Girlfriend Of 2 Years Wants To Be Celibate Until Marriage After A Religious Retreat

What you can do if your girlfriend wants to be celibate until marriage after a religious retreat.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer whose girlfriend of 2 years stopped having sex with him and says she wants to wait until marriage after attending a religious retreat. He’s not religious and doesn’t want to wait. She unilaterally changed the terms of their relationship and he’s not ok with it and asks what he can do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Girlfriend Of 2 Years Wants To Be Celibate Until Marriage After A Religious Retreat.”

Well, that is definitely something that will give you a bad case of blue balls. So let’s see what we can see here. So I would have to say it’s probably not just the religious retreat. I would say probably when she went her interest was already low and she wasn’t happy. They probably, you know, especially if because this guy’s not religious, but his girlfriend kind of is. And so he’s like, “I’m not down with no sex until marriage. We’ve been together two years.”

But I guess she does have some physical things, physical issues that make sex unpleasant or painful at different times. And so he’s not, he’s not really down for this. And especially if you’re going to get married. If you’re in this case, and you’re not interested in no sex until marriage, when you’ve been hooking up for the last two years, you’ve been together. She’s unilaterally changing the terms of your relationship, either because her interest is low or, who knows, maybe she got a little too much of the religious Kool-Aid. Maybe she’ll mellow out in a few months.

But if you’re not down with it, if you don’t share those kinds of values, then she can submit and give you what you want. Or you can go find a woman who shares the same goals and values and doesn’t have all these health issues around the sex. Because if you already have a not good sex life, getting married is not going to fix that. What will end up happening is you’ll end up being roommates in a loveless, sexless marriage, and then you got to go through the expense of a divorce down the road. So the marriage is not going to fix the sex problem.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I hope you are doing well. I write you from Chile and I need your help (sorry for the broken English). First, I’ve read your book 13 times so far and I’m in a relationship with my girlfriend of 2 years. She’s an evangelic and I’m not religious.

Well remember, your goals and values have to be aligned. And so from a value perspective, your religious values are not the same. So there’s a conflict there. Doesn’t mean it can’t be worked through, but, if she’s holding you to standards of her church or her preacher and you don’t share them, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away.

Meaning if you don’t want to spend the next few years having no sex until marriage, it’s. Because more than likely after the marriage it’s not going to get any better. And then you’re stuck in a marriage, and then you got, especially now you’re involved in the government and you’re marriage. And typically it’s just not easy. And the laws are usually not in your favor.

Everything was going smooth until the last month, she went to a religious camp and when she came back, she was different, she changed her personality, we were having sex before that with some physical difficulties due to a condition she has, but now she wants to be celibate until marriage, of course I’m not happy with this decision.

Yeah, if you’re not down with it, you got to be honest and upfront. You can’t sit there and bite your tongue and go, “yeah, this is great and fine. I’m totally okay with it.” You got to let her know. It’s like, “this doesn’t work for me. We’ve been together for two years, making love, and I’m not gonna be celibate with you until we get married.

As a matter of fact, if that’s the way you’re going to operate, then not only are we, are we not going to get married. But I’m not going to stay with you and be your boyfriend. That just doesn’t work for me. You have unilaterally turned our love affair and our love story and our romance into a roommate situation, and I’m not down with that. And that’s not going to work for me.”

I still date and court her, and I make sure she feels heard and understood. She knows my position I’m this topic, yet she still took her decision.

Well, she can make her decision and live that way if she wants, but doesn’t mean you have to go along with it.

I’m really sad about this situation and I want your opinion coach.

So I have a, um, a family member that’s close to me that went through this with a girl, a woman that he was dating, and they were dating for about a year, having sex normally. And she was Mormon. And this particular family member was kind of prone to act like a beta male and be too soft and squishy and not lead, and put her in charge and make her the man in the relationship. So at some point she no longer felt safe and comfortable. Plus, she’s going through a divorce and her ex husband to be was dodging her and she was having a hard time finding him for, you know, service of process. And trying to serve him with divorce papers.

And he was hiding his assets because he didn’t want to have to pay her any alimony, because he basically took all of her money and assets that she had and put it into his business and basically absconded with her cash. And so initially, she said, well, I don’t want to have sex because I’m in the middle of divorce and I think it might create problems in my divorce proceedings. And so I said, what’s happening is you’re getting friend zoned. He’s like, “well, I’m we’re not we’re more than friends.”

And I’d watch him get all dressed up and go on dates, spend a bunch of money on a nice expensive lunch, come back with a bad case of blue balls, maybe a kiss on the cheek. And this just kept going on for months. I was like, you’re in friend zone. You, you got friend zoned. He’s like, “no, I didn’t.” And then the next excuse was, “well, I’m decided to go back to the church and be more in my Mormon religion. So that’s why I don’t want to have sex with you.” And eventually, after about a year of this and me browbeating him, he finally grew a set of balls and he stood up to her and said, “this is not normal.

This is not what I signed up for. I’m out.” And he left her and he broke it off. After spending lots of money and taking her to lunches and dinner and getting a peck on the cheek. And so about ten months later, after her divorce was finalized, she got back in touch. They went out on a date and they hung out. They had fun and they hooked up. It was completely different. And several years later, they got married. And for the most part, they’re living happily ever after, even though this particular family member has basically made her the man in the relationship and she’s the boss. It’s the way he likes it. He likes to be told what to do. He even says that. And you know, they’re in their 70s.

It’s like, you ain’t gonna fucking change. So what it took was him just saying, I’m not down for this. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And you’re not down for this. Your girl is imposing this on you. She’s imposing her religious values on you. But I suspect probably what it was, is before she left, her interest was low. Her respect was low because women don’t close the legs to a man they’re in love with. It’s like this was the excuse. “Oh, we’ll just wait till marriage. Sex is painful.” What is the upside for you in this relationship? Same thing I expressed to my family member.

Like you’re spending all this money taking her out to lunch and dinner and getting all dressed up and helping her out with things. And it’s like, what do you get? You get nothing but blue balls and promises of more later. You’re getting punked. You’re being a fucking chump. And eventually he took his balls back and said, I’m out. Ten months later, she came crawling back and she was a different person. So if you’re having sex, then she uses the religion. I would say the most of the time. And, you know, because I’ve been doing this for years, most of the time, what it is.

The religion becomes the excuse to not have sex, when in reality they’ve lost attraction and respect. Because again, if she’s head over heels in love with you and worried about losing you, she’s not going to stop having sex with you. The reason she stopped having sex with you is she probably wasn’t enjoying it, wasn’t very good or very pleasurable. She didn’t feel safe. It’s typically the reason why. And in my family members case, she certainly didn’t feel safe because he was always acting like a fucking beta male and always trying to make her the man in the relationship, even though.

And he wouldn’t listen. And I was breaking his balls just about every fucking day. Every time I saw him, every time I talked to him about it, I was like, you’re in friend zone. No I’m not. You’re in friend zone. Yes you are. You’re being a fucking pussy I love you. Grow a set of balls and stand up to her if you want to get back in into the promised land. If you want those strawberry fields back in your life, it’s. You got to stand up to her because you act like a fucking bitch and she’s treating you like a bitch. She likes the attention. She likes the validation. She likes you taking her to expensive places. But she ain’t giving it up because she don’t feel safe with you as a man.

Because you’re acting like a fucking pussy. It took a year, but he finally caved and listened to me. And then ten months later, she came crawling back. Completely different attitude. So you got to be totally honest and upfront with her. You got to say this. I’m not going to continue in this relationship if we’re not going to have sex anymore, because then we’re just friends. There’s nothing romantic here. I’d just rather, you know, start dating other people.

And, you know, you can go find somebody in your church that wants to do no sex until marriage. And the other thing to consider is she’s got physical problems. And so the sex was probably infrequent. And it’s no fun for her anyways. If she’s not willing to do anything to fix it or go to see a doctor about it, why would you want to put up with that? It’s like why there’s 8.5 billion people on the planet, and half of them are women. You can find another girl, dude. I would not be putting up with it.

I’m really sad about this situation and I want your opinion coach. Should I end things with her?

Well, if she’s not willing, if you don’t share the same values and goals, what’s the point? Your needs are not being met. She unilaterally changed the terms of your relationship. She imposed this on you. You are not married to her, and you don’t owe her anything. And so if she’s not willing to continue on with the kind of relationship you had before this religious retreat, well, then just tell her you’re going to date other people so you can continue to date, but you’re not going to be exclusive to her anymore, because that means that you’re no longer lovers.

You’re just friends. It’s like you didn’t sign up for a friendship. You signed up for a lover and a teammate, and she chose to not be that anymore. Doesn’t, irregardless of her, her, uh, religious reasons? I’d say the religious reasons, based on what I’ve seen, is usually just an excuse for low interest and low respect. And the woman not feeling safe.

I really care for her, but I don’t jive with this thing of no sex until marriage thing. She also tells me to not abandon her because of this.

Thank you for your time coach, your book really has helped me in many situations.

Bob

Well it’s like, when she says, “don’t abandon me.” It’s like you abandon our relationship. You tapped out. You basically turned our romance into a friendship, and I’m not interested in that. It’s not what I signed up for. So if you’re not interested in sex and romance, then I’m out. I’m going to start dating other people. So that’s what I would do if I were you. I would not put up with it. Because if you put up with it, then you’re acting like a bitch. And why get married?

You’re just hoping that she’s going to want to have sex with you because you get married. What happens if you get married and she’s like, well, I’m not feeling it, or I got a headache and now you got to give her half your assets if you choose to leave. Then it’s like, I would not agree to this. No fucking way.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.