Girlfriend Chats With Several Male Orbiters

What it means and what you should do if your girlfriend chats with several male orbiters and guys she used to sleep with.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He met his new girlfriend 5 months ago. They moved in together after only 3 months of dating. She pressed him on his body count and he complied. Hers was twice his. She keeps in contact with many of them and said she would never give them up for anyone because they are all great friends of hers.

He says her phone is constantly blowing up with these thirsty guys and is unsure of what to do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Remember, as I talk about in 3% Man, people can hide who they are for about the first 90 days of the relationship. And so, this guy is getting the person that she wants him to believe she is. And it’s not until many months down the road, after they’ve been living together, that he sees what’s really going on. So, he shouldn’t be in this situation in the first place, but he is where he is. That’s why he found my work, because he’s going, “What does all of this mean?”

Viewer’s Email:

Hey, Coach!

My girlfriend brought up the “what are we?” question after 6 weeks of dating.

It’s typically 6 -7 weeks, if you follow what’s in “3% Man.” I don’t know, maybe he was he was familiar with the work back then, but typically around week 6 or 7, if you’re applying what’s in the book, your girl should be in love with you. That’s assuming she’s normal and healthy and not a fruit loop. I have to throw that in there, because some of the low IQ people that are lost in space in the red pill community always get butt hurt about that. I’m assuming, when somebody sends me the email, unless they explicitly tell me that I’m dealing with a normal, healthy woman, how she should be responding. Now, oftentimes I can tell that she’s a fruit loop and I’ll point that out.

Fast forward 5 months, she asked me how many I had slept with before her.

Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had, sometimes we’d talk about past relationships. When I look back on my life, when I wrote about the women that are in my book, these are not girls that were going out and going home with a different dude every night. These are women that really liked being in a long term relationship. And so, if you’re not dating women that are going to the clubs every week, that are on Tinder, meeting up with a new dude every weekend, then these kinds of issues are not going to really happen in your relationship. Especially if you’re dating family oriented type of women that like relationships, that like to be with one guy only, or date one guy only.

I’ve had several of my girlfriends that when we first started talking, they were like, “Hey, if I’m seeing you, you’re the only guy that I’m seeing. I’m not dating anybody else. I know you’re probably dating other women, but that’s okay. I just want you to know that when I’m seeing a guy, I’m into him only.” Because relationships are important to them. And that’s the kind of women that I like.

But you can have fun, especially if you’re young and you need experience. There’s lots of girls out there that you’re not going to want to wife up, but you can hang out, have fun, and hook up with and have a great time while you’re learning. And there are women of all age groups that are like this, even if you’re a dude in his sixties or seventies. I got email just the other day from a dude who’s in his seventies. He’s a widower, and he hasn’t really dated since he was 18, 19 years old, so he’s been out of the game for many decades. But there’s lots of women out there that he can practice with and hang out, have fun, and hook up with – sow his oats a little bit before he meets a great girl that he really likes to settle down with.

The point being is that if you are applying what’s in “3% Man,” then you’re going to spot these kinds of behaviors and not be getting serious with a girl that you really shouldn’t. And that’s part of the big problem with the guys in the red pill community, is that they just date one train wreck after another. And then it’s like, “Well, all women are like this.” And you’ve got all those channels that just reinforce that message, and then they’re just in a negative loop. If you keep attracting the same woman, guess what, the problem is you, not the women you’re dating.

I told her that I didn’t want to answer that question and that I didn’t want to know her number.

You should have been congruent with that. Because if women can sense that they can push you around and get you to go back on what you said, which was, “Hey, I don’t want to know your number. I don’t care. I don’t want to talk about it. It’s not important to me.”

She started pushing me to answer, I got really annoyed, and then I told her.

This conversation is just not helpful, especially as a guy. If you tell her everything, your whole history, it’s going to be used against you, and it’s just stupid. You know, an interesting thing, something I learned from Doc Love decades ago when I first came across his work, and he’s totally right about this. When he would go do interviews with people, I remember I saw him on an interview one time and she’s like, “Well, what about you? Are you married? Do you have a girlfriend?” And he was like, “I get Hugh Hefner’s rejects.” He would say off the wall things like that and never give anybody a straight answer. I mean, the dude totally practiced what he preached, and I had no idea.

It wasn’t until after he passed away that I found out he had a family. I didn’t know because he did a great job of being mysterious about that. And people always were wondering. Maybe he talked about it on his radio show and his avid listeners knew. But for me, in his work, there was never in anything. It was never in any interviews I saw that he ever mentioned he had a family. He would always kind of make a joke. Women love mysterious guys. He was very mysterious and he did a great job at that. And that’s super important.

And so, when you get things like this, instead of getting annoyed, just say, “I’m an innocent child of God. I’m with you. Hoping to get to first base tonight. Maybe second base.” And then change subject. It’s like, “I don’t care. It’s not important. I’m not going to sit here and go through my history with you. And, quite frankly, I don’t want to hear about yours. I really don’t want to sit here and listen to you talk about other dudes that you were fucking. That’s not exciting to me. I don’t care.”

But the reality is, if she belongs the streets, you’ll find out. You’ll see the behavior. Little things will come out. Especially if she feels like she’s got to confess. And you’ll see, as we go through this email, this is why you don’t move in with somebody right away, because you don’t know what you don’t know. Some women are just not going to tell you. They’ll act all innocent, and it won’t be until you get to the point where her phone is just constantly blowing up with random dudes sliding into her messages that you start to go, “Huh?”

She then told me her number, and it was twice as many as mine.

Is this a good conversation to have? Is this going to help you like her more and be more attracted to her and vice versa? No.

It affected me, she started to cry, and said that she felt like she had ruined our relationship.

This is why you don’t put women in control. What he did, effectively, was he put her in control when he started answering questions that he really didn’t want to. He acted like a bitch, and then what happened? It’s like, you’re supposed to be the driver of the fun bus, and if you put the girl in charge, she’ll drive it off the cliff. And that’s basically what she did. Feminine energy is chaos. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. It just means, as a man, if you tell a woman something, you’ve got to stick to it.

She made it hard for me to move on, because she frequently mentioned her ex-boyfriends in stories she was telling, and it made me uncomfortable.

And so, this is how the truth comes out. It’s not like you’re sitting there asking her about all these things, but she’s just telling a story about something, “Oh, this ex-boyfriend and that ex-boyfriend.” And you’re saying, “Wow, there’s a lot of those dudes.” If she only had one or two significant relationships she’s talking about, then she’s probably not out sleeping with tons of random dudes. But if she’s 22, 23 years old and has got like 15 ex boyfriends, then you’re going to go, “Her body count is probably pretty high for being so young. And so, she sleeps with a lot of guys she shouldn’t.”

After me being needy and insecure in public situations, we had a conversation about her mentioning guys from the past. I said I didn’t like it. She stopped behaving that way and things started to turn around. Fast forward 3 months, we moved in together for practical reasons.

Dude, that’s just stupid. Moving in with somebody that you barely have known for 90 days? That’s a bad way to go. That’s just dumb. That’s naive. That’s inexperience if you didn’t do a good job of pre-qualifying, which is pretty much 100% of the case with the dudes in the red pill community. They suck at it, and they get involved in relationships with women that are train wrecks. And then they just go, “All women suck.” And then gullible guys that are struggling with women come across this work and they go, “Oh, I guess all women suck. That must be my problem. It’s not my fault. It’s modern women. It’s society, it’s the internet, it’s the dating apps. Hypergamy doesn’t care. She’s not yours, it’s just your turn.”

Recently, we went on a date, it all went well, we had a really good time. When we got home, I felt rejected because she took off her dress and went to bed. What I didn’t realize was that she wanted to have sex with me.

Well, did she take off just her dress, or she take off everything? Does she normally go to bed in her underwear, or not?

Because of my own triggers and insecurities, I didn’t see that. She felt rejected because of my passive aggressive behavior. I then managed to say, “We suck at communicating with each other, it hurts.”

What you communicate when you say something stupid like that is that you don’t know what you’re doing, you don’t understand women, and you’re not a competent man. You’ve got to think about what you’re saying to your girl. It’s like, “Is this going to make me look attractive and like I know what I’m doing? Or is it going to make me look like a dunce and a nibbler,” as Quintus Curtius would say.

She got upset, and I instantly knew I fucked up. I played the victim role, and it turned her off. The next day, I picked up your book.

Well, in his defense, I assume he’s new, so I can’t beat him up too bad. But it’s like, come on, man. You’ve got to think about that. And that’s part of what’s in the book. One of the things that’s in the book is, if it’s going to cause her to see you as more attractive, and masculine, and desirable, then tell her. And if it’s going to do the opposite, then shut your mouth. Don’t say it. If it’s not going to help your case, don’t say it. Don’t give her ammunition, and when she’s hurt and upset she can use it against you. But a lot of guys just walk right into it. It’s like walking right into the glass door that’s just so perfectly clear, and then it shatters.

I managed to get her to talk, and I listened and repeated some of the things she said. She opened up more but was not fully opened. I teased her and fooled around to the point where she got annoyed.

So, you read what was in the book. You went through it one time, and you’re coming off as a little robotic. This is understandable because you’re new to it. This is another reason why I say to read it 10 to 15 times.

She said she didn’t want me to touch her boobs, because she wanted to build up trust.

You’re living together. Trust? It’s like, “What? Are you kidding me. Honey, we’re living together and we’re sleeping in the same bed. If you’re telling me you’ve got to build up trust now, it’s like, you kind of fucked up. We’re beyond that. And by the way, these are my boobies,” as you motorboat them.

I said, “What? They’re mine. It’s impossible, have you seen how sexy they are?”

That’s a good comeback. I like that.

The next morning, she brought up our conversation. She said she didn’t like that I teased her that much.

It’s like, “Babe, I tease you because I love you. Don’t ever take that stuff personally. It’s because I think you’re cute, and you’re sexy, and you’re fun, and I want to see you smile more.”

And that she wanted to build up trust. I listened, repeated some of the things she said, and then she smiled. She then initiated sex.

Ah-ha! What does that mean? When a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. So, whatever you did, you did good there. So, good job. You opened her up.

This was 3 days ago. After that incident, she is much more attracted to me, and she initiates kisses, cuddles and sex.

That’s very good. It’s a good sign.

I’m planning on sticking to the philosophy and to read your book 12-15 times. No drama allowed.

You made a good decision. Good choice.

The last problem that bothers me is her contact with other dudes.

Well, we’ll address these things one at a time. Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all.

She has said in the past that she still chats and hangs out with guys she used to have a friends with benefits relationship with. When she brought it up, I didn’t have the knowledge to know what to do.

Well, if she brings that up, “Oh, yeah. I hang out with him,” it’s like, “Well, we’re in a relationship now. We live together. The reality is, all of these friends with benefits or exes of yours that you stay with, that you say are “just good friends,” the only reason they’re hanging out with you is because they still want to sleep with you. That’s a fact of life. I don’t care what they say, the bottom line is they still want to sleep with you. That’s why they’re hanging out with you, and that’s why they stay in touch. It doesn’t matter whether you believe it or not. That’s the reality. I’m a guy, I know how guys think, and that’s what they want.”

“I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate it if I was hanging out with women that I used to sleep with, or ex-girlfriends, or the cute girl from the office that has a little crush on me. You wouldn’t like that. But out of respect for our relationship, if I’m friends with an ex, or a former friends with benefits, or the cute girl at work that wants to hang out, I’m going to have you there with me because we’re teammates. And the same thing, if one of your friends with benefits wants to hang out with you, you should be having me there. And if you’re not willing to do that, then that’s a problem.”

“I don’t want to be in a relationship where my girlfriend is going out, hanging out having drinks, and going over to the house of a guy she used to have sex with. That’s just not appropriate. A loyal woman is not going to do those things. She’s going to want me to come along, and maybe we’ll double date with his new girl. But if he doesn’t have a new girl, we should both be there.” A woman’s not going to like you going out and hanging out by yourself and going to drinks with a chick you used to sleep with, especially if you’re in a committed relationship.

She said that she would never cut contact with them for anyone…

And so, what that tells me is that she likes the attention she gets from these guys. And on some level, if things don’t work out with you and her, she’ll bounce right from your bed into theirs, or one of their beds, (I don’t know how many dudes there are).

…because they were such good friends.

They’re not good friends. So, the next time this comes up, you just say, “Look, they don’t look at you as just a friend. They’re figuring, at some point, they’re going to get back in your pants. That’s why they stay in touch.” And if she goes, “No, no, it’s not like that,” it’s like, “Don’t tell me that shit. I love you, but that’s a bunch of crap. And if you believe that, you are naive and you’re gullible. Men don’t stay in touch with women that they used to sleep with because they want to be pals. They stay in touch because they’re hoping to get another shot. That’s a fact of life. You can believe it, or not. But I’m telling you, that’s reality.”

“And if we’re going to be in a relationship and we’re going to be exclusive, there’s no way I’m going to be in a relationship with a girl who’s going to go hang out one-on-one and go have drinks and party with guys she used to have sex with with me not being there. I don’t want to be in a relationship like that. It tells me you don’t respect me. You don’t respect our commitment. You’re not loyal, you’re not monogamous.” Because women who are loyal and faithful will never do that. Never. They just simply will not, because they know it’s inappropriate. Good, family oriented girls are not going to do that.

This was after we had moved in together. Before I bring this up, I want to bring her attraction level up to a 10.

Well, a good time to have these conversations is right after you just finished having sex. Especially if something happened a few days before and you’ve been kind of biting your tongue, waiting for the right moment. Say, this is Saturday night, you just had an amazing session of the indoor Olympics, and she said one of her former friends with benefits, who’s “just a friend” now, had gotten in touch with her Tuesday and wanted to go have drinks, that’s when you should talk to her about these things.

What is the right way to handle this? How do I figure out if she still chats with these guys? Should I ask her? All I know is that her phone blows up right in front of me.

Bob

Again, I’d bring that up to her. You could bring that up the next time. After you have sex and you’re laying there, bring it up. Just say, “You know, whenever we’re hanging out, your phone’s always blowing up in front of me, and there’s always random dudes’ names. I don’t even know who these guys are. I’m like, ‘Who are these guys that are texting my girlfriend?’ And you’re saying, ‘Oh, these are men I used to have sex with.’ It’s like, do they know you’re in a relationship with me? Do they know we’re committed? Do they have zero self awareness? Do they lack intelligence? I mean, do they know that we’re in a relationship?”

You need to have these questions and you need to tell her how you look at it. You can just say, “It’s not loving for you to entertain attention from other guys.” If she loves you, and values you, and respects your relationship, she’s going to tell all these guys, “Hey, you know, it’s cool if you want to text me during the day, but at night when I’m at home with my boyfriend, you texting me and making comments on my Instagram posts or things that we used to do together, it’s kind of inappropriate.”

She needs to be setting some boundaries with these guys out of respect. You can just say, “Hey, you wouldn’t like it if I was hanging out with girls I used to sleep with. Or, going and hanging out with cute girls from the office who have crushes on me and want to sleep with me, you wouldn’t like that. And so, I don’t understand why you think that I have to put up with that. It just doesn’t work for me. I don’t like that. It’s not respectful. If you want to stay committed to me and you want me to stay committed to you, you’re just going to keep these guys at arm’s length.”

Again, the only reason she keeps these dudes around would be because she’s insecure and she wants to keep backup plans in case the relationship doesn’t work out, and that’s a big red flag. And you should have dated her for at least a year before you ever moved in, but you live with her, so there’s not much you can do about it at this point. You just have to determine, while you’re living with her, whether or not she’s a woman who has integrity. Because you can set these boundaries with her, and if she loves you and she’s loyal and she’s respectful, she’ll go, “Okay. Yeah, you’re right. I understand. That is rude. That would be disrespectful.” And then she’ll comply with that.

A good woman will comply. A ratchet will not. She’ll say yes, she’ll comply with it, and then you’ll find out a few weeks or a few months later she just did it anyway. And if she just does it anyway and she doesn’t respect the boundaries, then you’re going to have to enforce them and say, “You’re going to have to move out. This ain’t working for me. You’re not loyal enough. You don’t respect our relationship, and I’m out.” So, it may come to that point. You’ve got to be realistic.

When you had talked about in the past, one of the issues, bringing up the ex-boyfriends and talking about all of that, you were like, “I don’t really want to hear about all that shit.” Nobody really wants to sit and continually hear your girlfriend, or your wife, for that matter, potentially talking about guys she used to be in a relationship with, and the sex, and the stories. You don’t want hear that shit. No guy wants to hear about that.

And the fact that, so far, she’s respected that shows that the potential is there that she’ll respect a boundary. And so, you’ve got to respect that boundary, and now we want to tactfully, at the right time, see if we can get her to respect this boundary. And if she does, then she has a chance of keeping you. And if she doesn’t, then eventually, she belongs to the streets! Then, you’ll have to throw her back and start all over.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page of the website and book a coaching session with yours truly.