Why being focused only on getting laid or having sex, instead of creating fun, romantic dates that naturally lead to sex, will cause rejection and failure. Why you also need to focus on dating, courtship, and relationship principles in order to transition a successful pickup and seduction into a committed, long-term relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who met a girl on the dating app Tinder, successfully got her phone number, and later set a date in person. They had a successful second date that ended up back at his place, but they didn’t have sex because she was on her period. He then made a few mistakes by trying to set another date while he was still on a date with her, and a few days later he contacted her to basically invite her over to his place, which she declined. He’s taken indifference a little too far, and he has obviously made her feel like he’s just trying to get laid, instead of making her feel special and showing her a good time on a date that can naturally lead to sex. She was really into him at first, but because of his behavior, she’s now gone a little cold. Therefore, he’s wondering what his next move should be since she declined his last minute date invitation at his place. I discuss what he did to successfully transition from meeting her online to meeting her in person, having a couple of dates, but where he went wrong on the second date and how he’s kind of fumbled the football trying to make a third date. I also discuss what he needs to do going forward in order to recover from the fact that he has lowered her attraction level for him.
Love your work, bought the book, watch your videos — you’re the man. I’ve learned a lot about attraction, as well as my own self-worth and purpose, but what I think really sets your work aside is that it’s helped me to not only better understand women, but appreciate them more.
So, my situation…I met a girl on Tinder a few weeks ago. We spoke on the phone very soon after ‘matching,’ set a date, met up, had a great time — a lot of laughs. Hang out, have fun, hook up, right? (Create a date, have fun when you’re on the date, and when she’s touching you and showing signs she wants to be closer to you, that’s when you go for the kiss. If she likes you romantically, she will kiss you back.) We went back to my place and rolled around a bit, but she didn’t want to have sex. No problem. She also texted me when she got home saying she had a great night. (Two steps forward and one step back is still progress.)
We set up a date for the next week. We were meant to meet up at 7:30 pm, she called me at 5:00 pm saying that she “just couldn’t do tonight,” she was having a difficult and demanding week, was feeling exhausted, and had also been in a car accident two days ago, which I know to be true. She said “I know how this looks, but I promise we’ll do this next week, and I understand if you don’t want to see me again.” (She’s not just cancelling the date, but bringing up rescheduling, which means she’s interested in going out again.) I told her that as a rule, when someone I’ve just started dating cancels plans at the last minute, I never see them again, but the fact that she called, instead of sending the usual ‘I’m sick, can’t make tonight’ bullshit text, she sounded genuine, and she actually proposed a time to reschedule. Considering we had a great first date, I said okay, I’ll bite.
Next week came around, and we had another great night. I had been on a pretty shitty date the night before, and it was remarkable how different it felt with this girl – a fun, playful night, filled with laughs and intimacy. (Don’t continue going out with someone you don’t have chemistry with. The conversation should flow and be easy.) And that’s what romance should always be, right? Love is playful, as you say. So we again went back to my place, and again got pretty physical, but we couldn’t have sex because she was on her period. As I walked her to her car, I asked “when do you want to get together next?” and she started saying how she’s busy, blah blah blah, so I just said “That’s okay, I’m only interested in when you ARE available. (Making a date while you are on an existing date makes you look needy, desperate, and insecure. Don’t rush it or it may cause her to back off.) You have my number. You know where I live. Get in touch when you want to get together.” She sent another ‘had a great night’ text when she got home.
A couple of days go by, and she adds me on Snapchat. She sends me a few pretty meaningless snaps, I ignored them. (Don’t ignore her when she’s reaching out. This means she wants to see you, so you should make a date.) I had wisdom tooth surgery soon after, and I sent everyone on my contact list a humorous snap saying ‘penis extension successful!’ A couple of days later she sent me a snap asking “How are you feeling?” (That’s a good sign. She is reaching out to you which means, ‘I’d like to see you again.’) I took a picture of the post-op drugs and said “Great. Come visit.” (This is a mistake. You are sending the wrong message. She will think you just want to have sex with her.) Her reply…“Can’t, have to watch kids dance,” or something pretty flakey like that. This was about a week ago now.
My question is this, what do I do? I think the right answer is ‘nothing.’ I have to be congruent with my words and let her call me to set up a date. I already fucked up by sending that snap saying ‘come visit,’ although it seemed like she was reaching out when she asked “how are you feeling?” (She was reaching out, but you asked her over on a last-minute date, which goes against the fundamentals of what I teach. You fumbled the football by rushing it. Impatience never commands success. Read my book, and learn the fundamentals.) I’m practicing your mantra of infinite patience, and although I’ve always been an impatient man, it hasn’t actually been too hard, probably because I’m seeing a few girls at the moment, and because I value myself and know my self-worth. (Knowing the fundamentals will help you overcome your bad tendencies.) If I don’t get a text or call from her suggesting definite plans in the next two weeks, should I just completely walk away? I’m assuming there are other guys in the picture with this girl, and that’s fine by me. I would like to try to call her around the end of November, because whilst I’m not hung up on this girl, I really do have a great time when we’re together…great banter and great physical chemistry. It just feels effortless. (Wait two weeks, and if you haven’t heard from her, reach out one more time.)
If you want to answer this question in a video, I’m happy for you to do so. In fact, I think it would make a good video, as it shows that I’ve read your shit, understand the concepts, and there’s a lesson to be learned here about persistence vs. walking away, and about what a woman is truly feeling about you.
Look forward to hearing from you Coach.
My response to him:
You say you are following what I teach, but I can tell from your email that you are not. You tried to make a third date before the end of your second date. You failed to ask her when she was free to get together. Instead you just assumed she would come over to your place to fuck you. Your actions come off as a man who is just looking to get laid, not a as a man who is sincerely interested in her. It’s obviously turning her off. Ending up back at your place is a natural progression. You are acting like your next date should pick up where your last one left off. Bad move.
If you don’t hear from her for two weeks, then contact her and tell her that you are feeling better and would love to see her. Ask her when she is free to get together, then make your next date. Hang out, have fun, and hook up like I teach in my book. You must follow the progression, not expect her to come over and fuck you at the beginning of a date. You’re doing things out of sequence and fucking up a good opportunity. Read my book 10-15 times and stop trying to shortcut things.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When a man truly cares for a woman, he cares about her happiness, making her feel special, and putting some time, effort, and planning into making fun dates for the two of them. A woman knows that if a man takes the time to make reservations, make plans ahead of time, or come up with fun things they can do together on dates, he really truly cares about her. Women instinctively know to look at a man’s actions as a true reflection of how he really feels about them. Women love sex too, but it’s much more compelling to them when it’s in the context of a fun and romantic time together. When a man is impatient, and grabs her boobs or her crotch like a horny, inexperienced teenager, or is constantly focused on sex and getting her alone back at his place, he makes her feel like a sex object and that he just wants to use her for a sexual release. Be patient, make a woman feel special by showing her a good time, escalate things physically when she’s close and touching you, and she will tear your clothes off when you’re alone together, thereby making sex easy, natural, and effortless.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne