Good Women Are Affectionate, Easy Going & Sweet. Bad Women Are Structured, Cold & Distant

How to determine if her father did a good job or if she’s too messed up to be with.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email update from a viewer whose previous email I answered in, Do I Treat All Women The Same, Even If She’s Reserved & Religious? She’s clearly structured, difficult and appears to be messed up. She’s been backing away and texting less and says he doesn’t text her enough as the reason. On their first date, she gave him the cheek, but then later kissed him.

He’s decided he doesn’t want a relationship with her and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular Members Only email is an update from a guy whose previous email I answered about a month, month and a half ago in the newsletter titled, Do I Treat All Women The Same, Even If She’s Reserved & Religious?

This guy has been kind of hanging out with a girl who is of Iranian descent, and she’s been in the UK for a few weeks. So at this point, they’ve been kind of seeing each other for four or five weeks. They’ve been sleeping together. She was like expecting him to wait or expecting to wait, but she ends up sleeping with him by the second or third date. However, he’s noticed the last few weeks that she’s actually reaching out last, and when he’s opened her up, she says, “Oh, it’s because you don’t text me enough,” but if we look at her actions, she’s kind of backing away and getting kind of cold. She’s seeing a therapist. She told him that she grew up in a family where there was absolutely no affection, no hugging, no nothing. Her parents were just total cold fishes. So this guy says he’s also a therapist and he’s like, “I don’t want to fix this girl,” but he’s kind of decided just because she’s obviously very structured and she’s not really acting natural.

Again, emails like this, when I read the way it is, like on their very first date, he goes to kiss her, she turns her head, gives him the cheek, and then a little while later, she kissed him. So she’s clearly doing things because she’s following a set of rules. Again, that’s what a structured woman does. She doesn’t act natural. She doesn’t go off instinct. She doesn’t go off of what feels right. She does what she thinks she’s supposed to do, and that can be a very frustrating, very tiring and very exhausting, which is basically where this guy is at. He’s just like, “Ahh, so much work!”

I say it all the time. You want a girl who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, not somebody that’s structured, a pain-in-the-ass, following a set of rules and is purposely holding back like she admits that she is. She claims, since he doesn’t text her more that that’s the reason why she’s kind of backing away, but in reality, you can see he’s just kind of sick of it. Like as I read the email, it was just like, “Oh, so much work.”

Again, if you guys are going to date structured girls, this is what you’re going to experience. It’s just a pain in the ass. She’s not going to really act natural. The book is designed for normal women, not women that are fucked up, and this girl is a little fucked up and she knows she’s fucked up. She admits she’s fucked up. She’s going to see a therapist for it. This guy is a therapist and he’s already gone, “But she’s still hot.” It sucks when you like a girl and she’s hot, but it’s like every time you get around her, she just doesn’t act natural. It’s a pain in the butt. I don’t want to deal with that, because I noticed when I was younger, like it never really got any better. It was always some set of rules that she was following a bunch of hoops that she expects you to jump through in order to get certain things. There’s just no natural being together.

Easy going, easy to get along with. This girl is not easygoing, easy to get along with. On top of that, she’s an attorney. So she lives in the world of masculinity. She claims that she’s trying to be more feminine, but also at times, she’s probably got a lot of boss girl energy, especially an attorney. Attorneys tend to be kind of argumentative and difficult. Again, why would you want to put up with this?

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

Thanks so much for the previous email response, your input means a lot.

I’ve been dating this new Iranian girl for about a month now. We’ve gone on around eight dates. She’s only been in the UK for four months, and she’s a lawyer, so she operates in a pretty masculine energy most of the time.

Like why would you want to date a hot chick who’s very masculine? It’s such a turn off. That’s a dick swiveller upper. Too much boss girl energy. No, thank you!

She doesn’t have much relationship experience. I’m only the second guy she’s ever slept with. She told me she wants to learn to be in her feminine.

Is that the kind of thing you see in a hot girl? “Oh yeah, I’m really trying to be more in my feminine.” Has she been provided a safe environment growing up by mom and dad to where she could be a girl, and she was encouraged to be a girl and she was celebrated? This would be easy and natural for her, but instead she was probably judged a lot, told she was bad, disciplined a lot, the parents probably ignored her unless she was doing something to fuck up.

On our second date, she told me she wouldn’t have sex quickly because she needed to have her emotions engaged first.

That’s what she said. This was like, when his first email came in, he was kind of like, “Ahh, should I change the book approach because she says she’s religious?” I was like, “No.” You treat them all the same because if she’s a good girl, she’ll stick around and she’ll hang out, have fun, hook up, but if she’s fucked up or she’s structured, you’re going to have difficulty right away. Again, first time you tried to kiss her, she gave him the cheek.

I’ve never, ever, that I can think back in my whole life, had a relationship be easy and effortless. When I got the cheek at first from a girl, they were always a pain-in-the-ass. It was always something else. It’s like, “Hey, the tomato sauce goes in this cupboard and the label has to be facing this way. It’s got to be in this shelf. The towels have to be a certain way on the rack. The drawers have to be organized a certain way. The ceiling fan can’t be on while we’re trying to have sex.” It’s always something.

But by date three, we slept together because I did everything right, and her “rules” went out the window. She later admitted that she expected to wait a month or two before sleeping with me.

Yeah well, she got turned on and she gave it up. She felt safe and comfortable. She gave it up.

Lately though, she’s been a bit grumpy when we meet…

Easygoing, easy to get along with. Most importantly, she’s nice to you. You’ve been dating a girl for a month, you show up, and now she’s going to be grumpy.

…And I’ve had to spend time getting her to open up. She’s a big over-thinker…

I.e., she’s structured.

…Sees a therapist weekly.

Obviously, she’s messed up.

…And has told me she didn’t receive affection from her family growing up.

So affection, relationships, if you’re going to act normal with her, she doesn’t know what normal is, it doesn’t feel right.

She actually loves hugging me because she says she never had that as a child. She also mentioned that in Iranian culture, men tend to be very romantic, and I’m different from what she’s used to.

Last night, she said she’s unsure how she feels about “our situation” because her emotions aren’t fully engaged.

In other words, she’s telling him she doesn’t have super high interest and a woman doesn’t engage her emotions by a talk. She has to feel it.

She expected emotional highs and lows, but instead, things feel steady.

In other words, she’s used to chaos and she doesn’t know what normal is because she wasn’t raised in a normal environment. She has a mental concept of the way things are supposed to be, but if you’re acting normal and healthy, she’s not going to jive with that because again, she expects to get no affection. She’s used to that. She’s used to things being messed up. If things are easy and effortless, that’s not going to feel normal to her and she’ll tend to self-sabotage, which is what it seems like she’s starting to do here, probably because she feels a little unsure of things.

As I dug deeper, I found out that her main issue is that I don’t text her much between dates so she feels like I don’t care.

Does she reach out to you? Again, easygoing, easy to get along with. Girls that are like this, girls that are normal and natural that love their dads, are going to reach out to you, but girls whose fathers ignored them, like this one, this girl’s father did, they’re going to be messed up. They’re not going to be natural. They’re going to hold back on purpose.

She said I thought about the things you do to confirm that, “He is into me.”

Despite the fact you call her, you invite her out on dates, you have everything planned out, you show her a good time, you seduce her, you listen to her, but yet she’s like, “Yeah, I don’t think you care about me.” She doesn’t know because her dad never loved her. So she doesn’t know what normal is. So it’s going to be really hard to try to have a normal relationship with somebody like this because again, she doesn’t know what it looks like or feels like, so she will fuck it up on purpose because she thinks your behavior is not normal when actually her behavior is the abnormal behavior. Easygoing, easy to get along with. I say it all the time, and number one, she’s got to be nice to you.

As you say, “Women are more attracted to men who’s feelings are unclear.”

Well, that’s a scientific fact. It’s not what I say. It’s the science, and you can see it in your own life.

She said she doesn’t know if we are, “Sex partners” (Fuck buddies) or if it can be a relationship.

You say, “Well, what is it you’re looking for? What is it you want?” And she’s like, “Oh, I don’t know.” It’s like, “Well, let’s just continue to hang out, and if you miss me or thinking about me, pick up the phone and call me or text me.” Don’t sit there and go, “I’m going to not call him or text him because he must do it to me.” Like, that’s unnatural.

Again, you’re trying to coach a structured woman into behaving normally. Good luck with that. I learned long ago you should avoid them, but if you think you’re going to be Captain Save-A-Hoe or Captain Save-A-Structured-Woman that came from a shitty environment where dad did a bad job, well good luck.

We go out on dates, not just have sex so there is more there than friends with benefits. She even admitted she holds back from texting me first because I don’t text her either.

Well, you do text her. You say you text her every few days to make a date, so that’s not actually true. She’s giving you what she thinks is the problem, when in reality the problem looks like she’s just messed up. Then again, normal, healthy girls don’t behave this way. You don’t have these discussions. They may complain that you don’t text them enough, but they’re still reaching out to you. If you’re a month in and she still doesn’t reach out at all, well again, you’re dealing with a woman that’s not doing what she feels she should do because she wasn’t provided a safe environment growing up. Dad was a zombie. He ignored her completely. So she doesn’t know what normal is. She’s used to getting ignored.

The thing is, I’ve been following what you teach. I lead by setting up a date once a week if I don’t hear from her, and I don’t engage in pointless texting. But she said, “I don’t want to lead this relationship.”

Well, are you planning the dates or are you going, “Hey, where do you want to go?” Or “What do you want to do?” So if she says something like that, maybe you’re abdicating authority because, as you said, she’s kind of masculine.

She’s actually been texting me less recently, which makes me think she’s pulling back to see if I’ll start chasing her instead.

I’ve decided that I don’t want a relationship with her, because relationships should be playful and fun. However, this is hard work quite a lot of the time after only one month!

Yeah, this is exhausting.

Again, this is exactly why I warn you guys not to date women like this, but you guys, when you’re focused on your interests, you kind of ignore that stuff. Again, if you think back to your first time you tried to kiss her, what did she do? Did she kiss you back? She wanted to kiss you back, but instead, she gave you the cheek. Then a few minutes after, she gave him the cheek. Then she kissed him again. That is the sign of a structured woman.

If she’s like this already and doesn’t change that wouldn’t make for a healthy relationship.

Yeah, it’s a pain in the ass.

Again, it’s exhausting dating women like this because you have to do everything. There are women that will just absolutely never, ever reach out to you even though they want to, but they don’t, and it never gets better.

The thing is that I am therapist by profession, so naturally want to help people grow but I realize she isn’t a client so this is her problem to solve.

Yeah, it’s not your job to fix her, to step in and do what her father failed to do.I t’s your job to recognize it because again, it’s exhausting and tiring.

So you have a girl that thinks about you, that wants to text you, but she purposely doesn’t because her rules are, “Oh, he should be texting me.” So instead of her reaching out and then you’re getting together more and having more fun, you don’t see each other. Then when you do, she’s kind of bitchy because she’s not acting normal. I’d say partly the reason she’s bitchy, what is behind bitchiness? Anger. What’s behind anger? It’s always fear. Probably fear that she’s not going to be loved. So I would say her emotions are probably getting engaged, but she doesn’t feel safe because she doesn’t know what safety feels like because again, dad didn’t provide that.

I feel like the right move is to let her reach out to me and just set up another date if I don’t hear from her in the next five days.

Yeah, let’s see if what happens if you don’t call or text her at all. See if she’ll reach out. Then if she doesn’t, well obviously she didn’t care that much, and maybe all along this guy has been kind of reaching out a little bit more and talking himself into it because he likes her. Now that he’s five or six weeks in and she’s still not really making any effort. As a matter of fact, she’s making less. Again, remember the first time he tried to kiss her? She turned the head and then a few minutes later, she kissed him. So she wanted to kiss him, but she didn’t kiss him on purpose. She’s not acting natural. She’s not acting normal. This is what structured women do. They annoy the fuck out of you, and it’s not easy-going.

What I want to know is, since she said she doesn’t want to lead, does that mean I should text her more?

No. The phone is for setting dates. She told you she’s purposely not texting you. She’s not reaching out to you. She’s not doing things to make the relationship grow and evolve, and she’s doing things to damage the relationship. Then she says, “It’s your fault. Oh, this is all because you don’t text me enough.” No, it’s because she’s got a set of rules, because she’s a structured woman.

Or is that just her way of asking me to chase?

Well, you could chase her and start blowing her phone up and see how well that works and she’d go, “Ahh, there’s no chemistry. Something’s missing. I’m just not feeling it.”

I feel like if I suddenly start texting more, she’ll lose respect for me because she’ll see that she can control my behavior by complaining. She obviously wants to know that I care about her, as she is looking for what she was missing in childhood, but it also feels like a test that would cause her to lose attraction if I did put in more effort.

Well, the important thing to notice is after five or six weeks, she’s not putting in more effort. She’s putting in less effort because again, the problem is she’s got a set of rules and the rules are not being followed. Therefore, she’s sabotaging the relationship because her rules are not being followed.

Again, this is why you don’t date structured women, despite the fact that they’re hot, because what you want her to do is to throw away all of her rules, and if you’re already worn out and you know you don’t want to have a relationship with her, then I wouldn’t call her at all. I just let her be and see if she reaches out. She may never reach out to you again and that’ll be the end of it, or a month will go by, and then she’ll reach out, then she’ll try to blame you and you just say, “Well, the reason why I stopped reaching out is because you weren’t making any effort at all. On top of that, you would complain.” I would be like, “I want to have a good time. Easy going, easy to get along with. The last few times we hung out, you’re kind of bitchy towards me and you’re complaining I need to do more. Then you’re telling me that you want to reach out, but you don’t on purpose. I just want a girl that’s kind of natural and easygoing, and you’re just not. So unless you’re willing to make more of an effort, I’m out.”

Honestly, although she is attractive, my interest level is declining and I’m not feeling like putting the effort in with her anyway because she’s not really adding to my life.

Yeah, because you want to hear from her. Then it’s like you notice you’re five, six weeks in, and she’s not made any more of an effort than she was in the beginning. You’re doing most of it and now she’s complaining you’re not doing enough effort, and if you start making more of an effort, you’re just going to see that her attraction is dropping. It will drop, and again you just get more exhausted.

I am ready to walk, but I am also learning how to communicate with a difficult woman…

Why? Life is hard enough.

…Get to the core of the issue and stay in my calm masculine in difficult situations.
Would love to hear your take on this.

Thanks, 

Bob

Well again, I wouldn’t have gotten this far with this girl because you know, I don’t date structured women, but it’s your life. You can do what you want if you think you can fix her. Maybe a part of it is you being a therapist, and you’re thinking, “Oh, I can work with this. I can fix her. I just talk her into being normal.” It’s not working out too well. If it was me and this was my situation again, because you’ve already decided you don’t want to date her long-term just because she’s a pain-in-the-ass and it’s tiring. I wouldn’t call her at all. See if she reaches out. If she does, invite her over. Hang out, have fun, hook up. If she complains she hasn’t heard from you, it’s like, “The reason I haven’t reached out is that, you’ve been bitchy the last few times we got together. You’re not really making much of an effort. Things don’t really seem to be progressing with us. On top of that, you’re complaining. So I’m used to girls that are easygoing, easy to get along with, and they’re happy to see me. If they reach out, they reach out because they want to tell me that they miss me and when can they see me again. In your case, you’re just kind of not very nice. You’re upset. You’re mad. You got all these rules. I don’t want to deal with that. If you miss me or if you’re thinking about me, pick up the fucking phone and call me or text me.” I’m not just going to say, “Well, I’m not going to call him at all because the man must do 100%.”

Again, this is the structured woman. I don’t touch them. If you want to, if you want to beat your head against the wall, I mean, I’ve done countless videos over the years on women that behave this way, and it’s all the same. Nothing gets any better. You’re five, six weeks in, yeah you’re hooking up with her, but it’s wearing you out and you’re losing interest. So if it was me, I wouldn’t call or text her for any reason. Wait to hear from her. Make a date because you want her to stop all these fucking rules. I wouldn’t call or text her at all. I’d let her do 100% of it just because again, she’s structured and she’ll either keep reaching out and she’ll fall for you and throw all her fucking rules out the window, or she’ll stick to her guns and then just disappear from your life forever. Either way, you’re not going to be wasting your time spinning your wheels with somebody that just frustrates you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.