Freedom To Choose

Why you should give romantic partners the freedom to choose you, someone else or no one at all, in order to give them the best possible incentive to chose you over everyone else.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who has had a mostly digital and virtual long distance relationship with a guy in The United States of America. She is from Paris, France. They have been “seeing each other” for the past year. They were supposed to meet together in person later this year. A woman he had a one night stand with seven months ago just got in contact with him recently to inform him she was pregnant with his child.

She originally thought the baby’s father was her current boyfriend, but after a blood test during a hospital stay, due to pregnancy complications, the tests revealed it was his baby. Now he and this woman who is pregnant with his child are going to meet, since they are going to be parents. The emailer is freaking out since she may lose this guy to another woman months before they were supposed to be together. He also never sent her an anniversary gift this past month when their one-year anniversary happened. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.

Hello Coach,

A very good day to you. I am a new subscriber, I have been following you for quite some time now, and I need a shoulder to cry on. I am writing this email with so much heaviness in my heart and so many tears, that I do not even know where exactly to start. I’m going to try to be really brief.

I live in Paris, France, and my boyfriend lives in Chicago, Illinois. I met my boyfriend on a dating website, and things were so beautiful and good at the initial stage. (People can hide who they are and be on their best behavior for the first 90 days of a relationship. Once you get past that point, you can get to know what they’re really like.) We shared so much in common and talked about our future and our accomplishments together, which made us so fond of each other. We couldn’t go a day without speaking with one another, which was nice for a new relationship. (It’s always important to notice what the other person is doing and how much they’re contributing to the relationship. The one who cares the least has the least to lose and is in a stronger position of power.) We were already planning our first live meeting, and also planning for me to travel to Chicago for us to close the distance, sometime between November and December of this year, before all hell broke loose some weeks ago. We had our first anniversary last month in July, and I was nice enough to send him some gifts. (It doesn’t sound like you’ve actually met this guy in person. Really, you two are digital pen pals. You should not be buying gifts for one another when you haven’t even met in person. I highly recommend you read “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman to gain insight on how people communicate love differently.) We used to send each other items, just to remain connected with one another, but for whatever reason, he didn’t send an anniversary gift to me. (Keep in mind, you haven’t met in person, so this relationship is more of a fantasy than a real relationship.) I was a little worried, but I tried not to be insecure, and thought he was probably busy because he had to travel out of Chicago to Vegas at that time. (He’s traveling around the US, yet he can’t fly over to meet you? Both people need to make the effort to see one other, and it shouldn’t take a whole year. That’s ridiculous.)

I have had terrible breakups in the past, which almost took my life, so I had been single for close to two years before I met this guy online. (It sounds like you took time to heal and get over the previous breakup, which is a good thing. As Oscar Wilde said, after a breakup, you’ve got to spend time alone in order to get to know who you are, so you are not defined by the other person.) I am 26, and he is 29. We are both in PhD programs trying to achieve life goals, which made us see ourselves as equals and the best matches for one another. (You’re only 26 so you don’t have a lot of life experience, and you’re being unrealistic. The reality is, you’re projecting a fantasy onto this guy, but you haven’t even kissed him yet.) Then, during our time of being so fully committed in this relationship phase, he received a call last week from a lady he had a “one night stand” with seven months ago. When he told me this story, I cried for days. Well, fast-forward to what she had called him for… it was to tell him she was pregnant and was carrying his child. Although this lady had thought the child was her current boyfriend’s, a complication happened during the pregnancy, and when the doctors tested the child’s blood, they found out the blood type didn’t match up with her and her current boyfriend, but it did match up with my man. When he told me this whole tale, he was stammering and trembling. He said he had stayed up 24 hours staring at his phone and thinking of how he could possibly pass this message to me, because in the relationship, we had promised to be open to each other, no matter how difficult or strange the story might be, and he had been so faithful with that. (Honesty is the best policy.)

Now they have both agreed to get to know each other and have a “lunch date” thing to see if they would be compatible for the baby’s sake. (There was nothing really there seven months ago when it was a one night stand.) I DO NOT KNOW IF I SHOULD STAND BY HIM AT THIS DIFFICULT TIME, OR LET HIM GO. (The only thing you can really do is let him go. The best thing you can do is nothing. You haven’t even met yet, and he doesn’t sound like he’s been a faithful guy, even if you just have a virtual relationship.) This past week has been difficult for me, because I have been trying to give him the space he needs, but I am losing it already. (At the end of the day, you’ve got to give him the space to choose what’s best for him. You should also ask yourself what’s best for you.) He told me repeatedly that he doesn’t like her enough to want to marry her, but my worry is, I am not in Chicago at the moment. The long distance relationship is already bad enough for me, not to mention this whole scenario with the baby mama drama. I do not know if I should wait for him, or let him go. (Keep your options open. Let him do the pursuing, and see what else is out there.)

I feel we deserve each other, and I already promised him I was going to be around, but then again, I feel I shouldn’t be caught in between this whole mess. (What value is he adding to your life?) I love him, even though I haven’t said it to him yet. I can’t do anything without letting him know, and vice versa as well. (You’re infatuated with your idea of this guy but you don’t really know what he’s like.) He is about to tell his parents about the situation, but at the end of the day, it’s just him, the “Man” in this urban battle, that matters. (It has nothing to do with you. Let him make his choice, and live your life. He should be in the back of the line for you.)

Please come to my aid, because I am already losing it. (Luckily you haven’t spent the money to come over and see him yet. He doesn’t seem very faithful or like loyalty and commitment mean anything to him. You should save yourself for a relationship with somebody who has the same standards and values as yourself.) I feel I don’t get lucky with men and relationships at all. (Don’t wait around for this guy to make a decision. Move on with your life and keep dating.) I really do not know what to do. I am in total confusion. Although the baby is said to be born in September of this year, and they are going to run a DNA test, the lady seemed so certain that he is the father of the child.

HELP PLEASE! I look forward to your reply. GOD BLESS YOU. (If your goal is to have a healthy relationship, then you need to have it with someone who places a high value on loyalty, communication, commitment and being faithful. I don’t see that in this guy. You’re better served by saying no thanks to him, and to keep searching.)

Kind Regards,

Jessica

“Freedom is an essential ingredient to love, setting proper boundaries and healthy relationships. When we feel like any kind of relationship infringes upon or reduces our freedom, we naturally resent this. When we feel like we are losing our freedom, we tend to withdraw so we can express our freedom and individually elsewhere, unimpeded. In order to be secure and comfortable in a relationship, we must know that the other person has freely chosen to be with us out of desire, instead of need or necessity. The only way to know if someone has chosen us freely and enthusiastically is to give them the space and time to choose us, someone else or no one at all.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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