Probably the most frustrating position for a guy to be in is when he becomes friends with a woman in hopes that eventually something romantic will happen between the two of them. Guys rationalize that since they are already friends, all they have to do is ask their girl “friend” to be in a relationship with them. As if women are like light switches where you can turn the friendship switch off and the relationship switch on; sorry women are not designed that way.
Women want to be in a love story that just happens slowly over time. Men are all logically driven; and the ones who do not understand women, incorrectly assume women fall in love the same way as men. Women are emotional beings who fall in love slowly over time based upon how a man makes them feel continuously during the courtship. Men are visual creatures who tend to fall in love through their eyes.
Raising a woman’s level of interest in you to the point where she starts thinking about you more in terms of a steady relationship or boyfriend, instead of a “friends with benefits” or casual dating kind of way, is an art. Not a science. Men become frustrated and angry because women take time and respond to different stimuli then men do romantically. Women become afraid of and uncomfortable around men who are fearful, men who try to force things or men who are needy and therefore try to control things. Women are physically (usually) weaker than men, and therefore, always are going to be cautious about putting themselves in situations where men could potentially force them to do something they are not ready to, or don’t want to do.
The following is an e-mail I got from a reader. He wants to turn his girl “friend” into a “friend with benefits”, but she’s already shot him down. He made the typical rookie mistake of asking her to be in a relationship with him, when they have not even gone out on a first date! He’s made some really bad blunders, and I don’t think he’s read my book yet. I give him some tips using playful banter and sexual innuendo, that will give him the best possible chance to turn his girl “friend” into a “friend with benefits.” My comments (are in bold brackets like this) in the body of his e-mail:
I read your article on: When A Woman You Like Only Wants To Be Friends.
Basically, I’m in a situation were I do have a woman who I really want to be in a relationship with – and I’ve told her this. (Mistake. Out of sequence. Women decide after you’ve been dating awhile that they want you all to themselves. When they feel this way, they make you their boyfriend. It’s not up to the man to decide this. It’s the woman’s deciding that you made the cut, and have caused her romantic interest level in you to hit the 90% level, after usually at least two months of steady dating and sex. Women date with a “let’s just see what happens attitude.” Asking a woman to be in a relationship with you who is only your friend, is about as effective as walking up to a beautiful woman who is a total stranger to you, and asking her to move in with you and be your girlfriend; it would be absurd to ask this. It’s that same kind of fucking absurdity level when you ask a woman you are not dating to be your girlfriend. That’s something to think about. You can download the Amazon Kindle version of my book to your Smartphone, PC, Mac or iPad in under 60 seconds for only $9.99 by CLICKING HERE to learn the basics of approaching, dating & understanding what women really want in a man.) And she said no; she sees me as a friend. (Every woman will reject you who you try this approach on. It works in the movies and on TV, but not in real life.)
I always said to myself that when I plucked up the courage to tell her, whatever her response was, we’d still be friends. So I told her, and we are friends – as good as ever. Thankfully. (How’s the blue balls treatin ya?)
The problem is, that I don’t think she was completely honest with me. I know what to look for in terms of when a girl likes you – and there were so may signs there; even just down to subtle things, like loads of kisses at the end of texts, (Digital kisses are not equal to real kisses. You are projecting your own high level of romantic interest onto her. You’re not being objective. You over-rate her interest in you.) to the lesser subtle things like when we went out together she was gently punching my balls as a laugh. (You should have said, “Easy baby, be gentle with my boys. You should kiss me really passionately to make up for treating my balls like a punching bag.” Her: “Well, you spread your legs so I could do it.” You: “I just made it easy for you to experience some of the impure thoughts you have been having about me. If you are really a good kisser… and… you play your cards right… just… maybe… you’ll be lucky enough to have my balls on your forehead later tonight!” 😉 Playful banter and sexual innuendo. Charming, silly and a little outrageous. This is how you bring up screwing around together. In a playful teasing kind of way. It’s a playful attitude of “I know you want me, but I may have to reject you if you ruin your chances with me.” Love is playful and fun, not serious.)
I was just so certain that she liked me, so I was really surprised when she said no. I just want to know what you would do? Would you pursue it, or let it go and be thankful we’re still friends? (You got to read my book ASAP! Then get busy applying what I teach on other women, and your girl “friend”. Don’t call, text or pursue her at all anymore. Only respond to her contacting you. When she contacts you, make plans for you and her to go out and do something fun at night together. Darts, pool, miniature golf, sports bar, etc. Have some drinks and be some place where you can hang, chat, mess with each other and treat her like your bratty little sister. Only do something with her once a week at the most. This way, the only way you will spend any time together is if she has contacted you first. If you go out with her twice and she’s not touching your arm, flicking her hair, playing with her hair, bumping into you as you walk or interact together, standing too close, etc. and she is a cold fish, then stop asking her to do things. Wait for her to bring up you two doing something together, then say, “I think you should grab a bottle of wine, come on over and seduce me.” Unless she agrees to come over with a bottle of wine, then just say, “I’m going to just hang tonight. Give me a call if you change your mind.” Every time she contacts you after that, have the same speech. Like a broken record. You want her, and want her to come over and seduce you. Either she will throw in the towel and come seduce you, or she will stop calling you. You either get what you want, or she will remove herself from your life so you can focus on meeting a woman who has mutual romantic interest in you. Right now you have put your personal life on hold for her. Bad idea. If you are dating and sleeping with other women, you won’t care so much or obsess so much over your girl “friend”.)
And if you would pursue it, or even if you wouldn’t, do you have any advice on what to say to her to bring the subject back up again? (see above)
Thanks a lot.
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“The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.” ~ Mark Twain