answer for you, you must answer it yourself. But if you’re 100% certain you don’t want to have any more kids, Then you’re going to have to be honest with her. You’re just like, “I love you, but I don’t want any more children.

And if that means that our relationship is going to end because you want to have more kids then it’s going to break my heart, it sucks. I feel bad, I’m sad. I’m sorry that you feel that way. But when we first started dating, you were cool with it. You didn’t want any more and now you do.” And that should be a testament to you. You first started dating. She was like, “Yeah, I’m done having kids.”

But you made things so good. You’ve been such a great partner that she’s like, “Man, I could see myself having another/more children with you.” So that’s a compliment to you. But you’re like, “Ahhh. I’m about to be an empty nester here. It’s like, I’ve been through hell these last five, ten years. I’m really looking forward to kind of coasting.” What else are you going to do with your life? Be a granddad, maybe.

I could really use your help. I’m really at a crossroad because I part of me. I don’t want to lose her, but I definitely don’t want any more children.

Bob

And so you said, “I don’t know if I could bring another child in this world.” And within a couple sentences later, “but I definitely don’t want any more children.” So you’ve said kind of the opposite there. So I don’t know what’s in your heart, but if you’re 100% certain convinced I was like, “yeah, that’s it, I’ve had a vasectomy. And thanks, but no thanks. I don’t want any more kids.” Then you have to risk losing her.

One thing I will say is that, you know, what’s interesting is back in the day when I was a platinum partner in Tony World, that was something that at the time. Let me think, Tony’s ten years older than me. So I was 34 at the time. Tony was 44, and he had grown kids at that point. And he was like, I don’t want any more kids. That’s it. No way. And then his wife, Sage, who I think was in her late 20s at the time, she really wanted to have some kids with him.

And he’s like, No fucking way. I’m done. I’m tapped out. And I know they struggled because he talked about it when we were Platinum Partners, and at the end of the day, he was the man. She submitted to him and said, Okay. She stayed with him. However, about two years ago, he and his lovely wife Sage decided to have a baby through a surrogate. So Sage got her way. She got the child that she wanted. And I think that’s beautiful.

I mean, Tony’s in his 60s now, and he’s almost exactly ten years older than me, so that would mean he’s 64, but I think he’s like 61, 62. And Sage, I think is about 15 years younger, if I’m not mistaken. But they had a baby through a surrogate. I think that’s beautiful. I mean, he changed his mind. Probably got to a place in life. It’s like, he lives in Florida, he lives on the beach. Got a beautiful house. What else are you going to do with your life? Be a Dad. Be a Granddad. Because I think he’s a Granddad, too.

And he gave his wife something that she was desperate for and wanted a lot. And I know they really struggled with it when they were younger, but he came around to her point of view. So that’s a possibility. You could have kids later through a surrogate, but this is the kind of thing that you and her really need to sit down and have a heart to heart and figure it out. And it’s like, I can’t make that decision for you. Only you know what’s in your heart.

But like I said, I look at what you wrote here and once again, you’re like, “I don’t know if I could do it.” So in other words, that tells me you’re not 100% convinced you absolutely don’t want more kids. But then your last sentence here. “But I definitely don’t want any more children.” If you stay with her you got an extra one. Now you have five. Because now you’re a Stepdad to her child, or will be, or kind of are already.

So I don’t know how would that look if, if you were to change your mind, if you were going to have kids in a perfect world and be comfortable and not be stressed the fuck out, what would that look like? Because you want her to be happy. You want you to be happy, obviously. How would that look if that was a possibility? But if you’re 100% certain, there’s like, there’s no way, then if that’s the case and she’s 100% certain she wants to have more kids, then you might lose her.

She might leave you and go find somebody else. So again, that’s the kind of thing that if you have a great relationship. It’s so good that the woman that you’re with who when she met you, she’s like, “Yeah, I’m done being a mom. I can’t wait till I’m empty nester.” You’re like, “I’m the same way.” But she’s happy to the point that she feels so safe and so comfortable and loves you so much that she wants to have your child. That’s a compliment to you that you’ve been a good student of 3% Man.

And you took a woman who was like, “No way.” To, “I’d love to have a baby with you.” That’s a compliment. You should appreciate that. However, whether you choose to follow through on that, that is all up to you. So I think you guys should sit down and have a heart to heart, talk about it, contemplate on it yourself first, see what you really feel in your heart of hearts. And because what is love? You’re there to help each other grow, become more to meet each other’s needs. You be excited about meeting each other’s needs.

And ultimately, that’s what Tony decided with Sage, it was like, “I can’t deny her of this.” Even like Bob Seger, who I loved his music. He was 50, 55, 56, I think, and he met his wife who, he was actually on a date, a blind date at this restaurant. And his wife was, at the time, was the hostess there. She was like 25. Absolutely stunning. And so the blind date didn’t go very well. But he was like, “Man, that hostess was smoking.” So he called back and I think she had gone home. But he said, “Hey, this is Bob Seger. I was there earlier having dinner on a blind date, and I want to take out that hostess.”

And so they got in touch with her. They exchanged numbers, and at first her parents were like, “Eh, you’re a lot older.” And he was like, “I’m done. I don’t want to have any more kids. I’m good.” And they fell in love. And he went and spoke to her parents, and they got along so well that his wife’s parents, his widow now, were, they got along so well that they were two of his closest friends up until the day he died. And then at some point about 15, 18 years ago, he’s like, I can’t be a selfish prick and deny my lovely bride the ability or opportunity to be a Mom.

And so he had kids with her. He had, I think, two boys, if I’m not mistaken. You guys can fact check me in the comments. But he had two kids and he died about a year or two ago. And so his kids are like around ten, 12 years old. And it’s sad because he’s not around anymore. But he loved his wife so much. He’s like, “I can’t deny in good conscience, deny my lovely bride the ability to have and be a mom.” And so he had kids with her and he since passed away. And she’s got a beautiful family. So in this case, your girlfriend already has a child.

So it’s possible for men to change their mind where, they’re like, “There’s no fucking way.” Just from, you know, those two fairly famous people examples. But again, you really have to think long and hard about this. It’s like if you love kids, and if you’re getting out of the military in a few years. Then when your kids about 4 or 5 years old and they start talking and it’s like, I mean, the best part of kids is when they’re like 5 to 12, that’s when they’re the most fun. They trust you, they believe everything you say. They listen to you.

It’s before the teenage years and it’s like it goes by so fast. So maybe when you get out of the military, you’ll be able to be there more as a father for your kids than you were for your other four kids. I don’t know, maybe you’re worried that you can’t do it, or you don’t have enough bandwidth or enough time, but by the time you actually retire from the military, if you start having kids in the next year or two, right around the time you get out, is like, that could be the most fun years ever. When the kids are the most fun to be with.

Because it’s like, it’s a blast. It really is. It’s one of the greatest gifts I ever got to experience was being a Stepdad all those years to my ex girlfriend’s daughter, and watch her grow up. And that was amazing. One of the greatest gifts of my life, changed my life. So like I said, I love kids and it’s fun being a Dad or being a part time Dad I’ve gotten to experience, and so, I don’t know, you guys got to think long and hard and you got to have some serious talks before you decide to go your separate ways or you decide to have kids together.

So I think you guys should work it out between the two of you and figure it out what’s really important and what’s not. And if you could have kids because you don’t want to deny her that, it’s like, well, what would that look like if you could be open to being a Dad again? What would that look like in a perfect world? Something to think about.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.