How to turn a friend into a girlfriend, who recently became single and communicates her romantic interest.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for 6 months. He is 52 and divorced for 10 years. Four years ago, he became friends with a woman he feels is his dream woman. She had a boyfriend until recently and then asked if they could be more than friends. She tends to be hot and cold and recently canceled a date at the last minute saying it was moving too fast.
He asks if he should date other women and treat her the same as women he just met. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He’s familiar with my work and has been trying to implement it, but you can tell he’s pedestalized this woman so much, so he’s kind of dopey, a little too nice, a little too overeager. And the problem is he’s getting hot and cold behavior from her. And so, he had a date set with her and then she canceled at the last minute saying, “Oh, things are moving too fast.” So, he’s like, “How do I turn her into my girlfriend?” I mean, part of the problem is the fact that he’s focused on that in the first place, instead of the famous three H’s: hang out, have fun and hook up.
Quite frankly, the majority of people are going to meet those day date through their social circle, through what they do for fun. Just going to a friend’s barbecue on the weekend, and one of the guy’s girlfriends or wives invite some of her female coworkers who are hot and single. They all happen to be hanging out, and because you know them, they know you, you know lots of other people there, then what happens is you’ve already got social proof. And so, it makes it really easy to get to know people in that environment.
Like, attracts like, and people that like the same things tend to like each other. Therefore, you’re typically going to be dealing with with people, especially in this case, women obviously, that have similar goals, similar values, similar interests. So, it’s pretty easy to come up with things to talk about when you like the same things. So, what happens when somebody in your social circle or that you just encounter in your daily life that you befriend, but maybe they’re taken in this case, then the next time you bump into them, they’re single all of a sudden?
Hi Coach Corey,
I came across your work six months ago, and I’ve listened to 3% Man three times so far. No exaggeration. It has changed my life.
Well, I’m going to bust your balls because as I talk about in “3% Man,” and especially the very beginning of the book, you’re going to retain what you see, what you hear, what you read about 78% of it each time you go through it. And so, if you’ve been through this book three times, maybe you’ve committed 20%, 21%, 23% of the book to memory. That’s enough to kind of get you confused, and what happens is you kind of come off as trying to use too many techniques.
The idea is, when you read it 10 to 15 times, you know the material backwards and forwards. You understand how pickup transitions into dating, and dating transitions into relationship, and how you need the pickup and dating skills to maintain her interest when you’re in a relationship to keep the courtship going. Guys that just read it three times and then get into a relationship, what happens is they get some attainable success, but they can’t sustain it.
And so, this guy’s been following me for six months and he’s only been able to get through the book three times. That tells me he’s kind of a mediocre student, kind of half-assing it, trying to cherry pick a few things because he figures, “Oh, I’m only going to learn a few things. I don’t really need to read this book 10 to 15 times.” But when you read his email, you can tell there are issues here creating and maintaining attraction to the point where she’s craving him, she’s trying to get his time and attention. But because his interest is so high, he’s projecting his high interest and his fantasy of what he wants her to be onto her, while he’s ignoring everything else, because he’s kind of in la la land. And this is a bad way to go.
I’m 52 years old, been divorced for almost 10 years. I own a very successful business that caters to fit and beautiful women.
Well, that definitely sounds like a winner. That’s a good problem to have, a good business to be in.
I’m attractive, in great physical shape, and health. None of this has helped me, because I had no game.
Yeah, you could be one of the best looking guys in the world, but if you act like a beta male consistently, you’re going to get friendzoned and blown off and get a lot of women who are initially really into you being confused, not sure where they’re able to be at this point in their lives. They only think of you as a friend, they’re not ready for a relationship. You’ll get stuff like that, which is no fun when you really like somebody.
Four years ago, I met the woman of my dreams.
You can’t really know that she’s the woman of your dreams, dude. You’re projecting your fantasy, and then you’re kind of filling in the blanks and assuming all these things about her, when you really just don’t know.
Not just physically, but spiritually. I knew the moment I saw her walking across the parking lot. At the time we met, she had been in a long-term relationship, but our spiritual pull kept us together as very close, maybe even best friends.
Maybe this guy’s a personal trainer or something like that at a high end club. Which again, that’s a good problem to have. I’ve had friends over the years that were personal trainers, and they were always dating women that were like half their age. It’s just going to happen when you spend a lot of time, and you’re fit and you’re in shape, you’re funny, you’re witty, and you’ve got lots of other hot female clients.
When one hot female girl leaves and then another hot female client is coming in, they’re going to be looking at each other and she’s going to be thinking, “I bet he’s sleeping with her. She really seems to like him.” Especially when they come up and give you a big hug, and kiss on the cheek, and tell you how much they missed you. They’ve got so much to tell you and fill you in on, and whatever happened to happen. And it could be totally platonic, maybe she’s in a relationship or whatever, but women tend to fill in the blanks. Which is good, because this gives you social proof.
She recently broke up with her long-term boyfriend, and eventually asked whether I thought her and I should pursue more than just friendship. I said “yes.”
You could have said, “Well, maybe we could start off with friendship benefits? I know you just went through a breakup. Maybe I can help you out with a little rebound sex.” Love is playful and fun. Have fun with it. If she’s saying something like that, she’s basically saying, “Hey, I’m open to sleeping with you now.”
As a I talk about in “3% Man,” the man’s job in the courtship is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. And she’s saying, “Hey, what do you think of more than friends?” Well, if you’re more than friends, that means romance. That means kissing and having sex. Simple as that. So, she’s communicating that she’s open to that. But if the guy’s got her on a pedestal, he’s thinking, “Oh, I’m Mr. White Knight. I don’t want her to think I’m thinking inappropriate thoughts.” I mean, she just basically told you, in a G-rated way, that she’s open to sleeping with you and dating you. Because she probably assumes you’re sleeping with half of your other hot female clientele.
She said she needed time to process the ending of her long-term relationship and we should take it slow.
If she’s saying something like that in a case like this, I would be letting her do 100% of the pursuing, 100% of the reaching out. Because she’s saying, “Hey, I need time.” Take all the time you want.
You should be learning the book and applying it with other women. I say this a lot, but I’m going to say it again, and it’s important. You should look at a physical or digital copy of the book while you’re listening to the audiobook on 2-speed. You can get through the book in under 2 hours. Plus, by seeing the words as they’re being spoken to you, you’re going to focus way more on the material, versus just playing the audiobook in the background, or even just trying to read the book while other things are going on around you.
You’re going to concentrate better and retain more of it if you’re listening to it and you’re watching the words as they’re being spoken. And if you do it on 2-speed, you can get through the book and under 2 hours. So, you’ve followed me for six months and you’ve only been through the book three times, it’s like, come on, dude. You’ve got to step up your game. That shows a lack of discipline on your part and a lack of being a serious student.
I’ve allowed her to do all of the pursuing (texting, calling) but have made my feelings very clear to her. (Maybe too clear?)
Yeah, what you’ve got to understand is that the way women look at this, when they start dating a guy, “Is he good for me? Do I like him? Would we be good together? Will he treat me well?” That’s the attitude you should have, instead of, “Oh, you’re my dream woman. I’m ready to marry you.” I mean, you might not have said that, but you give off that vibe. That’s why he says “maybe too clear,” and I would say, probably.
I’m willing to take this slow, but the end goal is us being together.
You can tell he’s all focused on locking her down to a relationship, because he’s convinced himself she’s his dream woman.
She pursues very hard but then gets scared and backs away when she thinks it’s happening too quickly.
That’s why when you see her backing up, whether you realize it or not, you’re going to be in a little too much of a rush to make things happen quickly. And so, what I would be doing, if you notice that she’s got a lot of hot and cold behavior, I’d be putting the dates off in the future, maybe several days, or four or five days out in the future and make her wait.
And on top of that, you should be dating other women, because the goal is to get competent and proficient at it. So, if you read this three times in six months, you don’t know the material well enough to even practice on anybody else. And it just sounds like from his email that he’s really not doing much dating or spending any other time with other women. So, how can you possibly get better?
Repetition is the mother of skill. You don’t get fit and in shape by reading books and blogs and watching videos about being fit and in shape. You get fit and in shape by going to the gym and being disciplined in your diet. Simple as that. You have to put the time in, and I can tell you’re not putting the time in to learn the material, and that’s why you’re getting hot and cold.
But it’s also possible that she’s kind of a fruit loop. And more than likely, if she was with this guy for several years – because you’ve known her for four years now and she just got out of a relationship – if she’s super hot, the dude’s probably going to be trying to come back into her life. And so, he’s got more emotional leverage with her than you do, just because of the time they spent together. And so, when you try to push things a little further and you’re little too overeager, she can feel that. She can feel when you like her more than she likes you. That’s when she typically backs off.
I have not fallen back into my old ways by trying to chase when she pulls away. It’s hard, but I wait for her to return, and so far, it always works.
