In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is having some problems with his sex playmate who he has a friends with benefits type of relationship with. About eight months ago, her ex came back into the picture, and her behavior has slowly started to change and become more indifferent towards him. His previous ex has been out of his life for good since October of last year. He admits that, until he found my work, he often acted according to his own words, like “a needy little bitch” on numerous occasions and often displayed feelings of jealousy and insecurity over her ex being back in the picture. He also says he became too focused on constantly trying to determine where he stood romantically with her. She told him that she realized she had all the power. She has been constantly confused and unsure of how she felt about him. About two weeks ago she stopped contacting him after reaching out to him every day prior to that. When she started finally messaging him again, he kind of fumbled the football. I tell him what he needs to do to turn things around and keep his friend with benefits chasing him, wanting to see him and hooking up with him.
I’ve recently become a fan of yours, and I’m waiting for my order of your book to come in as well. In the mean time, I have a situation I need your help with. I am forty years old and have been dating a twenty-seven year old girl off and on for one year. We met last March, started talking and then actually started hanging out and hooking up in April. Long story short, we both have had issues with our ex’s coming in and out of our lives while we have talked, but mine has been out completely since October. Her ex has been back in her life to some degree since September, and never left. (He’s probably trying to get her back. She will always choose the other guy over you since they have a stronger bond, especially if you pursue too much, become too focused on where you stand and start trying to force things.)
At the end of last year, she started insinuating she loved me and wanted to be with me. This made me fall further for her, believe her, and start putting all my eggs in her basket. (See the person for who they really are. You have to look at her actions.) However, in recent months I’ve become more jealous and a needy bitch, always asking where I stand with her and what she wants from me. (That’s about as beta male as you can get. You are looking for validation. When you don’t feel like she cares, you are looking for reassurance. It makes you look weak and pathetic.) All during that time, she never walked away, and I was never the one to really pursue her. I was hardly ever the one to initiate contact or plan a hangout. (It’s the man’s job to create an opportunity for sex to happen. You are making her be the man by calling you and asking you out.) She would text me every single day and also asked many times to hang out, which we would, and would have sex 99% of the time. She would tell me that she didn’t want to lose me and wanted to be with me, but her actions showed she probably didn’t want to lose her ex boyfriend, or whatever other guys she had giving her attention, as well. The last time we got together, we talked again. She admitted that what she wants changes every day, that she is being selfish, wouldn’t want to be in my position, and realized she had the control in this situation. (That’s not a good place to be. You gave her all the power.) However, we still ended up having sex that day. She then texted me later that night, “I miss you so much,” and “I wanted to sleep next to you tonight.” I said, “Then do it,” and she said she was already in bed, so I said, “okay.”
After not missing one day of hearing from her since October, she then vanished, and I did not hear from her at all for almost two weeks. (This happened after she realized she had all of the power in the relationship.) I didn’t dare reach out, since I knew I had already displayed enough weakness. I assumed she had probably gotten more involved with the ex again, and this presented me with a good chance to get my power back in case she did contact me again. (That’s good. You’re not running after her.) During the time away, she posted something on Instagram that was affectionate, and I knew it was directed towards me, but I didn’t react. She then liked one of my photos on Instagram a couple of days later, but I didn’t react. (The more she misses you, the more she starts appearing.) That same night, this past Friday, was the one-year anniversary of us meeting, and she was out drinking with her friends. I woke up to two Snapchats sent to me from her, one saying “to one year of friendship” and a pic of her drink, and the other of a song that we had first listened to in the car together on a date that reminded her of me. (That tells me she has positive feelings about you and is thinking of you. In that moment, when she is reaching out to you is when you should set a date.) I assume that’s why she sent it. Keep in mind, this girl has loved to test me and get reactions from me since day one. Her words and actions conflict all the time, and she also tends to lie. (You don’t want to be in an exclusive, monogamous relationship with someone who’s a liar.) We have talked many times since the beginning about being “friends,” which I think was her feeling me out, and I always told her that I have enough friends. (That’s a good response. Always act like the lover, never the friend.) That being said, I responded the next morning to her Snapchats saying, “Happy anniversary pal,” hoping that my sarcasm was clear with me calling her pal. She knows me pretty well, so I think she got it. (You should have made a date when she reached out to you.) I also wanted to throw the same bullshit back in her face instead of reacting to it. She then responded saying, “I think that it’s today,” which I know for a fact she knows it was that day. Then I responded, “think you’re right.” She knows for a fact that I know it was that day too. Then that was it, end of conversation!
Did I respond correctly or blow it? (You should have made a date.) What is her deal? (Because of your needy behavior, she may have shifted her attention to the other guy who had come back into her life.) Is she just testing me, trying to still have her cake and eat it too? Why did she disappear in first place? (You turned her off.) Should I still not reach out? (No. You don’t reach out to fuck buddies.) What do I do if I hear from her again? What is my strategy going forward? I want my power back! (Well, then stop giving it away. Wait to hear from her and when she reaches out, make a date.)
My response to him:
Your situation is really simple to resolve. You will learn this more when you read my book, and you need to read it ASAP 10-15 times to turn your situation around correctly. As my book discusses, it’s the man’s job to create an opportunity for sex to happen. That’s what a date is. You should always act like her lover, never like a friend. If she mentions the word friend, your response should always be, “we’re friends with benefits, not just friends.” You should assume that when a woman reaches out to you, she misses you and wants to see you. It’s your job as a man to be direct, decisive and make a date when a woman reaches out to you. You missed an opportunity when she reached out to you last time on Snapchat. You should have simply said, “Great to hear from you. I’d love to see you. When are you free to get together?” and then made a definite date. You simply acted like a beta male by dithering and chasing your tail the last time she reached out to you, instead of simply assuming she wanted to see you and making a date. What’s done is done. You should do nothing at this point. She needs to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from this point on. The next time she reaches out, assume she wants to see you and make a date to make dinner at your place together. Hang out, have fun and hook up like I talk about in my book. You should use this article and video as a guide on how to act with her going forward: “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“People who love and value themselves are never concerned with, focused on or question where they stand with a lover. Why? They know and believe that they are a catch and that any lover who would take them for granted, push them away, mistreat them or stop making them feel loved and wanted, would be displaying absurd and foolish behavior. Therefore, it’s never even a possibility in their mind. People who are fearful, who don’t love and value themselves and who think they are unworthy, are constantly expecting to get dumped or blown off. Therefore, they try to force things and actually end up unknowingly causing what they fear most to happen, which is getting rejected. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne