Girlfriend Became Distant, Canceled Plans & Left Me Hanging

What it means when your girlfriend becomes distant, cancels plans and leaves you hanging.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 38 year old viewer who has been following my work for 6 years, but never read the book 10-15 times as instructed. His girlfriend of 5 months started slowly fading away, taking longer to respond to his messages and blew off plans they had together. It’s clear she lost interest, attraction and respect for him. He got angry and broke up with her over text after she had been ignoring him and refusing to communicate. He left the door open for her to return if she apologizes and treats him with respect, but wonders if he did the right thin. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, Girlfriend Became Distant Cancelled Plans And Left Me Hanging.

Well this particular email this guy is 38. He’s been following my work for six years, but he said he never read the book 10 to 15 times as instructed. His girlfriend of five months started slowly fading away, taking longer to respond to his messages, and then blew off plans that they had together. It’s clear she lost interest and respect and attraction for him.

And so he basically got angry. He started messaging her and she wasn’t really replying, leaving him on read. And so he broke up with her. And then said, hey, if you ever feel like treating me with respect, reach out. He’s wanting to know, hey, did I do the right thing here?

So let’s go through his email because obviously he’s wanting to attract her back. But, you know, it’s pretty clear along the way she lost respect and attraction for him. And that’s what’s really going on.

Viewer’s Email:

Corey,

I’ve been following you for 6 years, and have read your book 6 times. I realize I’m paying the price for not fully committing, but have now resolved to read the book another 10 times.

Well, this is typically what motivates us human beings. Pain is life’s change agent. It’s life’s way of saying hey, what you’re doing or the way you’re going about things is not, it’s a suboptimal. Let’s put it that way. And so this is typically what happens. Didn’t take me seriously.

When I say read the book 10 to 15 times, gets into a relationship with a girl, stops doing all the things that made him successful because he didn’t really learn the information. He just focused on some pickup skills and some dating skills, never learned about a relationship and how to maintain it, and then gets five months down the road and the girl fades away and he wonders why.

I’m 38 and my now-ex girlfriend is 37. We are both recovering addicts and met through NA meetings.

NA Narcotics Anonymous. I think.

We started spending time together going to NA events, which eventually escalated to dates and hanging out at my apartment.

Well, people that like the same things tend to like each other like attracts like. And so in this particular case, they have similar shared experiences, similar values. So it’s understandable why you would click with somebody like this.

Dating and hooking up followed its natural progression until she asked about exclusivity. We have been together for about 5 months, and she’s regularly told me about how I’m the best boyfriend she’s ever had and how much she adores me.

Well, when she said that, she meant it. But obviously at this moment in time, things have definitely changed. And so, what she said then no longer applies. Because when a woman tells you she loves you or how she feels about you, it’s like the weather report. It only applies on that particular day.

I think a huge mistake I made was in not engaging her emotions properly, as neither of us have said “I love you” during these past 5 months.

Probably because she doesn’t love you. And you probably didn’t make her feel heard and understood when you were spending time together.

The trouble started a few weeks ago. We had a period of a week where we could not see each other due to conflicting schedules. Following that week, I noticed her communication had dropped off quite a bit. I hadn’t heard from her in about 5 days, including a night where I knew we both would be free.

Yeah, you already noticed that she’s backing away. So, something’s gone sideways. And obviously it was going sideways before that. It’s not just because you didn’t talk for a week because your schedules didn’t line up. There are obviously things that you were doing and saying because she never fell in love.

And if you’re applying what’s in the book and we’re going to assume it’s a normal, healthy woman because normal, healthy women typically are going to be in love by week six or week seven. And since you’re five months out and that never happened, I would say you’re probably violating all kinds of principles in the book. But it’s also possible you’re dating a complete Froot Loop, so it wouldn’t really matter.

After reaching out to her, she was slow to respond and only gave short answers.

Yeah, that just shows that you’re not a priority and you’re not that important to her. That’s why you didn’t hear from her for five days.

The upcoming weekend we had plans for my birthday to go see a concert in another city. The night before, I reached out to her to see if she was coming to spend the night before we left for the concert. She told me “I’m sorry. I’ve been feeling really defeated lately and have signed up to work overtime this weekend. I can’t make the concert.”

So, she would much rather not go to the concert and celebrate your birthday. The guy she’s been seeing for five months and said, you know what? It sounds so much like so much more fun to go to work, so I’m going to do that.

I said “I’m not mad, but I would really like to hear from you so we can talk about what’s going on.” She replied “No you wouldn’t.” and left the rest of my messages on “delivered”.

So that’s kind of passive aggressive behavior right there. She’s mad at you, she’s upset about you, but she refuses to talk. You can’t work anything out when the other person refuses to talk. So those are not the actions of somebody that’s healthy and a good communicator. That’s somebody that is being passive aggressive and purposely jerking you around to punish you.

I went to the concert with one of my friends and had a great time. At one point she texted me “Happy Birthday XOXO”, which I did not respond to until much later that evening.

Yeah, you’re supposed to be at a concert celebrating with your girlfriend or the woman that you’re dating, and she says, I’d much rather go to work than celebrate your birthday with you because you’re so important to me.

This week I have continued to hear nothing from her. Yesterday I reached out by text and asked if she wants this relationship to continue.

Again, this is a complete opposite of what the book teaches, dude. So, I would suspect, I don’t know how long it’s been since the last time you read the book, but, you definitely need to go through it. Because you’re not doing anything remotely close to what the book teaches.

So, you shouldn’t be surprised if five months later, you still haven’t been asked to be in a relationship. And on top of that, she cancels birthday plans with you. And the reason she does that is because she doesn’t give a shit about you. That’s the harsh reality. You look at her actions, she doesn’t care.

Bottom line is, if a woman loves you, she’s going to tell her, boss, I can’t work this weekend. I’m doing something with my boyfriend. Or I’m doing something with a guy that I’ve been seeing. It’s his birthday. It’s a birthday weekend. But since you’re not a priority, she chose to go to work instead.

No answer. I tried calling her one last time and she sent it to voicemail.

So she’s definitely avoiding you.

After several hours of no response, I told her that I feel very disrespected by how she had blown off our plans and how she is refusing to talk to me about what’s going on with her. I said “I’m not going to put up with being treated like this anymore. I’m breaking up with you. If you ever decide you want to treat me properly I might be willing to talk, but right now our relationship is over.”

Was my approach to stand up for myself, but leave the door open if she decides to act right in the future, the right thing to do?

Bob

Well, you shouldn’t have been neurotically texting her and chasing her and doing all the pursuing there. Because it’s clear when somebody blows you off for your birthday, you don’t keep calling and texting them. That’s obvious. So the other thing is, is that it sounds like you probably did her a favor, and that’s maybe why she was doing it.

She was hoping you would break up with her because it’s clear she checked out for whatever reason. And I suspect if you actually start reading the book and learning what’s in it, you might start to see what you did wrong. I might have pointed out a few of the things here.

You’re sending multiple texts, and you’re not waiting for her to respond, and then you’re saying things that are just totally inappropriate, and you should never say to somebody that you’re supposedly in a relationship with. But, the book is not going to help you if you don’t take the time to learn it. But most importantly, apply it while you’re learning it.

It shouldn’t be something you read a few times six years ago, or whenever you started following my work. Because it’s clear that you have no idea what happened here. But because I’ve been doing this a long time and I see that she backed away, her attraction and her respect was dropping. And just her comment, whatever you done, you made her feel like you didn’t give a shit about her.

So, she eventually walked away. And then when you tried to talk to her, she wasn’t willing to talk. So that makes it next to impossible, because if you’ve got somebody that’s not willing to communicate, you can’t fix anything. So, it takes two to tango. And she doesn’t want to tango anymore.

So, the only thing you can really do at this point is go find another dance partner. But it’s going to be pretty hard to have a healthy relationship with a woman that treats you this way. Because he claims everything was great until their schedules didn’t match up for a week.

But I suspect what was really going on is she had just gotten to the point where she had checked out, and she never got to the point where she was in love with him anyways and wanted a relationship. He says they never talked about it.

So, my advice to you would be get back into the book and actually read it, and then figure out what you did, what you said wrong. That turned her off in the first place. But the same token is, it doesn’t she doesn’t really seem to behave like somebody you can work out your differences with.

Because her way of working things out is just to basically ignore you, and punish you, and blow you off, and jerk you around. And not communicate why you can’t have a healthy relationship with somebody that just refuses to communicate. It’s clear that her family taught her that that’s how you treat somebody.

When you’re mad at them, you just ignore them and you punish them. You act passive aggressive. You purposely ignore them. You give them the silent treatment. And then when you feel like they’ve suffered enough, then you reach out. And so at this point, yeah, you broke up with her, you dumped her. You blew her off. You’re in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.

You should be falling with that article and video says to do. And if she does reach out, invite her over to make dinner together, hang out and have fun, hook up, just like it talks about. But you were never in a relationship because you never had a commitment to one another.

And the fact that you got so far down the road and you’re still scratching your head, and then you send these things an email here that are literally the opposite of what the book would teach you to do. So, you shouldn’t be surprised that she lost attraction and interest in you, because you’ve probably been doing things wrong for most of the time that you’ve been dating.

Again, the book’s not going to help you if you read it and then don’t actually apply it. Or if you read it many years ago and then don’t ever go back to it to implement it. Because the idea is you should be reading the book, applying it, getting feedback, watching the videos as you’re continuing to date and have experiences with the women that you date.

It can’t be something you read six times and then you can never go back to it. It’s like you don’t see NFL quarterbacks showing up, looking at the playbook for a few weeks during training camp, and then throw it in the back of their locker and going, “I’m good.” It’s constant studying, constant watching film, constantly going out and practicing.

Success comes from successful repetitions and that’s what you need. You need successful repetitions of applying the book while you’re reading it and applying it. Not reading the book, and then years later, applying it. There’s just you have to get competent at applying what’s in the book.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.