That’s why you need to have other women in your life, because you don’t really know her. All you know is the fantasy that you’ve created in your mind about what you think she’s like. But as you’ll see it in a second, when she makes dates and then cancels them at the last minute, that’s a red flag. That’s not a good sign. It could mean she’s a fruit loop. It could mean she’s still hooking up with the ex. There may be some other guy that’s more alpha than you are, that’s actually got tighter game, because you’re just sloppy here with communicating your interests like that.
Women do not care how much you like them. They only care about how they feel about you. And so, when she makes a date and then cancels it, what it’s communicating to you and you should be paying attention to is she ain’t feeling as into you as you thought she was. That’s why you should always underrate her attraction level to you.
Last week she asked me out on a date/road trip…
I wouldn’t be going on weekend road trips if you just started hanging out. Because if you plan a three day weekend with a girl you’ve only been out on a couple of dates with, despite the fact you may have known her for four years and been a friend, that feels like something you’re going to do in a boyfriend-girlfriend type of situation. It’s just too much too soon.
It’s it works better if you put women off a little bit. Especially when their interest is high, you’ve got to go slightly slower than they do. And so, when she suggests, “Hey, let’s go take a three day weekend road trip,” and you’ve only been out on a couple of dates, and I don’t think he’s even slept with her yet, because he doesn’t mention anything like that, it seems like she communicated her interest and he’s like, “Hey, I’m in. Now, I’m going to make her my girlfriend.” And that tells me he’s just not paying attention.
He’s paying attention to his interest in her, but ignoring the fact that she’s just not as into him as he is into her. Because in his mind he’s like, “Hey, this is my dream woman.” He’s already thinking, “We’re going to get married. We’re going to live happily ever after,” and she’s still in the phase of “Ehh, do I like this guy?” Plus, she just had a breakup with a guy she was with for multiple years. And so, if she breaks up with him and weeks later she’s out on dates with you, you have to expect hot and cold behavior. It’s even in the book. It explains this, when you get involved with somebody in a recent breakup.
That’s why if you had other choices and you had other options, you had other women you were going out with, dating and sleeping with, right now, what is one woman in your life? That’s no choice at all. Two women in your life is a dilemma. And three, that’s a choice. You should have at least three different women that you’re talking to and dating. And you’re going to spend your time with the women who are the most easygoing, the most easy to get along with, and the sex is really good.
Somebody that’s making dates and then canceling, they’re hot one moment, cold the next, that’s why you have other women. Because you should be looking at that behavior going, “You know what? That’s not ideal. I don’t really like that. I’m not excited about the fact she calls me, invites me to do something, and then wants to back up and cancel at the last minute because it’s moving too fast.”
When she says it’s moving too fast, what that means is you need to pump the brakes. Whether you realize it or not, you’re being way too overeager, and she can feel that. And women like you more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them. It’s just a fact of life. It doesn’t matter whether you like it or not. I’m just here to tell you the way it is.
…only to cancel the day before because she’s scared it’s “moving too fast” and “what if it doesn’t work out?”
If she says, “Well, what if it doesn’t work out?” you say, “Well, at least we can have fun and have some great sex in the meantime. What’s the issue? Let’s just get together.” Especially if she wants to try to back out, you want to hold her accountable to it. It’s like, “Oh, you’re being silly. Oh, come on, don’t be ridiculous. We’ve known each other for four years, we’re going to go have a good time. It’s not a marriage proposal. Besides, I want to see what you’re really like. I don’t know that you’re the perfect woman for me.”
Even though you may be feeling that inside, or maybe you’ve communicated that, but you want to communicate through your words and your actions that you’re selective, that you’re taking your time. And it’s clear that you are communicating you’re too eager and you’re in a rush. You’re worried that somebody else is going to steal her.
Coach Corey, my question is, is it possible for best friends to make that transition?
Best friends with a chick? Come on, man. It absolutely is, but if you act dopey, and you act like a little girl, and you overpursue, and you project your fantasy onto her, and you ignore the fact that you’re trying to go faster than she is, you’re going to get stuck in friendzone and get blue balls. And if the ex is in the background, and more than likely he is, then all you’re going to do is drive her back into his arms, or drive her into the arms of another guy whose game is way more tight than yours is.
Again, I can tell by your effort and how much time you spent trying to learn the book and the material, you’re just not a serious student. You’re trying to half-ass it and cut corners, and that’s why you’re getting this hot and cold behavior. You’re not doing what’s in the book. You’re just cherry picking a few things here and there, figuring that’s going to help you get to the promised land of a relationship that you’re looking for.
And meanwhile, you’re making all these other mistakes that are making you look unattractive and like you’ve got nothing else going on in your personal life. If you’ve got two or three other women that you’re dating and sleeping with, your attitude should be, “Hey, you know what? She just got out of a relationship. I’ve known her for four years. Women are hot and cold when they come out of a relationship right away, so I’m not going to really put a lot of eggs in that one basket there, even though I really like her. I want to see, who is the best woman for me. I want to keep my options open.” Because more than likely, she’s keeping her options open but she’s just not telling you about it.
Considering the circumstances, should I be as patient as I have been, or should I be treating her the same as someone I just met?
Thanks for changing the world and the lives of so many.
Well, what does the book say? Treat all women the same. It’s like, duh. So, right there, it gives away that you’re pedestalizing her and treating her differently than everybody else that you just met. It’s like you’re coming from the place of, “Oh, yeah, we’re going to be in a relationship really soon.” And so, you’re trying to act like her boyfriend, and that’s why it’s freaking her out, because she’s literally going from intimacy with one dude to intimacy with you. It’s too much too soon. You’re not following what the book teach teaches, and that’s partly why. Assuming that she’s normal.
Now, she could be a total fruit loop. She could be on tons of medications. You don’t know what’s really going on in her life. You just have the bottom line her actions. If you bottom her actions, you’ve got to look at it and go, “I don’t really like her behavior. I don’t like a woman canceling a date at the last minute, going, ‘Oh, we’re moving too fast.'” If a woman cancels a date, don’t ask her out again until she brings it up. And then when she does bring it up, make her wait a week and a half to see you. Maybe even two weeks, “Oh, I am real jammed up. Sorry, I can’t see you, but I can get together in about a week and a half from now,” or “I can get together in two weeks on Saturday,” and make her wait.
Take your time returning her texts and returning her phone calls. Again, you can’t act like her boyfriend, because that ain’t working for you, dude. You should be paying attention to that. You’re getting all dopey, you’re projecting your high interest on her, and you’re just simply not paying attention to her actions, which are communicating that interest ain’t that high. It’s not as high as you want it to be, and that’s why you need to have other choices and other options. It’s a bad way to go to pedestalize a woman, because when you do that, you ignore everything else. You’ve got her on a pedestal, “Oh, this is my dream woman.” Well, if she was your dream woman, she wouldn’t cancel a date, especially a date that she asked you out on. So, that should tell you something.
Maybe you’re texting too much, you’re saying too many dopey things in your texts. And as the book says, just because you’ve known her for four years, it doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t be texting her all the time. The phone is for setting dates. And so, you’re probably violating all of these principles and thinking, “Oh, this doesn’t really apply to me, because I have all this rapport with her, because I’ve known her for four years, and she’s my dream woman.” But if you bottom line her actions, you’re getting jerked around, because you’re opening yourself up to it. It also communicates that you’re not really valuing your time.
If the date gets canceled on you for “Oh, it’s it’s moving too fast,” you say, “You know what, let’s take a step back. Why don’t you take some time to be present with your feelings. And when you really miss me, and you want to hear my voice, and you want my sweet kissy-poo again, then reach out.” Then, don’t call her or text her for any reason.
Like I said, in this situation, I’d be doing zero pursuing. I mean, he did say that he was doing that. But like I said, just the way you’re going about it, the mindset you have in your email, you’re all focused on trying to lock her down to a commitment, and that tells me you’re in your feminine energy. And when you’re in your feminine, and you you vacillate back and forth between masculine and feminine energy, you get all that squirrelly behavior from women. And again, that’s assuming the woman is normal and healthy. But right now, she’s displaying behavior that should be causing you to back up a little bit and not be so eager to drop what you’re doing and make plans with her, or to take her phone call, or whatever.
If she’s canceled a date on you, just like the book says, if she calls you after 6:00 or 7:00 at night, I’d return the call the next day or text the next day. “Oh, what were you up to?” “Oh, I was out with a friend, went and had some drinks with the boys” or hung out with a friend for dinner, or whatever. “Oh, who?” “Oh, it’s nobody, you know. Hey, how you been? What’s going on?” Change the subject. Whoever is asking the questions is the one running the conversation.
You’ve got to be a little bit more mysterious, because you want her trying to get your attention. But instead, you’ve been 100% focused on trying to get her attention and lock her down, and it’s blowing up in your face. Because you’re basically doing the opposite of what the book teaches, and you’re not going to be successful with this approach or this mindset that you’ve adopted.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur