How a man can regain his center, align with his true purpose in life and get back to being his most masculine and sexy self after a breakup, traumatic experience or challenging times, so he can meet and date the kind of women he’s always wanted.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who shares his success story of how he got his center back after a breakup. He found my work several months ago after things had gone sideways in his relationship. He describes the process of what he did, said, and focused on to regain his center even after his ex started reaching out to him again. He describes how he was finally able to let go of any attachment to getting his ex back. He also talks about two women who were in his life, were obviously interested, and were putting themselves into his orbit in hopes that he had mutual interest and would do something about it. However, because he was still focused on getting his ex back, he could not see their interest. Now that he has finally let go of any attachment to getting his ex back, he’s been able to recognize their interest, and is now dating both of them. It’s a great email that describes the process that any man or woman must go through after a difficult time or breakup, so they can open themselves up to, and attract new lovers into their life and finally move on to create something new and better for themselves.
I just wanted to take a few minutes to thank you. You and your advice have been a big help in getting my center back after a few tough years. It’s a little long, but I promise it will totally be worth it.
I joined the army at 17, and I was far from a ladies man then. A few years and a couple of deployments later, I left active duty. I was still far from a ladies man, but that’s when I decided to do something about it. I found it hard to relate to people and was socially awkward, especially with women. I did some research, found some forums, and read a ton of books. These all helped me develop a solid sense of who I was, what I wanted out of life, and what I wanted in a partner. (Good for you for realizing you had a knowledge gap you needed to fill. You put yourself through a process, found the answers you were looking for, and started getting results.)
I was taking classes at a community college, and acting a little bit older and a lot wiser than the other guys at that school and I was enjoying a pretty fun social life. This is when I met my dream girl, but I was not in the right place for a relationship, and neither was she. I was enjoying my single life way too much, and she was in a relationship. It certainly was very hard for the both of us though, because we did share that crazy electric chemistry that people always talk about, and neither of us forgot that. At that time, I was enlisted in the National Guard, and was being deployed right at the end of the semester. Needless to say, the timing was off.
During my deployment, at what for me was a particularly low point, deep into it, I got a message on Facebook from her. She had reached out, and was trying to keep in touch. We sent emails back and forth for the last few months of the deployment, all of it appropriate for friends. Then all of a sudden, radio silence. Oh well, shit happens.
Fast forward a year later, she pops up. As it turns out, her ex, the guy she was dating the whole time I knew her, was digging through her phone and found our emails and Facebook messages. Again, I totally respected their relationship and so did she. He, being a weak, insecure meat-head type, started beating her and being super controlling. (Real men never hit women.) You know exactly the type I’m talking about. I found this out because after a year of saving every dollar she could and planning, she left him.
She was pursuing me, and at the time, I was in a place that was more conducive to a relationship, so that summer we started dating. The first six months were great. Around Christmas though, is when things started going sideways. I’ll save the explicit details and stick to the highlights. First, I have been diagnosed with PTSD, and that Christmas is when the symptoms started to first appear. (It’s really important for people with PTSD to talk about what they experienced with a counselor. You have to feel it to heal it.) Secondly, Her ex found out about me after her and her son stayed at my house for Christmas. These two things were a recipe for disaster.
Her ex started playing fuck-fuck games with her over the custody of their son. She started acting crazy because she was scared she would lose custody and all that BS. Since I was already emotionally overloaded, I wasn’t handling this like a centered, strong, and decisive man would. I became a little needy bitch, scared of losing her. Somehow, we made it through this little stretch, but after things with him settled down, she could sense that I had changed. So what did she do? She started testing me, and I failed miserably. (These kinds of events happen to help you grow into the fullness of who you are supposed to be. Until you overcome your weaknesses, you will continue to attract women like this into your life to help you grow.) I know she was testing me because she wanted to make sure I wouldn’t end up like her ex, but I was so off center and caught up in my own head, I stopped seeing the forest through the trees. If I had to assign a percentage to who was at fault for the failure of our relationship, it would be 60% me and 40% her. She did some things to test me that, under no circumstances, would be okay. However, had I remained centered, strong, and true to myself, they never would have happened.
She left and started seeing other people, while I just sat around an emotional wreck. I had completely lost sight of everything. It seemed like every few months, as I was starting to rebuild, she would get back in touch with me, and I would revert right back to where I was when she left. (She left to find peace elsewhere, and whenever she reached out to you, you had not changed, which reconfirmed to her she had made the right decision to ditch you.) This went on for almost a year. Back in October is when I first ran into you and your work. I watched a few videos, signed up for your newsletter, and read your book. It was exactly what I needed. When I read your book, things that she had said about what had drawn her to me, and what you were saying were completely congruent. Your book and videos have brought back a lot of things that I had learned years ago, and even taught me some new things. I wish I had found your stuff when things had first started to go sideways. (When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.) It would have been a great reminder to center myself first, and deal with the things from that centered mindset. (What happened happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way. You can’t connect the dots going forward in your life. You will see the significance and importance of having this experience with this woman later on in life.) A lot of what happened could have been avoided. However, the real lesson is that I should always be going back and re-reading and practicing what you teach, no matter what my relationship status is.
On Veterans Day, she reached out again. I was armed with the right mindset, as well as some new knowledge, and we exchanged a few texts. Then I said, “Hey, it’s been great chatting with you, but we should save the catching up for when we meet up. When are you free?” She told me she would check her work schedule and let me know. I never heard from her. I didn’t contact her again. Then on Thanksgiving, she sent a text saying “Happy Thanksgiving.” I asked her to meet up, and she replied with, “ I cant,” so I gave her the old, “Hey, it’s great hearing from you. Get in touch if you change your mind.” Then I got a text on Christmas Eve from her saying, “Hey stranger,” Blah, blah, Blah. My family does their gift exchange on Christmas Eve, and I was busy with that, so I ignored the text. At 12:25 am Christmas Day, I got a “Merry Christmas” text. Now I’ll be honest, I wasn’t feeling completely centered at that moment, and completely tempted to have an emotional vomit session, so I decided that I should wait until I was more centered to respond. (He realized he might come completely unglued, so he did nothing. I did an article and video that talks about this called, “Dating: Less Really Is More.” He recognized he wasn’t in the right place to respond.) The day after Christmas I sent her a text that said “Merry Christmas. I hope Johnny had a good Christmas,” her son. She asked how mine was. I said it was busy because I had to do the holiday circuit: mom’s, dad’s, aunt and uncle’s houses. She remembered doing it with me in the past. She started making some other small talk, and that’s when I texted her and said “I’m glad he had a good Christmas. I’m just going to come out and say what I need to say. I’m happy, and am really enjoying doing me right now. If you’re not looking to hang out and have fun, I’m not sure we have much to talk about. If you change your mind, feel free to get in touch with me.” I haven’t heard from her since. (I would have said, “Hey it was great hearing from you, but I’ve got to run. Keep in touch.” You want her to say, “Hey, we should get together.” She has to be the one who brings it up.)
That moment I sent that text was the tipping point. I lost my connection to an outcome. If I hear from her, great, and if I don’t, oh well. I’m back to setting my terms for relationships, and that’s a good starting point. (In that moment, he took his power back.) It’s like a big weight is off of me. The funny thing about letting go was, as soon as I was okay with it and I took those blinders off, there were two great women who had been putting themselves in my orbit for quite some time, and I could finally see them. I’m dating both of them right now. I’ve been super up front that a relationship isn’t a priority for me, because I still have a lot of work to do to get back to a centered mind. However, for the time being, I’m enjoying their company and setting my terms. (He’s being honest and speaking his truth.)
So, thank you Corey for helping me get back to a centered place where I can begin to rebuild myself in a way that supports my emotional and mental heath.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“In order to move on from a breakup or a dissolution of life circumstances that no longer serves you, you must first accept the reality of your life as it is right now in the present moment. Once you have accepted what is in your life, you can let go of any attachment you may have to the way things were or the people who are no longer in your life. When you no longer have any attachments to your past, then it is easy to look towards the future with positive expectation of new people and better circumstances coming into your life. By having positive expectation and being open to what you want to create in the future, you now will create the necessary space for the right people and circumstances to effortlessly manifest in your life.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne