The importance of letting go of who you are, what you are and how this can make you feel free at last, so you can make a fresh start, start over and become all that you are capable of being.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who shares her success story of how she finally gained the strength to leave a toxic relationship that has been sapping her enthusiasm for living, energy and making her feel trapped in a life, lifestyle and relationship that no longer serves her. She shares her experiences of how she has continually felt guilty, reminisced about the good times and stuck around for a guy who is addicted to bestiality porn, masturbation and who is a master of manipulation. It’s an inspiring story of a woman who has finally found the courage to start living her life to make herself happy first, instead of making herself miserable while trying to please a toxic person who adds no value to her life. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email:
As I packed my bags this week, I had your playlist on YouTube playing. The things that stood out to me are these…
People bring up the point that you say “Read my book three times, blah, blah, blah.” It’s kind of the same with your videos, as you drone on, Lol. There are aspects of enlightenment that reached me in this difficult week. (As Vince Lombardi said, “Coaching is teaching.” As a coach, my job is to teach fundamentals. People may modify their behavior a little but, but not very much. As a coach, those things to me are really obvious. When a person is in an emotionally painful situation or they’re fearful they are going to lose somebody, it’s like they can’t see what they’re doing, and that’s what a good coach does. We’re not in the situation emotionally, and when we know fundamentals, it’s easy for us to look and point out things they’re doing right versus things they’re doing wrong.) I replayed several videos several times and heard specific things when I acknowledged it and was ready for the next level, so to speak. Ha-ha, I’m an ex-gamer.
If I find myself dwelling or feeling guilty, then I replay your videos. This gives me strength to continue, not reminisce about the good times and continue my quest, again ex-gamer, to crawl out of my deep, deep hole and go my own way. (The key is, in any area of your life, you want to see things as they are, not better than they are or worse than they are. I’m a realist. I’m not here to blow sunshine up anyone’s ass, because it does not serve them.) Not everything or every problem pertains to everybody, but you would have to be a bloody magician to organize your wisdom in such a specific way.
In your timeline, I guess I’m you on the sofa scenario. (I’ve gone through several periods in my life when ‘I was on the sofa,’ so to speak. When things aren’t going well financially, sometimes you’ve got to live like a college student. At the end of the day, your revenues must exceed your expenses. You’ve got two choices. You either increase your income, or you reduce your expenses, because if you’re always spending more than what’s coming in, eventually you’re going to run out of money.) I’m doing something that I have wanted to do my entire life and have finally given up ALL to do it. The problem is, I did it with my ex that said, “Lets be friends. You can live here cheaply, and we can help each other out.” Even though I cried my eyes out, as I had no choice at the time to do this, long story and a different country, I walked in the valley of death. (At 39 years old, it was not fucking fun waiting tables for 9 or 10 months. It was a very humbling experience, but I did it because it was a means to an end. And because I loved what I was doing, I knew eventually I would figure out the right way to market my business model and package up my gifts, my skills and my talents and present it to the world in a way they could say, “This shit is really valuable. This really helps me out a lot.” If you have a compelling reason why, you’ll suffer for your business, because it’s a means to an end.) Fifteen months later, I’m depressed, don’t smile anymore, have my reality crushed on a weekly basis and had lost hope, until I found your YouTube videos. Now I have sold what little else I had, I’m leaving the country and going home. My little inside smile is getting bigger. (That is fucking awesome. Good for you. It takes a lot of courage and a lot of guts to say, “You know what, I’m going to go do something else.” Most people never do that and regret all the things they never did and the risks they never took.) And that’s why I’m writing to say thank you. I will be at peace again, and you have helped me hear through the little voices in my head that convince me that “it’s not all that bad.” (We bullshit ourselves by saying it’s not that bad. Why make yourself miserable? It’s just not worth it.) God I hate that voice. Just one voice, Lol.
Read only if you are bored, ha-ha. My background is… I spent 4 years with a pathological liar, who was probably a narcissist, and an online porn addict. He lied to me for years about his inability to have sex, which turned out was just his way to lie about the fact that bestiality porn, heavily pierced chicks and masturbation was his thing. I only discovered this slowly through gut feelings and hacking into his computer when I faked sickness from work one day. When confronted after 1.5 years, the lies started. (Why do liars lie? They don’t feel people are going to love and accept them, so they make bullshit up in order to gain love and acceptance. And somebody who’s an adult, at this point in his life, this dude’s not going to change. He’s been this way his whole life.) So I broke down those lies one by one, i.e. asked him to get Viagra, try counseling for his porn addiction, tried everything in the bedroom, etc., etc. Then the complex started — I’m too fat, too this, too that, etc, etc. OMG. So I left. (Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. And also, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. When you stick around and allow this shit, you’re enabling that person’s behavior. People tend to project what’s inside in order to make themselves feel better about it. So when you’re not doing the things he wants you to do, he starts in with, you’re too this, you’re too that. It’s all your fault. You’re never going to solve anything when you’re in a relationship with somebody like that, because when he says it’s all you, he absolves himself from any blame. That’s the easy way out.)
Then he started the “I will kill myself” stuff, crying, blah, blah, blah. As a complete idiot, I said “only as friends.” Well, anytime I went on a date, he would get my phone and text the guy ridiculous things. He puts me down constantly about my weight, as he knows it hurts me, and generally overrules everything I say. So there is no border here with this guy, and I really don’t want him in my life anymore. (Good for you. Amen.) Also, he had a child that I helped, doing the legal documents, get from his ex, after she abandoned him with us early on. So a lot of this has been in the best regard for a child that isn’t mine, but I felt needed stability of any sort. I’m over that now. Yeah, I know I’m a sap for crying men and children. So I’m moving home to my own country this Friday, over the flipping moon and chopping off that chain as I leave. (It’s taken you years to get to this point where you’re done with this bullshit. This takes a lot of guts, because quite frankly, most people in this world will never work up the courage to do that. This can start you down a path for the rest of your life, always taking those risks and always going for those things that you really want. Because at least that way, when you’re at the end of your life, you’ll know what you could and couldn’t do, and you went for those things. Why have regrets? The only people who have regrets are people that never really attempt anything, and that’s fucking tragic. I salute you.)
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Deciding to no longer live your life according to the unreasonable expectations of others is one of the smartest decisions you can make that will contribute to and enhance your overall quality of life. Sacrificing your grandest goals and dreams in hopes it will make someone else love or treat you better is a sure fire way to make yourself miserable. You can’t give away what you don’t already have for yourself. The purpose of all relationships is that you go there to give. If you aren’t already happy being by yourself, you will never be happy in a relationship and will find it impossible to make yourself consistently happy in a long-term relationship. When you fall in love with yourself and your life first, only then will you make a good teammate to those with whom you are in a relationship.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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