Friends With Benefits: Is She Girlfriend Material?

How to determine if your friends with benefits is girlfriend material or not.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been considering turning his friend with benefits into his girlfriend. However, she often displays inappropriate behavior such as inviting attention from other men when they are together and doing some other questionable things that make him unsure if he wants to transition her into his girlfriend. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Most relationships tend to start out as kind of casual love affairs. You start hanging out, you have fun when you’re hanging out, you start hooking up, and then it just kind of casually progresses from there. All marriages, all relationships, at least in the West, typically start off that way. Well, there are grey areas. Like this particular guy, he met this girl, started hanging out and hooking up with her. He wasn’t really super into her, but over time she started getting attached, started hinting that she wanted to be exclusive with him. He was going to be working away from home for a few months, I guess, for his job. She wanted to lock him down before he went off to do that. But there is some questionable behavior on her part.

If you understand what’s in 3% Man, and especially if you’ve watched one of my favorite old time movies, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” what you notice is that the most eligible bachelor in town, George Bailey, (the late actor, Jimmy Stewart), he wants nothing to do with the town. He is just waiting for his brother to graduate school, and then he can go off and see the world and build his empire.

All of the pretty girls in town are trying to get his attention, especially Mary, who he ultimately gets married to. She’s had a crush on him since they were kids, always wanted to grow up and live happily ever after with him. Through the whole movie, it’s basically a retelling of their love story and how they got together. And she’s always trying to win him over and get him to settle down, have babies, live happily ever after, white picket fence, the whole nine yards, and he’s just not having it.

And so, typically, that’s how most romances start. The most eligible bachelor, the most successful guy in town, whatever you want to call it, all of the women want to date him. And that’s a big part of what my book is about, is developing yourself into an attractive man, that you’ll have lots of choices and lots of options with women. And so, when you start living that way, the reality is most people are just mediocre people, men and women both, they’re mediocre, and it really doesn’t take a whole hell of a lot of work to set yourself apart from the average person.

I mean, the stats are these days, 74% of Americans are either obese or they’re overweight. And so, if you’re just fit and in shape, you’ve already eliminated 74% of your competition. So, it really doesn’t take a lot to become more successful than the average human being or guy, if you will, that you may be competing against to create the conditions where women are going to notice you and go, “Wow, that’s a rare guy. There’s very few dudes like that.” But if you’re just an average schmuck, then it’s going to be a lot harder to find somebody that really knocks your socks off.

And if you become successful, you focus on raising your value that you bring to the marketplace, growing your reserve of knowledge, developing your gifts, your skills, your talents, and becoming successful in your career or your business if you’re an entrepreneur, women love competent, successful, competent guys.

And so, this particular guy, just in casually living his life, meets this girl. He’s like, “Eh, she’s kind of cool.” They started hanging out, having fun and hooking up. He starts to develop a little bit of feelings for her as well, but she’s displaying questionable behavior. So, the question is, when should you transition from friends with benefits to a girlfriend, and when should she just remain a friends with benefits? And this is a good email for that.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey, 

First, thank you for your work and everything you do. It really is a godsend. I recently had a topic you discuss often, that I couldn’t see happening, happen to me. I met the girl about three months ago. We hit it off well and things were going as they should; she was doing nearly 100% of the pursuing after the first date, and we would have a great time every date and hookup. To tell the truth, I found her somewhat attractive and did not have any deep feelings for her. Because of this, I took the relationship with a carefree mindset, which probably made her even more attracted to me. 

Well, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And in this case, he’s not trying to lock her down to a commitment or put a ring on her finger as quickly as possible, which is typically what you see in the movies and television programs that are made today. Whereas, when you go to the old school stuff, especially things made in the 1940s, 1950s, even the early 1960s, the women are always trying to get the attention of men and lock down the most successful, eligible bachelor that they can find.

But nowadays, you’ve got multiple generations of men and women that have been brainwashed, where you’ve got the women acting like men, and you’ve got the men acting like women, which totally ruins the sexual polarity and turns women off. And this particular guy, as you’re seeing here, is emanating the right vibe, the right energy, where he’s not trying to get locked down by anybody. And so, this makes her want him even more.

But the important thing is, does she have integrity? Is she displaying characteristics of a woman who’s going to be loyal and faithful? Or, is she just a fun hookup girl, a party girl that you can hook up with and have fun for a few months, until you find somebody you really click with who does have the morals and the character that you’re looking for? And a lot of guys make the mistake of getting in a relationship with women that they just should not. They project their fantasy of what they want, and and they ignore the fact that the woman’s reality doesn’t match their fantasy.

Things continued well, and sure enough she brought up exclusivity to me. I was moving to a new city in a few weeks for a few months for work, and she didn’t want me to see anyone else there.

Again, if you apply what’s in “3% Man,” this will be your reality. This is what you’re going to get used to.

I suppose I could have lied to her, but instead told her I wasn’t ready for a relationship yet, and that if it was meant to be, everything would work out while I was gone and when I returned. She didn’t like this much, and problems really started from here.

If a woman is trying to win you over, convince you to choose her over all of the other women that you have a chance with, she’s going to want to be on her best behavior, you would think. Unless, of course, she’s just a party girl that belongs to the streets.

A major problem happened recently. We were out at the bars and she was giving other guys attention, something she had done before and I told her not to.

Well, a woman who really values you and is submissive, when you tell her things one time, she’s not going to continually violate your boundaries. She’s going to respect them, because she doesn’t want to do anything to screw it up and lose you. She wants you to know that she’s a good girl and she’s devoted to you. And the woman in this email here seems to take the opposite approach.

He says he doesn’t like her giving attention to the guys when they’re together. Remember, this is the one who eventually wants to lock him down. Why would you want to be committed to a woman who’s constantly inviting attention from other men and flirting with other men? Maybe it’s to make you jealous, or maybe just because she belongs to the streets. Either way, this is not the kind of behavior that you want to see from a girl who’s trying to convince you to become her boyfriend, or ultimately, someday down the road, her husband if you’re one of those people that wants to get married.

Though, that was before I denied exclusivity.

So, she was doing this all along.

She also gets pretty sloppy when she’s drunk, so that didn’t help either.

Yeah, you don’t want to be dating a girl that when you’re not around is going out, getting sloppy drunk, and hanging all over other dudes, or whatever.

This made me pretty irritated, and I let her know on the car ride home. When we got back to her place, my friend came to join, and she had a couple friends there as well. This is when shit hit the fan. Everything was going good at first, laughing and drinking, the usual. At some point, out of nowhere, she grabbed my friend and told him to come with her for drinks in the kitchen.

Is this the kind of behavior that you want to see from a girl is trying to convince you to be her boyfriend? That’s not something that’s going to make me go, “Yeah, I really want to lock her down,” or “I really want to agree to be her boyfriend.”

She later claims she did this to be nice, but who knows.

Probably doing it a little bit to try to make you jealous. Which, good family oriented women are just simply not going to behave that way. Chicks that belong to the streets, party girls, of course, are going to behave this way. They don’t know any better. And at this point, her being an adult, she ain’t going to change.

To summarize a long story, she used whip cream in the shots, my friend didn’t like it and acted like he was going to spit it out. She then made a “joking” motion for him to spit it in her mouth. He acted like he was going to, and she closed her eyes and opened her mouth.

Is that somebody you want to wife up? Is that somebody you want to get serious with? Is that somebody you want to agree to be her boyfriend? Probably not.

Needless to say, I was pretty upset. I let her know this right away, in a pretty stern way. We tried talking for a little, but she denied it at first…

So, now she’s lying.

…(I didn’t see it, my friend told me), then eventually admitted it and said it was just a joke.

So, you have an admitted liar. You caught her in a simple lie, and she’s doing inappropriate things with your friends, when she supposedly is trying to convince you to become her boyfriend. I wouldn’t want to become the boyfriend of a girl that behaves that way.

After more nonsense, I walked out and basically told her things were done. She started to cry and basically begged me to stay and talk more, which I did not. However, she left her phone in my car and I didn’t realize until about 15 minutes later when her friend called it, so I returned and ended up staying the night as it was very late. This is how I got in the situation I never thought I’d be in.

