Get To A Happy Place First. Then Worry About A Relationship

Why you should focus on getting to a happy place first before getting a relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped last year due to over pursuing and acting too needy and beta. He’s improved tremendously since then. However, he’s still obsessing over getting dumped and hasn’t met a woman of equal or better quality. He feels lonely and desperately wants a relationship and feels better while in one. He asks about getting happy first because he doesn’t want to wait any longer for a new relationship. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Get To A Happy Place First. Then Worry About A Relationship.

So this particular email, this guy, he got dumped last year due to over pursuing and acting to needy and beta. So he’s improved a lot since then. However, he’s still obsessing over getting dumped and he hasn’t met a woman of equal or better quality. So now he’s looking at the past and thinking about how great it was, because we tend to look through rose colored glasses at the past. And the reality is that relationship was suboptimal. And this is what happens to most guys.

They have a breakup and they’re all excited about all these new women they’re going to meet and date. And then it doesn’t happen in 90 days, and they’re ready to give up and go back to what wasn’t doing it for him in the past. And in this case, you know, his issue is he acts needy. He over pursues, and more than likely because Mom and Dad didn’t give him enough hugs and “I love you’s”, and so he calls too much. He texts too much. He’s too soft. He’s too compliant with women. He’s unwilling to stand up for himself and what he wants.

And typically when they push on him and try to intimidate him, he always caved because he’s worried about their approval. Because again, mom and dad didn’t give him enough hugs and I love you’s as a kid. And so this is something that he has to get over. He’s got to really learn to practice what’s in the book and meet and date other women and take them through the seduction process so he can see the stuff that’s in the book showing up in his own life. Because he needs to get to a place where he has all the power, and he clearly has not had that yet. So obviously this guy is very lonely. He says he feels much better when he’s in a relationship.

And so that’s part of his problem. He has a hard time being by himself. You have to get to a place in life as a human being, as a man. Especially that you enjoy your own company. You’re okay with not having other people around, and you’re excited about what you can do with your free time and your days and who you’re going to spend it with. Because you think, “oh, I need to have somebody in my life, I need to have a girlfriend, and then I’ll be happy.” Well, what happens is you are an unhappy man. Then you got a girl. You thought she made you happy.

But after six months, a year, once the honeymoon phase is over and that wears off, you realize you’re still unhappy even though you got somebody in your life. And then once that happens, usually they stop making the same effort to keep the relationship going that they did, and then they start having relationship problems. Because their motivation for being a good boyfriend was to get her love. And they initially equate her love with their happiness.

Well, once the infatuation, the honeymoon period wear off and are done, then they realize that they’re still unhappy even though they have somebody. And so then they start sabotaging the relationship. Because they don’t have a compelling emotion, compelling reason anymore to make the extra effort to make the relationship work. Because they initially thought the relationship is what was making them happy, but in reality, they still come to the same conclusion that they’re still unhappy person. So the ideas get to a happy place first, and then you can attract somebody who’s also happy.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

My life has changed so much since I wrote in last May. I wrote about over pursuing and chasing my ex off and you made a video about it titled, “Why You Should Back Off If She Won’t Make Dates”. And it truly opened up my eyes.  Unfortunately that ex and I never reconnected but after a ton of dates with other girls I did some deep self reflection over the last few weeks about a topic that I’m not sure that’s ever been discussed on your channel. What I’ve come to realize is that she was one of those girls that you talk about that you only meet every 2-3 years if ever again.  

So you typically get 1 to 3 a decade, the unicorn type, the type of woman that for you lights you up on the inside. And it fulfills you in every way you get along great, easily and effortless. Just she does it for you in all levels. I often say, how often do you meet a new best friend? It’s like something that never happens. So when you have those kind of connections, they’re really special and they’re hard to get over.

And so he clearly hasn’t got over it because he’s still thinking about the way things were. But the problem is he’s thinking about the fantasy. He’s projecting his fantasy of what he wanted that girl to be, and he’s ignoring the fact that he over pursued, texted, and basically chased her out of his life to the point where she just didn’t even want to be with him anymore.

So after messing that up I’ve went on comparing the connection to her and the chemistry we had with other women and none of them are checking the boxes because I don’t think I’ve fully moved on.  

Well. Statistically, most people take about a year and a half to get over a bad breakup, to get to the point where it just no longer has a negative charge on you. And so, you know, that’s kind of typical because it still hasn’t been a year. Well, actually, it’s been a little over a year. So he said it was in May of last year. So we’re like now we’re in the very beginning of August. So you’re like a year and two months. So I would say in the next 4 to 6 months, it should be getting to the part point where it kind of loses the negative charge. He’s getting closer to that date, but he’s getting impatient. He wants everything right now. Remember success is making progress.

And so it’s understandable that where he’s at, he wouldn’t feel like he’s making any progress in his personal life. And so therefore he doesn’t feel very successful. And part of being happy is feeling like you’re making progress and being successful because of the progress. Well, he could look at his personal life and say, I haven’t met anybody that made me feel that way in the last year. So it’s the end of the world. It’s never going to happen again. And this is just normal. This is part of the process. This is what happens when you have a breakup with somebody. That was really intense. Is it? It’s going to take about a year and a half to really completely get over it, where you don’t have a negative charge with towards that person anymore.

And so the time is just going to have to pass. And so you need to redouble your efforts to read the book and apply it and meet and date as many women as possible, because you’re looking for an amazing connection. And until you find it, you got to keep searching. You got to keep looking. Getting impatient and getting upset that it hasn’t happened right now is just going to continue to push that event further off. And if you don’t get over those feelings, that still neediness that’s still clinging as because you’re you’ve adopted a story about yourself that you can’t feel happy whole and complete without having a woman there to validate you. And the problem is, is when you are with somebody you really like, you treat her like an emotional support human, your therapist and your mommy.

And then you turn her into man in the relationship, instead of you being the man and being the leader, and this is why the women will leave you. And if you don’t overcome this, even when you finally do meet somebody that knocks your socks off again, you’re going to turn her off and chase her out of your life again for exactly the same reasons. Because you haven’t dealt with your insecurities, your fears, your doubts. You have to become okay with things being long and coming when it comes to your grandiose goals and dreams. It always takes longer than you expect.

So after messing that up I’ve went on comparing the connection to her and the chemistry we had with other women and none of them are checking the boxes because I don’t think I’ve fully moved on. But what I’ve also found is that I think I’m only ever truly happy and fulfilled if I’m dating someone or I’m in a relationship.  I know this is a problem because you should be happy with yourself first but I think I’ve struggled with this my whole life probably from childhood trauma where I had to prove my worth to get validated.

Okay. So maybe going to talk to a therapist because, as Jim Rohn said, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” So you’re basically coming to a relationship already feeling like you don’t have enough in your cup of love. And so you gotta focus on yourself and focus on healing your childhood trauma and maybe potentially getting somebody that’s a professional that can help you with those particular issues. Because you’re looking for attention and validation from women, which just naturally causes you to treat them like a mommy and a therapist. And you do that with any woman, and it’s going to dry her up, and she’s not going to want anything to do with you. And she may allow you to stick around as a friend and do favors and chores for her, but you’re never going to get any, you know, close to the pussy.

So this is something you got to fix and you got to work on, because you’re telling yourself that if you get a woman, then you’ll be happy. Well, once that wears off and the newness of it and the infatuation, the honeymoon period, you’ll realize that you’re still unhappy. And then you’ll sabotage the relationship, and then you’ll lose that one, too. So it would behoove you to do the work on yourself that you need to do, and get somebody that can help you with it. If you don’t think you can get past this on your own. Because what happens when you’re dating is you constantly need to know where you stand. And you have to understand that women are like cats.

And sometimes they’re all over you like white on rice, and they really want to be around you. And there are times it almost seems like they’re bored and they want to go do other things. When that happens, you have to understand that it’s just natural. Familiarity breeds contempt when you spend a lot of time around a girl, she gets a little bored and she’s going to lose some enthusiasm. It doesn’t mean it’s a permanent thing. It’s just the way women are. The the ebb and flow. Plus, when it’s that time of the month, you’re going to see her feelings and emotions change. So when that happens, you can’t get diminished by it.

Because when you rely upon that woman being with you or feeling about you a certain way to determine your happiness, as soon as she’s not having a good day or she’s not feeling good, or she seems to lack enthusiasm, or her excitement for you is dropped. You take it personally and you go into Mr. Fixit mode trying to fix things, and in reality, you just need to be okay with being alone and not hearing from your girl and be excited about it. Be excited when you’re away from her. Be excited that she’s got friends and family and everything that she’s doing, because then you can focus on other people and relationships that you may have neglected. Go see your mom, go see your dad, see your cousins, see your friends, go hang out and do other things. You have to get to the point where you’re okay being alone and you’re just not there yet.

So my question is, how can I move on from this and stopping seeking happiness in relationships so I can attract the right women into my life or if the opportunity ever arises to not chase off the right girl again?  

Well, like I said, a good therapist would help you. Network Chiropractic Care would absolutely help you, if you scroll down on my website. If you’re on the sidebar, you can get down to Doctor D’Anna’s link and go to Be welcome. Or you can just go there yourself. It’s BeSimplyWell.com. BeSimplyWell.com. And if you can’t travel to Orlando for a couple of weeks and get worked on, you know, send an email to his office, tell him you’re one of my viewers and see if there is a Network Chiropractic Doctor that is near where you live.

That’s Level 3 Certified that Dominick would recommend that you can go see, because that would really help you move on. But what you have here is you just haven’t taken the time to learn the book and implement it. You’re a cherry picker. You’re kind of half-assed it. And you figure I’ll just read the book once and that’ll solve all my problems. This is not easy stuff to do. You got fears, you got insecurities. You got doubts that you have to overcome. Because up until this point in your life, you’ve lived this way, thinking in a way and creating a story that basically always presupposes the worst, presupposes that you’re not good enough, presupposes that you’re not going to be loved, and so therefore, you’re too clingy, you’re too needy, you chase too much, you pursue too much.

And again, this is why I say you got to read the book 10 to 15 times, but you got to apply it with lots of different women, so you can take women through the seduction process. So you can become good at dating. You become good at seduction, you become good at communicating with them, and seeing the patterns that are in the book that I talked about that took me many years to learn and overcome myself.

It can speed up the process, but repetition is the mother of skill and so you need to date more just going out with 2 or 3 girls in the last year. That’s kind of a piss poor half-ass effort when you’re trying to overcome these things. The idea is you’re trying to master what’s in the book, only talking to or going out on a handful of dates in the last year and just going, “oh, woe is me. I haven’t met the right person. My life is over.” It’s that’s not helping you. So you need more repetitions. You need to talk to more girls. You need to go out on more dates. You need to take this seriously. You got to participate in your own rescue.

Since the video you made of me last year, “Why You Should Back Off If She Won’t Make Dates”, I changed my life around on every other aspect except this.  I’m 37 now and I’m in the best shape of my life.  Have a 6 pack again for the first time a since being in my 20’s, brand new friend groups that align with my path in life, ran my first marathon and did so well that I’m currently training to qualify for the Boston Marathon, decided to sell my house and move on from where my marriage and divorce took place and start a new chapter but with all of the good I’m still struggling with finding happiness outside of having a romantic relationship.  

Again, you are erroneously assuming that the relationship is going to make you happy. It will make you happier for a time period. But until you can get to a place where you really enjoy your life by yourself, you got more work to do. Dude, like I said, a good therapist might need to get a therapist. I know the network care would really help you, but the problem is you got nothing going on in your personal life. And so you feel kind of lonely. And so you’re not going to get better just sitting at home by yourself with your thumb up your ass. You need to get out and you need to participate in humanity and practice what’s in the book relentlessly. And it doesn’t look like you’re really doing that.

Is there something wrong with me or do a lot of viewers struggle with this and loneliness?

Once again thanks for all you do, I read your book 13 times since I chased off the last girl I was really into.

Well, you’re just not making enough of an effort to interact with and date and meet enough women. It doesn’t seem like you’re really focused on mastering the book. It seems like you’re focused on finding another relationship so you can that will solve your problems and finally make you happy. And again, it’s fleeting, it won’t last. And so you’re avoiding doing the things that you really need to do. You have the wrong mindset. Your mindset again should be to learn the book, to master it, to become a Jedi Master with the ladies. Because then when you don’t need a woman, is when they all come on to you. And part of your problem is you need a woman’s attention.

You need a woman’s validation because Mommy and Daddy didn’t give you enough hugs and “I love you.” That’s why a therapist could really help you with those things to get you past that. Because even when you do meet women, you’re showing up feeling like your cup is half empty and they’re going to fill it up for you. And then what ends up happening is you end up coming off like an energy vampire. And this causes you to chase over, pursue, and you just run one woman after another right out of your life. So you need time to master what’s in the book, but you also have to work on yourself and do what you need to do to get to a happy place.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.