From No Contact To Friends With Benefits To A Relationship

How to go from no contact to friends with benefits and then transition into a relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who displayed a lot of weakness causing his girlfriend to lose attraction for him. He says she became really disrespectful and he broke up with her. He went into no contact, and she reached out 3 months later. They had dinner together and hooked up again. However, she told him the next day that she didn’t want him to think she wanted to get back together again and only wanted to be friends.

He doesn’t understand what’s going on or what to do, because he’s not interested in being friends. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

What happened was he started displaying a lot of unattractive behaviors, therefore his girlfriend became unattracted to him, and she started being bitchy and grumpy and difficult and just condescending to him because of his displaying weakness. Women do not like it when their men display weakness, because it makes them feel unsafe.

Because men are supposed to be the strong masculine ones, the rock, the mountain, the guy that’s always got his act together. He’s calm, he’s cool, he’s collected. And when a guy doesn’t display that, it forces her to move into her masculine energy, which is not her natural essence, and she resents it. She resents a man displaying weakness. This causes a loss of attraction.

If a woman is not attracted to you, she’s not going to touch you, want to be around you, and not want to sleep with you. And unless the guy turns it around and starts displaying the attractive behavior again, eventually, if he does it long enough, it will lead to the end of the relationship. Which this guy said it got to the point where he had to break it off with her.

What we’re going to talk about today is if you’re in a position where you got dumped, or you got friendzoned, or you got pushed away, or blown off, or ghosted, or whatever it happens to be, why you go into no contact, and then how you can transition no contact back into hooking up again or friends of benefits, if you will, and then eventually back into a relationship. The thing to keep in mind about this, and I discuss this in 3% Man and explain it in depth, it takes women time. They fall in love slowly over time, and then they also fall out of love slowly over time. And then, once they are out of love and their attraction is gone, that’s when the breakup typically happens.

When you go into no contact, it’s not a technique or a strategy. You’re disengaging from somebody that no longer wants to be involved with you romantically. You don’t stay involved in a platonic relationship or platonic interactions if there’s no romance and you want romance, so you remove yourself from the situation. And if her attraction starts to creep back up, then she’ll typically reach out at some point in the future, like this woman did. But it doesn’t mean just because she reached out… or like in this case, he even slept together with her, so he’s thinking, “Hey, this is going to be great. We’re back together. No problem.” Then, the next day she says, “I’m only interested in being friends,” and he’s going, “Huh? What?”

So, you’ve got to understand that when a woman speaks about something, especially her feelings, it only applies to how she’s feeling in that moment. That’s why the night before, she could be all in to hanging out, having fun and hooking up. Then the next day she’d be like, “I only see you as a friend,” because that’s indicative of where she’s feeling in the moment. And men cannot get caught up in a woman’s changing emotions. It’s about as productive as getting pissed off at the weather when it doesn’t match what you want it to be. You have to not be bothered by it.

You have to be unperturbed by her changing moods. You should be amused by it, as a matter of fact, and know that if she says “friends only” that day, well, remember you went three months without talking to her and now she’s back. She didn’t want to be together before, but now she’s back and she slept with you again. So, you have to just live in the present moment and not take it personally when she says something like this to you. You want to always have a better, more playful comeback, and I’ll cover that when we get to that part in the email.

And then, how once you start hooking up, like in this case, I look at what’s going on here, and there’s a really good chance this guy will be able to re-attract her back and she’ll want to be in a relationship with him. He broke it off because he didn’t like her behavior. He didn’t like how he was being treated. Now she’s come back, which is indicative of her being open to submitting to him. But you’ve got to remember, she blew it up. Her behavior led to the end of the relationship.

Granted, he was the one that started displaying unattractive behavior, but she’s the one that made things a mess to the point where he removed himself from the situation. And so, you have to have the attitude of she’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. You never try to keep somebody in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs. And if you get friendzoned and they want to keep something platonic, you’re walking away and you’re never looking back.

Never looking back means, “I want sex and romance in my life.” And if a woman is saying, “I’m only going to offer you friendship,” you just don’t stay involved with them at all. You say, “No, thank you. Maybe you can go give that friendship to some other dude that’ll keep you company. I’m not interested in that.” That’s the attitude that you want to have. And if you’re in the mindset that she’s got to earn another chance with you, even when she does reach out, you’re not going to start pursuing and calling and trying to take her out on dates and things of that nature.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

My ex and I were together for one year. Everything was great, we loved each other, shared the same hobbies, had a great vacation together and eventually started living together. Once we started living together, I made some mistakes by showing weakness and insecurity. That pushed her away and she started to act disrespectful towards me, and in the end I had no other option but to breakup with her.

Yeah, the lack of respect that she showed is, she’s not respecting you because you’re not acting like an attractive man anymore, and she doesn’t like it. It scares her. That’s why she gets upset, that’s why she gets nasty. She’s being nasty in hopes that you will armor up, if you will, that you will become more masculine again. Because, whether women realize it or not, they instinctively test masculinity, especially when the masculinity is displaying weakness.

Masculine energy grows through challenge, feminine energy grows through praise. And so, women challenge a man in hopes that he steps up and becomes more masculine and, therefore, more attractive to her. And when he becomes masculine and puts her in her place playfully and lovingly and doesn’t tolerate her disrespect, he’ll set and enforce healthy boundaries, and she’ll feel safe that you’re strong enough to stand up to her and put her in her place when she’s out of line. And once you do that, she becomes submissive, she becomes sweet, she becomes playful, and she’ll be stuck to you like a sucker fish once again, which is what you want.

I used no contact for around 2 or 3 months when she reached out. We ended up having a dinner together at her place, (mine is under reconstruction), talked for a few hours, watched a movie and then had amazing sex.

So, notice how the sex came at the end of the evening. The formula is hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out, and hook up while you’re having fun and hanging out. It’s in that sequence. And so, he did the right thing. He talked for a few hours, she shared what she wanted to share, they had a good time. He’s now focused on getting into a relationship because, as I say in “3% Man,” the man’s job is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, have fun, and hook up. That’s it. It’s not about relationships or commitments or any of those things.

If you think back to when you first meet her or see her, you’re like, “Wow, I want to stick something in there.” That’s how us guys stink. Therefore, focus on the mission: hanging out, having fun and hooking up. And you make things so good for her that she wants to take you off the market and have you all to herself. That’s what you want. In the old movies, the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s, this is how men and women acted. This was natural. People understood this back then.

Nowadays, you see the complete opposite on TV. We’ve got several generations of kids, myself included, that have been raised in the new environment with all of these archetypes, with these extremely feminine men. I mean, just last week James Cameron was saying that masculinity is something that guys should just get rid of, it’s toxic. It’s like, what an idiot. That’s a beta male for you that’s been totally feminized by Hollywood.

If you look at his first wife, Linda Hamilton, the one who was in “Terminator,” she’s a very masculine type of woman, and he’s kind of feminine and soft, and that’s why he ended up in a relationship with a very masculine woman. Obviously, ultimately, it didn’t work out. But he’s soft, he’s squishy. He’s not really a man. He’s got a rubber spine. He’s incredibly creative, but he’s got a rubber spine, and he has succumbed to the commie woke virus.

However, the next day, she messaged me that she don’t want me to think that she wants to get back together, and that she only wants us to be friends. What should I do?

If she’s messaging you that, how should you respond? You should say, “I’m not expecting us to get back together. I’m not interested in being friends, but we can definitely be friends with benefits. So, if you’re down to be friends with benefits, that would be great. And by the way, I’d love to see you again. When are you available to get together?” Make a date. Again, your job is to create an opportunity for sex, and that’s it.

So, if she’s reaching out, you assume she wants to see you. If she says, “Hey, how about friendship?” – which again, is another test of your strength because she thinks your balls are the size of BBs – that’s why you stand up to her, and you politely decline, and you offer her an alternative that gives her the freedom to come and go. Because what she’s communicating right there in the moment is, “I’m not open to being in a relationship with you again.”

Maybe you said something or you communicated something when you were together, but you gave her the impression that you’d like to get back together, maybe even said that. But when she says something like this, the way to handle it is to be calm, to be cool, to be collected, to be amused by it, to think it’s kind of funny and humorous and fun. You’re like, “We were just having sex last night.” So, when she mentioning this friends things, it’s like, “Hey, I think friends with benefits is a great idea. Let’s definitely do that.” You could respond with that.

If she says, “Hey, I don’t want you to think we’re going to get back together. I only want to be friends,” you could have the response of, “I think friends with benefits is a great idea, and I’m totally down for it. I’d love to see you again. When are you available to get together next?” And then make the next date, simple as that. A simple reframing – it communicates friends with benefits, there’s no attachments. It’s just good sex, good, clean fun.

I don’t want to be friends with her.

Just say, “I can be friends with benefits. I’m cool with that. Maybe I’ll let you meet some of my other girlfriends then,” playfully.

I feel like we still have a great connection, and the sexual attraction is very high on both sides.

Exactly, so don’t try to get into a relationship. Again, this is why I came up with the formula: hang out, have fun, hook up – very famously known as the three H’s. It’s pretty simple, because you start trying to lock a woman like this down, it’s not going to happen. She’s not emotionally in that place. Besides, you want her to be trying to lock you down. You want her to be convincing you to take yourself off the market. You want her to make things so good for you that you’re like, “I don’t really have any desire for anybody else. Okay, alright, I’ll be your boyfriend again.” But it’s her convincing you. That gives her something to strive for. It makes things not easy for her, it makes her work for it. And if it’s her idea and she’s chasing you, you never have to worry about getting dumped. That’s the beauty of it.

Women are all naturally designed to do this. As long as they’re not messed up emotionally, if they’re normal, healthy women, they will do this naturally and instinctively. It doesn’t matter what the feminists say. If you go out and get ten women together in a room, they’ll say, “Oh no, I want it to be 50/50.” It’s like, they don’t understand how attraction works. It’s all about their feelings and their emotions, and that’s why if you understand how women operate, then you can ask them questions that you already know the answer to.

But if you just ask them things, talking about about relationships and these different things, you’re going to get one answer. Women say, “Oh, I want a guy that wines me, dines me, buys me flowers, and it’s 50/50.” Then you ask her about guys that she was really the most in love with, and you say, “Well, did that guy do this or that?” And she’s like, “Well, no. He really didn’t do that. And I was kind of angry about that.” But she really loved him more than the nice guy that was always wining her, dining her, buying her flowers and it was 50/50. She friendzoned that guy eventually, and he got blue balls and eventually went away.

So, once you understand this stuff, even what a woman says to you, you’re not going to be fazed by it, because you know how they operate. And most women just simply do not understand this. They don’t understand how attraction works. They have a mental idea of how it works, but they’re driven by their emotions. That’s why they’re great nurturers to nurture children because it’s an essential skill. Whereas, us guys are not that emotional, we’re more stoic because we have to be in our heads. That’s how we get things accomplished in life.

I don’t understand what is going on, because I think that we had a nice evening and night together, and it could be a fresh start for something more.

Would like to know your advice, thanks.

Kind regards,

Bob

This is the problem. You’re in the mindset of a relationship, and she could feel that. That’s why she said this to you, because she’s figuring you’re probably not going to be able to handle it, because you’re probably not the first guy that she’s had this kind of an interaction with. Most guys don’t get it, and they keep pursuing, and eventually they have to push the guy away completely. So, you should look at it as she’s just acting natural. This is totally normal behavior for a woman.

And if you gave her the vibe, just like you said, “it could be a fresh start for something more,” that’s not the way to look at it. You have to look at it from the perspective of, “Oh man, that was great sex. I’d love to see her again and have more great sex.” Simple as that. Focus on that. That’s what you want anyway. The relationship, that’s her department. If she’s the one bringing it up and trying to lock you down, then all you have to do is say yes to it. It’s a much better place to be. Besides, that feels natural. That’s what being in your masculine energy is.

Women will seek to get your attention. This is what high value males experience. The women are always trying to seduce the guys. They’re the ones that are always communicating their interest in trying to get the man’s attention. Even though TV and the movies and all these idiots on TV try to tell you otherwise, it’s just not how things work in the real world. You can get propagandized, but at the end of the day, the propaganda is unnatural. You’re being taught unnatural behaviors. That’s why it creates so much friction in our lives between men and women.

And it’s the same thing in gay and lesbian relationships, and it’s the same thing with trans relationships. I had a phone session last night with somebody that was trans. Same thing. They’re the masculine essence, and they like to date feminine women. And so, when they behave naturally with their masculine essence, the attraction comes back like that. So, when you act unnatural, you repulse the person you’re trying to attract. When you act natural in the ways that the Creator made us all, then the attraction will be easy and effortless like it’s supposed to be.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.