She called me the next day and tried to suggest ending things, mainly because of how rude I was and intrusive of finding out what she does when I’m not around.

Well, if she would have been trying to end it the next day, I would have been like, “Hey, that’s fine with me.” It’s like, “I’m not interested in having you as my girlfriend when you behave that way with my friends. I mean, that was a friend of mine. I can only imagine what you do when I’m not around. And you’ve been the one trying to get me to be your boyfriend, so that’s kind of out of the question at this point after that little episode.”

Of course, this made me not want to end things…

Remember, rejection breeds obsession. He goes from like, “I’m out of here,” to the next day he’s like, “Oh, I don’t want to end it.”

…even though I never wanted exclusivity with her and don’t plan on doing so.

I would not get exclusive with this woman. And if you’re going to continue to hook up with her, and be friends with benefits, and have sex, you better be practicing safe sex and wearing a condom. Because women like this also have been known to get pregnant, especially if you’ve got money. I mean, it happens to ballers all the time. Guys who play in the NBA and the NFL, they slip one past the goalie. You live in a blue state, she goes to court, and now you’re paying her child support and money to pay her bills for the next couple of decades for one night of sex.

We kinda talked through that and are on a play it by ear situation for how we feel. I’m not sure if I should let this girl back in my life at all or continue to basically keep her as a friend with benefits.

Well, she’s not really even a good friends of benefits. She’s just a hookup girl, a party girl. And she’s the type of girl that will hook up with you, and as soon as you stop dating her, she’ll probably hook up with some of your friends or your acquaintances. That’s the way she is.

Her suggestion to end things is making me not want to end things… sad, I know.

Well, rejection breeds obsession. Because you’re not the one ending things, even though you really weren’t that into it. If I was doing a phone session with you, I’d be pointing out how you didn’t want to get serious with her in the first place. That’s indicative of how you really felt about her. But now that she suggested it, now you’re like, “Oh, wait.” It’s a bad way to go, my man.

I’m sure this is a common problem many guys have experienced.

Well, you don’t try to turn a hoe into a housewife, even though millions and millions of dudes continually do that every year. And you know, some people you just can’t reach.

Does she not deserve friends with benefits after this?

Well, it’s obvious that she’s probably pretty promiscuous and throws the leg for pretty much anybody. And the fact she’s willing to let your friend, when you’re in the same house, spit a shot and some whipped cream back into her mouth, closes her eyes like she was excited, I can only imagine what she does when you’re not around. So, why would you want that?

Thank you for your help, Coach, and everything you do.

Sincerely, 

Bob

She’s definitely not somebody you want to get into a relationship with. This is not the kind of behavior you want to see from a girl. Because, think about it. You get serious with her, and then all of your friends are snickering and laughing at you behind your back. Because there are probably other inappropriate things that have happened that everybody knows about, that you might not know about, because you just didn’t happen to be there. And they didn’t want to tell you and hurt your feelings. But after you dip and you’re she’s completely out of your life, then you’ll probably find out what was really going on when you were not around.

If it was me personally, would I want to keep somebody like this as a friends with benefits? This is the kind of girl you hook up with a few times and you have some fun. You high five each other, “Hey, thanks for the sex,” but you move on with your life. You don’t get serious with them. And if you’re in a friends with benefits thinking, “Okay, well, maybe someday we’ll get into an exclusive relationship,” again, this is not the kind of behavior you want to see from somebody that’s a potential candidate for that. So, you know the answer to the question. You know, she’s not relationship material. And if you’re looking for a relationship, it’s not going to be with this girl.

If you’re crazy enough to continue hooking up with her, again, I’d be using condoms with her, but I wouldn’t be sticking around too long. But a lot of guys get trapped in these situations. They slip one past the goalie and they’re like, “Oh, well, I’ve got to be a good, loyal dude. I’m going to go ahead and wife her up and put a ring on her finger, because we’ve got a kid on the way. And we’ve got to think about the children.” All of us know guys that have done stupid shit like that, and how did it end for them? Didn’t end too well. Especially if you live in a blue state, the odds are stacked against you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.