Ghosted After 2 Good Dates?

Why you may have been ghosted after 2 dates so you can avoid the same mistakes in the future.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about 4 years and has read 3% Man 9 times. Recently, after a second date that ended with sex but some foot in mouth moments, he got ghosted when he tried to set up a third date. He asks my opinion on what led to him getting ghosted. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

It just goes to show, especially in this day and age, women can get so much attention on social media, whether it’s Instagram or even the dating apps, that you really can’t slip up too much. And it just goes to show that the higher the woman’s interest in you, the more mistakes you can make. But the lower in interest and the more options she has, the less you can screw up without getting blown off. And that’s what happened with him.

He kind of knows what he did wrong, but it’s a good email to go through, just because you obviously want to learn from these. Because if you find yourself in this same situation, quite frankly, some of the mistakes he’s made, a lot of guys have made and I’ve made when I didn’t know any better. The goal is to get better, to learn from each one of these situations, so you can better apply the principles that are in How To Be A 3% Man.

Viewer’s Email:

Hello Coach,

I’ve been a follower for about 4 years now. I’ve read your book completely about 9 times, and the primary parts I’ve struggled with 12-15 times. I’m a 3 time cancer survivor, (most recently on 11/5/22).

I guess in the past year he survived cancer for the third time, so good for you, dude. Glad you’re still with us, because if you’re still with us, it means you’ve got more work to do.

And I just want to say thank you, because without your book I would have been hopeless when it comes to recovering socially and emotionally each time.

Yeah, when you’re faced with your own mortality, which the older you get and the more people you lose, the more you realize, ain’t no nobody getting out alive. We’re all dust in the wind, and it can end like that. So, the best thing you can do is find a way to enjoy your life with the time you have and spend it with good people who are good to you, good for you, good for your soul. That’s the hard part, finding and attracting good people. But you’ve got to become a good person yourself in order to do that. You have to become what you want to attract.

I’m currently in a long dry spell since the beginning of COVID, but prior to COVID, I was very successful with women thanks to your book and the fact that I’m 6’ 3”, fit, and good looking. The most recent woman I’ve dated was/is a hot redhead who approached me at a bar while I was just hanging out with my friend and having a good time, when all of a sudden, she tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I had a girlfriend.

Well, typically, when a woman that you just met starts asking you if you’re single or if you have a girlfriend, it’s because she is interested.

I told her I didn’t, and she asked if I wanted to play a game. I agreed and she said, “Do you want to make out?”

Wow. I guess she went through a dry spell herself. Or she could be on the rebound, you never know. Or maybe you really just are the stud of all studs and she couldn’t help herself.

She was hot, so I obviously obliged, flirted a while, got her number and we both went back to our friends. Fast forward 3 days, and I called her, set a definite date and met her at a bar later that weekend. The first date was pretty textbook, she was very affectionate, did a majority of the talking while I asked questions, and I kissed her when the signs were there. I knew the indoor Olympics were gonna have to wait, because she had work early in the morning, so I ended the date, walked her to her car, and kissed her goodbye.

Patience. “Slow and steady, like the river that never grows stale. No hurry, no rush,” as Rumi said.

Three days later I called her, got her voicemail and she called me back. I set plans to pick her up, and we had plans for a date about 10 days later. She called me to confirm 2 days before and I could tell the anticipation was definitely building.

So, this is another reason why you set plans several days in advance. And the fact that she’s reaching out, because he’s got her address and he’s going to go pick her up, and this is why it’s better he met her in person. They got to know each other, they’d already made out. She was really into him, he was into her. This is different than when you’re meeting somebody online and you’re meeting up for a drink; it’s just easy for them to blow you off or to say yes to a date when they’re not that interested. And if there’s somebody else they like more that they meet and they end up going out with that person, they feel no remorse for blowing you off.

But obviously, here, she approached you, she chose you. You got her address, you’re going to pick her up. And the fact that she called two days before to make sure you were still on shows that she was excited about going out on a date with you. All signs of high interest, which is what you want. You want to spend your time with women like this, because women like this make it easy.

On the date, I picked her up, played it cool and we were grabbing drinks before dinner, and before I knew it we were making out. She told me how she was surprised I was into her, because I waited 3 days to call her, but I reassured her I was just busy and that I liked her.

So, obviously, what does that tell you? She’s seeking his approval and attention, and she’s worried about “does he like me?” And that’s always a good position to be in. If they’re hoping that you like them, they’re going to try harder to win you over, which makes it really easy. It’s just like the Adam Corolla joke that I talked about in “3% Man,” where he said, “If a woman likes you, the door opens and all you have to do is walk through it. And when she doesn’t, the doors start closing in your face, and then you walk away.”

We joked and bantered all night and over dinner, and I was really enamored, and even better, I thought she was really into me and she even suggested going back to my place as long as I drove her back that night.

What do you think is going to happen? This makes it so easy, going out with women like this, but for most guys, this doesn’t happen a lot. And if you notice, how did he meet her? He’s having fun with his buddy. He’s not out trying to pick up girls. He and his buddy are having a great time, and this girl sees him and goes over and approaches him. This is what you want. This is what happens when you’re loving your life, enjoying your life. Women sense that. They feel that fun vibe, and they want to come over and talk to you.

This is when things could’ve gone sour.  We got back to my place and we were all over each other and right as I started to get her naked, she told me she was on the last day of her period and I would need to wear a condom.

Red wings!

While having sex, I think I must’ve had too much to drink.

Come on, man. You’ve got to think ahead. I’ve done this in the past. It sucks, but if you’re buzzed, it’s always harder to get it up. And if you’re wearing a condom, it’s even harder, because you don’t really feel anything with a condom on. It’s always much better to raw dog, but you’ve got to be more selective. You’ve got to cover your member. You’ve got to wear your raincoat.

And wearing a condom didn’t help at all, because I went soft very fast. I chugged some water, laid next to her, and soon enough I was hard again, so we tried again, but this time I could tell it was hurting her because of her face, and within a minute she said, “Finish whenever you can,” which you taught me means she’s probably not enjoying it and I could tell she wasn’t.

Well, if you notice, you chugged some water and you relaxed. That was a big help. Because really, getting a boner as a man is really about totally relaxing and letting go. If you’re psyching yourself out, you’re worried about performing, you get performance anxiety, and then you can’t get it up. And the alcohol doesn’t help. And then putting a condom on, which further deadens the sensations, which makes it really hard. But it sounds like she got a little turned off and wasn’t as into it, and that’s why it takes a little while to get the motor running.

I didn’t even try to finish. I just got off her and said, “I don’t want to do it if it doesn’t feel good for you.” After this, we were laying there and she was being bratty and playful still, making out, cuddling, playing, etc. Next is when I’m pretty sure I may have thrown away all the good work I had done on the dates. 

It doesn’t take much.

She was getting ready and dressed and talking about she was sorry we didn’t really have sex and that she had to leave so soon. This is when I said something I really regret. I said jokingly “Its okay, I’ll just call someone else.”

Oh, boy. That’s a bad way to go. I mean, you could pull that off, but you’ve got to have good rapport with her, and she’s got to know that you’re not serious. But it can’t come off as arrogant and condescending.

I was trying to make a joke and be sly, because she is quite snarky herself, but It was such a foolish thing to say in hindsight. The words in your book ran through my head, “A woman likes it when she knows you are popular with women but DON’T RUB IT IN HER FACE.” She responded, “I will too.”

So, she probably took that as a rejection, as a slight, that you were really just interested in pounding the princess and sending her on her way.

And I knew I fucked up. I stood up, walked up to her and said I was sorry and that was a bad joke, but she had already responded. At the moment, I knew it was a mistake, but regardless, she was still playful and affectionate, so I thought I was in the clear.

I took her home and for most of the car ride she was still very affectionate, running her fingers through my hair and complimenting me, telling me I look good, talking about future dates, (her idea), etc. I dropped her off, and when she got out I said, “Call me,” to which she replied “You call me.”  I said “Alright.” Fast forward 3 days, she never reached out after the date. I called her and got her voicemail, but this time she didn’t call me back. She may still call me back another day, but her attraction level must have dropped, because in the past she has called me back.

Or there was another guy. The other thing you have to consider is, man, she was really aggressive the way she came on to you. It could have been she was super excited and super into you, but it also could mean she was on the rebound from somebody else and then things came back around with that. That’s why I wouldn’t do anything, because it’s possible she comes back in a few weeks.

I mean, what’s done is done. Also, the other thing to consider is the sex wasn’t very good and then it was painful. And if it was painful, it’s because she dried up, and if she dried up, it’s because she wasn’t turned on. If you fuck a woman’s brains out and the sex is great, she’ll keep coming back for more. If it’s mediocre or lousy. She ain’t coming back.

I’m assuming the worst and trying to move on to the next one and learn. I’m sorry for the long email, but writing this helped me self-reflect, and this experience just shows how a woman may seem affectionate, but you always need to keep your composure.

Well, you look at her actions. The actions communicate she doesn’t care.

If she doesn’t call me back, I really want to reach out and apologize.

No, I wouldn’t do that. You already apologized once, dude. If you keep apologizing it just makes you look weak, like you’re seeking her approval.

I never acted needy or desperate, as I have only called her to set up dates, so correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think reaching out to apologize wouldn’t be a horrendous Idea, unless she thinks I’m just another douchebag. Regardless, I’m preparing to move forward from this and learn.

The point being is you already apologized. That’s the thing you’re ignoring. And if you call to apologize again, now you’re groveling, and now you’re giving her a reason to think that there’s something wrong.

Thanks again for the life changing work you do and information you provide. I’m not perfect, obviously, but without it I’d be just another self-limiting, mediocre person. 

Best,

Bob

Like I said, just based on her actions, I would say she’s probably on the rebound from somebody, so her behavior is normal. But the other thing that you’ve got to consider is the joke went over like a lead balloon, and on top of that, the sex was bad. But, then again, on the ride home, she was very affectionate. So, you’ve done all you can at this point. You’ve got to let it go. It’s not going to help your case to call to apologize again.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.