Why continually being focused on where you stand with a woman you are dating will cause your actions to be forceful and cause you to over pursue to the point where she gets turned off and doesn’t want to see you any more. How to avoid coming off as creepy and stalkerish, when you are trying to attract a woman who seems to be pulling away from you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers who are guilty of being too forceful in their pursuit of women they are trying to date. The first email is from a viewer who met a woman in a bar randomly one night. He did a good job of hanging out, having fun and hooking up back at his place the first night they met. She obviously really liked him at first. However, he started to over pursue and tried to force himself into her life. She eventually blew him off. Recently, he met up with her to talk, but things did not turn out as he had expected and hoped. The second email is from a viewer who has been dating a woman for about seven months. She says she’s in love with him and always spends time with him when he asks, but he is unsure of their future together. He asks me how he can approach this subject to get some clarity on where he stands and still have her perceive him as being masculine.
First viewer’s email:
I wanted to see if you could help me figure out where I went wrong with a girl that I was pursuing. (That’s your problem. You’re falling under the illusion of action, thinking you have to do something to get her to like you.)
I met this girl about two months ago while I was having a drink at a local bar. I found her to be very attractive, so I hit on her and bought her a drink. (I wouldn’t have bought her a drink. That’s a bribe for sex and a relationship.) While we talked there, one thing lead to another and we ended up going to my apartment to have sex afterwards. We had fun at my apartment, and then we had sex again that night in my car when I drove her home. She told me that she wanted to see me again and told me to text her the next day. I did, and we ended up going on an actual date to dinner. We had a good time when I took her out to dinner, and of course had sex afterwards. We had a very good time together, but things got complicated after that when she informed me that she was returning to Arizona, where she lives, for her month and a half college break.
Before she left, she told me that she still wanted to communicate via text while she was away, and we did so for most of the time she was gone. (You should be letting her come to you at this point instead of continuing to call and text her.) However, soon after, she told me she didn’t want to talk to me or see me anymore because she felt pressured to date again and possibly be in a relationship when she got back. (You basically smothered her.) Even when she told me this, we still continued to text each other. After we kept talking, I made the very bad mistake of buying her an expensive necklace, which I bought her for Christmas when she came back. After she returned from her college vacation, I made another big mistake, which now that I look back on was a very creepy thing to do. (This is a bribe for sex. A guy who values himself doesn’t feel like he has to force a woman into a relationship.) I decided to surprise her by putting the bag the necklace was in on the outer doorknob of her apartment. As you can imagine, this totally backfired. She told me she thought the necklace was beautiful, but she couldn’t accept it. She also said she wanted to meet in a public place to say goodbye, and return the necklace to me. I was a little disappointed and ashamed of myself that I had caused her to be afraid of me. Anyway, I got the necklace back and we parted ways. I had invested a lot of feelings into this girl, so I was extremely crushed and saddened when our little love affair ended. (You talked her out of liking you by forcing it.) I didn’t want to let her go, and I wanted very much to get her back, so I waited about a week, and then texted her. (She’s pushing you away, and you’re still pursuing her.) In the text, I informed her that I happened to pass by the restaurant we went out to and reminded her of the good time we had. I then set up a meeting to talk. We met up and talked, but she still didn’t want to start dating again.
I’m still very disappointed in myself for losing her, but I know there is nothing I can do but move on.
My response to 1st email:
The first mistake you made was buying her a drink when you met her. That comes off as a bribe for sex and it’s what most unsuccessful guys do. But the good news is, she obviously was really into you, and you ended up hooking up with her. The first sentence of your email gives a clue as to the problem in your approach. You said a girl that you were pursuing. From that statement and the rest of your email I can tell that you texted her too much and called her too much, and this made her feel like she was in a relationship with somebody she just met. More than likely, she started to back away when she felt like she was losing her freedom, and you started to pursue more trying to force things. Buying her expensive gifts and hanging them on her doorknob is creepy, over pursuing behavior. You basically started acting like a stalker at the end because you were trying to force yourself into her life. You should never contact her again. If she ever reaches out to you in the future, invite her to your place to make dinner together. Hang out, have fun and hook up like I talk about in my book. You need to read my book 10-15 times ASAP to learn the fundamentals of what I teach. You basically never gave this woman any space or time away from you to miss you and develop any feelings for you. You tried to force her to spend time with you by excessively texting, calling and showing up unannounced. As I discuss in my book, you should only see a woman once per week until she starts reaching out and calling you. The phone is for setting dates only, not getting to know someone. You literally talked her out of liking you instead of simply making dates in the evening that could lead to sex by letting her come to you. You should use this article and video as a guide in case you ever hear from her again: “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
Second viewer’s email:
I love your videos, but I need some more personal help. I’ve been dating this girl for about 7 months. It started out casual, but has progressed. She tells me she’s in love, always gives me her time, and does anything for me, but I’m unsure of our future. (This tells me you’re constantly focused on where you stand with this girl. This is needy, insecure, desperate, neurotic behavior, and it’s going to turn her off.) You say the relationship part is up to the woman, but I want to know if this is going anywhere because I can see a future for the two of us. (It has to be her idea.) However, if she’s not in it for that, I want to move on, have a good time and date other girls. How do I bring this up from a masculine stance? (You don’t. You’re thinking like an emotionally irrational woman, not like a man.) I try to future pace her and plant seeds, like saying I want us to go to Spain together, but she doesn’t reciprocate the future projections. (Men who value themselves and perceive themselves as a catch don’t have to use manipulative tactics to bait a woman.) I asked her about this, and her response was that she didn’t know where I stood with our future, but she didn’t ask either! If it’s her job, should I just let it go? (Yes, don’t bring it up. You need to back off so that she is doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing.)
Also noteworthy, she is a tough Latina who can be a bit guarded. (She is guarded because you’re trying to force things.) She’s been through a lot in her life. She has said that communicating her feelings is hard for her, but she communicates LOTS of love, affection, attention and time through her actions and dedication to me.
I feel it’s time to shit or get off the pot. (If you try to force her to make a decision, she will put you in friends zone or bounce you right out of her life. You have to let her come to you and back off.)
My response to 2nd email:
The whole problem I see with your email is that you are fixated on finding out where you stand with this woman and locking her down to a commitment. This tells me you don’t live in the present moment when you are with her, but are stuck in a fearful state worried about what may or may not happen in the future. This causes you to text too much, call too much and constantly be hinting and needing reassurance about where you stand with her. You’re not acting natural and letting her come to you because you’re so focused on trying to force things. When you date a woman for seven months, and she does not fall in love and want to be exclusive with you, it’s always due to the fact that the guy is over pursuing. Like I teach in my book, a man really only has to call for about the first two to three weeks when he starts dating a woman. As her attraction level grows and she starts to feel safe and comfortable, she’ll start to reach out in between dates. Then all the guy has to do is wait to hear from her and make the next date. The more she contacts him, the more they see each other. The less she contacts him, the less they see each other. This way, spending time together becomes her idea. A relationship and marriage becomes her idea. After seven months, you should not be calling, texting or pursuing her in any way. Even 10% is too much at this point. The fact that she says she is unsure of your future means that she’s unsure of how she feels about you. That means sometimes she’s really into you, and other times she thinks she doesn’t want to be with you long term. You’re not dating and courting her properly like I discuss in my book. You need to read my book 10-15 times and start applying what it teaches. The reason she doesn’t reciprocate when you bring up taking vacations together is that she’s really just not that into you. So if I were you, I would slowly back off over the next several weeks to the point where she does 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, and you use the phone to simply set up your next date. Saying she always gives you her time tells me you’re doing most of the pursuing and looking at it as a victory if she agrees to spend time with you. If you don’t back off and start letting her come to you, she’s either going to dump you, or give you the let’s just be friends speech in the near future.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“There are two fundamental ways that you can live your life and make your grandest dreams a reality: 1) Using force to get what you want – this usually involves being in a fearful state and trying to force everyone and everything that you want in your life to be in your life. 2) Using power to get what you want – this involves taking action and moving towards what you want, but looking to make sure that the people and circumstances that you want, also want you. Power assumes and predisposes that it is simply a matter of time before the right people and circumstances show up and effortlessly manifest in your life. Therefore, people who use power to get what they want, understand that continuing to circulate, change their approach and taking action, eventually will lead them to get exactly what they are looking for. Power is the path of least resistance. Using force is equivalent to trying to swim upstream. You may eventually get to where you want using force and excessive effort, but you will be incredibly frustrated, tired, angry, disappointed and it will take you a lot longer to get there than is necessary.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne