Getting Over A Woman I Had To Walk Away From

How to get over a woman you had to walk away from.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who dumped his girlfriend six months ago. He’s dating a new woman, but is struggling to get over walking away from his ex. He knows he did the right thing because of her bad behavior, unwillingness to respect his boundaries and constantly inviting attention from other men, but he still misses her.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Getting Over A Woman I Had To Walk Away From”.

So this particular email from a guy. His ex that he was in a relationship with for about a year, he dumped her about six months ago. He’s dating a new woman. But he says he’s really kind of struggling to get over it. And he’s kind of surprised six months later, he’s still thinking about her, even though he knows mentally he did the right thing. She had a lot of bad behavior.

She did not respect his boundaries despite multiple attempts. She kept violating it. And I think he said he kept taking her back and eventually he just stopped taking her back. And now he feels bad that he took her back so many times because her behavior was so egregious at times. Because she also had a male orbiter problem, and she was constantly inviting attention from other men.

But at the end of the day, he says he misses her. And I would say to that, well, he misses the idea of who he wanted her to be. Wished her to be. And the reason why he’s suffering, he’s not accepting reality. Because most guys, what they notice when they’re in a relationship is that it seems like there’s all kinds of women interested in them, because they’re giving off a completely different vibe because they’re content.

They already have a woman, they’re getting laid. They don’t have any kind of lack. They have total abundance in their lives as far as feminine energy. And women can pick up on that, and they sense that it’s the same vibe that the alpha gives off. He gives off that kind of swagger and women are attracted to it. They love confidence. They love that carefree, unattached, dangerous vibe and attitude. Dangerous but kind, I should say.

So let’s go through his email here because this is something everybody struggles with. And before I really get into it, we’ve got to remember that the average person statistically takes about a year and a half to get over a breakup. But back when I was starting to say earlier, is most guys, when they end their relationship, they think, “Man, I got all these opportunities and chances.” And then it seems like within a matter of weeks, all those women disappear.

They become unavailable, or they change their mind, or they don’t act the same whatever happens to be. And then when a guy doesn’t find somebody new within 90 days, they kind of start to panic. What did I do? They kind of look at the past through rose colored glasses. And the important thing is you got to see reality as it is. Because when you don’t accept reality as it is, you’re going to suffer.

Even though intellectually you know that the person’s not right for you. It’s like when you are with somebody long enough, especially when you’re living together or she’s always staying over, you’re staying over at her house, you’re waking up together, you’re leaving to go to work at the same time. You spend your weekends together, you’re doing family things, birthdays, holidays.

If you got kids, you’re doing stuff with your kids, and then all of a sudden you’re waking up in bed by yourself one day. Lots of friends and relationships that you developed when you were together. You hang out with other couples and then now that you’re single, the couples don’t really hang out as much just because now you’re a single dude.

And so your whole life, your whole identity is wrapped up in associated with that relationship, and now it’s just gone. So it’s kind of hard to get past that. And that’s why it’s important to be busy, to focus on the little things, to be disciplined, going to the gym, taking care of your body. One of things guys do a lot is they let their friendships go by the wayside or their hobbies or their interests.

And men often just give up all the things that made them interesting and fun in order to please a woman because they complain about, “Oh, you spend too much time in the garage.” Or you know, “That poker time.” “You’re always playing with your poker friends and hanging out with them and not spending enough time with me and the kids.” Or whatever it happens to be.

So you’ve got to be that well-rounded guy that she fell in love with and get to a happy place. And then you’ll attract somebody who’s also in a happy place, and then you can share your completeness together.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

Long time listener, student, and subscriber here. I have read/listened to 3% Man more times than I can count, to the point where friends are now asking me for advice because of my successes and I’m figuratively teaching classes on it (giving credit to you, of course).

Well, giving credit is always appreciated.

About 6 months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of 1 year after months of turmoil in the relationship.

Well, you want a woman who makes your dick hard, not your life. And a woman who’s constantly bringing drama or being a pain in the ass or causing problems and making your life difficult. You want to come home to a peaceful environment, not just fucking constant chaos.

She was 35 and I am 34. We had a phenomenal connection, and I have never had more fun with someone than I did with her; the sex was great and she was deeply in love with me, to the point where she was stuck to me like “white on rice” as I’ve heard you say.

Well I also say, stuck to you like a sucker fish. When a woman’s in love, she wants your attention all the fucking time to the point where it gets really annoying. But we love our girls.

The problem was that despite our deep love and chemistry, I could not trust her once we passed the honeymoon phase of our relationship.

So it sounds like he was kind of in La La Land. And then once he came out the other side of the honeymoon period and the infatuation started wearing off, then he started to really see who he was with and what was going on. And that can be disconcerting, especially when you’ve ignored ratchet behavior. And then once the infatuation is gone, then you see it for what it is. And then you think, “Oh, you know what? I can change it. I can fix it. I’ve got Corey’s little blue book here.”, but it’s not going to fix a broken woman. It brings out the best in a healthy woman and the worst in an unhealthy woman.

Perhaps I should have vetted her more, but things were so great in the first few months that I thought all was well.

Well, remember, people can hide who they are for the first 90 days. So you’ve got to kind of keep your wits about you. Because under normal circumstances, after about 60 days or two months, you’re going to be exclusive. And then you don’t really hit the 90 day where she really feels comfortable around you. And so you’re talking three, four months before the real version of her starts to kind of come out. And if you allow yourself to get dopey and just assume since now you’re in a relationship. Like he said, all is well. It’s all great. Then once she can no longer hide who she really is, just because you spend so much time together, then you start to see her for what she’s really all about.

I eventually realized that she did not respect her father.

Well, women who don’t respect their fathers, typically they’re not going to respect you. They just don’t respect men in general. If they love and admire their dad and respect their dad and look up to them, they’re going to want to find a guy that’s like that.

And I suspect that her poor behaviors stemmed from that. Some of the things she regularly did:

He has a nice little set of bullet points here for us. I appreciate when somebody takes the time to write a good email, well thought out, and really, it makes for a good Video Newsletter so you guys have got ChatGPT, you’ve got Claude. Claude’s my favorite with the AI. I think that’s the best. But you guys do you. But I appreciate you taking the time to proofread it and stuff. Makes our jobs easier. Don’t piss the girls off.

Frequently talk graphically about exes and tell me about their sex lives.

Use sarcasm/threats/insults when she was upset.

Yeah. This is, remember, she’s supposed to make your dick hard, not your life. And if she’s being nasty to you, well, maybe. I mean, because women do become that way when they’re hurt. But you’ve got to check them on that behavior and say, “Hey, don’t talk to me in that tone. Don’t talk to me like that. You’ve got to be sweet. You’ve got to be kind. You’ve got to be nice to me.” And if she respects it, you’re happy to listen. If she doesn’t stop, you either ask her to leave. Or if you’re at her place, then you leave. “Hey, call me when you calm down and you’re ready to talk like an adult.”

Had poor boundaries with male orbiters (including telling some of them.

Intimate details about our relationship and getting drinks with single male coworkers).

So in other words, when she doesn’t feel things are going well in your relationship, she talks to these other guys because she doesn’t respect her father. She didn’t have a tight relationship with him. Therefore she overshares with guys she shouldn’t, guys that she knows are into her because basically what she’s doing is lining up the potential replacements if it doesn’t work out. And after all, it’s just a few friendly drinks with the guy from the office. “You don’t have to worry about him, honey.”

Compare me to exes to insinuate that I wasn’t living up to them.

Yeah. You don’t want to deal with that either. That’s where you go, “That’s not loving.” If there’s something you want to say that you really liked what he did, and you would love it if I did that, then I’m happy to hear that. I’m happy to know. I want to meet your needs. I want to make you happy. This is part of the fun because at the end of the day, as men, if our girls happy, we’re like, we’re studs. I’m the man. If she’s unhappy, then we take it personally, I suck, not a good boyfriend. It’s my fault. And when you’re with a girl that no matter what you do, she’s unhappy and miserable all the time. Eventually you just give up and you think, “No matter what I do, the bitch is never happy. So why try?” Which, things just get worse after that.

Explode at me when I wanted to spend time with my friends or family.

So she took that as you didn’t care about her as much and so she’d be mean because she was hurt. And so you have to recognize in those instances that all she’s really saying is, “I wish you would spend more time with me.” Or “I miss you”, or “I want to spend time with you”, but her just exploding at you like that, it’s like, that’s over the line. A girl who’s nice will probably say something because women speak in hyperbole like we never do anything anymore. “You never take me anywhere. You’re always with your friends.” Instead of going, “Honey, we went away for the weekend two weeks ago. Were you talking about it? That was a $10,000 trip.” You don’t say those things, you say. You know what? You’re right. We. You’re right. I’m sorry. I got caught up in work. And to make it up to you later, we’re going to do X, Y, and Z. I want you to wear this dress or that outfit. We’re going to go do something fun. And just understand that when they’re complaining in a nice way, using hyperbole and exaggerating a little because that’s what they do that she’s just saying, “Hey, spend more time with me.” So give her the time. But when she comes at you and explodes, you’ve got to tell her first. “Don’t talk to me like that. I understand you’re upset. Or maybe you miss me, but this is inappropriate for you to talk to me this way. If you miss me and you want me to spend more time with you or make time for you, then just say that. ‘Honey, it’d be really great if we could see each other more this week.'” Instead. It’s going you never pay attention to me. You’re such a selfish, narcissistic jerk. I hate you.” Which, I’m sure there’s a lot of guys watching this that have had that experience with women. Again, this is what was modeled at home. And so that’s why they bring it to your relationship. So the other thing that you have to consider when you put up with those things and you don’t check them, the longer that shit goes on, she thinks, well, this is okay. But if you are dating or in the initial stages of dating and the first time she does it, you’re like, “Don’t talk to me like that. You need to apologize.” And you need to get her to do it. If you let it go on for six months and then you start pushing back, she’s not going to just stop. Because again, you you trained her that it was okay to treat you that way. So it’s a lot harder to correct it once you trained her that that’s okay and acceptable behavior.

Project her insecurities onto me and accuse me of things that she herself was guilty of.

Well, it’s right out of the book. No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment.

Complete disregard for my emotional world.

And a host of other behaviors that would literally make you say, “c’mon man.” For a 35-year old her lack of emotional maturity was truly stunning, though I suspect that her beauty allowed her to coast through life without ever having to truly take accountability or grow up.

Well again, her dad didn’t do a good job. That’s on him. It’s not on you. You’re not responsible for her bad behavior or her sad upbringing, or she didn’t get that tricycle at three years old that she wanted. Whatever happens to be, it’s not your fault. You’re looking for a teammate and an equal. Somebody that is ready, willing, able, and open to dating you. Who’s nice to you. Who has their act together. Who comes from a good family. A girl who loves her dad. The more messed up the relationship is with the father, the less likely it is to be easy and effortless. And although I know a lot of guys are gonna be like, “But Coach, I got your book. You don’t understand. I can fix her.” No you can’t. It’s not your job to fix somebody or to save them. You’re looking for somebody that’s on your level, a true teammate and an equal, not another child to take care of.

After numerous reasonable and clear attempts to set boundaries and put a stop to these things, I broke up with her 6 months into the relationship. She showed up at my door promising to change before she would revert back to previous behaviors.

Well, people don’t typically change who they are. They may become a better version, but they don’t change. If she’s hot, there’s just so many men that have trained her that somebody will put up with it.

This cycle happened several times for another 6 months, and I recognized that every time I took her back, I was basically affirming that her actions were okay and that I would put up with them.

I say that all the time in videos. When guys do that, you’re training her to treat you that way.

Frankly I was embarrassed that I kept getting back together with her, thinking that “this time she would be different.”

Again, this is why I say people typically don’t change who they are. They may become a better version. But once they’re an adult. The damage has been done. Very few people have the self-awareness and the wherewithal and the desire to work on themselves and fix their issues.

I realized that I had lost my center as a 3% Man but her love and promises kept dragging me back in. After months of this insanity, I finally had enough and called it off for good and ignored her barrage of calls.

Remember, rejection breeds obsession.

And texts to get me back, which was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.

Yeah, because you want to believe her. You love her and she’s crying. She’s got waterworks going on, and you feel awful for breaking her heart. But at the same time, you’re like, I’ve got to keep my sanity. I want the one that makes my dick hard, not my life. And she didn’t get the message. She wouldn’t take the feedback and she wouldn’t listen. So. My peace is more important. Peace is more important than a piece of pussy.

It is 6 months since our last contact and in that time, I have run my fastest marathon, made more money than I ever have, made many new friends, and dated several great women including the one that I am seeing now – my social calendar is completely full every week. Despite all of these great things, I still find myself thinking about her often and missing all the fun we had together; the connection and love we shared was something truly special.

Do you have any advice for how to better let go of the past? I walked away from the person I loved the most and I find myself frustrated that I am not completely over her even though I have a lot of positive things in my life and I realize it was probably the right move in the long term. I do not want memories of the past to ruin my future, including with the amazing woman I am dating right now.

With gratitude,

Bob

Again, I tell you guys, you get 1 to 3 of these connections a decade, and it doesn’t mean that they’re all great for you. And that’s why they’re so hard to move on from, because it could be years before you meet somebody like that again. I’m sure the ladies you’re dating now are great and fun and beautiful, but this kind of a connection that lights you up on the inside, it’s how often do you meet a new best friend? It’s, it’s just not something that happens very often. So they’re special. And deep down, you know, you don’t get a lot of those. And so wondering and waiting and hoping for the next time and hoping and praying that the next girl makes you feel the same way and actually has her act together. That’s why it’s so important for you to become what you want to attract. And so I look at this kind of a situation, and this woman came into your life because you still have blind spots. You’re too nice, you’re too compliant. I would say you put up with too much shit. As you said, you kept taking her back. And every time she broke the boundary once again. Because if a woman doesn’t respect her father, she just doesn’t respect men in general. And so there she learned to be manipulative, and she just would tell you what you wanted to hear, because quite frankly, it was always good enough for daddy and everybody else that she was trying to pull the wool over their eyes. It even worked on you for a while until you recognize that it was like Groundhog Day. The same thing kept happening over and over and over. So you have to accept the reality. That’s the way it is. And you also have to understand, until you find somebody that really lights you up on the inside, you’re going to think about her. You’re going to dream about her. You’re going to miss the good parts, but you have to remind yourself of why you left because of all the pain. You didn’t leave because things were so good. You left because things were so bad and it was so negative. It’s not good to have a woman in your inner circle who is constantly disturbing your peace. Easy going, easy to get along with. She’s nice to you. Loves her dad. Has a great relationship with her. Dad respects his authority. He’s the man of the house. When he makes a decision, all the women in the family are like, yes, daddy, and they respect it and that’s it. They don’t constantly try to challenge him or nag him for the next six months, trying to get him to change his mind. They just say, that’s it. That was the final decision. And we trust his judgment because he’s never let us down. But unfortunately, there’s too many guys that just don’t live up to that standard.

And so finding a really good one, especially if you’re looking for a long term relationship, is hard to do. So again, you’ve got to remember it’s been six months. Typically it takes most people 18 months. That’s the norm. So even if you don’t find somebody that lights you up on the way in the inside, usually after about 18 months, because I’ve been through a lot of these. Way more than most people. Every breakup sucks, even when you’re the one that’s doing the dumping. It fucking sucks. It rips your heart out. It’s not fun. I don’t enjoy them. And again, I’ve had a lot of experience having breakups, ending relationships. And when you really click, it usually takes about 18 months to really get over the sting of it, to get over the ghosts of relationship past. In other words, to lose that emotional charge that you had. But it’s still too fresh. So I mean, time really does heal all. So you’ve got to put the work in. This is why it’s important to be doing all the little things and remaining discipline, because as Jocko says, “Discipline equals freedom.” And eventually, if you continue being disciplined and doing what you’re doing, eventually you’ll meet somebody way better. And eventually they’ll come a day where you’ll realize, I’m finally over her. I really don’t feel any pull to be back or to take her back, or to want her back. I love her, I wish her the best, but I’m so glad I’m not with her anymore. That was the right decision for me. And you have peace with it. So peace typically doesn’t come within six months. It typically for most people, the average is a year and a half because it was a very intense relationship. As far as your emotions and your feelings, she touched your soul and you touched hers. But what happened, happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way. So the key is to accept it and keep your eyes on the prize, which is the next relationship, the next girl. What you learn from this. And obviously we know you need to vet better and not get all dopey and carried away on your emotions, because that’s part of the problem. You allowed yourself to get carried away in your emotions and you didn’t continue vetting. And so what happened was eventually reality caught up with your fantasy because you refuse to vet. You projected what you wanted onto her and ignored all the red flags. And then only once the infatuation wore off, did you see all the red flags for what they were. And realize that you’re not going to change her. So I would say, you also have to work on your emotional self control and not letting yourself get carried away, even though you’re tempted to. Because when you’re young and you haven’t done enough the first couple times you meet women like this, you’re just like goo goo Gaga and you get carried away and, “Oh, we’re in a Disney movie and everything’s great”, and all you do is focus on all the things you love about her and vice versa. She focuses on all the things she loves about you, but by the time it’s ending, you’re focused on all the things you can’t stand about her and vice versa. And that’s what’s so hard. And the longer time has gone on you kind of look at the past through rose colored glasses. Well, maybe she’s changed. Maybe this time will be different. But it’s like the scorpion and the frog. And so part of emotional maturity is understanding and recognizing and accepting your feelings about this person, but also recognizing and accepting the fact that there’s nothing you can do to change the situation or to fix it, because she is the way she is. She’d be great if she could fix all those things. But you gave her a year and countless chances and she just showed you she was not going to fix them. She wasn’t interested in it. And so that’s not your fault. You’re totally blameless in that. It’s not your fault that she’s fucked up. It’s not your fault that she’s disloyal and constantly invites attention from other men and keeps a lot of male orbiters around. Even though you told her to knock it off, she did it anyway. So you can’t fix that. You can’t raise daughters with a woman like that because she’ll teach the daughters to disrespect you just like she does. And since that’s the example you set, you’re in a marriage or a relationship with a woman that you had daughters with who doesn’t respect you, then the daughters won’t respect you either. So this is actually good. You have to reframe this. What’s good about this? Well, I won’t have kids with her, and my kids won’t be fucked up and be fucked up like her. So think about that. You saved the lives of your future children from a lot of heartache and hardship and a difficult life. That’s the choice you made because you have higher standards for yourself. So you should be patting yourself on the back that, as you said, you resisted the urge to respond to all those phone calls and texts and the begging and pleading. You didn’t let it bother you anymore, even though it still hurt. You said, I’m not going to do that shit. I’ve already been burned enough by this fucking hot stove. I’m not putting my hand on it any more. No mas. I’m out. Hasta la vista, baby. And that’s what you got to do. And you’re getting there. But again, you Probably got about a year before. One day you wake up and you’re like, it doesn’t bother you anymore. Something that can help, Consciousness Exercises. Doing it three times a week. Stages 1 through 12 in front of your big screen TV. Take an hour, hour and a half and do them. And if you can afford it, fly to Orlando, Florida. Winter Park actually, maybe get an Airbnb or a hotel and go get work done by Doctor Dominick D’Anna besimplywell.com for at least two weeks and let them work you over. And that’ll really help fix and loosen up your physiology and get rid of all the muscle tension. So all of those feelings that are kind of stuck energy can move through you. Because you got to feel it to heal it, and that’ll help you get over it as well. But just join the Consciousness Exercises in front of the TV, especially if you feel like shit or you’re reminiscing and you’re missing her. Do Stages 1 through 12, it’ll completely change your state. You’ll be completely feeling differently after an hour, hour and a half of doing stages 1 through 12. And those are located on the home page of my YouTube channel. If you just scroll to the bottom, there’s Stages 1 through 12 demonstrated by Doctor D’Anna.

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