In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his ex girlfriend of 4 1/2 years because she needed to start “a new page” and “find herself.” This basically means that she felt like she lost who she was during the time she was with him. He claims to have read my book 30 times, but from his email, he does not talk like a guy who has read my book 30 times, or knows it as well as he should if he actually read it 30 times. Recently he ran into her when he was out, and they chatted and caught up. He’s obviously ignoring reality because he is ignoring the fact she has made no attempt to contact him after he finally got the guts to walk away, even though it appears from his email that he only walked away temporarily. He started reaching out to her again and contacting her, trying to force a response. This made things awkward for her and made him look foolish once she communicated to him that she had a new boyfriend and moved on with her life. She told him that she had hoped he had moved on with his. He asks my opinion on what he did and what I think he should do going forward. It’s obvious he still has not moved on yet and has continually been looking for reason to chase her.
How have you been? It’s been a long time since I wrote to you. I wanted to hear your advice, although I believe I already know it because I read your book 30 times already. Let me remind you of the situation…
I’m 22 years old and my ex, 19, and I were together for 4 1/2 years. She broke up with me because she needed a new page and to “find herself.” We talked a few times at that time. I had just found out about your work, and started to act accordingly. I was a 90% James Bond, 9% naughty, and 1% old me. I asked her out twice, and she rejected it with BS answers. From this point, I haven’t contacted her, and when we talked when we saw each other out, I never brought it up again, even when I met her accidentally, talked to her for a couple of minutes, teased her, and walked away. She took our photos off Instagram. I didn’t respond, and kept the photos there. (This is a perfect example of what you should and should not do to get an ex back, as I discussed in a recent video newsletter, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” If you are still emotionally attached, sometimes your emotions will get the best of you.) I’m not playing her game, and I’m not a child. Last week, I wrote to her. (Walking away and never looking back means you never contact her again.) I know what you think, I started moving backwards, but I didn’t write to her something like I miss you, love you etc. (It doesn’t matter. You still reached out and pursued her.) I wrote something funny and outrageous, and she was glad to hear from me.
The day after, my brother told me she stared dating some 19 year old guy who is full of himself — a real asshole. He told me that all of her friends hate him, and that my ex started smoking because of him. It hurt like a bitch. I wondered what the hell happened? What happened to my girl? (Obviously when she broke up with you, she was over you. Women don’t come back when they don’t care about you. The bottom line is she’s dating someone else.) Why she started dating someone like this? (Probably because he has a spine and stands up for himself.) I wrote to her the same day, a James Bond message, but she ignored the message, and the day after she wrote back the following text, “Bob, I started dating someone. I didn’t want you to find out that way because you mean a lot to me, but this text puts me I a weird place. I’m happy to hear about your life and how you are doing, and I’m just telling you these things so you won’t get hurt. I really hope that you’ve moved on and you’re happy.”
I realized that I became in those last days a 93% man, and I just got a big fat warning sign from her to stop before I lose any respect or attraction she has for me. I know that she is probably discovering new things about of herself, and doesn’t know what she wants. (She wants this other guy. She’s moved on.) I gave myself a big smack on the head and said to myself, act like an alpha male! So I wrote back to her, “Everything is good. I’m happy for you, wish you the best of luck.” I decided to become a 3% man.
I have no doubt that this guy she is dating will screw up eventually, and if I won’t walk away and never look back, I will push her into his arms. I’m experiencing a real growth in my life. I started my M.A., opened a new business, and improved my physical look because I stared working out. I made a decision to focus on my goals and become the best version of me. (These are things you need to do especially when a breakup happens.) I get a lot of response from girls suddenly. (When you start focusing on yourself, you are in a non-hungry state, and it’s amazing how strong of an effect that has on a woman.) I wanted to hear your advice about the situation? Did I read her actions in the right way? Do you think I acted right at the end? Do you think she will reach out again? Did I made the right decision? (It doesn’t matter at this point, because she blew you off. She knows she can have you, but is trying to start something new with somebody else. Have some self respect so others will treat you with respect. Walking away is the most effective way to re-attract an ex. It has to be their idea to rekindle tings. You’ve got to give them time and space to miss you.)
My response to him:
For a guy who says he read my book 30 times, you acted like a total pussy. The bottom line is that when you did not hear from her, you became needy and desperate and tried to force an interaction with her. Since she had moved on and is dating a new guy, she basically dumped you once she had already lost all respect and attraction for you. When I say walk away, never look back and mean it, that means you never contact her again and proceed as if it’s over, and you will never speak again. You made yourself look foolish and now you feel foolish for reaching out and finding out she has a boyfriend. You should have been moving on with your life and dating new women at this point. Instead, it’s obvious you have still been obsessing and waiting for the phone to ring with her on the other end. You need to move on with your life, start dating other women, and start applying the things in my book. That is the only way you are going to get any better and improve your skills. If you had been following what you learned from me, you’d be dating other women by now, and would have never reached out to your ex-girlfriend. This guy she is dating obviously has a spine, and that is why she’s attracted to him. If the relationship does not work out, maybe she will contact you in the future. If she does, assume she wants to see you and make a date. Hang out, have fun, and hook up like I talk about in my book. If she tells you she is still dating the other guy, then tell her you’re not interested in being friends, but to call you if it doesn’t work out with him. The bottom line is, she’s moved on, and you need to do the same. She even told you this.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“It’s never easy to accept things that have happened in your life or have happened to you that are not desired, to your liking, or of your choosing. It is difficult for our egos to accept responsibility for our own actions and choices, and accept that what has happened to us, is a direct result of our previous choices, intentions, and actions. It always feels a lot better to absolve ourselves from any blame or responsibility. By projecting the blame and responsibility onto other people, we often can temporarily make ourselves feel better, but deep down we know we are really just bullshitting ourselves. In order to heal from any loss, unwanted or undesirable outcomes, we must accept the reality of the current state of our lives and what has happened in the past. It’s only once we accept what is, that we can move forward, let go of the past, and create a new and grander version of ourselves and our life circumstances.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne