From Her Pursuing Me To Friend Zone. Why Did She Lose Interest?

Some possible reasons why a woman who is pursuing you suddenly puts you in friend zone.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer whose previous email I answered in, “Dumped Because We’re At Different Stages Of Life?” He recently had a girl from the gym slide into his DMs on social media. They slept together on the 2^nd date. Then she reached out and suggested a 3^rd date. After his response trying to plan the date, she waited 24 hours to reply and sticks him in friend zone.

He doesn’t understand what happened and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy, and I suspect because I’ve already been through this email and I did an email for him probably about three years ago, I think it was back in 2021. It was titled, “Dumped Because We’re At Different Stages Of Life?”

One of his problems, the thing that he’s wrestling with is the same thing I wrestle with and a lot of you guys have, was that we typically display too much unattractive behavior on dates and in our interactions with women. So what would happen is whether it was over-pursuing, acting weak, or saying and doing too many unattractive things, women eventually would judge this particular guy is not worthy. In other words, he was constantly communicating, “I’m not good enough. I don’t feel like I deserve to be there,” and he would also communicate a total lack of confidence. You’ll see that in his response here to the last date that he was trying to set that he got ghosted on, just in the way he words his texts, he’s not speaking with confidence or like he’s certain. On top of that, he’s trying to crack a stupid joke, which again, it’s in the book, don’t try to crack jokes, because if they don’t know you that well, your humor is probably not going to land, and he didn’t listen. He’s been following for a long time.

This is why you got to be a good student. This is why I say read the book 10 to 15 times so you know it backwards and forwards and you don’t make these obvious mistakes after following me for several years, because your mindset, your personal story that you tell yourself about your capabilities and your life and how worthy you feel of love or not, it’s going to affect what you say, what you do, it’s going to communicate in the tone of your voice, the words you choose, how you put those words together. If you’re constantly communicating a lack of confidence and a girl is not even that into you from the beginning, you’ll quickly see her go the other way. Go from being hot for you to friend-zoning you like what happened with our emailer here.

I can only go off of the things that he put in his email, but obviously we have the previous one and he’s still doing some of the same things. It’s still the vibe that he’s giving off. The vibe is he just acts like he doesn’t deserve to be there. Women are with men because of men being confident. If you’re constantly communicating that you lack confidence, you don’t think you measure up and she picks up on it and her interest isn’t that high to begin with, she’s going to dip on you in a harsh way like she did to this particular guy, and then you’re going to be scratching your head going, “Gee, I don’t understand what happened. Why did she blow me off like all the others?”

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

Back in 2021, you answered my question in a video called, “Dumped Because We’re At Different Stages Of Life?” That advice changed my approach to dating completely. Since then, I’ve read your book over 15 times and applied its principles to my life. The transformation has been remarkable. I’ve experienced great success in dating and now always find myself being pursued after the first date. I’ve naturally become quite selective about whom I spend my time with, and I now only go on dates with people who genuinely impress me.

Anyway, there’s this extremely good-looking girl that goes to my gym. Safe to say she is one that extremely impressed me.

In other words, she was really hot. So as soon as it’s the hot girls, it’s like, “Whoosh,” the book becomes a Frisbee.

One Sunday, she somehow found my social media and hit me up.

Well, that shows a high level of interest. A girl from your gym that you may have talked to or seen seeks you out on social media and slides into your DMs? It’s like that’s a high level of interest, at least to start out with.

I arranged a date for the following Thursday without any texting in between. The date went exceptionally well. She showed high interest, complimented me, and we ended up making out passionately.

The next morning, she messaged me, and I scheduled another date for the following Thursday.

So the caveat here is if she’s just reaching out to you the very next morning saying, “Oh, I had a really great time last night,” I would be like, “Yeah, I did too.” I probably wouldn’t ask her out again at that point, because that’s kind of common for women that had a good date to reach out to you, but it’s not the end of the world. It’s just what I probably would have done.

This one went even better. She ended up coming over to my place after, and of course, the indoor Olympics had begun.

Well, did you go out on a date or did you just go right to inviting her over to your place? Because if you met a girl online and it didn’t end up there after the first date and all you did was kiss, inviting her over to come right to your place for the second date is too much too soon, because you’re communicating right away you want to hook up and you want to have sex, and you think she’s down to have sex. Now, sometimes it may work, but there’s a process and you should take all women through the process because you don’t know them that well. It normally takes about four to five hours with a girl on average, to go from a first date until she’s ready to sleep with you, if your game is tight. The sloppier your game is, the more impatient you are, the more mistakes you make, the less you can get away with that.

She was all over me, even waking me up at 4 a.m. in the morning as she wanted to compete for the Olympic gold medal.

So far, everything was textbook.

Again, it just sounds like you had her come right over for the second date. I would have gone out and done a date. Inviting a girl over to make dinner and stuff is usually better if you do it after she’s already been to your house and you’ve had sex. That should be something that you reveal in stages. You get her back to your place in stages. Just because you made out in the first date, the second date should not be, “Hey, just come over to my house. We’ll make dinner,” because a lot of women will flake on you if you don’t have enough rapport with them if you do that.

My goal is just to give you the best chance to succeed, because again, you’re dealing with different women. They have different levels of interest starting out. Granted, she slid into his DMs at first.

A few days later, she messaged me on the Monday night, asking about my weekend and suggesting we meet up again. Her message, “I was thinking, did you wanna go do something during the day this week? Like coffee or something? Or we could do the dinner like we were talking about? Or both? Whatever you’re feeling.”

That’s how a girl talks. Very unsure of herself, very like, “Whatever. It’s all up in the air. Be the man, be direct, be decisive. Get to the point.” Remember, this is the guy who says he’s read the book 15 times, he’s been following me for years. Before I read what his response was, do you think this sounds like a guy that is sure of himself and is used to getting what he wants, or a guy that’s kind of mirroring back, “I don’t know, we could do this or we could do that?” Does he sound like another chick or does he sound like a man?

I replied, “Sweet, do you want to catch up Thursday then and we’ll attempt to not burn the house down? (Implying cooking dinner together, date joke)

Now for the third date, he’s like, “Hey, just come over.” Now it’s just pretty clear, “Hey, let’s come over and fuck.” It’s a booty call.

Again, if you’re trying to date a girl, it’s like you guys get lazy and you’re cutting corners here. This is not what’s detailed in the book. It’s in the book for a reason.

We can suss out the rest of the week on Thursday.”

Which that kind of sounds like he’s talking about planning other dates in addition to that one, assuming that he’s going to have all this extra time to spend with her.

So again, let me read his response: “Sweet. Do you want to catch up Thursday then and will attempt to not burn the house down? We can suss out the rest of the week on Thursday.”

So he’s already talking about multiple dates and spending multiple days together, and all he did was sleep with her one time and he’s just inviting her to come over. So he’s kind of treating her like a girlfriend or a booty call right off the bat. There’s no mystery already. Every time they get together now, it’s a boring, dull routine.

Again, this is not what the book teaches. You’re not listening to what the book teaches. You’re cherry picking things and cutting corners. This is the kind of shit I used to see back when I was in sales. I’d have my sales guys and girls, they’d just start killing it, having one closing after another. They’re making money, they’re buying themselves new Mercedes or BMW s. I was like, “Man!”

You got to stick to the fundamentals. The fundamentals are the fundamentals. You can’t cut corners. Then they make all this money and they get cocky, “Of course Corey, I know what I’m doing. I just made $20,000 last month. I got this, bro. Let me handle this. Let me cook bro.” It’s like, “OK.” Then about a month later, they’re like, “I got nothing in the pipeline. I don’t know what’s going on. My last three clients, I took them. They didn’t want to make any offers, and a couple of them had ghosted me. I don’t know what’s going on.” I was like, “Well, how much time did you spend with them in your buyer’s consultation?” “Well, only about 20 minutes because, the wife was late there. The wife wasn’t there. We had to do this,” and I was like, “What was the first thing I fucking taught you? Your buyer’s consultations got to last hour, hour and a half. You only start talking about the sales stuff once you have good rapport with the husband and the wife and they both need to be there.” So what the guy is doing is that he thinks, “Oh, I’m going to cut corners. It’ll save time. Well, only the wife’s available. Only the husband’s available. So I’ll just get them in there and we’ll write the contract,” and of course the husband will say yes, or the wife will say yes, and they don’t bother creating rapport with the other spouse or the other partner. Then they go and then the other one’s like, “I don’t like that house. I don’t want to make an offer on that house.” Then what happens is I start going through the process that they took with each buyer, and all these things that were in there for a reason they cut out because, “I’m trying to be efficient.” So he cut out all the things that got in the way of them building rapport and getting to a place as a salesperson like you’re the trusted advisor and friend, not a salesman.

So what happened is they went from being a trusted advisor and friend to be a salesman. When you act like a salesman, what do you get? You get rejected and you don’t get any sales. Then it would frustrate them because they’re like, “Oh, that’s a lot of time. I got all these phone calls.” I was like, “Well, you got no deals in the pipeline. You want to make money again? Or you want to be arrogant and think you know it all because you had a good 90-day run?”

Bro, I’ve been doing this for years. I’ve been doing this a decade. The stuff is there for a reason. We teach what we teach for a reason. Our process is our process, and you’re short-cutting that because you had 90 days of success. Now you’re arrogant, full of yourself and think you know everything. So when I look at dating and relationships and how guys apply what’s in the book, that’s what I see. He’s been following me for years, read the book 10 to 15 times, this girl slides into his DMs and then, pretty much like I said, the book becomes a Frisbee. “Oh Coach, I’ve been laid a bunch. I don’t need to do that. Doesn’t apply to me.”

Again, did you think his last text,” Sweet, do you want to catch up Thursday then and we’ll attempt to not burn the house down (Implying cooking together, dinner together. Date joke)?” You’re assuming she knows your sense of humor. “We can suss out the rest of the week on Thursday.” Like, what the fuck does that mean? You’re supposed to make one date. Now you’re talking about multiple dates or spending multiple time together? So all you did was match and mirror her, “Up in the air” girly attitude, back to her.

Now explain this?

She replies to that message at 7 p.m. the next night…

Obviously what he texted was, again, reiteration of a total lack of confidence. That tells me more than likely when he was with her, he’s probably communicating the same thing. So I think on some level he’s kind of reverted back to the way he was because he may have read the book 15 times, but it was obviously several years ago.

The idea is good students read it at least once or twice a year after they’ve done the 10 to 15 times. You don’t read it 10 to 15 times and then start applying it two years later. The idea is you’re reading it, you’re applying it, you’re going back and reading it, you’re applying it more and you’re going back and forth. Just like Tom Brady would do when he was studying the playbook. He’s studying the playbook, he’s watching tape, he’s practicing, he’s filming himself. Then he comes back, he watches tape, he looks at the playbook constantly fine tuning and tweaking his approach. You don’t see Tom Brady going, “I don’t need to read the playbook anymore. I’ve been playing 20 years, bitches. I haven’t looked at the playbook in years.” You don’t get to be Hall of Fame by tossing the fundamentals out the window because you got your dick wet a few times.

…Saying something like, “Heyy, so I’ve been thinking lately and I’m a bit unsure of what I want and it’s hard because we get along so well. I think you’re amazing, I just think you deserve someone who is 100% sure about things and I don’t want to waste your time,” blah blah blah. You know, the speech. She then ended the message with the classic, “But I really want to be friends.”

“Will you fix my toilet if it ever breaks?” So the vibe is lack of confidence, not following the fundamentals, being kind of full of himself, “I got this.” What it really looks like to me is he just got really sloppy. He got really sloppy, tossed the fundamentals out the window as if it didn’t matter, and now he’s scratching his head going, “What the hell?“

This completely shocked me, she went from pursuing and asking to hang out to suddenly cutting me off.

Well, I would say probably it was the vibe you were giving off and the couple of dates you’ve been there and she was probably feeling a little unsure of this guy. Or it’s also possible that Chad Thundercock, an ex-boyfriend, came back in the picture, but the fact that she tries to stick you in friend-zone like that, that just tells me her feelings went down instead of up.

Again, if you’re sending a girly text back to her like the one you did and you’re trying to crack a joke, which doesn’t really make sense, maybe it was something you discussed on your date, the other thing is, you guys are taking this thing from 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back about making dinner together, and that’s the only thing you’ll do with the girl. So you had one date, and then the second date you invite her straight to your house, and the third date, you want her to come straight to your house. It’s just strictly a booty call, is how you’re behaving. On top of that, you don’t really sound too confident. So it’s the same boring, dull routine.

I simply replied, “That’s completely fine, no stress. I wasn’t trying to rush into getting serious or anything, I was enjoying catching up and letting things unfold naturally. I’m not looking for a friendship as such, but don’t get me wrong there’s no hard feelings.” She replied with a, “Need to focus on myself,” speech. I just left it with the, “Reach out to me if you change your mind,” exit.

I thought I had mastered reading signs of interest, but this experience has me questioning my skills. Why would she cut things off so abruptly after pursuing me so strongly?

Maybe you sucked in bed. Maybe you had bad, terrible breath, dragon breath, I don’t know. Maybe the sex wasn’t very good. Maybe another boyfriend came back in the picture, or a guy she liked more, but you clearly were doing and saying things that were unattractive, and I know you, “Oh, I read the book 15 times,” but the text that you sent sucked ass. Normally I’d never see a text like that from somebody that’s read the book 15 times, unless it was several years ago and you got away from the fundamentals, which is what it looks like you did. You got away from the fundamentals in the book and you just started doing your own thing. So instead of dragging things out, plus you were super eager. Like I said, after that first date, I would have probably made her wait a few days before I set the second date. Again, you’re trying to go slightly slower than she is.

Could it be an external noise? Typically, when someone loses interest, they gradually grow cold, and your book‘s principles guide how to handle that and rekindle their interest. But her sudden shift was completely unexpected.

Again, the text that you sent to her was pretty bitter. There was no confidence. You should have been like, “We should get together for a drink,” or “Oh, we should definitely get together.” Or she says, “Let’s definitely get together and do dinner.” “I’ll pick you up at 7:00. How about Thursday at 7:00?” You got to presuppose she’s going to say yes and presuppose from a place of, “Of course she wants to go out with you.” The way you’re talking, you’re talking like a guy who is used to getting blown off. You talk just like a girl. Again, when I compare her text wording and the way yours was worded, you sounded like another chick replying. So if you’re saying that in the text, I can only imagine what you’re doing in person.

So now, two and a half years later, I’m revisiting your book to see if I missed something and to sharpen my approach again.

Yeah, you always got to go back to the fundamentals. Again, I would recommend you read the book at least once or twice a year because like I said, I can read through your email, and I pointed out several instances here where you don’t sound like a guy that even read the book.

Perhaps I got too comfortable and overlooked some key aspects.

Yeah, there you go. You got complacent and you got lazy. What happens is you probably just reverted back to the way you used to behave, and you just assumed and you took for granted.

Please give me your take on this and what may have gone wrong.

Kind regards,

Bob

Now, it’s not the end of the world. If you see her at the gym, wave to her and smile and go about your business. If she comes over and says, “Hey, how have you been?” I’d be like, “I’ve been great. How you been, cutie?” She’s like, “Well, what have you been up to?” Invite her to give you a call sometime. “Well, I’ve been busy. How you been? What’s new? What’s exciting? You miss me? You’ve been thinking about me. Have you been having impure thoughts again?” Maybe she reaches out, but I wouldn’t call her or text her for any reason because she tried to friend-zone you and blow you off. If she comes up to you and starts mentioning getting together, then I would make a date.

In this particular case, just because of the way things went and you started acting like it was just strictly a booty call, again, maybe there’s an ex-boyfriend or somebody came in the picture, but that was pretty dramatic because normally she would just say, “Oh, I need time for myself,” or whatever. When she tried to friend-zone you, that tells me that her feelings are gone. The fact that she waited a full 24 hours, like obviously the wording of your text, you mirrored back to her girly behavior. So if she was already kind of unsure of you and then you send that girly text, that might have been all it took for her to be like, “Ah, I’m not feeling it. There’s not enough spark, there’s something missing.” That’s why you’re trying to go slightly slower than she is.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.