The importance of maintaining your lovers or potential lovers sense of freedom to come and go as they please and date who they please, and how this will actually cause them to choose you over all others and want to be exclusive and have a monogamous relationship with you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is forty-seven and his ex wife is fifty-two. They were married for eighteen years and divorced seventeen months ago. Shortly after they were divorced, they started dating. In the divorce, he got the house. What’s interesting about this situation is that she still lives there with him. Sometimes she sleeps in his bed, and sometimes she sleeps in the spare bedroom. A few weeks ago, they had a big falling out and she said she was going to move out. That’s when he found my work. He says he realized that over the course of the twenty-three years they were together, that he acted like a needy bitch too many times and in too many ways. When they were married, he often whined about how they did not spend enough time together and he would ignore her for weeks at a time when her attitude towards him was crappy.
He also acted jealous and insecure by invading her space and thinking she was having an affair. He has been dating other women that he has met online, and his ex is also doing online dating. Recently, he said he didn’t want to date anyone else and that they should both take their online dating profiles down. She agreed. However, she still has not taken her online dating profile down and makes excuses when he brings it up. He’s still dating other women, but he really wants to be exclusive with his ex again and asks my opinion on the situation.
I sent you one other email a few weeks ago, so I guess this is an update. I am 47 and my ex wife is 52. Our kids are raised and have moved on. I am now reading your book for the third time and watching your online videos. I was married to this woman for 18 years, and we divorced 17 months ago. We started dating soon after, and she lives in the house I got in the divorce, which is our house we had together. A few weeks ago, we had a big fallout, and she moved to the spare room saying she was moving out. After discovering and reading your book, I realized for the 23 years we were together, that I have acted like a needy bitch too many times in many ways. (It’s good that you can be honest about your mistakes, because you have to see things as they are, not better than they are or worse than they are.) I was whining when we did not spend time together, ignoring her for weeks when we were married and her attitude towards me was crappy, and invading her space thinking she was having an affair. Maybe she was. Who knows.
After this fallout, I put up some online dating profiles and have been on some very successful dates. They all wish to be her replacement, not that I have talked much about her, but none of them are the gal I am madly in love with, so I have not taken any of them out more then once or twice. However, dating is good practice, I am getting good at it, and it helps to ease the pain, at least for a while. (Repetition is the mother of skill.) It’s a little tough to date when your ex wife is living with you though. (It’s an unusual situation, but you’ve got a live-in fuck buddy. There are lots of guys who would love to be in this situation.) My ex, in turn, discovered I was online dating, and now she is as well, seemingly in response to that. I did not deny it. After all, she dumped me, and I told her so. She is a knockout, gorgeous looks wise, and gets a lot of male attention. Ultimately, I discovered her password, and she is getting barraged by guys who are looking to hook up with her. She has expressed interest in meeting a number of guys, and she is online chatting all the time, as I am on the same dating site. I know, bad idea. I have ceased looking, and she has changed her password. It’s nothing but heartbreak in reading that crap.
I asked my ex out on Valentine’s Day. We had a great time and had sex. We have had one other date since, had sex a couple of other times, and I have been fun and have planned romantic dates per your advice. (Your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. That’s it. It’s not to lock somebody down to a commitment.) She is definitely willing to date me, and I have asked her out again for this weekend, but I am not needy, and I’m not buying her gifts or overdoing it. I’m just trying to have fun, hook up and have sex. I am showing her a different guy than before by not acting needy, letting her do her thing without questions, and being friendly by saying have fun, etc., when she goes out, and giving her total space, as I am a drama free zone. (You’ve got to love in such a way that the person you love feels free.) I have also made myself very busy and have not been home as much as before, especially when she is there. And she has noticed, which is somewhat easy since she works nights during the week and I work days. I want her to have mystery as to what this “new guy” is doing and up to. I told her I was reading your book and how I’ve realized how many things I did not know about women until now. I now consider myself a centered, alpha male. I talk to everyone everywhere I go, and I am practicing what you preach every day. I am confident and centered in everything I do, and show fun and great spirits around my ex.
The other day I told her I only wished to date her and no one else, and can we just see where it goes and take down our online profiles? (You said you were an alpha male and you were centered, but this is exactly the opposite of what my book teaches you to do. You’re bullshitting yourself. You are trying to lock her down to a commitment because you fear losing her. This is approval seeking behavior.) She agreed and said okay, but did not take hers down. (Here’s another reason to always look at somebody’s actions.) I confronted her about it after a couple of days, and she was evasive about it like, “I am not sure how to turn that off,” but she is chatting with many guys all the time and setting up meetings, which of course has me freaked out. (You’re in a fearful state, and what you fear you attract. You’re worried you’re going to lose her to another guy, so you are trying to force her back into a relationship. This is the same strategy that caused her to divorce you.) I know from watching your videos that this would be deemed needy behavior, but it’s all so bizarre since we are living together and she sleeps in my bed sometimes. Dating other people just doesn’t seem right. I then said to her something like, “I guess you felt like I was telling you what to do and being controlling,” and to that she agreed. I assume her friends told her she was nuts since I put my profile up first, and they are nudging her to date other guys since she knows I have dated other gals. To my knowledge, she has not yet dated anyone else, but that is about to change. We talked some about online dating, and she seems to blow it off like there are a bunch of losers out there. (Most of them are, especially if they are talking about having sex when they haven’t gone on a date yet. She likes the attention because it’s easy, but she’s fucking you because you live in the same house. It’s pretty convenient for her.) She said, “I need to just take it down,” but I don’t really believe her, as she is certainly setting up dates. She said she would take hers down when she is ready. (When a woman is ready to be exclusive, she’ll bring it up. In other words, shut up about the commitment. Don’t bring it up again.) In turn, I have put mine back up and I am lining up more dates, but since we live together, it is just weird. Dating other people seems insane if she wants to still date me too. (It took her time to fall in love, it took her time to fall out of love, and it will take her time to fall back in love. Just focus on creating an opportunity for sex to happen.)
I know I could lead this relationship like I have not done in 23 years and give her space. By doing so we could both be happy again, and that is what I want more then anything. (Just be her best option. Don’t complicate things.) However, I am afraid that she may just be using me until she finds my replacement, and is only willing to date me so she has a safety net. (Love and enjoy her when she’s around and then date other women when she’s not.) I told her the other day that I did not want to be her roommate or her buddy, and certainly not her safety net. It is my house, and I pay most of the bills. Am I just being used until she finds a better guy? (She already divorced you, but you still have a chance to cause her to fall back in love with you. However, if you don’t stop this needy, desperate behavior, you’re going to drive her out of your house.) My mom has an empty house, and I have considered moving in there for a few weeks until she finds a place, so she can completely wonder about me, and I can essentially walk away and not look back. However, if she wants to still date, how can I do that? (Welcome her when she comes to your bed. She told you she doesn’t want to be tied down.) Should I do this, or just date her once a week since she says she wants to date, following your methods of contact, showing the better me, and continuing to give her space? (Yes, date once a week. Hang out, have fun, and hook up. Just follow this instead of trying to control her and lock her down. As her attraction level grows, she’ll start spending more and more time in your bed. It will take you several months of you doing the right thing.) Should I just break it off, and tell her to let me know if she changes her mind about only dating me? (No way. That would be stupid. Follow the plan I just gave you.) I know that would be the wrong answer if we were not living together, but is it time to walk away to create attraction? (No, you’re getting laid. You walk away when someone says “I don’t want to date you.”) Can I make her jealous with these other dates without being obvious? (Sure. It’s none of her business.) Yes, I am freaking out about her dating other guys, but what can I do? (Be her best option, that’s it. You can’t do anything. It’s none of your business who she’s dating.) I know her attraction level is low with me right now, as you said to always evaluate, and it is at a 5 or 6 in my opinion. Part of me says, let her date these other guys and it will play out with me doing nothing, as I am a better guy than what she will find on the dating site, Plenty Of Fish. (That’s the right approach and mindset.) I know I have to keep dating other women. I love this woman dearly, and I want the best way for a chance to get her back for good and to use what you have taught me as a life long skill. (Trying to lock her down to a commitment is not what I teach. Give her the freedom to come and go and date other guys, and create an opportunity for sex to happen. Treat her properly, and she’ll be in your bed. Don’t treat her properly, and she’ll want to move out and date other guys.)
Thanks so much,
My response to him:
Your problem is that you are completely obsessed and focused on locking her down to a commitment. It’s like you want to possess her so you feel better about yourself. As I discuss in my book, you need to let the woman bring up being exclusive. The bottom line is, she’s keeping her options open, and you should do the same. You’re still acting like a needy, desperate, insecure, controlling jackass by trying to force her to do what you want. That will blow up in your face 100% of the time. You should keep dating and meeting new women, and look at your wife as if she’s a great live-in fuck buddy. When she feels close to you, she’s going to sleep in your bed. When she feels distant, she won’t. You simply need to keep your options open and follow what I teach in my book. Hang out, have fun and hook up. Rinse, recycle, repeat. Your behavior vacillates back and forth between acting like a man and a needy, insecure woman. If you can get to the point where you can consistently maintain your emotional self control and allow her to come and go as she pleases, she may fall back in love, want to be exclusive and ask you to stop dating other women. There are a lot of guys that would love to have a live-in lover who they basically have an open relationship with. However, if you keep trying to force things, it’s just a matter of time before she boots you out of her life for good.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“As Thich Nhat Hanh says, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” In order for an exclusive, monogamous relationship to happen easy and effortlessly, you must maintain the other person’s feeling and sense of freedom to come and go as they please. Human beings naturally and instinctively resent, and will rebel against, other people who try to take away their freedom or control them. Love is about giving. The purpose of all relationships is that you go there to give. The moment you start trying to possess or control a lover who has a healthy self-esteem, is the moment that you will start driving them away from you and causing them to lose interest. The strongest way to create attraction is to love them, but to give them the freedom to choose you, someone else or no one at all.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne